Woman Of The Year

I would hardly call what he does coaching.

Wow. Excellent role modeling.

Every child has the right to play, no matter how boring the sport.

I'm the girls' coach. She's the boys' coach. Oh. Okay. Sorry. That's sexist.

I'm a boy. Good. Yeah. 'Cause I wasn't talking to you.

Jerry! You got soup all over our mail! You jerk.

I have been a dues-paying member since I was nine.

The IOW is proud to announce this year's Dorothy Everton Smythe Female Empowerment Award Winner, Ronald Swanson.

They only honor women. And Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Well, it's about time.

However, she cares way too much about crap like this, which is why I can't pass up this opportunity to tease her about it.

Hey, Freddy. Good news! Your liquor license renewal got got, yo.

Maybe call it something like Club-a-Dub-Dub or The Clubmarine, sort of a submarine-themed club.

Or Tom's Bistro. The word 'bistro' is classy as.

I agree. That's why I got into public service. To help me.

$10,000. That's chump change.

Write an e-mail to Barack Obama. Lock myself in my office and scream until I lose my voice.

No way. Yesterday, if you would have asked me, I would've said no, but thank God, my grandfather just died, so I am flush with cash!

Also, sorry about your grandpa. No worries. He was a dick.

I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers.

Also, The Bag of Smells was a fun experiment, but it has to stop.

Come on! No. We're finally starting to get serious results.

That's not a working fireplace, Andy. Stop writing phone messages on the wall, Andy. Dude, seriously, I love you but stop digging that weird hole in the backyard.

Well, we're not Mouse Rat anymore. We changed it to Tackleshaft.

April, you're like an angel with no wings. So, like, a person?

Really? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake?

Yes. Camp Xena. Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name. I almost got it. I was pretty close. No.

Look, Leslie, your job, which you're great at, is making me look good. Which you've clearly done well because I'm getting an award. Right?

Well, it's a man's world, Winston. Get used to it. I'm a man.

Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.

I'm doing my official portrait for the IUD Awards Dinner Program. IOW.

Which of these objects most represents women for this portrait? A pot? Or this Deputy Director Barbie?

I'm going to help my boss win an award.

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

I can afford, like, 300 bucks a month. I've always wanted a doorman named Ernie. That'd be awesome. Or Kipp. I'm pretty flexible on that.

Here's a great one. It's a Tudor mansion. It's got seven rooms, four bathrooms. It's got a tennis court, a pool and a three-car garage. What? And it's only $20,000 a month. And it's in Chicago. Ah! That close! It was almost perfect.

Ladies! Jay-Z. Rihanna. Audrina Patridge. Jon Gosselin. Lady Gaga. Snooki.

For the small price of only one, one, one, thousand, thousand, thousand dollars, dollars, dollars!

Mark, I'm talking to you! Donna, I'm talking to you! Jerry! I'm talking to you! Mark! I'm talking to you!

I have the Dorothy Every Time Smurf Girl Trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Come on, Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women. You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

She was the first woman in Pawnee to wear pants on a Sunday. She spent four years in jail for that.

The acoustics in the bathroom are insane.

I could definitely picture myself doing something over there.

It screams Andy Dwyer.

We could do the usual boring stuff like eat some chicken salad with some crackers, or watch the pay-per-view, or we could go to my nightclub and do some dancing.

You'd never have to beg for sex again. I don't wanna get into this, really, but I don't beg for sex now.

Just to be clear, you wouldn't be an owner, per se. You, me and my boy, Jean-Ralphio, would each own part of a share.

We didn't make a mistake. We made a very conscious decision this year to choose a man.

Well, every year, we give it to a woman, and, frankly, nobody cares.

Well, we're giving it to you. So, you're gonna take it, like a man.

The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong, and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson!

I won't. I'm gonna push my punches as far as my fists can extend!

Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

I'm out. Why? I hate that guy.

The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang, 'Spread your wings and fly,' and 'You deserve to be a champion.'

Every award, from the smallest trophy to the Nobel Prize, is nothing more than... Is nothing more than a great way to honor someone.

So, I would like to present this year's Dottie English Whatever Award to the person who actually deserves it, Leslie Knope.

I don't want it. Just take the damn thing. You deserve it. No, no. Really. No, Ron, you deserve it. Really, but I don't want it. But you won it. And you should win it.

Yeah, well, I'm investing. I'm like Warren Buffay.

What are you doing here? I bought three shares. Thanks for the tip.