94 Meetings

Andy:Realskies.

Leslie:I need one word to sum up my feelings about Andy and Ann... *makes extended uncomfortable sound*

April:I scheduled all the meetings for March 31st because I genuinely believed the date didn't exist. I misremembered the rhyme. I thought it was 'Thirty days hath September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one, except February alone.' So March only has thirty days.

April:Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Leslie:Actually, it's 'Humpty Dumpty sat on a *wall*' — wait, no, that's right. But it's 'had a great fall,' not 'had a great fall.'

April:That's what I said.

Leslie:I know, I'm just — why are you teaching this to a child?

Ron:We had 93 meetings scheduled in a single day. I had to sit through all of them.

Leslie:Isn't it amazing? 93 meetings! That's a new record!

Ron:It was a nightmare.

Leslie:You know what? I'm going to schedule even MORE meetings. But this time, I'm going to color-code them by priority AND emotional resonance. Plus, I'll add a ukulele performance between each one for morale.

Leslie:That's a tragic historical story about a wedding that became a bloodbath.

Bill:The only survivors were horses, not people.

Leslie:Tom, I need you to listen to me very carefully. We need to coordinate the entire permit application process by end of business today.

Tom:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie:I'm putting on my boots, just listen—

Leslie:Ow! Why are these so tight?

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa—

Leslie:I almost have it—

Ann:I brought you some coffee, Mark.

Leslie:Oh, thank you! You're so thoughtful.

Leslie:Hmm, this is... really not very good. Did you make this yourself? Because it tastes like you stirred it with a stick of butter.

Tom:I need to get some concealer for this pimple that's about to form. Not just any concealer – it needs to be the right shade, the right texture, the right everything. Because when this pimple shows up, and it will show up, I need to be ready. Jessica cannot see me with a pimple. She cannot.

Leslie:What cologne is that?

Tom:It's called Intrude. The slogan is 'Intrude: Because she said no, but her pheromones said yes.'

Andy:Alright, I'm taking this meeting thing seriously. I'm going deep undercover.

Andy:From now on, I'm Special Agent Bert Macklin, FBI.

Andy:I've got the badge, the suit, the whole thing. Nobody suspects a thing.

Ron:Ann, I want you to just sit there and don't say anything. Can you do that?

Ann:Yeah, I think so.

Ron:Okay, we'll see.

Andy:Wait, how old were you when I was in high school? Oh my God. Oh my God, that's weird. That's so weird.

Andy:If we had a baby, and I had to babysit it while you were at work, I'd be like 60 years old.

Andy:I'd be changing diapers with my walker. The baby would be like, 'Why is Grandpa here?' I'd be like, 'I'm your dad, sweetie.'

Andy:And then I'd probably fall asleep during tummy time and the baby would crawl into the street.

Nick Newport Sr.:So you're the young man Leslie's been telling me about. Tell me, where are you from?

Tom Haverford:I'm from Eagleton, sir.

Nick Newport Sr.:Eagleton? That's a fine town. Very... clean.

Tom:She's a gold digger. And I'm attracted to gold diggers. So, gold digger digger.

Jessica:Well, I was doing a ribbon cutting at the hospital. And he was there because his blood doesn't work.

Jessica:What's done is done.

Tom:That's universal. I've never heard that in my life.

Leslie:This is why we need to preserve our history! We can't just tear down these buildings and forget where we come from!

Leslie:It's an absolute travesty, and I am... I am furious! So furious that I... I can't... What are those things? Those things that you see with?

Tom:Eyes?

Leslie:Yes! And those... those strips of the spectrum! The pretty ones!

Citizen:I'd like to meet with Ron Swanson.

April:Ron's dead. I'm his daughter.

Ultimate Frisbee Representative:We're here because we need funding for our league and—

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. You want me on your team? Yes! Oh my God, yes! I am so in!

Ultimate Frisbee Representative:No, we just need—

Andy:I'm gonna be so good at this. I'm gonna be the best ultimate frisbee player you've ever seen.

Ann:I'm not actually a parks employee. I'm a nurse.

Citizen:Oh thank God. Can you look at this mole?

Jessica:This gazebo is just a mushy old pile of rot.

Leslie:Well, your husband is a mushy old pile of rot.

Leslie:I'm not a stick in the mud! I love fun. I love parties. In fact, I'm going to throw the biggest party this town has ever seen.

Leslie:But first, we need to shut down the current party because it's a safety hazard and someone could get hurt.

Leslie:Ron is taking a bathroom break!

Citizen:Can you just give me a straight answer? Yes or no?

Andy:Beep boop beep! Whirrrr click click beep boop!

Ann:When you're dealing with city bureaucracy, you have to be confident. You walk in there like you know exactly what you're doing, and they'll never question you.

Ann:I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. I've never done this before in my life.

Citizen:Is this swimsuit appropriate for the community pool?

Ron:I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. But I will say this: that is not appropriate for my desk.

Ron:April started as a lowly squire, but she's risen through the ranks. She's now a knight in my department.

April:Thanks, Ron.

Ron:However, like most knights, she's begun to question authority, burn down the castle, and attack her liege lord.

April:That's me.

Andy:Hey, are you okay? Ron was really harsh back there.

April:I'm fine. Don't worry about it.

Andy:Come on, you can talk to me. That's what I'm here for.

April:Andy, I don't need your sympathy. And I definitely don't need the camera's either.

Leslie:I'm going to end every interview with a signature catchphrase. Something like 'You just got Knoped!' Or 'That's a Knope from me!' Or 'Don't look a gift Knope in the mouth!'

Ben:That last one doesn't even make sense.

Leslie:Well, neither does 'knocked up,' but people love it!

Leslie:Son of a biscuit! Monkey fighting! Snakes on a plane!

Tom:I should have seen that coming.

Tom:I know, I know, you're all thinking 'Here comes Tom with that bit again.' But I love this bit. I'm gonna do this bit forever.

Ron:Andy, you don't even work here anymore.

Andy:I know! And I'll quit again if you don't rehire April!

April's mom:Oh Ron! Welcome, welcome! We're so excited to have you here!

April:Mom, please. You're embarrassing me.

April's mom:What? I'm just being friendly! Ron, can I get you anything? Coffee? Pie? I made three kinds!

April:She made one kind. It's pumpkin.

Ron:April, I didn't know you had a sister.

April:That's my daughter.

Ron:I know.

Tom:You know what? Marriage is just a scam invented by the greeting card companies to make us buy more cards. Valentine's Day, anniversary cards, 'sorry I forgot our anniversary' cards...

Tom:And then you start thinking about the wedding night, and it's beautiful, and romantic, and you're in a nice hotel...

Tom:But then a year later you're thinking about other weddings. Other wedding nights. You're imagining yourself at those weddings...

Tom:And then you're not even invited to the weddings anymore, you're just outside the hotel window with binoculars.

Leslie:I know I'm the gate lady. I've accepted it. I've embraced it. I am the gate lady.

April:Have a good night, Duke Silver.

Ron:What did you just call me?

April:Duke Silver. Your secret jazz alter ego. I've known for like two years.

Ron:How did you...

April:I have my sources. Also, you're not that good.

Citizen:I'm sorry, I can't make that time. Can we reschedule?

April:Sure. How about Octember 35th?

Citizen:That's not a real date.

April:How about Destroy-cember 42nd?

Ron:April, those aren't real months.

April:Fine. Festivus at midnight o'clock.