Freddy Spaghetti

Andy:How long do you think the shutdown will last?

Ron:I hope it lasts for months. Shutting down the government is like my birthday and Christmas had a baby.

Andy:I got an amazing deal on this motorcycle! 24% interest rate!

Andy:Do you know how rare it is to get financing that good? That's basically the best rate out there!

Andy:Uh-oh.

Andy:Nailed it.

Leslie:Being upset isn't a competition.

Leslie:But if it were, I would win. Twice.

Citizen:So you're telling me the parks are closing? What's next, international terrorism?

Parent:What am I supposed to do with my kids when the parks are closed?

Leslie Knope:Well, you could keep them in your own home.

Parent:The horror!

Leslie:I have blood on my hands.

Councilman Milton:That's marinara sauce.

Leslie:This coffee is way too hot, but I'm going to drink it anyway because I have a meeting in two minutes and I need the caffeine.

Chris:Can I get some water?

Chris:Actually, make it room temperature. No, slightly cool. But not cold. And it needs to be filtered. Well, purified. Actually, I need to know the pH level. It should be between 6.5 and 7.5. And please tell me where the water came from. I prefer water from a spring. A specific spring. In Switzerland. Actually, not Switzerland — that's too fancy. Maybe Vermont? No wait, the water needs to be alkaline. But not too alkaline. This is really important for my health and my body's optimal functioning.

Leslie:Wait, you're not going to argue with me? You're just going to agree?

Chris:Yeah, I think you're right.

Leslie:Well, I have a 40-slide PowerPoint presentation I've been working on all night, so I'm going to give it anyway.

Leslie:Do you know what the problem with this town is?

Leslie:It's the government.

Ben:Guess who spent all night reorganizing her binders by color, thickness, and the emotional resonance of the topic?

Leslie:That was me. I needed them organized that way.

Chris:I've been training for a marathon, but I've decided to set an even more ambitious goal.

Chris:I'm going to run to the moon.

Chris:It's 238,900 miles away, which means if I run 50 miles a day, I can make it there in about 4,778 days. That's only 13 years!

Chris:I've already started mapping out my route and I'm thinking of doing it completely chemical-free with a raw food diet.

Leslie:Ben, I've been thinking about the Ramsett Park project. We could really make a difference in this community.

Ben:Leslie, we're not getting funding for that. We're not even on the radar.

Leslie:But it's such a great idea. The people of Pawnee need this.

Ben:The people of Pawnee need a functioning sewer system. You're asking for a park. We're literally below the sewer on the priority list.

Leslie:I am essential! I'm very essential!

Ben:Leslie, your badge literally says 'non-essential.'

Leslie:That's just what they put on there. It doesn't mean anything.

Leslie:This isn't even my badge. I've never seen this before in my life.

Chris:My resting heart rate is 48 beats per minute. That's lower than most Olympic athletes.

Jerry:That's impressive, Chris.

Chris:Thank you. In fact, I'm so efficient that I've been pumping my own blood into the jets at the airport. Saves the city thousands on fuel.

Chris:Ann, I have calculated that you are 94% compatible with me based on my analysis of your physical attributes, career trajectory, and potential for bearing healthy offspring. I would like to take you to dinner. No pressure though.

Ann:Chris, that's... that's a lot of pressure.

Chris:I'm confused. I explicitly said no pressure. My tone was very casual.

Ann:I avoid Chris because he's reckless. He does these crazy things like eat a salad for lunch and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Mark:I'm working for a private contractor now.

Leslie:Mark, I just realized I've been saying your name wrong this whole time. It's actually pronounced 'Quits,' isn't it? Because you're quitting!

Mark:I got bird poop on me. Indoor bird poop. That's impossible.

Mark:Which somehow makes it worse.

Leslie:Tom, you're about to have sex.

Tom:What? No, I'm not.

Leslie:You're playing Marvin Gaye. Nobody plays Marvin Gaye unless they're about to have sex. It's a scientific fact.

Leslie:Look, I'm just going to say it. When you're with a man, you need to take charge. Be aggressive. Grab him by the—well, you know. And don't be shy about telling him what you want. Men respond to confidence.

Leslie:Also, never let him see you eating. Men don't like that. Just consume nutrients intravenously before dates.

Leslie:And wear something that shows you're fun, but not too fun. You want to seem like you might do something crazy, but you won't actually do it. It's a delicate balance.

Ann:I'm always there for my friends at night.

Leslie:I'm so intense I'm already coming over.

Leslie:She's describing Freddy Spaghetti, the children's entertainer

Leslie:Look, I know it sounds terrible, but we have to prioritize the sewage system over the children's programs. It's just math.

Leslie:Poop has to go somewhere. Children are optional.

Leslie:Ann, that's... that's the most brilliant idea anyone has ever had in the history of ideas. Your house? Of course! Why didn't I think of that? You're a genius. A beautiful, smart genius. I'm going to throw you a parade. Actually, two parades. One after the other. We'll shut down the entire city.

Leslie:Okay, first of all, I think waffles are a perfectly acceptable dinner. Second of all, and I cannot stress this enough, waffles should never be eaten for dinner.

Leslie:Third, government spending is out of control and needs to be cut. Fourth, we need to immediately increase funding for all local parks and recreation departments.

Leslie:Fifth, I am completely objective and unbiased. Sixth, anyone who disagrees with me is wrong and probably a bad person.

Leslie:Wait, did I just say something nice about Jerry? Oh my God, I need to sit down.

Leslie:April, I'm so glad you're here to help with this!

April:I'm not here to help. I'm just here.

Jerry:My doctor says I should—

Leslie:Jerry, your doctor also thinks you're a human being worth listening to, so clearly his medical degree is from a very stupid hospital.

Ron:He's literally sexually aroused by cutting government

Ron:We should sell some government property. I suggest we start with the old quarry, that pit of raw sewage behind the rec center, and whatever that smell is coming from the Parks Department bathroom.

Andy:And here we are, folks, at the construction site. I'm about to hammer this nail. It's a big moment. The nail doesn't know it yet, but its life is about to change forever. I'm picking up the hammer now. Feel the weight of it in my hand. The responsibility. I'm raising it up... up... the nail is waiting, wondering what will happen next. And now... I'm bringing it down with the force of a thousand suns!

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. Freddy Spaghetti? That's a real person?

Tom:No, no, no. I just got my car detailed. I can't have some guy named Freddy Spaghetti eating marinara in my Lexus.

Tom:So I took my girlfriend to this amazing restaurant last night. Best dinner ever.

Tom:And then this morning we had breakfast in bed together. If you know what I mean.

Tom:And by that I mean we literally had breakfast in bed. Eggs, toast, the whole thing. It was very intimate.

Lucy:You guys know Tom really well, so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Leslie:I just realized we have a logistical problem. We're expecting 300 people at the harvest festival and we only have one bathroom.

Ann:What? Where are they going to go?

Leslie:Well, I was thinking your house is pretty close by...

Ann:No! Absolutely not. 300 strangers are not using my personal bathroom.

Andy:Riding a motorcycle is like... it's like a woman, you know? You gotta treat it with respect, keep your hands steady, and if you don't wear protection, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, sometimes it leaks fluid and you have to take it to a guy named Pedro.

Andy:Why didn't you return my calls?

April:I didn't want to talk to you.

Tom:Ann, you deserve a good guy. Someone who treats you right, respects you, and makes you happy.

Tom:You know what? I know a guy. He's really into you. He's got a good job, he's stable, he's—well, he's me. I'm suggesting we have sex.

Chris:Okay, I have a great idea for team building. We're all going to pair up and do a trust fall, but here's the twist—we're going to do it blindfolded, and the person catching you will be behind you, so you have no idea where they are or if they'll actually catch you. Then, we're going to go back to my place and do some trust exercises in a hot tub.

Ron:We could sell the animals to a circus.

Ben:Ron, no.

Ron:A testing facility?

Ben:Ron!

Ron:A restaurant?

April:I'm using reverse psychology on you.

Andy:What do you mean?

April:I'm telling you the opposite of what I want so you'll do what I actually want.

Andy:That's... that's just psychology.

April:No, it's reverse psychology.

April:Andy has unresolved feelings about Ann. He's not over her. Until he figures that out, he's just going to keep dating people who remind him of her in some way. And that's not fair to whoever he's with.

Ron:These budget cuts are a righteous war against government waste.

Ron:And I intend to fight it with every ounce of my being.

Ron:Or, at the very least, I would if I wasn't so lazy.

Ben:Well, actually, Leslie is unique. There's only one Leslie Knope.

Unknown:They're coming!

Leslie:Oh my God, are the Russians here? Did Gorbachev finally make his move? I knew it. I KNEW IT. We should have invested in more bunkers. Why didn't anyone listen to me?

Ben:I get death threats all the time. It's just part of the job.

Tom:The main performer just cancelled. He's sick.

Leslie:That's fine. I can do it. I'm very talented.

Tom:Leslie, you can't even carry a tune.

Leslie:Well... how hard could it be?

Leslie:This is the most beautiful venue I've ever seen. The acoustics, the lighting, the way the books are arranged by the Dewey Decimal System... it's perfect. I'm going to cry. Actually, I'm already crying.

Tom:Leslie, it's a library.

Leslie:A LIBRARY, Tom. A library.

Leslie:We need to change the inappropriate lyrics in this song.

Andy:Okay, what do you want to change?

Leslie:How about we replace 'sexy' with 'esty'?

Andy:'Esty'? That's not a word.

Leslie:It's better than sexy.

Andy:Is it though? 'You're my esty lady'? That doesn't help at all.

Andy:You know what they say in show business: 'It's not about the destination, it's about the friends you make along the way.'

Leslie:Freddy couldn't make it tonight. He's in the hospital with a severe case of linguine syndrome.

Leslie:The doctors say if we don't get him on a strict penne-cillin regimen immediately, he could develop full-blown fettuccine fever.

Leslie:It's touch and go, but we're staying optimistic. The prognosis is... al dente.

Ron:That's a firm handshake. My father always said a firm handshake is the mark of an honest man.

Ron:Of course, he also believed that the government was using handshakes to inject tracking devices into our wrists, so...

Ron:I have no idea what you're talking about. That's just a turkey leg with bacon on it.

Andy:This week has been crazy. It's like I was a horse, and someone just shot me in the head.

Ann:A-Cakes.

Andy:Oh my god, you remember that?

Ben:Mean Ben? That's what you call me?

Leslie:Well, yeah. When you're being all serious and bureaucratic.

Ben:I have spent years trying to earn your respect, and this is what I get? Mean Ben?

Leslie:It's not a bad thing! It's like... it's sexy.

Ben:It is not sexy. It's mean.

Ben:As a government official, I believe in providing services to the public.

Ben:But Leslie, your singing voice is not one of those services.

Andy:April, I need to tell you something. I kissed Ann.

April:When?

Andy:A while ago. Before we were together.

April:So you're telling me this now... why?

Andy:Because I want to be honest with you. I love you and I don't want secrets between us.

April:Andy, I'm pregnant.

Andy:...I also kissed her that one time last week.

Tom:Don't. I don't want to hear it. I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it.

Andy:I wasn't going to say anything.

Tom:Exactly. That's the worst part.

Leslie:So what did you think of the Elton John concert?

Child:It was great! My favorite song was 'Tiny Dancer.' But I kept thinking it should be called 'Tiny Dancer... with Linguine!'

Mark:You know what? I liked it better as a pit.

Leslie:Mark, I got you a going-away present. It's a roll of red tape.

Mark:Red tape?

Leslie:It's a metaphor for bureaucracy. You know, all the red tape you have to cut through in government.

Tom:Ron, why are you dressed like you just had sex at a country club?

Ron:I need to sit down.

Character:Ron, what's wrong?

Ron:That's my ex-wife. Tammy Two.