Sister City

I told you... Gold-sequined sweatpants.

Venezuela is a poor country. These men are not used to the wealth and flash that we have here in central Indiana.

Our guests are going to stay in a motel for sure.

My mom's Puerto Rican. That's why I'm so lively and colorful.

I had to drop the rock-and-roll bowling alley from our itinerary.

One of the most difficult phone calls I've ever had to make.

Raul Alejandro Bastilla Pedro de Veloso de Maldonado. I'm Tom.

Pay no attention to him. He's our intern, Johnny. He is worthless.

Yes, we'll get our pathetic servant boy to fetch your luggage. Go, boy.

I will take the large black one.

I am not surprised at all. I've been to South America. I did very well there.

So no women?

What kind of birds do you eat? Chickens. Us too. Amazing.

You got it, chief.

Can you help me out a second? Go away, Jerry.

A bottle of high-fructose corn syrup made right here in Pawnee's own sweetums factory. 'If you can't beat 'em, sweetums.' Since 1891.

Kernston's rubber nipples. 'Tastes like the real thing.'

We thank you for the container of sap and the bag of garbage.

That's why people respect Hillary Clinton so much, 'cause nobody takes a punch like her. She's the strongest, smartest punching bag in the world.

This city was planned? It looks like it was designed by a very stupid rodent.

He's actually a pretty smart rodent.

On the other hand, this is a pretty sweet-ass gun.

With your hands, you peel the banana.

American children are fattened more efficiently than any other children in the world. They're like little basketballs. I mean, they're huge. Little porkers.

Now I do not understand.

Oil is food for cars.

You said they might not know what toilet paper is.

We'll go to Chicago and pretend it's part of Pawnee. Or New York. Or London! The money's different. They'll figure it out. Never mind.

I have four satellite dishes on my estate. We get 14,000 channels. I already know who wins project runway.

I am still primarily interested in the large black woman.

This is already a park. And it's one of our best-loved parks.

Size doesn't matter. Yes, it does.

But we have something more beautiful than Lady Gaga. Democracy.

Antonio, Nestle crunch with the crispy rice removed.

I find it incredibly demeaning, but, guess what? Cash money I'm going to make it rain

We don't need palaces. The ideas are what shine in our meetings.

My dog went to one of your parks and ate another dog's feces, and I am going to sue you for that.

Where are the armed men who come in to take the protestors away? Where? This kind of behavior is never tolerated in Boraqua. You shout like that, they put you in jail. Right away. No trial, no nothing.

You are stealing... Right to jail. You're playing music too loud... Right to jail. Right away. You're driving too fast? Jail. Slow? Jail. You're charging too high prices for sweaters, glasses, you right to jail. You undercook fish... Believe it or not, jail. You overcook chicken... Also jail. Undercook, overcook. You make an appointment with a dentist and you don't show up... Jail, right away. We have the best patients in the world... Because of jail.

We answer to nobody.

Tell that to the Golden Gate Bridge or American Idol or the moon. Oh, wait. You can't 'cause you've never been.

And you guys want to marry Hugo Chavez.

Those are our pens. Great. We don't even need them. Great. Then don't take them. We didn't.

Do you see the problem here? Yes, but I don't want to.

Yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, today I'm Bill.

They've been partying with Dwayne Wade.

Pro, $35,000 worth of dirty money. Con, not quite sure why that's a pro.

Pro and con never works. Pro, yes, it does.

Jerry, are you happy? What did I do?

I don't want to viva that guy. We just gave you $35,000. That's worth one viva.

They're a committee to humiliate and shame America.

You call it, 'Hugo Chavez park'. You can have a nice big fountain of his head so that when the water is coming out, he's spitting at you all the time.

You are no longer our sister.

And it's not going to have a fountain shaped like Hugo Chavez's head spitting water all over everyone, unless that's what the people want. And that, sir, is democracy.

It's okay, I guess. He has, like, 5 million rooms. And this is only his guest house.

It's better than my mom's house, I guess.