Kaboom

Credit Card Representative:We've flagged some suspicious charges on your account. Multiple streaming services in a single month?

April:Those aren't suspicious. I have Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, HBO Max, and Amazon Prime.

Credit Card Representative:Ma'am, that's five different services. Most people just pick one.

April:Most people are sheep. I like to keep my options open so I can hate all of them equally.

April:I have Netflix and Blockbuster because sometimes I need to watch all the discs at the same time.

Credit Card Representative:There's a charge here for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for $3,500.

April:Yeah, that's my tuition.

Credit Card Representative:Ma'am, Hogwarts isn't real.

April:I know that. But the tuition is.

April:I got a 3.8 GPA at Hogwarts. I was in Ravenclaw. I wrote my thesis on the mating habits of hippogriffs.

Credit Card Representative:We've also got charges for Butt Pucker Lip Gloss, Booty Sweat Energy Drink, and a product called Colon Blow Cereal.

April:Wait, no, I didn't mean— okay, fine, yes, I bought them. But I'm hanging up now.

April:And don't you dare tell anyone I'm keeping them. Especially not Jerry.

April:It's Daniel Craig. For back support.

Keith:High five!

Ron:I don't trust it. It's too fast.

Leslie:This playground is going to be used by all kinds of kids. Jocks, nerds, preps, goths, sluts...

Tom:He only volunteers for the free food

Tom:I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline. The catering was terrible. I mean, if you're already thinking about ending it all, the last thing you need is a sad chicken salad sandwich.

April:You live in a pit.

Andy:I live indoors. That's something.

Andy:I have to go help with playground construction.

April:That sounds like fun.

Andy:Yeah, we're gonna be working with long, hard wood all day. Really getting our hands dirty. Lots of hard thrusting motions.

Ron:I found this remote control at the construction site. Let me try something.

Ron:Points remote at Jerry. You there, freeze!

Ron:Now dance. Dance for me, puppet man. I control the remote, you control the dance. It rhymes, it's science.

Leslie:Jerry, you had ONE job. One job! Do you know how many people work in this office? Twelve. Twelve people, and somehow you managed to mess up the one thing that affects all of us. The copy machine. THE COPY MACHINE, Jerry!

Jerry:I'm sorry, I just pressed the wrong button—

Leslie:Wrong button? WRONG BUTTON?! Do you understand the butterfly effect, Jerry? One small action can have massive consequences. You pressed that button, and now we live in a world where nobody can copy anything. Nobody. That's not a world I want to live in, Jerry. That's not the world our forefathers died for.

Leslie:Everyone, take out your doing caps.

Tom:Oh, I thought you meant condoms.

Leslie:I need to move faster than a slug. Actually, let me rephrase that. I need to move faster than a slug on quaaludes. No wait—faster than a slug on quaaludes riding a very apathetic sloth. Hmm, or a slug on quaaludes riding a sloth that's also on quaaludes, but the sloth took twice as much because it's bigger. Actually, a slug on quaaludes riding a sloth on quaaludes while both are underwater in a vat of molasses during a solar eclipse.

Mark:Would you break the rules to get things done?

Leslie:Oh my God, yes. I would kill someone.

Mark:I meant like, bend the rules.

Leslie:Oh. No, of course not.

Mark:You should be bold. Don't ask permission.

Leslie:Can I ask you something? Do I have your permission to not ask permission?

Leslie:We're going to rent some equipment that comes with an operator.

Ben:So you're renting people?

Leslie:Yes.

Ben:That sounds like an escort service.

Tom:Oh, you want to know about my prom night? Well, let me tell you, it involved a backhoe.

Leslie:A backhoe?

Tom:Yeah, my date's dad had one. We went to the construction site, and she gave me a backhoe all night long.

Leslie:Tom...

Tom:Back massages. She just really liked giving back massages. Her hands were magic.

Leslie:I panicked! I was worried he'd recognize me from the city council and ask me questions about zoning permits, so I just blurted out the first name that came to my head.

Ben:Which was?

Leslie:Ms. Montegue.

Ben:Where did that come from?

Leslie:I have no idea.

Leslie:This pit has been a blight on our community for far too long. But today, we rise up. Today, we take back what is ours. Today, we fill this pit.

Nurse:You can't just play with the medical equipment!

Andy:But anything's a toy if you're brave enough.

Andy:I was reading cereal boxes for entertainment.

Leslie:Can I smoke in your office?

Ron:No.

Leslie:What if I was already smoking when I came in?

Ron:Then I would ask you to leave.

Leslie:What if I was smoking a cigar, like you?

Ron:I would still ask you to leave.

Leslie:I don't even smoke. I was just curious about the rules.

Ron:Are you on drugs?

Leslie:No, Ron. I'm just on the Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department.

Ron:Leslie, I'm going to have to write you up for the pit incident. Ka-incident.

Ron:This is a ka-serious violation of department policy.

Ron:You'll be receiving a ka-formal reprimand that will go in your ka-permanent file.

Ron:This is no ka-joke, Leslie.

Ron:Ka-blam! Ka-pow! Ka-chow! You know what? Ka-SHUT THE F*** UP!

Ron Swanson:I enjoy crushing people's enthusiasm. It's like a morning ritual for me.

Andy:His idea of sexy fashion is a bicep hole in a sweater

Andy:Ann was in a car accident and she's in the hospital. But here's the thing—I think this might be the universe telling us we're meant to be together. I mean, what are the odds? She crashes her car right when I'm finally ready to commit. It's like fate.

Andy:So I've decided I'm going to be there for her every single day. Bring her flowers, sit by her bed, read to her. She won't be able to resist me. This is actually the best thing that could've happened to us.

Andy:What does Mark have that I don't have?

Ann:A job.

Ann:Mark has a job, a good income, a apartment, a car, maturity, and he doesn't giggle when someone says tampon.

Leslie:You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And yes, I broke some eggs today, but those eggs had it coming.

Leslie:Wait, do the eggs know they had it coming? Are we asking the eggs first? Because I feel like we should be asking the eggs.

Leslie:Oh my God, what about the chickens? Has anyone checked on the chickens?

City Attorney:I'm afraid we have a serious legal situation here. Andy Dwyer has been classified as the most dangerous man in town.

Leslie:What? Andy? That's ridiculous. He's harmless!

City Attorney:According to the statute, anyone who has caused this much chaos unintentionally is deemed a threat to public safety.

Andy:Wait, I'm dangerous? That's awesome!

Lawyer:You can't say 'binder' because of the controversy...

Leslie:What about 'folder'?

Lawyer:Also problematic.

Leslie:Um... 'file'?

Lawyer:Nope.

Leslie:How about just... 'thing'?

Lawyer:Especially 'thing'. That's the worst one.

Leslie:The word 'situation' implies a situation exists.

Leslie:What can I safely do?

Scott:Of all things, giving a pig is legally safe.

Leslie:I got you a little something. It's a pig stuffed animal.

Andy:Oh, thanks Leslie!

Leslie:You could say this gift is... pretty un-be-lievable. Wait, no. You could say it's... sow-some. Actually, I need to be careful here legally, so let me just say: it's a pig.

Leslie:I want to apologize, but my lawyers have instructed me to say the following: I regret any and all incidents that may or may not have occurred, depending on your definition of 'incident' and 'occurred.' I in no way admit fault, but I do acknowledge your feelings, which are valid, even though I'm not responsible for them.

Leslie:Even acknowledging Andy was in the pit is legally problematic.

Leslie:Hi, it's Leslie. I need to meet with you. It's urgent and confidential. Meet me at the old warehouse on the edge of town at midnight. Come alone. Don't tell anyone. This is very serious.

Leslie:Actually, you know what, just call me back. My number is 555-0147.

Leslie:Hi Andy, this is your Aunt Doris. I'm calling to let you know that your mother has passed away. She died this morning. We're all very sad. Call me back.

Andy:What?! Mom?!

Leslie:Just kidding! It's Leslie. But seriously, you need to call me back.

Mark:Andy's like a badger. He burrows into things, makes a mess, and then disappears for a while.

Ann:Andy, I need to talk to you about something important.

Andy:Oh hey! Yeah, I got your message. You said you were coming over and you wanted me to be ready.

Ann:What? No, I just said I was stopping by—

Andy:I'm ready! I'm so ready!

Ann:Andy, why are you naked?

Andy:You said to be ready! I thought you meant... you know... ready ready.

Ann:Oh my god. Put some clothes on.

Andy:Ann said something really sexy to me yesterday.

Ann:I did not.

Andy:You did. You said, 'Andy, can you pick up some milk on your way home?'

Ann:That's... that's exactly what I said.

Andy:In a sexy voice though.

Ann:Andy, you are literally a naked baby. You have no idea what you're doing, you get distracted by literally anything, and you cry when things don't go your way.

Andy:I don't have time to get dressed. I'll just wear an apron.

Someone:Andy, that only covers the front.

Andy:Exactly. Problem solved.

Andy:Ann said she needs money because... she's starting a small business selling homemade candles.

Leslie:That doesn't sound like Ann at all.

Andy:Well, she told me in her Ann voice.

Leslie:You can't do impressions, Andy.

Andy:I know.

Andy:You need like $100,000 to open a bank account.

Andy:You know what? I could totally be a busker. People throw money at street performers all the time.

Tom:Andy, you can't even play an instrument.

Andy:I could sing!

April:No.

Andy:Yeah, okay, fair point. I'd probably make like... two dollars a day. And one of those would be pity money.

Andy:I want to play professional football with no qualifications.

Andy:Look, we need to fill that pit soon. Because let's be honest, I'm gonna fall in there at least three more times before it's actually filled.

Leslie:I can't believe the pit is actually being filled in. This is the best day of my life.

Leslie:Pinch me. Literally pinch me, because if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up.

Mark:You know, Andy, dropping that lawsuit is the smartest thing you've done. You're like a gopher.

Andy:A gopher?

Mark:Yeah. You dig yourself into a hole, then you realize it's a bad idea, and you just... stop digging.

Leslie:When you take a risk, your heart races, your palms get sweaty, there's this tingling sensation all over your body.

Ben:That's... that's what you just described.

Leslie:I know! It's incredible. I'm getting all tingly just thinking about it.

Keith:The wholesome charity was actually an elaborate prank.

Keith:My prank philosophy is simple: I identify something that will cause maximum chaos and confusion, then I execute it flawlessly.

Keith:For my next prank, I'm going to build a community center in the South Side. They've needed one for years.