Lucky

Leslie:Okay, I need to prepare for this interview. It's really important.

Ben:That's great. You've got this.

Leslie:Yeah, I'm just going to... wait, is this scarf working? Ben, look at this scarf. I'm thinking spring collection. Can you be the runway photographer?

Ben:Leslie, weren't you just saying—

Leslie:Now I'm a hat model. This is a statement hat. Very controversial in the hat world.

Ben:So what's this public works project about?

Leslie:Well, my pants are working for the public.

Ann:Leslie, those pants look amazing on you.

Leslie:Thanks! Ben said the same thing this morning.

Ann:Oh really? Where'd he see them?

Leslie:On his bedroom floor.

Ann:Leslie, you're so hot. I would totally do you.

Ben:Wait, what? Are you... are you flirting with Leslie on my behalf?

Ann:What? No! I'm just saying—

Ben:Because I'm pretty sure that's not how this works.

Leslie:Thank you all so much for the love on these pants. They're from a sustainable fabric company, and I got them on sale.

Ann:They're really flattering on you.

Tom:Yeah, those are fire.

Jerry:Very nice, Leslie.

Leslie:Well, I'm glad everyone approves. I'm going to turn around now.

Ben:Leslie, wait—

Leslie:What? I'm just turning—

Ann:Oh my God.

Tom:Whoa.

Jerry:My goodness.

Leslie:What? What is it?

Ben:Your pants have a message on them.

Leslie:What message?

Ann:It says 'Treat yo' self, fool.'

Ann:Well, technically, if you look at the medical definition, what we're talking about here is a clear violation of professional boundaries that could result in serious consequences including termination, legal action, and permanent damage to one's career and reputation.

Andy:Wait, women's studies... that's just... studying women?

Andy:I'm so nervous about this oral exam.

Andy:I hope I don't mess up in front of everyone.

Andy:I've been practicing my oral techniques all week.

Andy:I really need to nail this oral performance.

Andy:I'm really good at coming... up with ideas.

April:Just fake it. Pretend to care about stuff. It's not that hard.

April:I've been doing it for years.

Leslie:Ben is so tightly wound, if you straightened him out and used him as a rod, you could hang your entire winter coat collection on him.

Andy:We're doing great! You know how long we've been together?

Ann:How long?

Andy:Seven hours. That's a new record for us.

Andy:Yeah, so we set this 47-hour record by just... not seeing each other.

Andy:Which, technically, means Ann forgot we were together.

Leslie:This is terrible! A factory exploded and now my interview is cancelled!

Leslie:Wait, no. I mean, obviously the factory explosion is bad. But mostly I'm upset about my interview.

Tom:Ben, you're president of the Boring Club.

Ben:Wait, what? There's a Boring Club?

Tom:Yeah, and you won the election unanimously.

Ben:I don't understand. I thought I was interesting.

Tom:You were, until you lost. Turns out you're too boring even for the Boring Club. They had to create a new club just for you: the Even More Boring Club.

Professor:I'd like to open this up for a freewheeling discussion. Does anyone have any thoughts?

Andy:Yeah, um... the raccoon is a marsupial.

Andy:I'm from Pawnee, Indiana.

Andy:In my opinion.

Andy:I got a C! That's like an A in Andy math!

Andy:Wait, let me recalculate. Nope, still a C. I was hoping I'd discover a better grade if I did the math again.

Andy:I got an A! Wait, no, a B. But still the best grade in the class!

Andy:Professor, we're so glad you could come to dinner. We really believe in equality in this house.

Andy:So that'll be $47.50 for your share of the meal.

Ann:I'm going home to read my romance novel tonight. My boyfriend Marcus is probably in there somewhere.

Ben:You should try drinking more milk. It's good for your bones.

Ben:I've switched to an all-milk diet. I drink milk for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I bathe in milk. I've replaced all the water in my house with milk.

Leslie:Ben's been so stressed lately about the budget cuts. He's been working non-stop, barely sleeping, and honestly it's kind of attractive.

Leslie:Wait, is that weird? I think I'm confusing maternal attraction with actual attraction.

Leslie:You know what? I like that you're strict. I find it really attractive.

Ben:Really?

Leslie:Yeah. You're like a DILF.

Ben:A what?

Leslie:Dad I'd Like to... you know.

Leslie:I'm home! I'm home and I've been home. Home is where I am. I'm at home.

Ben:Leslie, where are you?

Leslie:I told you, I'm home! At my home! The home that is mine!

Leslie:Oh my god, this is the best day ever! I'm so drunk— I mean, so lucky! Wait, no... so... drucky? Is that a word? I'm feeling very drucky right now!

Tom:I got you covered. I got a hot-tub limo picking me up at 6 AM.

Ann:Why are you from Russia?

Ron:My mother was a very powerful woman. She once heard a man say women shouldn't be allowed to vote, and she hit him so hard with a cast iron skillet that it bent the skillet.

Ron:Why are you eating alone?

April:I'm not alone. There are strangers here.

Ron:That doesn't mean you're not eating alone.

April:Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.

Ron:No they're not.

April:Well, that's what my mom always said.

Ron:Your mother was wrong.

April:I wrote a book about my life. It's called 'Swanson: A Binary Search.' In it, I describe how I became Ron Swanson by eating nothing but breakfast meat and slowly losing all human emotion. By the end of the book, I've achieved my goal—I'm now Ron Swanson. The book ends with me sitting in my office, completely satisfied, having transcended humanity.

Ann:I can't do the romance novel bath tonight. I have to go home and yell at my fictional boyfriend for two hours.

Leslie Knope:I'm so heppy!

Leslie Knope:Pawnee is the greatest city in the world.

Buddy:Wait, you actually believe that?

Leslie Knope:Of course I do.

Buddy:Oh my God, she means it.

Leslie Knope:We need to find a good spot for the interview at the airport.

Ron Swanson:The airport is so bad, they had to find a non-smelly spot just to conduct basic business.

Buddy:Welcome to Pawnee, Indiana. Our main feature is toxic waste.

Leslie:Pawnee is the greatest city in the world! We have the most inspiring history, the most delicious food, and the most... most... *hiccups* ...the most adequate sidewalks!

April:Their offspring would be genetically perfect. They would dominate the human race.

Chris:Your deltoids are really well-defined.

Leslie:I'm not going to talk about this. It's private and I'm not discussing it.

Leslie:Actually, you know what? I slept with someone. It was amazing. We did it on a fur rug and I came so hard I saw colors I didn't know existed. I'm pretty sure I invented a new color.

Buddy:Are you drunk?

Leslie:No, I'm not drunk. Alcohol causes drunkenness.

Leslie:I'm fine, I'm fine. It was just the microphone wire. These things are a hazard.

Buddy:The sheep that watch my show are gonna eat this up like tiramisu

Leslie:Wait, Buddy, your metaphor doesn't make any sense. You can't use a sheep as a tiramisu. A sheep is a living animal, and tiramisu is a dessert. They're completely different things.

Andy:Wait, so you're telling me P-plus doesn't exist? But I got a P-plus on my last test!

Teacher:No, Andy. There's no P-plus. The lowest passing grade is a D.

Andy:So what's the P stand for?

Professor:A P-plus is impossible.

Andy:Actually, that's not true. In my women's studies class, we learned that nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself and you have the support of the people around you.

Jerry:I printed 500 flyers for the parks department, but I accidentally ordered them in the wrong size. They're too big to fit in any standard mailbox.

Tom:Jerry, how is that even possible?

Jerry:I don't know, I just... I clicked the wrong button.

April:This is the most government thing I've ever heard of.

Ben:We spent $2,000 on these.

Jerry:I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Buddy:You'd think a commuter airport could handle the luggage of 11 people at once, but apparently not

Ron:I'm offering each of you young people $5 to take care of your technology needs. A new computer, a phone, whatever you need.

Young Person:Um, that's not going to cover much.

Ron:Not cover much? In my day, $5 could buy you a house and a car. What's changed?

Chris:That's a... that's a really nice shirt, Ron. Is that a new shirt? Because it's very... blue.

Andy:You know what? You need to learn to delegate more. That's what a real leader does.

Ron:Where are you getting this?

Andy:You told me that!

Ron:I would never use the word 'leader' in that context.

Chris:Look, I'm fine with the whole Linda situation. I mean, it's not ideal, but I'm a mature adult who can handle—

Chris:Actually, you know what? I'm incredibly lonely and I miss having someone to talk to.

Andy:April and I have been together for a whole month! That's like, a new record for us.

April:We broke up twice last week.

Andy:Yeah, but we got back together both times! That's growth, April. That's what they call growth.

Andy:Happy anniversary! I got you condoms.

Ann:Why would you give me condoms?

Andy:Well, we've been together for a year, right? And condoms come in boxes of 12. So I figured, you know, 12 times a year, that's once a month. And I want to have sex with you once a month.

Ann:Andy, what is this?

Andy:It's a gift! Do you like it?

Ann:It's a onesie with your face on it.

Andy:Yeah! So you can wear me all the time!

Ann:We're breaking up.