Live Ammo

Leslie:I love you so much.

Ben:I love you too.

Leslie:No, I mean I love your apartment. Look at this crown molding!

Leslie:Feel how soft these are. Tom imported them from Italy.

Ann:Oh my God, these are the softest things I've ever felt in my entire life. I want to live in these blankets. I want to die in these blankets.

Leslie:Tom, you can't just keep spending money like this. You're going to bankrupt yourself.

Tom:Leslie, please. I have everything under control. My accountant says I'm fine.

Leslie:Your accountant is a guy named Derek who you met at a club. He's not even a real accountant.

Leslie:You know, it's like a Ken Burns documentary. We start with a photograph of the park from 1952, and then we slowly zoom in, and there's gentle piano music playing...

Pillner:Yeah, can you just tell me what you want?

Leslie:I know how I come across. I'm very aware. I know that I can be intense, and overbearing, and I have no concept of personal space, and I'm very loud. I get it. But what you don't understand is that I care. I genuinely care about this town and about the people in it, and if that makes me annoying, then so be it.

Ben Wyatt:Okay, so finalizing the budget is like... it's like assembling a model train set.

Leslie Knope:A model train set?

Ben Wyatt:Yeah. You've got all these individual pieces, and you have to make sure they fit together perfectly, or the whole thing falls apart.

Ron Swanson:That's the worst metaphor I've ever heard. And I once heard Tom compare himself to a gazelle.

Ben Wyatt:Well, I have an extensive model train collection, and—

Everyone:Of course you do.

Leslie:Our parks programs are essential to this community. Without them, people would just be out there doing trashy things like littering, then spray-painting, then full-on meth labs in the woods, then sacrificing animals to dark gods, then...

April:If there's an emergency, just call me. I'll handle it. Or don't call me, I don't care either way. Just figure it out yourselves.

April:Leslie loves her job. She thinks it's the best job in the world. She wakes up every morning excited to go to work.

April:In reality, she spends most of her time trying to convince people to come to parks that they have no interest in visiting, while dealing with Ron's indifference and Tom's incompetence.

Man:It's Giles, actually. Not Hamsterpenis.

April:No, you definitely look like a Hamsterpenis.

Tom:Russell, what do you think about a cologne that smells like money and broken dreams?

Russell Simmons:That's... not a business idea, Tom.

Tom:Okay, okay. What about a restaurant where all the food is cold and the waiters are angry?

Russell Simmons:Why would anyone go there?

Tom:Atmosphere, Russell. Pure atmosphere.

Ron:I'm not a fan of government. I think it's inefficient and wasteful. But I'm not saying we should burn it down... yet. First, we start small. We cut unnecessary spending. Then we reduce regulations. Then we eliminate entire departments. Then we dissolve Congress. Then we establish a new world order based on pure libertarian principles. Then we burn it all down.

Chris:Ron, I've been practicing some meditation and I really think it could help you find inner peace. We could do some yoga together.

Ron:Chris, I don't do yoga.

Chris:Come on, just try it. It's very centering. Plus, everyone wears yoga pants.

Ron:I'm not wearing yoga pants.

Leslie:Is this politics?

Leslie:Is this politics?

Leslie:Is this politics?

Tom:I'm gonna name this drink 'Beyoncé.' Because it's got all the right moves, and it'll make you want to say 'Whoa!'

Tom:Get it? Beyoncé? Be-yawn-say? Because this drink is boring.

Tom:Pairs nicely with the Jay-Zima. We bought a bunch of Zima when the factory shut down.

Jerry:Here are those papers Leslie wanted. I printed them all out myself.

April:These are blank.

Jerry:Yes, well, Leslie's orders were very specific.

April:They're completely blank.

Jerry:I followed them to the letter.

Ann:Meditation is just sitting there doing nothing for like an hour while your brain screams at you about all the things you should be doing.

Ann:It's like being trapped in an elevator with yourself.

Ann:Except the elevator is on fire and you're the fire.

Reporter:I'm not calling you a dog murderer.

Reporter:But are you a dog murderer?

Ben:I have to say, whoever made this really knows what they're doing. The color grading, the pacing... it's actually kind of beautiful.

Leslie:Ben, they're saying I'm a witch.

Ben:A very well-lit witch.

Ben:How did you sleep?

Leslie:Oh, I didn't. I adopted seventeen cats.

Leslie:And we also have a pig.

Ben:Of course you do.

Chris:This meditation center has incredible chi.

Chris:But there's only one outlet and my phone is at 12% battery.

Andy:Come on, Tom, just play with the cats for a little bit.

Tom:Andy, do you know how much this shirt costs? It's a limited edition Tom Ford. These cats have claws. Claws, Andy. I just got this dry cleaned.

Andy:It's just cats, man.

Tom:You don't understand fashion. This is cashmere. Cashmere, Andy. One snag and I'm out three hundred dollars.

April:That would be the coolest thing since *NSYNC, Aerosmith and Nelly performed together at the Super Bowl halftime show.

April:I help cats and dogs because they're better than people. People are awful and selfish, but animals are pure and innocent.

April:Plus, if I'm nice to animals, maybe they won't maul me in my sleep. It's basically self-preservation.

Leslie:We need to find creative solutions to our budget problems.

Ron:I have a pig.

Leslie:Ron, why would that help?

Ron:He eats everything. We could save thousands on waste disposal.

Leslie:Ron, he ate my laptop last week.

Ron:Exactly. Problem solved.

Andy:Hey, look on the bright side—that pig just ate your headphones, but at least he's getting a balanced diet now. Those things had like, what, three hours of battery life? That pig's gonna have energy for days.

Ron:I tried that meditation thing you all keep talking about. Sat in silence for twenty minutes. Completely pointless. My mind was blank, I felt calm, I had no thoughts or anxieties. Worst waste of time I've ever experienced.

April:This is Mittens. She fought in the Korean War.

April:That's Mr. Whiskers. He invented the croissant.

April:And this is Ray Charles. He's blind but he can see into your soul.

April:Also he's been dead for seven years.

Donna:Wait, this cat was in Citizen Kane?

April:This dog is descended from the original Spuds MacKenzie. We have papers.

Ben:This is... what is this?

Andy:It's a recreation of Starry Night, but made entirely out of fruit snacks and pizza rolls.

Ben:Andy, that's not... that's not what that painting is supposed to look like.

Andy:Well, I did it my way. It's called 'Snacky Night.'

Pillner:You're trying to fit two ships into one bottle. And take it from me, you can't do that.

Leslie Knope:Why don't we just use a bigger bottle?

Pillner:Because then it wouldn't be a ship in a bottle. It would just be a ship in a big bottle. And that violates the entire spirit of the ship-in-bottle covenant.

Ron:I don't meditate. I just sit in my office with the lights off. It's not complicated, Chris. You're thinking too much about thinking.

April:No, this is an adoption event. We're trying to find homes for cats, not take in more unwanted ones.

April:You know what I learned today? The more effort you put into something, the worse it turns out. I'm going to stop trying at everything forever.

Ben:Being in politics is so stressful. I don't know how I do it sometimes.

Leslie:Well, you're not as naturally suited for it as I am. I mean, if I had to pick an Obama to be, I'd obviously be Michelle.

Ben:Why would you have to pick an Obama?

Leslie:I don't know, but if I did, it'd be Michelle.

Pillner:See, the whole point of a ship in a bottle is that it's impossibly small inside the bottle, right? So I've been working on this for three years, perfecting every detail. And finally, I got it perfect. So I took it out to show people.

Pillner:Now it's just a ship.

Ron:I have no political beliefs. I don't believe in anything. I'm just here, eating breakfast, waiting to die.

Ron:I'm going to go find some peace and quiet. Peace out.

Ben:Ann, I think it's great you're considering nursing. But let me paint you a picture of what that job really entails. You'll be wiping things you didn't know could be things. You'll work 12-hour shifts for about $15 an hour. You'll develop a cough from the fluorescent lights. Your feet will hurt so bad you'll consider amputation as a viable career move. And that's just Tuesday.

Ben:Leslie, we can't just add a new park without cutting something from the budget.

Leslie:What if we did though?

Ben:We can't.

Leslie:Okay, I need everyone to be quiet. I'm having a thought.

Leslie:...Nope, it's gone.

Leslie:I have a solution. I'm going to destroy my career.

Leslie:I'm going to go on live television and tell everyone that I lied about my qualifications, my experience, everything.

Leslie:Then I'll admit I've been embezzling from the Parks Department to fund my secret government experiments.

Leslie:And finally, I'll confess that I have no idea what I'm doing and I never have.

Tom:April? April, I need to talk to you about something.

April:I'm not here.

Tom:I can hear you through the door.

April:You're imagining things. I don't exist.

Tom:April, please.

April:I'm not in this room. I'm not in this building. I'm not in this town. I'm not on this planet.

Tom:You know what? Forget the adoption event. Forget helping people. Forget society. That's what I do, and I'm thriving. You should try it.

April:Really?

Tom:No, but it sounds nice, doesn't it?

Tom:Look at this photo I took of the adoption papers. Pretty good, right?

April:You didn't take that. Where did you get it?

Tom:I took it. With my phone.

April:No, you didn't. You can't take photos. You take photos like a dead person takes photos.

Ron:Look, I know losing your job seems bad, but think about it this way: you're finally free from the government's tyrannical grip. No more participating in the bureaucratic machine that crushes the individual spirit and enslaves the working man to endless regulations and red tape. You should be celebrating.

Newport's handler:The air quality in this town is terrible.

Newport's handler:Actually, you know what? Don't even get me started on the water.

Leslie:I'm going to absolutely destroy you in this debate. I've been preparing for weeks. I know every fact, every statistic, every possible argument you could make.

Chris:I'm so excited about this board game night! I've been preparing all week. I even made a healthy smoothie for us to enjoy while we play.

Ben:Chris, that's a bottle of whiskey.

Chris:It's a health drink. Alcohol is made from natural ingredients!

Ron:I'm achieving inner peace.

Ron:The energy in this room is very positive.

Ron:I'm one with the universe.