The Treaty

Oh hey, Ben. Have you seen my complete collection of all 193 national flags? Ooh! Here they are.

I kinda want to roll up my sleeves and make geopolitical problem-solving my bitch.

Andy, will you be Iceland? / The bad guys from Mighty Ducks 2?

How 'bout Germany? / They've never been the bad guys.

And I'll be the Moon. / No, you're gonna be South Africa or Pakistan. / I'm the Moon, or I quit.

Fine. You be South Africa, and you can also secretly run the moon. / The Moon accepts your ridiculous proposal.

Look! I'll let you be America. / And teach kids that not only is government good but that there should be a World-wide super-government? I'd rather sand down my toenails.

Every three weeks, I have to sand down my toenails. They're too strong for clippers.

I really wouldn't describe myself as a Model U.N. legend. I'd go with icon. Or hero.

Look, if you ask me, Enron is down but not out. Who doesn't like a comeback story?

Then two days ago, I saw him spraying cologne samples at Macy's.

You were grinding with her pretty hard at April's Halloween party.

Wow. A four-date-long relationship might not be 100% perfect? I think you should launch a full-scale investigation.

The root of sarcasm is truth, Ann. I am going to launch a full-scale investigation.

But Ben and I have so much in common. I mean, we're amazing friends. And friendship is better because friends help you move. They drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you and marry you.

You're too accessible. Every time she calls, you answer. You gotta dangle the carrot, literally and metaphorically.

No, no, no. I was fired because I made a pass at an ethnic woman.

Oh, you know, hitchhiking around. I went to Mexico. I met a lot of ethnic girls. They grow on trees down there.

He said he liked ethnic girls, Tom.

I was the first person to abbreviate Parks and Recreation Department. First it was Parks and Recreation. Then Parks and Rec. Then P&R. Then lengthened it just a little bit to... Tommy's place.

Under-exaggerate much, France? Ha ha! Nice!

Leslie and I aren't dating anymore, but, uh, we're friends. So it's fun. It's just fun. It's fun... it's... fun... It is fun.

Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?

But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries. / But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.

I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now. I have no idea what's going on. But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.

Well, how about me make it a cool 40?

Shut up, Bulgaria!

Or, as they say in Denmark... 'I'm back.' Most people speak English.

The nation of Denmark would like to formerly request a summit with the nation of Peru over there by the refreshment table. Because the nation of Denmark needs a juice box.

You can't just chop up the aspects of a relationship into discrete parts and select the ones you want like a buffet. / Why not?

Due to a recent betrayal, my homeland, the great state of Denmark, has officially decided to declare war on Peru. Scandinavian brothers, on my signal. Unleash hell!

No. I'm not kidding. My name's Gary, and I'm from Gary, Indiana. Amazing. People like hearing that. It's probably one of my stronger anecdotes.

A fact is not an anecdote, Gary. Here's an anecdote... Today I met the most boring man in the world. His name was Gary.

Under sex, you wrote... 'Yes. Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha.' Well-played.

Like one... one month of money... Would be... would be just right.

the only thing I will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

Competent enough to keep the bosses off my back, but selfish enough to slow down all the work. Tom Haverfords don't grow on trees. If they did, I'd sell 'em. Tommy trees.

I'm like a shark. I don't swim backwards.

Yeah! We got the freaking moon. What are you gonna do without tides, Peru?

And the jacuzzi broke. But I did... eat food off of your body.

'Cause you guys suck. Look around. We thought you were gonna teach us how to solve problems. You've ruined my favorite club. Thanks a lot.

When Ben gets upset, he becomes a really bad roommate. He takes really long sadness baths and makes me late for stuff.

you basically turned me into a female version of yourself, and then you got bored dating me because you were dating yourself.

Jogging is the worst, Chris. I mean, I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

If you rearrange the letters of Peru, you could spell Europe. / That's... That's not true. / Well... You have to rearrange them.

How do you know about Camp David? / How do you know about camp David?

Ben, how are we gonna get Kathy Ireland to do naked aerobics for them? / Okay. I regret telling you that... very much.

There's a Macy's in town? Where's the Macy's in town? I heard they have an amazing cologne sample guy.

The nicest room in City Hall by a factor of like a million.

Passion is what makes for good treaties... Good relationships... Good pizza. Good friends. Good everything. Including wars.

Sorry. These are really important.