Bailout

These kids are renting my old clothes like they're going out of style. Which they never will.

Oh, 'day-yay-yam,' it is kind of a sausage party in here. For the record, would hit it, would hit, would hit.

♪ Oh, yeah she's my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister.

♪ The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.

So if you say no, I will start a fire in the bathroom.

♪ The wo-o-o-orst. She's the worst in the world.

I could do, uh, Shoah. Okay, Paths Of Glory it is.

Which is why I give E.T. 1 1/2 stars.

What's everybody-- where are we?

Why would I do that? All movies are online for free. I'm watching Iron Man 2 on my phone right now.

But if you want a film about the ocean, we have a documentary about the brutality of Japan's whaling industry. It's called Tears Of My Blowhole. And it's--it's nauseating.

Oh, we only have Japanese slime candy and, um, Bulgarian wheat balls.

All these kids have fathers and mothers who have birthed them and are guiding them through life. Yep, that's how it works.

I am 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do.

Why don't you make Tom your sack of flour, see how it feels to parent him a little?

100%. She's a total klepto. And nympho and pyro-- all those things.

Ben, that is literally the greatest idea in human history.

I heard 'sack of flour' and 'high school.' Are you dingdongs making fake drugs for sophomores? Because if true, this guy wants in.

Good morning, April. What's your secret? I'm thinking about applying to veterinary school in Bloomington. Oh, my God, April, that's great!

- as a janitor... - Nurse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

No, you have to be my friend. No, that is so much worse.

Because you hooked up with him? I don't hook up with everyone I know. Although, yes, we did hook up.

Anything can be a slam poem if you say it like this. It's pointless.

This man is a failure. He is not up to snuff. His business is failing, and you're bailing it out. This is a bailout, and I don't like it.

I once saw her punch a police horse in the face.

You're a smart, successful young man with an adorable, little belly.

And if she murders me, tell Jean-Ralphio to clear my browser history.

That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.

Please stop talking about wounded meat.

I haven't rented it, actually, yet. But I like the idea that there is a place where I could rent Rashomon.

You are so freaking sexy right now, I could crap my pants.

Yao Ming's torso, Napoleon's brain, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame's hunchback.

I'm kind of just fracking for friendship.

I was on food stamps. I was on Welfare. And nobody ever helped me.

We started making out. Hard. Next thing you know, we're back at my place, having sex. We're together now.

Hey, bitch, I need to borrow some money to do something that is none of your damn beeswax, namely, I need to wax my bee.

Hey, bitch, I need to borrow some money to do something that is none of your damn beeswax, namely, I need to wax my bee.

These braids you did are making my brain hurt.

No, anything you can say to Ann, you can say to me because we're best friends this week.

Hey, let's go put on our pj's and make White Russians. So fun.

You have made us porn peddlers!

You have made us porn peddlers!

So I'm thrilled to tell you that I'm playing Leslie Knope in the porn version of the story of this government bailout!

This never happened.

Much less a bran muffin, which is the highest honor that flour can achieve.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.

I know what I'm about, son.

These will not be necessary.

A baby-naming book. I hope it works out with Chris. And if it doesn't, I hope it works out with someone.

Well, I guess your uter-you and my uter-me are now our uter-us.

I'm glad you're here, Dong Swanson. The local video store's about to go under. We have to save it. Oh, this is the wrong movie.