Correspondents Lunch

We saw the bus stop where a young Barack Obama used to sit and wait for the bus. - Theoretically. - It's possible.

Then we went and visited Honolulu City Hall... Well, it looked amazing, but it was closed.

Well, the busboy at our restaurant told us about a guy who we met in a parking lot, and then he had a backpack full of this stuff, and I'm just realizing now that it's not tea.

Ron, this is the Hawaiian god of anger. It reminded us of you when you're at work. - A handsome gentleman.

We got Jerry some earbuds, and a bag of peanuts, and the Skymall catalog. - Same thing you got me from your trip to Washington!

Tom, we got you an autographed portrait of your personal hero. No way! Scott Caan from Hawaii five-0!

April, as requested, we threw that box you gave us into that volcano. - Thank you.

Andy, as you requested, got you a three-pack of white T-shirts from Target. - Thank you. All mine are dirty.

Some people say that it's a useless tabloid. But I don't think it's useless. I think it's great for housebreaking puppies.

364 days a year, they rake me over the coals. Today, I take those burning coals, I shove them back down their throats, and I watch their melting flesh drip off their worthless faces! It's all in good fun.

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently. - That's not really a joke, Ron. - I disagree. I find it hilarious.

Ann Perkins! - Hey, Chris! Got to run to a meeting. With Ron. - Great idea! I'll run to my next meeting.

Sorry, the door was open. I wish this office had only walls.

Turns out they don't make greeting cards for asking your ex-boyfriend if he will artificially inseminate you.

I want my friend to do something for me, and I don't know how to ask him. What do you want him to do? Plant ficuses. In my front yard.

Grossest metaphor ever. I've seen your house. You'd have more success if he planted ficuses in your backyard.

Then plant the damn ficuses yourself. - I wish that were possible.

Ah, yes. My late husband. He was so decrepit.

Running the new Sweetums Foundation charity allows me to do that and work in an office with more mahogany wood than currently remains in the Amazon rain forest. So, win-win. Except for the rain forest.

Yeah, there's even a rumor going around that the chocolate is made of rat parts. Well... You know what they say about rumors. - Yeah. - They're mostly true.

Including the rat thing? - Yeah. What are you gonna do? It's where all the flavor comes from.

Oh, would you look at that. There is a smudge on my tail. Oh! All better.

But, if you ask me, we should be making fun of the food. 'I am not the cook.'

Do you happen to have a can opener? 'Cause I'm about to open this on you. Did you make that can of 'whoop ass' for this exact moment? Yeah, I came prepared.

Uh, my speech doesn't need your luck. It needs a Surgeon General's warning because it's so harmful to your health. Oh, look, it has one.

Shauna Malwae-Tweep, my ex-girlfriend. It seems like you and I have a classic mix 'em up.

You came down here to pass on helping me? Yeah, I wanted to see what your face looked like when I said no. It was totally worth it.

Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.

He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

Well, it sounds like you guys got it covered. I'm gonna head out. Actually have my own charity to attend to. Tommy's tummy foundation.

Damn it. That was my opener. Oh my god, those are my jokes. She's stealing my jokes.

Oh! I just opened up a can of 'whoop ass' on myself!

I remember the very first Correspondents' Lunch. I rode here in a horse and buggy. No, no, no, that wasn't a joke. I actually did. That also was not a joke.

Go stand in the corner and think about what you've done. And no dessert!

So, like, maybe there's something there, where, like, he went to school with his high-school buddies that were dinosaurs. And his tie is green. They're green.

Oh, Ann, you're too beautiful to be funny. It's not your fault. You've never had to compensate for anything.

And the streets, as you know, are dangerous. Example--I fell in a sewer grate once. I was there all day. In conclusion, we cannot let our children live in the sewer any longer.

It's called the Clean Sheet Foundation. They provide legal assistance to the KKK. This is your pick? Yeah. Can you pass the bonbons?

Perd Hapley is here today. Or, as Perd would say, 'My name is Perd Hapley, and the person I see here today... is me.'

Do you see what is happening with Chris and Shauna? They are flirting like crazy. It's disgusting. They're in public. - That's called a conversation.

Ron, there are no ficuses, okay? I wanted to ask Chris to be the father of my baby. - Good God.

Someone fucking tell me what Neve Campbell sounds like.

'Strap on your adult diapers, everyone. Because you're about to wet yourself from laughter. Give it up for Leslie Knope.'

'Whassup,' Pawnee? Um... Borat. Well, that's my time. They're giving me the light. So, uh, I did great.

Tom, do you have to run that right now? Oh, no, Ben! These smoothies will just blend themselves!

Ambulances are dumb. When has an ambulance ever helped anyone?

Well, I'm terribly disappointed. But I'm sure the doctors or giraffes or whatever you decided to help will be thrilled with the whatever you decided to whatever.

'Chris-toe-fur.' It's like you have furry toes. Hilarious.

Jaguar. Why do you ask? - Doin' a survey. Well, survey completed.

I want to have a baby. Will you be the sperm donor? The story of this situation is it's extremely personal.

The Pawnee Sun has been one step ahead of me for months... The Pawnee Sun hacked my email. I've been hacked!

Okay, smashing your phone won't stop hacking. That's also my phone.

There is nothing more disgusting than an invasion of privacy. And I should know. I've had many women steal my undershirts.

You can't hack into a typewriter. That's all I have to say.

Well, let me tell you something else that's interesting, Ben. What? I farted five minutes ago. Didn't even smell it till just now. That's how tight my pants are.

There's a 'Top Ten Ben's butt 2012 slide show.' You emailed it to Ben and Ann... And The Huffington Post?

You wrote him an email about riding your dragons to Pelennor Fields and signed it 'Dimple Broadbelt of Buckland.' Yes, that's Ben and my fantasy Lord Of The Rings pen pal letters.

You are a great specimen. That's a terrible choice of words.

Take as much time as you want. Or just maybe, like, a couple days. 'Cause I'm getting antsy. And I'm ovulating on Thursday. So, chop-chop. But take your time. Wear loose pants!

I gotta tell you, Ron. You were absolutely and totally right. I know. Stop talking and get out.

Midi-chlorians are a fictional substance found in the blood of Jedi knights from the movie Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Which, side-note, was a terrible movie.

I have never seen Star Wars, because I was too busy hooking up with guys. Unlike you losers.

Uh, you wanna compare numbers, Terlando?

You know who else is excited to be here? Neve Campbell. What a great party... of five.

Then who is it? Well, he is, uh, sitting right here in this courtyard. That guy? Do you even know him? Oh, my God, Andy, it's you.