Animal Control

Those are some chairs. That's a cat or opossum.

Oh, this is a napkin where I wrote down a cool name for a dog. 'Bark Obama.' Right?

Oh. Yo. Yeah. We found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle, like in the beginning of The Flintstones. Tougher than it looked, though.

We have a massive pest problem in this town, and it's because the Animal Control Department has been disaster... at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana.

This place is a miserable suck hole run by two pot-head losers. It's completely and utterly mismanaged. Thanks!

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Four. There's four ways to skin a cat. Regular blade--

Coyote trap, dude... Yeah, we got, like, a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but you know, nobody get on the phone.

You're the people you would be calling. That is so trippy.

Yo, let's go to Jamaica. No, we should go to Jamaica. Oh, is that what you said? Yeah, dog.

Usually, I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health.

Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling, which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film. I was wrong.

Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.

Ron collapsing

Uh, 'Spasm.' No, 'Butter Face'! Very good! Yes!

The man owns a Rolexus. It's a Lexus filled with Rolexes. What's the point of that? To have it, which he does.

I already took what I call a 'dwyer shower.' I rubbed my armpits with air fresheners.

Friend of mine, bit of an alcoholic, a little grabby, either a war hero or war criminal, depending on who you ask, but a good dude. How do you know him? I do his teeth.

A few coffee stains up front, but his canines are insane. Gosh, Jeremy, he sounds perfect. Are his gums great too? Oh, yeah. They are excellent, beet red.

This whole place runs on dibs.

For 'date of birth,' you wrote 'springtime.' Which is true.

How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week? One. That's it, one drink? One shelf.

Do you exercise? Yes. Lovemaking and woodworking.

Do you have any history of mental illness in your family? I have an uncle who does yoga.

Allergies? Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.

Sexual history. Epic and private.

If I give as much as I get, I'm giving $20 million. Ay yi yi. That's how much I'm worth, 20...million...dollars.

Ah, he's disgusting, but I want to take his money and give it to needy people, so I'm just gonna keep on smiling. Yay!

Harris, we know who you are. I literally just fired you. Oh, is this that job? That's crazy! Never mind.

What up? Yo, my name is Brett. I like burgers, and also, I'm very high right now. Dude, this is hilarious! Oh, yo! We live together! Yo, we live in the same place! This is my boy! Hey, 'Wyld Stallyns'!

Actually, when I went there, it was just a two-year college. Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job. Aw, geez.

I am very, very, very, very frightened of animals.

You see Dr. Richard Nygard? I'm a Nygardian too!

I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind. Get out. I made you say that.

Balsa wood? You could at least use mahogany.

Wish all patients were like that. It's really annoying when they ask questions.

I think that guy wants to hunt me.

You're a dick. Excuse me? How dare you talk to me like that? Where are your manners?

I run a children's break dancing studio called 'D.J. Jazzy Vern's.'

Hey, you know what, he's not a rack of ribs, so stop grilling him. Nailed it.

Ribs are better smoked than grilled, so un-nailed it, with the back part of the hammer.

I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker. I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

What's your name? Batman. See? I failed.

I will be your Pocahontas. Climb into my papoose.

Those are personal. No one's allowed to read those.

But only if you divorce Ben. Hey, don't even joke about that. What? I really think he's wrong for you.

Alcohol is delicious and fun...damentally a substance that should not be abused.

Wow. Ms. Ludgate, are you a ventriloquist? I mean, that is amazing how you make your words come out of Ms. Knope's mouth. Would you like to put her on your knee?

I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

I guess my first move as director would be to fill your office, house, and car with snakes, and then train a crow to fly up your butt.

This check is made out to 'Go [bleep] yourself.' In your face! Dennis Feinstein helps no man!

Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. / Run!

Eddie, get my crossbow. Crossbow? What the--

Think about Ivy and Zoe and Diane, and eat a damn banana.

No, thank you. I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I'll die.

There shouldn't be a separate Animal Control Department. Its budget is tiny, and it's ineffective, and frankly, no one could change that.

Somebody wake up Milton. History is being made. Iwo Jima!

I can write up an official report in language simple enough for even you dummies to understand, dummies.

Hang on a second. You seem to be forgetting that I already told Vern he got the job, and he already bought a new speedboat.

I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

I'm just sick of being on the losing side. I'm going to tell everyone this was my idea. Retro-jammed.

Rent-A-Swag is gonna donate five cents from every dollar we make this month.

I had it made your first week here. I knew you'd be going places, so I wanted to be prepared.

Can I hire an intern? Not yet. Can I hire a Mexican elf? No. Can I buy a child bride? No. Then how is this even a promotion?