Article Two

"Be it decreed: Should the taxation of tea rise to an unacceptable level, citizens shall dump Ted into Ramsett Lake."

"Historical fun fact, when the Founding Fathers wrote the charter, their old-timey script made one of the As look like a D, so 'tea' became 'ted.'"

"I don't even go by Ted! I go by Theodore!"

"You were so funny when you were like, 'My cell phone, I left it in my pocket.' Then you checked it, remember, and it didn't work."

"Ha! Classic Ted."

"Here's a quarter. I own your car now. The Pawnee Charter clearly states that any white citizen has the right to seize any Indian property for 25 cents."

"Whoa, I think we should be careful when we speculate what the Founders intended when they wrote the charter."

Ted slaps Leslie based on an 1868 statute about women raising their voices to landowning males

"I was not aware of that statute."

"I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done."

literally my two favorite people in the cataloged universe

"Ron, you've never been CTMTSed?"

"It better not be Terrence Howard's tank top from Hustle & Flow."

"'Cause I am bidding on it and I am ready to spend an amount that my accountant calls 'dangerous and irresponsible.'"

Ben's calendar showing Leslie's absurd number of anniversaries including 'Talk Like A Pittsburgh Pirate day'

"It's like being smothered with a hand-quilted pillow filled with cherished memories."

"Hell yeah. Have you seen those Dothraki dudes? They can get it. Everybody on that show can get it."

Calendar Day present celebrating the first time she ever bought me a calendar

"My name is Garth Blundin, and I object to your ridiculous proposal. Uh, the Pawnee Charter shall not be changed. Not today, not ever!"

This is why we don't hang out

Garth beginning his Star Wars filibuster: "Pan down from the twin suns of Tatooine..."

"Imagine those two going up against Robot Chewbacca, 'cause that's gonna happen."

"By that logic, every time I go to bed at night, I am Wolverine."

"You bought X-Men pajamas?" "I won them, madam, in a raffle."

they also had wooden teeth and pooped in holes in the ground

"Hop on board The Management Train. First stop, Motivation Station. All aboard!"

"You're 'Future Mrs. Tiger Woods'? I made that profile, like, ten years ago. I don't know how to change it."

"The Lannisters, while very wealthy, do not possess the magical abilities of, say, the Warlocks of Qarth for example."

"First of all, you don't steer a locomotive. The tracks do."

"Money, fear, and hunger."

"When people feel supported, they will literally explode with productivity."

"My spirit blood is on your hands."

"I don't want to seem overdramatic, but this is literally a battle for April's soul."

"I don't want to seem overdramatic, but I don't really care what happens here."

Old things are dumb. It's like, just be new.

Already, I've done the preserves and chased off an interloping cable installer

"Definitely didn't volunteer. I had much better things to do. Leslie said she'd pay me 100 bucks."

"And I had nothing better to do. I'm doing it for free."

"Hello, Ben. Seems like I love Leslie more than you do."

Say no more. Here's a bunch of guns.

"Let's start the bidding at $650,000."

"I'll give it to you if you go on a date with me." "Oh, God. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but fine."

I'll give it to you if you go on a date with me

"One time my refrigerator stopped working, I didn't know what to do. I just moved."

"All my favorite foods have butter on 'em. Pancakes, toast, popcorn, grapes. Butter is my favorite food."

How long was that under there?

The earthquake that destroys part of the historical house

Look at my hoop, Leslie. Look at my hoop!

Ron's motivational experiment with Jerry: "You are smart and capable. And I believe you can accomplish anything."

The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them.

"Oh, my God. It's true. He hasn't gotten an email in twelve days! Is he a ghost?"

"The only ones he gets are spam. And he responds to them."

"A birthing stick." "What's that?" "You do not want to know."

"Yes, I will go out on a date with you, but I realize you're a modern woman, so I will let you pay."

Yes, I will go out on a date with you, but I realize you're a modern woman, so I will let you pay

Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! I'm Ted, too, guys.

"Huzzah, I'm Ted! I'm Ted! I'm Ted, too, guys. Andy! Yeah! He's naked, everybody! Put that away! We're all Ted! Yeah! No, Andy!"

"Thank God. I don't know how to swim."

I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy.

April's note: "I will pit Ron and Chris against each other. They'll argue about dumb stuff that doesn't matter, and I will bail. Then I'll steal $20 from Chris's wallet and buy pizza with Andy. Oh. and I'll also steal Ron's watch, just for fun."

"Wait, what? Oh, my God. You're both dying."

Oh, my God. You're both dying.

That's ridiculous, I'm so much better.