The Wall

Dear God, woman.

What are you doing up there in space, baby? Ah! So cute!

Oh, my God, whose baby is that? That would be mine.

Guys, get in here! Ron has a baby!

John middle name redacted Swanson

John was born some time ago, weighing multiple pounds and several ounces.

Much like his father, he is a fan of silence. Please keep your voices down.

Just let her tire herself out.

When did you get a fish?

Um, he dislocates his shoulder to the music of Billy Joel.

The Pawnee Journal called it, 'Why would anyone do this?'

described himself as 'Jackson Pollock-esque' and I told him that's finger painting for adults and I hate it!

Pawnee might once again tolerate-slash-ignore me.

I know that sounds bad, but for a politician it's pretty much the best-case scenario.

'Grant Larson,' otherwise known as Elton John.

He's basically the Liam Bonneville of the Midwest.

The department of the interior's resident bad boy?

He's basically the Tim Dweck-- Okay, never mind.

This is your chance to put your names on the Pawnee unity concert, the biggest event of 2014... besides the unveiling of Tricia's new highlights.

You think I wouldn't notice? You look fly as hell, girl!

And dork-asaurus over here is gonna handle the boring stuff. / You said you genuinely valued my business acumen. / Also, I'm your boss.

It says 'Property of Pawnee government.' Isn't that adorable?

The kool-aid guy makes it look so easy.

I've taken great pains to see as little of this building as possible. Turns out the third floor is silent, empty, and completely free of government work.

pearlies for girlies. / It's unisex. / The cartoon princess on the label says so.

I may have a few eggs ready to hatch in the personal idea nest.

Bees! Bees! Oh! Nobody panic! Ohhh, noooo! Ah! It stung me in the eyeball!

The stupid Eagletonians are totally getting the pwned by these bees. I'm gonna send this straight to tosh.

Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you. I got stung once, I'm immune. Go ahead and sting me, bees. It does nothing.

Nice try, prank queen. Probably bees in there.

Plus, one Pawneean was stung... in his mouth because he was laughing at the Eagletonians.

Don't mention my bee hole.

My son is several weeks old. He's quite familiar with the sound of power tools.

Lasik for fingernails? Cut your fingernails once, never have to cut 'em again.

'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens.

'Saltweens!' Saltines for tweens.

You can't lean in to whisper and then yell. That's not fair.

No, I'm not. But I do have an idea.

You can't lean in to whisper and then yell. That's not fair.

I got all help I'll need right here. [referring to baby]

This is so boring! This is like listening to a TED talk by the color beige.

Excuse me, Mike. That's, uh, best friend.

Got a lotta filth in my kindle anyway.

Wish I had my ninja stars!

I just wanted you to have a brief moment of happiness before you got sadder.

It's to distract people from my black eye. See? It's working.

It's just like a big, fun... stinking turd nugget. It sucks.

Ben! You brought the wrong easel. God! Can't take this guy anywhere.

Liam Bonneville actually used it to humiliate staffers, but... he's kind of a bad boy.

your boss here sure knows his stuff.

This subpar toolbox only had one wrench, so I was lucky it was a three-quarters or I'd have been screwed.

You like fixing this town, Leslie, you always have. You know it's an uphill battle, but you love the struggle.

I'm sorry, I meant... because I can think of a lot of reasons not to take it.

That's not your hand. Here it is. / Sorry, my depth perception is totally screwed up.

That's not your hand. Here it is. Sorry, my depth perception is totally screwed up.

So as of now, you own zero shares.

Most people in this world, John, are ass[bleep].

He now has that satisfied look that only comes with the pride of labor. Or he pooped. Either way, well done, John.