One In 8,000

I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.

if I'm gonna perform Islands In the Stream with a Sacagawea hologram

That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.

My neighbor Eric-- he's kept a secret for 20 years. He's in Witness Protection.

[Shouts] What? Ron Swanson asking for help?

Keep your voice down, woman!

Tammy two once seduced a coroner and had me declared legally dead just so she could get a discount on a plane ticket.

Think they're valuable? Cover me.

You're stressing out for two now.

That's actually a pretty decent t-shirt idea.

Come on, you two. Let's saddle you up and put some jelly on the belly.

Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap.

Oh, I forgot, other hand. Crap.

You get twice the secrets.

I'm not acting weird. You're acting weird.

[Breathing heavily] [Saw whirring]

I'm getting a picture of you volunteering at a public elementary school in case I ever need to blackmail you.

I am Donna's work-proximity associate.

The baby has two bodies?

And here's a fourth. I'm so sorry, no. It's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen.

Wow, you guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at one time? Ha, a nightmare.

If we do this right, we can be parents to 1/3 of the supreme court!

a going-out-of-business sale

Leslie, I need you to be Buddha on quaaludes, and, Ben, you are Matthew McConaughey in a hammock on the beach.

All right, all right. All right.

I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing, and I love you.

We are so [bleep] screwed.

Look, I hate it when my students are upset, so I just went out, driving around. I checked a few neighborhood parks. It took barely six hours.

It's the best muffin I've ever had.

I got so many kids from different women, I just get all of their birthdays out of the way one day a year.

Also, tell me your secret.

It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

Oh, so that's why you've been so nice to him and let him carry all your stuff.

It's about Larry. He is very sick. He has some kind of disease.

A very wealthy and elegant-looking woman with a diamond-encrusted eye patch just raised her hand.

The sheik has thrown his hat into the ring.

I am hanging on by a thread over here.

I didn't mean to say 'Bye.'

the gentleman with the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder

3,000, says the gentleman with the crazy hat and a monkey on his shoulder.

I was licking icing off of my finger, and then, boom, I swallow my wedding ring. And I wish I could say it was the first time.

I've gotten very good at passing it. It's just a matter of getting out the old colander.

covering everything from the culture of Southern California to drug use in Southern California

I'm more of a Jack Johnson guy.

It's not even the original lineup.

You have very weak hands.

if flea had sent you his bass, you could've lost a thumb

He's constantly being respectful, wanting to spend time with me, trying to 'connect' with me. It's a nightmare. I become boring.

unless you choose the right grail. It's the dusty one.

Ben is dying--he has the same disease Larry has. Leslie is dying. They're both dying. I'm dying.

They're moving again to China...town in France.

Tom has something wrong with his butt.

I promise not to cheat on you if you promise not to try to pin me down too fast.

I'll wear that red thing when you deserve to see me in that red thing.

the Indiana scholarship for pretty blondes who like to read. It's now called the Virginia Woolf prize--different time.

You just look so crazy right now, but cute.

You just look so crazy right now, but cute.

I am immune to stress because I have you.

You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Your family has made you a more patient and empathetic person. You take that back.

You're King Sparkle of Cupcake Forest. It suits you.

Andy, the camo is not working. I can see you.

I'm sure you will both raise a wonderful child with whom I will profoundly disagree on nearly everything.

First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed?