2017

The guy whose name you forbid me from saying out loud because it fills you with rage.

I'm perfectly civil. He's the stupid garbage head doodoo face.

It's time to trade those dumb old trees for a buttload of cash.

I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week. Oh, God. I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off. Maybe I'll go to law school or something.

Hello, former strange person I used to friend.

You're looking very Ron-like.

No, I don't! I have bangs now! I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn!

Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.

Hell yeah, pimp! He's on Team Gryzzl now.

Yes. The land has good sky.

Leslie! I couldn't find that file you wanted, but I did find a file called Bird Census 1980. And it's empty.

Get out of here, Ed! I fired you. Right. If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway. He's very stupid.

Babe, I just dropped off Leslie's triplets with her mom. All three of 'em. Nailed it.

Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.

Andy, no. Ninjas attack! Andy. No. That's my crotch. Okay, guys. Three more kicks apiece.

Oh, Leslie, I have always liked you. Yeah, no, you haven't though.

But I also like money. And money pays for my lifestyle. Leslie doesn't pay for my lifestyle. Money does. So, between money and Leslie... You see the bind that I'm in.

Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero. But who is my hero? Simple. It's me five years from now.

You are looking at one of Indiana Business Monthly's 35 under 35. I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper. We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter.

Wanna wake me up when you're done boring us to death, am I right, Janet? Write down that I'm funny.

Wait. You don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you?

Andy, we're planning our whole week, like old people! We used to be spontaneous and weird. We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls.

We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls. You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.

You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership. I won.

We're boring people who bore each other by being boring.

Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund, and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions. Which, by the way, attendance has been up. That's not a coincidence.

My son sells them on Etsy. He is a huge disappointment.

So you would like the Wamapoke people to pay the federal government millions of dollars to buy land that was stolen from us by the federal government? And we don't even get to keep the land?

I'm so crazy and spontaneous, I don't even need this sling anymore. Yes. Oh. Did you hear that pop?

You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

I'm gonna take a Zantac. All that salt will give me heartburn. Oh, God. You ruined it. We have to figure something else out. Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.

So I'm kind of totally on Ron's side.

Shia LaBeouf designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.

Yes, I go by Terry now. Because there was a guy at National Parks. He was already named Larry, so they suggested I go by Terry. And then I said my real name is Gary, and they said, 'Who cares?'

Unless you're talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets.

And that man was me. Tom Haverford, owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro.

I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it. They're long enough for five or six. I fit seven on this one. It's a masterpiece.

And I say, 'Not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble.'

And I say, 'Not for me. I'm pretty amazing at being humble.'

And thank you to Tom for that moving tribute to you.

How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on. Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing. Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.

How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on. Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing. Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.

Being responsible adults sucks butts.

I'm gonna get naked. I'm gonna get up there. Everyone is gonna see my wiener. I mean, you've seen it. You know how dumb it looks.

It's like 'Voldemort' or 'Ron.'

They're still gonna serve that cake, right?

I love you, too. I love your skin. Give me your skin.

It's the creepy warehouse district. It's mostly just raccoons and old car batteries.

Truth is they didn't ask me to introduce you. I asked them if I could do it.

Is this a circle? Or is it an O? Is Oprah involved in your bid?

Well, yes, admittedly, it did make the fish taste delicious, but it was a PR nightmare.

It says here there are 12 closets, three bomb shelters, five dumbwaiters, two and three-eighths baths, no kitchens. It's a fairly standard layout.

No. This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.

After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World.

Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt, Babip, Pecota, Vorp and Eckstein

You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot. Oh, I don't. I think he nailed it.

And also I made cookies, but Ron is not allowed to eat them and they say, 'Prepare for War' on them, but the O in the word 'for' is a heart.

but the O in the word 'for' is a heart. And I ate a lot of 'em on the way over here.