Ron And Jammy

Jeremy:Hey Leslie!

Jeremy:I just farted.

Leslie:Jeremy Jamm is like if a mayonnaise jar came to life and decided to ruin everything good about government.

Leslie:Jeremy and Tammy are dating? Their combined name sounds like a food product. Jemmy. It's a breakfast spread.

Jeremy:She saw me nail Gangsta's Paradise, I saw her bite the door guy.

Leslie:Wait, when did we start dating?

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No no no no no. That's not... we're not... I mean, I love you, but not like that. You're like a brother to me. A really annoying brother who I'm forced to work with and who keeps making terrible decisions.

Leslie:Oh, Joan, Chateau Marmont is a hotel in Los Angeles. You can't drink a hotel.

Joan:Did you get Buddy Holly to sing?

Leslie:No, he died in a plane crash in 1959.

April:I'm April.

Joan:Nice to meet you, Erin.

April:It's April.

Joan:Yes, dear, April. That's what I said.

April:The dark twist that it was just one car they had to fight over.

Tom:What does culinary mean?

Tom:It means you're really good at lying about how much the meal costs.

Leslie:Well, Ron, that's a very sophisticated economic argument, but you know what? Your face is a sophisticated economic argument.

Joan:Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.

Leslie Knope:Joan, this is Pawnee. You're the Parks Department secretary. You're having a psychotic break.

Leslie:Jeremy, please don't mention Hitler.

Jeremy:You know who I think is underrated? Hitler.

Ron:His reasoning is pure mustache solidarity

Joan:Follow your passion, do what makes you happy, pursue your dreams with everything you've got.

Joan:Now, let's talk about legalizing murder.

Andy:Dude, I've been looking through your Instagram followers. I found two really cute girls you should ask out.

Tom:Oh yeah? Who?

Andy:Your cousin Madison and your aunt Jennifer.

Tom:Andy, those are my family members.

Andy:I know, but they're really hot.

Andy:So Tom, I was looking at your Instagram and I noticed it's just pictures of your family. Don't you have any friends?

Tom:I have friends.

Andy:On Instagram?

Tom:...No.

Leslie:Ron, you absolute snook! You snookered us out of that vote!

Leslie:You're a snook-faced snook with snookish intentions!

Leslie:This is the snookiest snookery I've ever seen from a snook!

Ron:Knope, 'snook' isn't even a word.

Leslie:Well it is NOW, Ron. You snook that word into existence!

Leslie:Okay, what about a snook where you do it, but backwards? So it's a koons.

Leslie:Or a snook where you're underwater. That's a snorkel.

Leslie:A snook in space would be a... sn-ooooook.

Tammy II:Did it work? Did you vote for me?

Ron Swanson:Yes.

Tammy II:I knew my vagina could get you to do anything.

Tammy II:Did my seduction work? Did I seduce you back into my uterus?

Leslie:Trying to separate Jamm from Tammy is like trying to separate a remora fish from a shark. Except the shark is also named Tammy and she's already eaten your car and your house and your will to live.

Andy:Wow, Chicago! The Big Apple!

Tom:That's New York.

Andy:I know.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just show up at her workplace unannounced. That's crazy. You need a strategic plan. First, you case the joint. Find out her schedule, her routine, which exits she uses. Then you wait in the bushes outside her office building until she arrives.

Andy:Tom, that's insane.

Tom:Then when she least expects it, you jump out and surprise her. She'll love it. Trust me.

Lucy:You're not gonna murder me, are you?

Andy:I'm gonna be a professional kazoo player.

Tom:Andy, that's not a real job.

Andy:What do you mean? People play kazoos all the time.

Tom:Yeah, at like, children's birthday parties. Not as a career.

Andy:Well, where do you think kazoos come from? There's gotta be someone playing them professionally somewhere.

April:If the whole government thing doesn't work out, I'm going to become a professional chess player who specializes in underwater basket weaving strategies.

April:I have to quit my job.

April:I'm going to become a professional dead body for medical students to practice on. It's the only job where my natural coldness is actually an asset.

Ben:Do you remember what Joan said?

April:Yeah, she said 'I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.'

Ben:That's not what she said.

April:Well, that's what I'm going with.

Classic funeral home pun

Dan:People are dying to get in.

Jeremy:She controls what I eat. She has a list of approved foods taped to the inside of the refrigerator. If I try to eat anything that's not on the list, she physically stops me.

Jeremy:Last week I tried to have a yogurt that wasn't on the list. She chased me around the kitchen with a spatula.

Jeremy:She actually follows me to restaurants and checks the ingredients of everything I order with the manager.

Leslie:The existence of such a ridiculous status symbol

Jeremy:She makes me miserable. She belittles me constantly. She won't let me have any friends. She controls my money. She hates everything I love. She's mean to my family. She makes me sleep in the garage.

Jeremy:And yet... this feels right.

Physical manifestation of his stress getting worse

Leslie:Ron, you haven't seen Monsters, Inc.? How is that even possible? It's a Pixar masterpiece! Mike Wazowski? Boo? The door factory? These are cultural touchstones! You can't just live in a cabin and ignore the entire canon of modern animation. What else haven't you seen? Have you seen Toy Story? Finding Nemo? Do you even know who Elmo is? Because I'm starting to think you've been living under a rock, and not even a cool, artisanal rock that you sourced yourself. This is a problem, Ron. A real problem.

Ron Swanson:I have a gold bar.

Jeremy Jamm:Wait, why is it shaped like a bar?

Ron:Tammy is not a woman you can treat like a normal person. She's a war criminal. She should be tried at The Hague.

Ron Swanson:Jeremy, I don't want to hear about your sex life.

Jeremy Jamm:Ron, you're just jealous because Tammy and I have a very active sex life.

Ron Swanson:Active? Jeremy, I've seen more action at a DMV on a Sunday.

Jeremy Jamm:That's not true! Tammy says I'm very...

Ron Swanson:Tammy says a lot of things. None of them are about you.

April:You know what? Every job is just a way to avoid dealing with your actual problems. Mortician, astronaut, professional cuddler—doesn't matter. We're all just running from something.

April:You know what? Every job is just paperwork. Even being a mortician is just paperwork. You're literally just filing dead people.

Leslie:Hi, I'm Tammy. I hate everything about you. Your face makes me want to commit a crime. Also, I'm going to steal your lunch and your dignity.

Jeremy:That's... that's not helping.

Leslie:Oh, you think this is bad? Wait until she makes you sit in silence while she eats an entire rotisserie chicken and stares at you with dead eyes.

Ron:She's been living in my attic for three weeks. She eats the insects that accumulate near the light fixture. She's made a nest out of my old tax documents and she only comes down at night to sharpen her nails on the wooden banister.

Tom:You know what? I'm going to Boston. That's right, I'm going to Boston. Because that's what Chicago is — it's just Boston with worse accent and better food.

Tom:Lucy, I've been wanting to talk to you about something... something special.

Tom:How would you like to come work for me at Entertainment 720?

Jeremy:Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.

Tammy:That's 'cause you're my widdle baby!

Tammy:Jeremy, come on. Remember what we had? I miss you.

Jeremy:Tammy, we're done. It's over.

Tammy:I'll do anything. Anything you want. I'll quit my job, move to your apartment, cook every meal...

Jeremy:That doesn't sound better, that sounds worse.

Tammy:Fine. I'll pay YOU. I'll give you money. Every week. How much do you want?

Jeremy:No, Tammy—

Tammy:A car! I'll buy you a car! A nice one! A BMW!

Jeremy:I don't want your car.

Tammy:Then I'll commit a crime. I'll rob a bank. We'll go to jail together. At least we'd be together.

Jeremy:Please stop talking.

Ron:That's the power of willpower. No device necessary.

Donna:Saturn's Return is a real astrological event that happens every 29.5 years. It affects your life in profound ways.

Donna:When I went through mine, I made some decisions I'm not proud of. Let's just say there's a reason I can never go back to Estonia.

Ben:April is my friend.

April:No, I'm not.

April:I'm not your friend. I don't care about you.

Ben:I know you do.

April:No, I don't. Stop saying that.

Jeremy:Although, if I had to pick one side, it would be Lucy Liu's backside.

Andy:Five-second rule! Five-second rule!

Andy:This is still good. This is still good!