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Leslie:Terry, we don't have time for this. You're getting the first cake. I'm going to go get my checkbook.

Leslie:You owe me $47.

Leslie:Wait, you actually liked that vanilla cake with lemon cream? That was a test cake to eliminate people with bad taste.

Donna:I like it too.

Tom:I'm the best maid of honor.

Tom:I have a huge surprise for everyone.

Tom:LeBron James is going back to Miami!

Tom:Every year, without fail, it happens.

Donna:Treat yo' self.

Tom:Treat yo' self.

Terry:What's happening? What is going on?

Tom:Treat yo' self!

Terry:No, seriously, what's happening right now?

Donna:Treat yo' self!

Terry:Can someone please just tell me what is going on?!

Leslie:Treat yo' self!

Terry:WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

April:Treat yo' self.

Terry:I hate all of you!

Gryzzl Executive:We would never invade anyone's privacy.

Gryzzl Executive:Well, I checked 47,000 private emails this morning, but that's just routine.

Gryzzl Representative:We'd like to make it up to you with a free concert! We've arranged special seating based on our extensive data about you.

Ben:Wait, what kind of seating arrangement?

Gryzzl Representative:Well, we know you like to sit alone, so we've placed you in an isolated section. We know Leslie prefers to be near the front and center of attention, so she's up there. And Roscoe, we've seated you next to people who share your exact browsing history.

Roscoe:How is that possible? That's incredibly invasive!

Gryzzl Representative:We know everything about you. Everything.

Andy:I've got it! We use multiple blimps!

Leslie:Andy, why would we need multiple blimps?

Andy:I don't know, but it sounds awesome!

Andy:What about blimps?

Leslie:Andy, we've talked about this. Multiple times. Blimps are not a viable transportation solution for our parks department.

Andy:But they're so cool.

Leslie:I know you think they're cool. That's the problem. That's always the problem.

Agent Walker:I need to give you my standard disclaimer. Everything you tell me is classified information. You cannot share it with anyone, not your family, not your friends, not even your therapist.

Leslie:Even my therapist? That seems like a lot.

Agent Walker:Especially your therapist. They're a person.

Leslie:Yes, I'm aware of what a therapist is.

Agent Walker:Then you understand the risk.

Leslie:Ron and I are like Justin Timberlake and Chris Kirkpatrick from NSYNC.

Ron:You mean the band NSYNC?

Leslie:No, I said Justin Timberlake and Chris Kirkpatrick.

Leslie:Okay, Ron, we're going to do a synchronized dance to show how in-sync we are as a department.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Come on, it'll be fun! Just follow my lead.

Ron:I would rather sit through a city council meeting where they discuss parking regulations for three hours.

Leslie:That's your favorite thing!

Ron:Exactly.

Newport Trust Representative:The sale price is $47 million.

Ron Swanson:I need to go take a cold shower.

April:I need you to sign these checks so that if you die, I'll still get paid.

Ron:That's... actually a very practical concern.

Tom:Oh, it's great. I'm sleeping on a futon in the back of my office at Entertainment 720, I'm eating nothing but protein bars and sadness, and I've started a journal where I write angry letters to my ex that I'll never send. So yeah, living the dream.

Tom:April, I wanted to ask you something. Would you maybe want to come to my wedding? As a guest? With a plus-one if you want?

April:Tom, that's sweet, but I'm probably going to be pretty busy that day.

Tom:Oh, okay, I understand. Well, actually, we could really use some help with parking and setup, so maybe you could come as staff?

April:Yeah, sure, I can do that.

April:Wow, Tom. You've made paperwork sound so fun. I can't believe I haven't been doing it at every social event for years.

Tom:Just text me about the wedding decision, okay?

April:I don't care about weddings. They're boring and pointless.

Tom:So you won't text me?

April:No, I'll text you. But only because I have nothing better to do.

Tom:Treat Yo' Self is about doing whatever makes you happy. For some people it's eating cupcakes, for other people it's going to the spa, but the common thread is things. We both love things.

Tom:Okay, so we've been perfecting this tradition for years, right?

Donna:The best tradition.

Tom:And we've decided to take it to the next level. We're doing Treat Yo'self... at the mall.

Donna:The ultimate consumer destination.

Leslie:I just want something small and simple. Nothing fancy. Just a little 500-person gala with live music, a seven-course meal, and appearances by every celebrity who has ever lived.

Leslie:I can't believe we lost the land. This is the worst thing that's ever happened.

April:You could always put a curse on them.

Leslie:April, I can't curse people.

April:Not with that attitude.

Leslie:There's too much kale in Pawnee. It's everywhere. And now someone's put kale in my milkshake. A milkshake! That's a violation of milkshake sanctity!

Ron:JJ, I know this is hard. But you have to understand, this is your fault.

Ron:You didn't work hard enough. You didn't manage your money well enough. And frankly, your food was mediocre at best.

Ron:But the good news is, now you can start over. And this time, you'll fail faster.

Leslie:So who's your landlord?

JJ:His name is Earl Snoodle.

Leslie:Earl Snoodle? That sounds like a villain from a made-up movie.

Leslie:April, what's the best way to reach young people? You know, use whatever communication method young people use these days.

April:Snapchat.

Andy:Still convinced everything involves blimps

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. A blimp? That's not gonna work.

Andy:I need to switch to my serious character. Bud Stubbins.

Andy:Bud Stubbins doesn't do blimps. Bud Stubbins does real police work.

Ron:Breakfast food is the foundation of civilization. Waffles, eggs, bacon — these aren't just meals, they're statements of purpose. A man who fights to save a diner is a man fighting for the soul of this community. I'm in.

Leslie:We nailed it!

Ron:We did not nail it.

Leslie:But we were so close! I could feel the synergy.

Leslie:Okay, fine. I didn't build it myself. But I'm going to tell people I did.

JJ:Why would you do that?

Leslie:Because the truth is boring. 'A bunch of people worked together on a project.' Where's the narrative? Where's the hero's journey? I'm creating a better story.

Ron Swanson:I've been asked to come here today to inspire you, but I have to be honest with you. You all disgust me. You're weak, you're soft, and you're everything that's wrong with this country.

Ron:And if you see me out in public, do not approach me. I will not acknowledge you. In fact, I'm going to take steps to avoid you. I'm installing a small periscope in my car so I can see over obstacles without being seen myself.

Receptionist:I don't have a Jonathan Karate in the appointment book.

Andy:Perfect. My secret identity is working.

Andy:Including this decidedly unserious bodily function

Dennis:I need to make this meeting quick. I have to go end my father's life support.

Dennis:I'm gonna turn that place into an elbow art salon and make a killing.

Dennis:Yeah, it's probably not a good idea to wear this cologne around children. It'll make their eyes water and burn their skin.

Dennis:But that's what makes it so good!

Tour Guide:And over here on the left, you can see where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie live together.

Tom:I want you to bedazzle my elbow. But I'm talking full coverage — I want rhinestones so big and so bright that when I'm at a club, people think my elbow is a disco ball. I want my elbow to be more sparkly than a vampire in sunlight. I'm talking about a level of bling that makes Mr. T look like a minimalist.

Salon Worker:We offer eye surgery combined with a manicure. It's called a 'Nail-LASIK.' We remove cataracts while filing your cuticles.

Dennis:Of course you can stay. I'd be happy to help out an old friend.

Dennis:Just kidding. No you can't. Get out.

Dennis:you can all just sit there pulling on your puds

Dennis:You want a villain? I'll give you a villain!

Dennis:I am the villain of this story, and I embrace it fully!

Dennis:Release the Hounds!

Dennis:It's actually a terrible cologne, not actual dogs.

Dennis:I'm gonna go now.

Dennis:But remember what I said about the life support machine.

Tom:Wait, why does it smell worse?

Leslie:Oh no. Water intensifies it.

April:Of course it does.

Ron:We're trapped.

Tom:This is Bogdanovich!

Tom:Donna, this is incredible. Did you get this from that guy who makes up movie sequels? Because I'm pretty sure I saw 'Die Hard 5: Die Hardest' advertised at the mall.

Donna:Listen, you want relationship advice? It's simple. Treat yo' self.

Donna:But that's for material things. For emotional stuff, you gotta treat the other person. Treat them with respect, honesty, and communication.

Donna:Actually, you know what? Treat yo' self anyway. You'll need it after all those conversations.

Tom:Oh my God, is that Josh Groban? Josh Groban is eating the branzino!

Tom:I caught that fish. That beautiful fish came from my restaurant, and now Josh Groban is eating it. This is the best day of my life.

Leslie:You know what? Beachview Terrace should really be called Mold Spore Inhalation Pavilion, because that's what you get when you live there.

Real Estate Agent:And here we have the master bedroom with its original 1970s wood paneling and a charming water stain that really adds character to the ceiling. The windows are sealed shut to preserve the authentic drafty feel, and that mysterious smell? That's just the bones of the house settling. In the kitchen, you'll notice the appliances are all avocado green—very retro, very in right now. The refrigerator hasn't worked since 2003, but it's a wonderful conversation starter. And this electrical outlet here sparks occasionally, which means the wiring is really alive and doing its job. The bathroom features a toilet that runs constantly—it's like having a personal water fountain! Plus, the mold in the corner gives the tiles a lovely tie-dye effect. The basement floods every spring, but that just means you have a built-in swimming pool. And finally, the foundation has some significant cracks, but they add structural character. So, shall we talk about putting in an offer?

Andy:What? I came up through the hole in the floor. Where did you guys think I came from?

Craig:I'm in charge now. First order of business: we're eliminating all the vegetables from the menu.

Craig:Second order of business: deep frying everything that's left.

Craig:Third order of business: we're calling it 'Sweetums Lite.'

Craig:I was a boss for 30 seconds. In that time, I fired three people, made two questionable decisions, and one person cried. It was the best 30 seconds of my life.

Gryzzl Executive:We're treating the existing graffiti as equivalent to famous artist's work.

Roscoe:Look, I invested in this forest land because I saw the potential to make hella skrilla. This deal is trill, and I'm about to be rolling in that green.

Andy:We should donate the land to the city. It's the right thing to do. I mean, think about it—we'd be using our brainium!

Gryzzl Executive:I'd love to help, but I need to consult with my board first.

Gryzzl Executive:They're at Coachella right now on a lot of molly.

Gryzzl Executive:I can upload directly to my smart glasses.

Gryzzl Executive:Which is great because I was watching pornography during the meeting.

Ron Swanson:He came to us like a loon in a three-piece suit. We didn't ask for him. We didn't want him. But he was ours.

Ron Swanson:And when he left, he took a piece of us with him. Specifically, my good stapler and about forty dollars from petty cash.

Andy:Wait, where are my ninjas? I had like... I'm pretty sure I had ninjas.

Andy:How is that possible? We have a whole system in place to keep track of them.

Andy:Oh, I see the problem. The system doesn't work.

Leslie:Wait, you knew? You knew the whole time and you didn't tell me?

Ron:I wanted to see how long you could go without telling everyone.

Leslie:Ron! That's not funny! I've been stressed out of my mind!

Ron:It was a little funny.

Leslie:Ron, I'm going to hug you now.

Ron:Leslie, no. I don't want—

Leslie:Too late!

Ron:Get off me. I'm serious. This is inappropriate.

Leslie:You love this and you know it.

Ron:I absolutely do not.