S07E09

This is the Lady Gaga of scavenger hunts. A complete work of genius wrapped up in a disorienting mix of confusing cultural red herrings.

Ron immediately solves the puzzle with complex cryptex and columnar transposition explanation while Ben stands shocked

Keep it. And don't feel bad. It's my curse.

Ooh, shop talk. One of my five favorite types of talk, along with pillow, girl, real, and TED.

Oh, because every surface area in your house is sticky. Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

I love watching those squashes fly through the air. I kind of like the way they land. Me, too.

I already made my pump up mix. There's a surprising amount of Pat Benatar.

I was talking to Leslie. Me, Leslie? Yeah.

If you were just a ding-dong, I would just slap a flag pin on you, and pour some Valium down your throat. Everything would be fine. It's the smarties that freak people out.

You know, why don't you think of it like sex freshman year of college? You just want to get through it as fast as possible without embarrassing yourself.

I'm using that as an analogy to help you out because I'm assuming you were a late bloomer. Not me. I crushed it from day one.

Stephen, be careful! Poncho!

Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging. But you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.

If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house. The one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant, for emergencies.

Last contest's loser was all women.

Last contest's loser was all women.

Leslie, you made it pretty clear that you don't think homemaking is important. Do you ever cook for your children? And who's even watching your children right now while you're out God only knows where?

Mike Patterson's aggressive questioning about Leslie's parenting and whereabouts

What are you talking about? I'm standing right here in front of you.

Okay, take it easy. Let's not get emotional.

What other traditions are you against, Leslie? Baseball? Hugging your children? How much did that haircut cost? None of your business. And thank you for noticing.

Hey! Yeah. No. No key. Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.

If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April.

All we gotta do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key. Okay. All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key and I'll get you that key.

Mike, we all know what Ben Wyatt's wife is really saying. By skipping the Pie Mary, she's saying, 'Women who love their families are stupid.'

Oh, I'm just speculating here, but do you think that Leslie Knope's actions indicate that she actually hates her family?

Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right.

I can promote my self-published women's rights barbecue cookbook The Feminine Mesquite.

Except you're gonna need to get a new calculator 'cause I crushed this one in a blind rage while I was watching the show.

I found this one, but it has a falcon on the top. I'll keep looking. No, that's it! That's it, Andy! Eagle, falcon, whatever. Not whatever. Eagles are more robust, have stronger talents. Didn't go to Bird School much?

I know. And I fished it out, so I can put it on my voodoo doll.

We could easily go that route. Initiate Ghost Protocol. We switch faces, we burn our fingertips off with acid, we live in the tunnels beneath the Kremlin. We could do that easily.

Garry, I take everything back. I hate you.

These appear to be human teeth. And what is this? New Moon? It's a movie, but I've never seen it. It's, like, about lame werewolves and vampires and stuff.

Dollars to donuts this points us her way. Finally, a scavenger hunt worthy of my time.

Okay, snacks given, kids tucked in, books read, three simultaneous meltdowns for no reason, kids tucked back in, one of them briefly got outside somehow, kids back in bed, they're all napping.

I even got an extra whipped cream can, one for baking, one for directly into mouth. You know me so well.

Hope you like pies... In your face. Metaphorically. We'll be civil.

Babe, the oven's ready. Chop-chop, time to get bakin'. Daddy want pie.

You kept yelling 'Team Voldemort!' At the screen and we were kicked out. I was furious. You only get to see the second Twilight film for the seventh time once.

Oh! Babe. You had a crush on me. That's embarrassing. We're married. Still.

Garry drops everything down the sewer grate one by one - wedding ring, keys, phone

Damn, this takes me back. Mind if I stay and watch? Not at all. I appreciate the company.

Okay, picture this... Crust on the bottom. Filling. Crust on top. What am I describing? A pie. No. But you're in the right 'zone.'

Pies are just sweet calzones, honey. And I'm good at making calzones.

Talking 'bout the highway to the calzone zone

And she says, 'Hey, Mr. Forgetful.' I mean, those words... They rattle around here for hours.

Do what, exactly? Nothing. We're not doing anything. And we definitely do not live down here now.

I've been there. That's a real tightrope walk.

We're dreaming together, We're sleeping together, But not like that

So we're looking for a racist ghost with black hair who likes shoeshines.

We are very different people.

Mema was no Leslie Knope. She didn't have a PhD, but she sure knew a lot about P-l-E.

Now, pack your suitcases, because we're going to a little town Called Napoli... In Italy.

Men have had a very rough go of it, for... Just recently.

We can all agree that no one likes Leslie Knope.

Um. Fierce alert. Eat 'em up, honey.

What a surprise. The woman is only talking to other women. Can we have one conversation about feminism where men get to be in charge?

I, Brandi Maxxxx, star of 69 Jump Street and Fifty Shaved Old Gays, have your back.

Because June Hartwell is a lukewarm bowl of nothing. She started an awareness campaign called 'Bring a Sweater.' She calls it 'goose bump prevention.'

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant.

It's like taking a shot of tequila. You just gotta force it down, suddenly the world feels so much more pleasant. I do three shots every time I have to enter this house.

I just wanted to remember the good old days, when a shoeshine was two bits, and there were no Mexicans in the music business.

Hi Andy, I hate people, but you are okay. It's weird. Woof, woof. April.

Get off my boat!

I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak.

I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong.

Second, the Male Men... Where are you? Ah. You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing.

It's a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don't ask it.

And then, you know, sometimes I don't.

By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now? My mom, babe. Everything's fine.

Oh. Sorry. I just got here. I had a broken bike chain. My bad.

I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you.

Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong. And quiet. And always here when you need it. Or whatever.

Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I have since moved it. Or have I? Or was I lying the whole time? Or was I lying about lying? Or was there never any gold to begin with? Or...

Congratulations, Ben Wyatt, you are this year's IOW Woman of the Year. Son of a bitch.