Who Shot Mr Burns 2

Homer:D'oh!

Barney:Ugh... what happened last night? My mouth tastes like a bartender's shoe.

Barney:Why is there a traffic cone in my bed? And why do I feel like I've been used as a speed bump?

Mr. Burns:Where am I? Who shot me?

Smithers:Sir, you've been in a coma for three weeks.

Mr. Burns:A coma? Nonsense! I was just cruising down Sunset Boulevard in my hot-rod, solving crimes with my partner.

Smithers:Sir, that was a dream.

Mr. Burns:A dream? But it seemed so real! The bell-bottoms, the groovy music, my .44 magnum...

TV Announcer:The period-appropriate TV show title card with 'in color' emphasis

Barney:Wait, that was all just a dream? But... maybe my alcoholism was just a dream too!

Barney:*wakes up with a bottle in hand* Nope. Still got it.

Kent Brockman:This just in: Mr. Burns has been upgraded from dead to alive.

Chief Wiggum:All right, witnesses, I'm gonna need statements from all of you.

Baby:Goo goo ga ga.

Chief Wiggum:Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then what happened?

Baby:Googoo gaga goo!

Chief Wiggum:I see. Well, that's the most useful testimony I've gotten all week.

Homer:Well, I'm just glad it wasn't me.

Grandpa Simpson:Smithers? That's a funny name. I knew a Smither once. Or was it a Smother? Anyway, he owed me five bucks.

Grandpa Simpson:Say, why don't they have those fancy toilets in the nursing home? You know, the ones that wash your behind? All we got is a hole in the ground and a stick.

Grandpa Simpson:Where's the outhouse? I gotta go!

Marge:Dad, we have three bathrooms in this house.

Grandpa Simpson:Bah! Newfangled contraptions. If the outhouse is good enough for the old country, it's good enough for me.

Marge:Well, there is no outhouse.

Grandpa Simpson:Fine, fine. I'll just use the bushes like I did at the park.

Marge:Dad! No!

Homer:Yeah, yeah, I'll tear down your machine.

Homer:But I gotta warn you, I'm already getting rickets.

Homer:Why is the machine pulling down the whole town?

Barney:I think we set the coordinates wrong!

Homer:Wrong?! Barney, we were supposed to demolish Springfield Elementary!

Barney:Oops. We accidentally destroyed the wrong town entirely.

Homer:D'oh!

Homer:Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Priest:My son, you're not even Catholic.

Homer:I marched in a St. Patrick's Day parade once!

Homer:Reverend, I have a terrible confession. I shot Mr. Burns.

Reverend Lovejoy:Mmm-hmm. Well, that's a sin all right. Say, is this thing on? I want to make sure I'm getting all of this.

Smithers:Sir, the public is quite upset about your latest decision. There could be protests, perhaps even a boycott.

Mr. Burns:Smithers, I don't give a damn what the public thinks. Let them protest. Besides, a boycott? Ha! They'll be back. They always come back.

Mr. Burns:And if they don't? Well, that's their loss. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some kittens to kick and orphans to ignore.

Random Criminal:Yeah, Dr. Colossus would've handled that better.

Smithers:I'm devastated. It's like Madonna missing a military scandal.

Kent Brockman:That doesn't make any sense.

Kent Brockman:That joke was stolen from me!

Dave Shutton:Well, I stole it from a TV show.

Kent Brockman:What?! Which TV show?

Dave Shutton:I don't know, some show I watched.

Kent Brockman:Well... I stole it from that same show!

Kent Brockman:Look, I'm a news anchor, not a lawyer. Besides, jokes are like the wind—they belong to everyone.

Kent Brockman:If someone wrote it down, that's their problem for not keeping it a secret.

Chief Wiggum:Oops, I released the wrong prisoner. Where's Dr. Colossus?

Officer:He's back in his lair, sir.

Chief Wiggum:Well, at least he left his evil plans on the desk.

Grandpa Simpson:Hey! Walk slower! You're making a mess of the sidewalk!

Lou:Yeah, nobody cares if you shoot an old guy. It ain't news.

Jasper:Well, I'm not one to brag, but this here's a fine piece of craftsmanship. Real quality wood, aged to perfection. Why, I'd say this leg is in its prime!

Jasper:Yessir, she's got real good grain, smooth finish. Don't see workmanship like this anymore. This leg'll last me a lifetime!

Smithers:I'm terribly sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to shoot your wooden leg off.

Jasper:You shot me wooden leg off?

Smithers:Yes, I'm dreadfully sorry.

Jasper:Well, that's the best thing that ever happened to me! Now I can get a nice new prosthetic leg!

Marge:It's never the most likely suspect.

Lisa:Actually, in detective fiction, the culprit is almost always the most likely suspect. It's just that the detective is usually too stupid to notice the obvious clues right in front of them.

Homer:I didn't try to kill you for money! I did it because you stole my lunchmeal and you didn't say thank you!

Mr. Burns:Who the devil are you?

Homer:I'm Homer Simpson!

Grandpa Simpson:You never know what you're capable of until you try.

Grandpa Simpson:Why, just last week I shot down a plane over Springfield.

Lisa:Mom, I want to help solve the mystery!

Marge:That's nice, dear, but first we need to figure out who ate all the leftovers from the fridge.

Marge:Who wants ice cream?

Bart:Me!

Lisa:Me!

Marge:I have chocolate or vanilla.

Bart:Chocolate!

Marge:Oh, well... that's the mud from the freezer.

Chief Wiggum:Now, what was the suspect's mow-TEE-vay?

Chief Wiggum:Well, there's your problem. You gotta wash your hands first.

Chief Wiggum:Alright boys, we're going to question Tito Puente. And remember, we do this by the book.

Chief Wiggum:We'll burst through that door, guns blazing, maybe flip over a table or two. Real action movie stuff.

Chief Wiggum:We got a report you were planning revenge, Tito.

Tito Puente:Revenge? No, no, no. I'm going to get my revenge the only way I know how — with music!

Chief Wiggum:With music?

Tito Puente:That's right. I'm going to play the loudest, most obnoxious mambo music right outside his house all night long!

Tito Puente:The mambo continuing... you pathetic, putrid, pestilent punk!

Principal Skinner:Well, I was planning an ambush at the old quarry. You know, nothing serious—just a little tactical exercise.

Principal Skinner:Ah yes, with this camouflage makeup, I'll be invisible to the enemy.

Principal Skinner:Wait... why do I look like I'm going to a dinner party? And why do I smell like lavender?

Agnes Skinner:Seymour! That's my Chanel No. 5!

Principal Skinner:Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for me.

Principal Skinner:Well, he can vouch for me as long as you don't ask him about the, uh, 'Steamed Hams' incident.

Groundskeeper Willie:The arthritis came from playing a video game

Moe:I got a hot date tonight.

Barney:With who?

Moe:Well, I'm gonna take a look at the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Barney:That's not a date, Moe.

Moe:Well, I meant the Sears catalog.

Grandpa Simpson:I'm not senile! I know exactly what I've been accused of. There was the time I stole a car, and the time I tried to marry that woman for her money, and the time I accidentally set the nursing home on fire, and the time I sold my stories to the tabloids, and the time I exposed myself at the town square, and that incident with the donkey that we don't talk about!

Chief Wiggum:I need coffee for this all-night investigation, but the pot's empty!

Chief Wiggum:Wait, I got an idea. I'll just drink this warm cream instead.

Chief Wiggum:It's basically the same thing, right?

Lou:Hey, Chief! Maybe we should check Mr. Burns's suit for clues.

Chief Wiggum:That's a great idea, Lou. You know, this whole thing reminds me of that show Twin Peaks. We're gonna need some damn fine coffee and a red curtain to solve this case.

Lab Technician:The results will be ready in 8 to 10 weeks.

Lab Technician:Oh wait, I'm sorry. Seconds.

Lab Technician:We have everyone's DNA on file now.

Homer Simpson:DNA? On file? But I've never given a sample!

Lab Technician:We collected it from the pennies you've handled.

Homer Simpson:Pennies?! This is a conspiracy! The government is tracking us through loose change!

Marge Simpson:Homer, that's ridiculous.

Homer Simpson:Wake up, sheeple! They're in our wallets!

Chief Wiggum:We've got a bingo!

Chief Wiggum:We'll just take the roof off.

Officer Eddie:But Chief, that'll damage the wagon.

Chief Wiggum:We can fix it later. I want a donut now.

Dr. Hibbert:Good morning, Mr. Burns! How are you feeling today?

Mr. Burns:Eh? Homer? Homer Simpson? Who is this Homer Simpson you speak of?

Lisa:You don't have Simpson DNA, Mom. You were born a Bouvier.

Marge:But I've been married to your father for years. Shouldn't I have absorbed some of his DNA by now?

Marge:We need to stick together as a family during this crisis.

Grandpa Simpson:You're right. We're Simpsons. We don't abandon our own.

Homer:That's right, Dad. We're a team.

Grandpa Simpson:Homer, you're an idiot and I'm siding with Flanders.

Crowd Member 1:Fifty thousand dollars?!

Crowd Member 2:I'm gonna catch Homer Simpson!

Crowd Member 3:No, I'm gonna catch him!

Crowd:Me! Me! Me!

Chief Wiggum:We need to bring in Homer Simpson. There's a bounty on his head.

Chief Wiggum:Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Chief, what if we just shoot him and collect the bounty?' Well, I've got news for you. We need at least 51% of the body to make a valid claim.

Lisa:Dad may have his faults, but he's not a violent person.

Homer:Why, I oughta—

Lisa:See? He wouldn't hurt a fly.

Homer:I'm not a murderer! I'll kill you to prove it!

Mr. Burns:Homer couldn't have shot me. I'm far too rich and powerful. Besides, look at him — he's a primitive species. We must study him scientifically, like a lab rat.

Mr. Burns:Who shot me? Was it Smithers? Moe? That Simpson fellow?

Chief Wiggum:Well sir, after weeks of investigation, we've determined the shooter was...

Chief Wiggum:...Maggie Simpson.

Mr. Burns:A baby? Bah!

Mr. Burns:Ah, freedom at last! With Smithers gone, I can finally indulge in my crapulence without judgment.

Smithers:Sir, I'm still here.

Mr. Burns:Well then, I suppose I must continue hiding my crapulence. Smithers, fetch me another brandy.

Mr. Burns:Now, now, little one. Just hand over the candy and no one gets hurt.

Maggie:*sucks pacifier defiantly*

Mr. Burns:Why you little! Smithers, grab her!

Smithers:I'm trying, sir, but she has a surprisingly strong grip!

Mr. Burns:Bah! How hard can it be to take candy from a baby?

Maggie:*bonks Mr. Burns with candy*

Mr. Burns:Ow! The indignity!

Mr. Burns:They're after my fillings! Those quacks will stop at nothing to get their hands on my gold!

Smithers:Sir, the dentist is just trying to help.

Mr. Burns:That's what they want you to think, Smithers. It's a conspiracy! All of them — doctors, dentists, the lot! Stealing from their patients while they sleep!

Chief Wiggum:Well, we can't arrest a baby... except in Texas.