After leaving Barbados, Joey and Ross both attempt to come clean to each other that they're dating Rachel and Charlie, however, various obstacles constantly get in their way. Meanwhile, Monica gets a new haircut much to Chandler's dismay and Phoebe finds out that Mike has another girlfriend.
Season finale hangover: 64.6 score, lowest JPM of the season's opening stretch.
Directed by Kevin S. Bright · Written by Andrew Reich, Ted Cohen
WAR
13.8
Wins Above Replacement
“The One After Joey And Rachel Kiss” ranks #217 of 236 Friends episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 64.6 — Weak. The episode packs 69 scored jokes at 2.7 per minute, averaging 6.3 on craft and 6.1 on impact, with Monica landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Monica: I'm worried about Ross. He's been alone for so long, he's probably talking to himself.
Ross: I'm not talking to myself. I'm having a very intelligent conversation with my biceps.
Monica Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Monica: What if I put a pillowcase over your head?
Chandler: Oh, okay!
Monica: We're leaving with who we came with.
Chandler: Well, you didn't come with that hair.
Chandler: What happened? Did Weird Al Yankovic have a yard sale?
Charlie: Oh, Dr. Geller!
Ross: Yes! Yes, that's right, I am a doctor.
Monica: I can't believe you would do that! You're inconsiderate, you're thoughtless, you're a terrible person!
Monica: You're selfish, you're a jerk, you're an idiot!
Monica: You're a moron, you're a fool, you're a complete and utter... Giant!
All Jokes — 69 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Monica: Oh my God, you just dominated that game!
Chandler: It's just ping-pong, Mon.
Monica: I don't care. That was so hot. You know what? Lose the shirt.
Monica: What if I put a pillowcase over your head?
Chandler: Oh, okay!
Phoebe: He's just showering! It's legal!
Sudden loud thud interrupts conversation
Ross Physical/Slapstick Visual Gag Monica: I'm worried about Ross. He's been alone for so long, he's probably talking to himself.
Ross: I'm not talking to myself. I'm having a very intelligent conversation with my biceps.
Monica Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Charlie: Oh, Dr. Geller!
Ross: Yes! Yes, that's right, I am a doctor.
Monica: I can't believe you would do that! You're inconsiderate, you're thoughtless, you're a terrible person!
Monica: You're selfish, you're a jerk, you're an idiot!
Monica: You're a moron, you're a fool, you're a complete and utter... Giant!
Chandler: I can't believe you guys are eavesdropping on Monica and Rachel. That's a huge violation of privacy.
Chandler: We should be ashamed of ourselves. We need to stop this right now.
Chandler: Although, if we're going to keep doing it, we're going to need better equipment. Do they make bionic ears?
Monica: I'm not going to eavesdrop. I respect people's privacy.
Monica: Wait, what did you just say about me?
Joey: Wow, Rachel, that was... I mean, how do you do that?
Rachel: Do what?
Joey: That thing! That incredible thing with your mouth!
Rachel: I was just... being myself.
Monica: You know what? I take back everything I said about these walls being too thin.
Chandler: Why? What changed?
Monica: Well, now I can hear Rachel and Ross through them, and let me tell you, it's the best entertainment I've had all week.
Joey: Yeah, well at least she's not dating... wait, I do that.
Monica: Wait, nobody's listening to the other wall?
Chandler: I'm on it. *puts on headphones and sits at attention* Radio check. This is Bing, I'm in position. Over.
Monica: Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Monica: That's Ross!
Monica: We're leaving with who we came with.
Chandler: Well, you didn't come with that hair.
Chandler: What happened? Did Weird Al Yankovic have a yard sale?
Monica: That's it! I'm done with the hair jokes. No more!
Chandler: So... does this mean you're not going to let your hair down?
Monica: Oh my God, oh my God! Do you hear that? That's coming from upstairs!
Monica: It's like... it's like free pornography!
Ross: I'm not sure about this bed. Did you see that report on the news about how hotel mattresses are never actually cleaned?
Chandler: Yeah, and did you see the report about how you're never actually going to get laid on it either?
Ross: I need to calm down sexually.
Chandler: Think about your grandmother.
Ross: I AM thinking about my grandmother!
Chandler: Wait, wait, wait. I'm hearing something... yes, I'm definitely hearing something. It sounds like... Monica and Rachel arguing about who ate the last of the cheesecake.
Phoebe: You know, Chandler, just because you can hear something doesn't mean you should listen to it. There's a difference between hearing and eavesdropping.
Monica: I'm saying goodbye to the hotel.
Monica: I love you! I'll never forget you! You've been so good to me! Remember when we had that thing? I do! I'll always remember!
Monica: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Chandler, you take the kitchen. Rachel, you're on the living room. Phoebe, I need you by the hallway.
Monica: Joey, you keep an eye on the bedroom door. And remember — if anyone moves, you signal me immediately.
Monica: We've got a three-minute window before they realize we're gone. Let's move people!
Joey: What? I'm being totally nonchalant about it.
Rachel: Joey, you don't even know what nonchalant means, do you?
Joey: Yes, I do! It's... it's like when you're chal... and you're non about it.
Rachel: Hide under the bed!
Joey: Why? So I can see what's under there? Because I've seen it, and it's not pretty.
Phoebe: Shh! I'm listening to Monica and Chandler through the wall.
Chandler: Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe: It's called the scientific method. First, I form a hypothesis. Then I gather data. Then I listen very, very carefully to see if Monica's laughing at your jokes.
Chandler: And what's your hypothesis?
Phoebe: That you're not as funny as you think you are.
Ross: How angry is Joey going to be?
Rachel: Oh, he's going to be really angry.
Joey: I'M NOT ANGRY!
Rachel: Really angry. Really, really angry.
Rachel: We're on a break!
Ross: A break? Rachel, we broke up!
Rachel: We were just taking some time apart!
Monica: You know what this reminds me of? When we were kids and Ross would get upset and say he was 'never talking to us again' but then he'd come down for dinner in like twenty minutes.
Ross: That is completely different!
Chandler: Is it? Because you're both being pretty dramatic about it.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey! You're overthinking this. Rachel, you got a great guy. Just enjoy it. Why do you gotta make everything so complicated?
Rachel: Because it's the right thing to do, Joey. I have to consider—
Joey: Consider what? That you like him? Done. Next.
Monica: We need to talk to you about something important.
Rachel: Yeah, we're really concerned about you.
Phoebe: You need to stop mumbling when you talk.
Joey: Six years? That's like... 42 in dog years.
Joey Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Ross: I was thinking about the Thanksgiving episode of 'Cheers' where Diane and Sam almost got together, and then I realized I'm basically Diane in this scenario, which is weird because I'm a paleontologist, not a bartender, but Sam was also kind of a paleontologist of feelings, you know?
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Ross: Nothing, nothing. Keep kissing.
Joey: I'm taking this Bible with me.
Chandler: Joey, you can't take the Bible from a hotel room.
Joey: Why not? It's not like they're gonna read it.
Chandler: It's there for guests who want to use it.
Joey: Well, I want to use it. I'm gonna read it. I'm gonna learn things.
Charlie: Dr. Geller, I've been thinking about your research...
Ross: Please, call me Dr. Geller.
Charlie: Your doctoral thesis was fascinating.
Ross: You know, most people don't even know I have a PhD.
Charlie: Well, Dr. Geller, I find it incredibly attractive.
Ross: Oh my God, is it getting hot in here?
Monica: What do you think of my hair?
Chandler: It's... really something. I mean, you can really see it.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Monica, those beads in your hair look like little shrimp!
Monica: They do not!
Chandler: I'm serious! One more and you could open a seafood restaurant on top of your head.
Chandler: You go, girlfriend!
Monica: Did you just say 'You go, girlfriend'?
Chandler: Yeah, it sounded better in my head.
Chandler: Oh, that's great. Could that sound be any more annoying?
Joey: I can't believe they're making me sit next to my ex on this flight!
Chandler: Well, look on the bright side. At least the airline cares more about your comfort than your relationship did.
Chandler: Monica, you look like Allen Iverson.
Monica: What? I do not!
Chandler: Yeah you do. You've got the cornrows, the whole thing.
Flight Attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically descend from the compartment above your seat.
Ross: That's what she said.
Charlie: Oh, you're not good at this.
Joey: Wait, so you're telling me you've been with someone this whole time?
Charlie: Yeah, we've been together for like a year now.
Joey: A year?! And you didn't think to mention that when I was... when we were...
Charlie: I thought it was obvious.
Joey: Obvious? How is that obvious?
Charlie: It's like a package. You gotta handle it with care, wrap it up nice, maybe add a little bow...
Joey: Or you could just have sex.
Rachel: So when's the best time to approach him about this?
Joey: Well, you could catch him during his in-flight duty.
Joey: Heh, duty.
Joey: Okay, I gotta talk to Ross about something really serious.
Joey: This is gonna be tough... Wait, is anyone gonna eat that sandwich?
Ross: I did not kiss Charlie!
Monica: Really? Because I have a picture of you two.
Ross: Okay, fine! I kissed Charlie!
Ross: Joey, your character is really coming along great.
Joey: Thanks, man. I've been working really hard on it.
Ross: Yeah, it shows. You know, I'm actually considering demoting Chandler based on a single act of understanding.
Chandler: What? Why would you demote me?
Ross: Because you understood something I said, and that's completely out of character for you.
Charlie: Are you excited about our relationship?
Ross: Oh, absolutely! I mean, I've had some pretty wild fantasies about you.
Charlie: Really?
Ross: Yeah, like, I imagine us in the paleontology lab after hours, surrounded by dinosaur bones, and—
Charlie: Okay, that's... that's good to know.
Joey: I didn't tell Ross because I was excited about potentially becoming his best friend!
Joey Character Comedy Callback Phoebe: You have to do it in person. You have to look her in the eye and tell her it's over.
Mike: I know, I know. But I'm scared.
Phoebe: Of course you're scared. Breaking up with someone is hard. But you know what's harder? Being a coward. So you're gonna march yourself over there, and you're gonna end this thing like a man.
Phoebe: We also appreciate gentle spanking once in a while, just FYI.
Phoebe: Oh my God, Precious? That's such a cute name for a dog!
Mike: She's not a dog, Phoebe. She's my girlfriend.
Phoebe: I know, but she needs a home, right? I saw her at the shelter and I just fell in love!
Phoebe: And if she gets upset... just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snap.
Phoebe Character Comedy Callback Precious: Mike's ex-girlfriend, Phoebe? The love of his life? That Phoebe?
Monica: Actually humming war movie music
Monica: You said you liked my hair!
Chandler: No, I said it looked different. I didn't say it looked good.
Chandler: Yeah, well, I like your hair. Although, I gotta say, when you first came out of that bathroom, I thought you were a poodle we could take for walks.
Chandler: And Joey said, 'Hey, I know that poodle! She owes me money!'
Chandler: And Phoebe, she started chasing you around trying to give you a bath.
Monica: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Chandler: What's wrong?
Monica: These beads keep hitting me in the face!
Chandler: Well, maybe you should take them out.
Monica: I can't, I'm stuck!
Ross: So how was Emma's visit with your mother?
Mrs. Green: Oh, it was wonderful! We had a lovely time.
Ross: That's great. What did you guys do?
Mrs. Green: Well, we went to the park, got some ice cream. Oh, and I gave her one of my antidepressants to play with.
Ross: You gave her your antidepressants to play with?
Mrs. Green: Well, they're colorful!
Ross: I don't understand it. My shampoo exploded, my conditioner exploded, even my mouthwash exploded!
Rachel: Ross, you live in a submarine?
Ross: Oh no, oh no, oh no! Do you know how expensive this moisturizer is? This is a $40 jar!
Ross: This is it. This is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper and a greasy stain on my carpet.
Ross: My entire life has been leading to this moment. All my accomplishments, my degrees, my paleontology career... meaningless.
Ross: I am a failure as a human being.
Phoebe: Hi! I'm Phoebe. What's your name?
Precious: I'm Precious.
Phoebe: Oh, that's... okay, I'm just gonna call you 'Jennifer.'
Phoebe: Oh honey, you need to stop crying and get over it. Life is short. You're wasting time on someone who doesn't deserve you.
Precious: But I love him...
Phoebe: Love? Love is just a chemical reaction your brain creates to trick you into reproducing. It's not real.
Precious: That actually made it worse.
Phoebe: Well, I also may have accidentally told him you said his mother dresses like a street urchin.
Phoebe: Oh honey, don't cry. You're gonna find someone. I mean, look at me - I found Frank Jr.
Phoebe: And he's... well, he's something.
Monica: I'm stuck in here!
Chandler: What? How did you get stuck?
Monica: I was trying on clothes and I got my head caught in the towel rack.
Chandler: Your head got stuck in a towel rack?
Monica: Yes! Now stop laughing and help me!
Chandler: Monica, what happened to your hair?
Monica: I don't want to talk about it!
Chandler: Did you stick your finger in a socket?
Monica: I said I don't want to talk about it!
Joey: You just gotta tell him how you feel.
Rachel: I can't just tell him! What if he doesn't feel the same way?
Joey: So don't tell him. Just wear that little black dress, flip your hair, and cry a little.
Rachel: That's not a strategy, that's just being a girl.
Rachel: We shouldn't keep doing this.
Joey: I know, we should stop.
Rachel: This is the last time.
Joey: Definitely the last time.
Rachel: We have no willpower.
Joey: None whatsoever.
Monica: It's not just about winning the pageant, it's about finding yourself and discovering your inner beauty!
⏩ The part you fast-forward
Our scorer flagged 22:00-24:00 range with setup-heavy dramatic moments as the stretch with the fewest or weakest comedic moments. Everything else lands harder.
