The One Where Joey Moves Out

Character makes random cereal observation. Absurd detail about cartoon mascot anatomy

Chandler:Well, I've been the Captain of a cereal box for thirty years. I think I'm allowed to have one weird eyebrow.

Chandler:Could you BE any more disgusting? You just licked that and you put it back!

Joey:Okay, okay, I used your toothbrush. But in my defense, I thought it was mine.

Chandler:How could you think that was yours? It was in my bathroom!

Joey:I know, I know. Look, I'm sorry. But hey, at least I didn't use it to scrub the toilet like I did last week.

Chandler:You used my toothbrush?

Joey:Yeah, mine fell in the drain.

Chandler:Oh my God! Oh my God! Joey, that's—wait, what do you mean it fell in the drain?

Joey:I was cleaning it.

Chandler:With what?

Joey:The toilet brush.

Joey:Well, you see, with soap, you wash your whole body. With a toothbrush, it's just your teeth. So if we share soap, we're basically washing each other, which is cool. But a toothbrush? That's just gross, man.

Chandler:Well, maybe if you used the soap in the right order, you wouldn't have this problem.

Joey:The right order? It's soap, Chandler.

Chandler:Exactly. You start at the top and work your way down.

Monica:Oh my God, are you really giving Joey instructions on how to shower?

Chandler:Someone has to.

Joey:Hey, you guys look really... fancy. What's the word? Oh yeah - palindrome!

Joey:A guy in a coma is hosting brunch?

Chandler:Well, he's been in that coma for three weeks. I think he's had enough time to prepare.

Chandler:Getting a lily tattoo because my mom's name is Lily. What if my mom's name was Bertha? Would I get a Bertha tattoo? That's not a flower, that's a name for a heavy machinery part.

Ross:What's on your shoulder?

Monica:A chip.

Ross:A tattoo is like a permanent bad haircut. You're stuck with it forever, and everyone can see your poor judgment.

Monica:Oh yeah, I'm sure Dad will be thrilled. 'Hey Dad, I've been sleeping with a man older than you!' What could go wrong?

Ross:Don't worry, Mon. I'm sure Mom and Dad will be fine with the age difference. After all, they've always said they just want you to be happy... even if it means dating someone who was in high school when you were in college.

Monica:We can't just hide in here. Mom and Dad will think we're hiding something.

Ross:Monica, they're not going to notice. They once didn't realize I had a broken arm for three weeks.

Monica:That's because you didn't tell them.

Ross:I wore a cast! A cast, Monica! They thought it was a really commitment-heavy watch.

Ross:Actually, Mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us.

Monica:What?! A twinkie?!

Monica:*gags and covers mouth*

Monica:She's not that smart. I mean, she makes a paper towel look intelligent.

Mrs. Geller:She's very young, very firm... everything's where it's supposed to be.

Joey:You know what this is like? It's like being in the Rockettes!

Chandler:Could those Rockettes BE any more in our bathroom?

Joey:I've seen a lot of kitchens. I'm on TV, remember? I see kitchens all the time.

Joey:Hey, check it out! I'm in a kitchen!

Chandler:Joey, that's not a kitchen, that's a set.

Joey:Could it BE any more of a kitchen?

Chandler:Oh my God, just... stop talking.

Mr. Geller:You know, when I bought that Porsche, I thought I was going through a midlife crisis. Turns out I was just making a down payment on one.

Mr. Geller:Richard's not going through a midlife crisis either. He's just trading in his old model for a newer one.

Jack Geller:You know, we could borrow Richard's speedster.

Monica:Dad, no!

Mr. Geller:Look, I'm not saying you can't see Rachel, I'm just saying if you're going to park in my driveway, you need to be very careful.

Joey:Mr. Geller, I appreciate that, I really do.

Mr. Geller:My car is very sensitive. One scratch and I'm out $500.

Phoebe:My mom was really open-minded. She was always like, 'Phoebe, you can be anything you want to be.'

Rachel:You know, it's like when the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower and invented Thanksgiving.

Monica:Rachel, the Native Americans were already here.

Rachel:I know that! I'm not stupid. They were... somewhere else.

Rachel:So anyway, that's why they called it the Renaissance.

Monica:Rachel, that's not even close to what the Renaissance was.

Rachel:Well, excuse me for not being a history major. I thought it was called that because people kept saying 'the Renaissance, the Renaissance' and it sounded like 'the re-birth, the re-birth.'

Monica:That's... actually not wrong, but not for the reason you think.

Rachel:See? I'm basically an art historian now.

Rachel:I want to get a tattoo. Something that really represents me, you know? Something empowering.

Tattoo Artist:Absolutely. I love it. What are you thinking?

Rachel:I want it right here on my ankle. Something small but meaningful.

Tattoo Artist:Perfect. Let me just get this needle ready and we'll put it right on your elbow.

Rachel:My elbow?!

Tattoo Artist:What? That's what you said.

Monica:So what are you in the mood for tonight?

Richard:Well, you know me. I'm more of a... sandwich guy.

Monica:A sandwich? Richard, I'm dessert!

Richard:I know, but sandwiches are more... substantial. They stick with you.

Monica:Oh, so I'm just a little treat? Something sweet you have after the real meal?

Richard:That's not what I meant—

Monica:No, it's fine. I get it. I'm the dessert. The thing you enjoy but don't really need.

Monica:We should tell your parents first.

Richard:My parents are dead.

Monica:Well, that's convenient.

Richard:So, Jack, I was thinking we could, uh, organize your tool shed. Really get those wrenches lined up. Alphabetically? By size? I'm flexible.

Jack Geller:...It's just a tool shed.

Richard:Right, right. But think about it — the *potential*. We could really make this work. I mean, this could change everything for us.

Mrs. Geller:It's like Cocoon, except Richard actually came back!

Mrs. Geller:Are you thinking about trading me in for a younger model?

Mr. Geller:Don't be ridiculous. Besides, you're not that old. And you've still got a pretty good chassis.

Chandler:I'm not interested in your apartment.

Joey:Why not? It has a beautiful exposed beam.

Chandler:A what?

Joey:An exposed beam. The architectural feature.

Chandler:Oh my God, stop saying it like that.

Joey:You know, this apartment... it's like my girlfriend. It needs constant attention, it's always demanding something from me, and if I don't give it what it wants, it shuts me out.

Joey:I can afford to live alone now.

Chandler:Really? How?

Joey:I'm just gonna shower once a week. That'll save me a fortune on water.

Monica:Joey, that's disgusting.

Joey:What? I'll just use a lot of cologne.

Chandler:We didn't commit to live together forever.

Chandler:We're not Bert and Ernie.

Joey:You're moving out? Just like that? After everything we've been through?

Chandler:Joey, we talked about this—

Joey:No, no, I get it. You know what? Fine. Just... take your clean spoons with you.

Ross:I found an old video of Mom and Dad from like 20 years ago.

Monica:Oh my God, please tell me you didn't watch it.

Ross:I had to! And let me tell you, I cannot unsee what I saw.

Monica:Wait, what? What did you see?

Ross:Let's just say Mom and Dad were very... close on that tape.

Monica:Oh God, oh God, oh God! And I had to LIVE with them while they were doing that!

Monica:Oh, he's a real doctor. He just specializes in the care and treatment of the completely insane.

Monica:I'm the Twinkie.

Jack Geller:When did I say Richard was happy?

Monica:Well, you didn't say it. I saw it.

Rachel:I was going to get a tattoo, but then I found out it was permanent.

Monica:Rachel, that's the whole point of a tattoo.

Rachel:I know that NOW.

Rachel:Needles are sharp.

Phoebe:Oh wow, really? Because I thought they were made of jello and awesomeness.

Chandler:I got you some plastic spoons.

Joey:Plastic spoons? What am I, camping?

Chandler:Well, I thought you might like them. You know, for eating ice cream straight from the container.

Joey:That is disgusting.

Chandler:I know, but you do it anyway. So here, use these.

Joey:Are you okay with me leaving?

Chandler:Yeah, of course! I'm not gonna leave you high and dry... I'm gonna leave you high and REALLY dry.

Joey:Your men will get scored on more times than your sister.

Joey:Your sister's a...

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Which sister?

Rachel:It's not a dot, it's a... (long pause) ...it's a period. You know, like at the end of a sentence?

Phoebe:My mother used to say the same thing.

Phoebe:Right before she stabbed me.

Monica:Joey, why is my bra in your apartment?

Joey:I can explain! I use it as a slingshot!

Joey:Yeah, okay, thanks for the help, but uh... you know what? Maybe you should just stick to watching. Your hand-eye coordination isn't exactly legendary.