The One Where Eddie Moves In

Joey:Welcome to Casa de Joey.

Joey:Pretty nice, huh?

Ross:Well, it's... it's very... I mean, the colors are certainly...

Chandler:Art.

Monica:Yeah. Art.

Joey:Check this out! It's a chair... or is it? Could be a ottoman. Could be a small animal. Nobody knows! That's what makes it special!

Chandler:Oh my God, is this pillow made from actual Muppets? Because I'm pretty sure I just felt Gonzo kick me in the face.

Ross:This is a really nice water feature.

Joey:Yeah, well it's making me need to pee.

Chandler:So what you're saying is... it's working?

Joey:Why didn't Chandler come see the apartment?

Ross:Well, he's... he's dealing with some stuff right now.

Joey:Oh.

Monica:Yeah, that makes sense.

Phoebe:Totally.

Joey:And check this out - a phone in the bathroom!

Monica:Joey, that's not impressive. A lot of people have phones in their bathrooms.

Joey:Not like this one. This is a luxury phone. It's got a really long cord.

Monica:Joey, I need you to promise me something.

Joey:Okay, what?

Monica:Promise me you won't take phone calls in the bathroom.

Joey:What? Why would I do that?

Monica:Because I can hear everything, and it's gross!

Phoebe:I've been discovered!

Ross:Discovered? By whom? What, like Columbus discovered America?

Phoebe:Yes!

Ross:Phoebe, Columbus didn't discover America. The Vikings were here first. And there were already millions of people living here. So really, he just kind of... showed up.

Phoebe:Oh my God, oh my God! I got a record deal! I'm gonna be a real recording artist!

Phoebe:We were celebrating and I threw my pie in the air and it landed in Monica's hood.

Stranger:Uh, excuse me, there's pie in my jacket pocket.

Ross:Oh! Yeah, sorry about that. I was just... I needed to keep it warm.

Stranger:You put pie in MY jacket?

Ross:It seemed like a good idea at the time. Here, let me just get that for you.

Monica:I work at a coffee shop. Removing coffee from strangers' pants is literally part of my job description.

Ross:I was in there for like twenty minutes!

Monica:Ross, you were in there for forty-five minutes.

Ross:Well, I'm very thorough.

Monica:You're thorough? It's a bathroom, not a crime scene!

Monica:You know what? I'm going to be the mature one here. I'm not going to resort to name-calling or petty insults. I'm above that.

Monica:Oh yeah? Well you're a big stupid head!

Rachel:You know, I think the best way to resolve sibling conflict is to just talk it out like adults.

Rachel:Or you could always try the classic approach: rock, paper, scissors. Best two out of three.

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back off, Monica!

Monica:No, you back off! Rachel is my friend!

Ross:I know, but—

Monica:But nothing! You're not going to—

Ross:Actually... that was kind of hot.

Joey:Should I call Chandler? No, no, I shouldn't bother him. He's probably busy doing... Chandler stuff.

Joey:Besides, my slippers told me that a true friend knows when to give space. My slippers are very wise.

Joey:Hey man, what's up? I'm just... I'm doing great. Really great. Just closed a huge audition.

Chandler:Oh yeah? That's awesome, buddy. I'm actually at a very important work thing right now. Very important.

Joey:Nice, nice. Yeah, I'm actually about to go to this incredible party. So many people want me there.

Chandler:A party? Cool. Well, I should probably get back to my... my important work thing. It's very demanding.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, definitely. My party is calling. So many people. All wanting Joey.

Chandler:Right. Well, talk soon, buddy.

Joey:Absolutely. Living the dream, man. Living the dream.

Chandler:What is that sound?

Eddie:Oh, that's my Baywatch alarm. It goes off every day at this time so I don't miss it.

Joey:Dude, Baywatch! Yes!

Joey:Wait, you have cancer?

Eddie:Yeah, but I got promoted!

Joey:You see, Baywatch is a very sophisticated show. It's got drama, it's got action, it's got... people running.

Joey:And they're really good at it. Really, really good at it.

Joey:In slow motion.

Joey:I can't live alone. I need someone to take care of me.

Joey:I can't cook, I can't clean, and I'm not smart enough to live by myself.

Monica:Joey's finally moved on from Chandler. He's redecorating his entire apartment!

Monica:I mean, when a man starts picking out throw pillows, you know he's healed.

Phoebe:Wait, you guys are singing? I thought you were just... observing. Like at a zoo.

Phoebe:But don't you want to talk about the emotional reality of the song? What it means?

Producer:No. I want to talk about how many people downloaded it.

Ross:Actually, that's not a dinosaur at all. It's a modern reptile with anachronistic features that would never exist in the Mesozoic Era.

Chandler:Ross, it's a cartoon.

Ross:A cartoon that's scientifically inaccurate! That's irresponsible!

Rachel:Hi, is this a bad time?

Eddie:No, not at all. I was just reorganizing my sock drawer by thread count. What's up?

Rachel:Well, you're a big stupid head!

Monica:Hello?

Judy Geller:Hi honey, it's Mom. I have a question for you.

Monica:Hi Mom, what's up?

Judy Geller:When you and Chandler have sex, does he ever seem... satisfied?

Eddie:What is this? A moose hat?

Joey:Yeah, I wear it sometimes.

Eddie:You wear a moose hat?

Joey:What's wrong with that?

Chandler:So I met my new roommate at the butcher shop. I was standing there looking at sausages, and he goes, 'Those Italian ones are good.' So I said, 'Yeah?' And he said, 'Yeah.' And that's how we became friends.

Joey:Hey, where's my moose hat?

Eddie:You mean that thing? I thought it was a dead animal.

Joey:It IS a dead animal!

Eddie:Well, you should use some mousse on your hair instead. At least that won't shed all over the apartment.

Monica:So you're living with Joey now? That's like you two are in a committed relationship.

Chandler:We prefer to think of it as a trial separation from our wives.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's me! That's my voice! It sounds so good!

Monica:Phoebe, that's not you.

Phoebe:What do you mean? Of course that's me! I sound amazing!

Rachel:No, honey, someone else is singing.

Phoebe:Well obviously that's me, I just... I've gotten better.

Ross:Phoebe, um... has anyone ever told you that your singing voice is a little... unique?

Phoebe:Yeah! I get that all the time. I'm thinking of going professional.

Ross:Right, but I meant—

Phoebe:I'm gonna be huge, Ross. Huge. I can feel it.

Joey:Dude, you used to hate eggs. Now you're eating them every morning.

Chandler:Well, I... I don't hate them. I mean, they're not so bad when they're... prepared a certain way.

Joey:Prepared a certain way? Dude, Monica makes them the same way she always does.

Chandler:Yes, well, I'm just saying that tastes can... evolve. People change. It doesn't mean anything.

Joey:What is going on here? Every time I come home, something's different! The couch is facing a new direction, there's a new picture on the wall, you rearranged the entire kitchen!

Joey:I can't keep up! One day the eggs are in this cabinet, the next day they're in that cabinet. Who does that? Who IS this guy? Mr. Johnny New Eggs?!

Joey:I just want to come home and know where my eggs are going to be!

Joey:There's no juice! There's no juice! There's no juice!

Joey:You can't like them both the same! That's like saying you like Monica and Rachel the same. Everybody has a favorite!

Chandler:I really do like them equally.

Joey:No, you don't! Nobody does! It's impossible!

Chandler:It's not you, it's me. Actually, no, it's you. Eggs are just too committed to the relationship. They want to stick around, literally. They're like clingy exes that won't leave your pan.

Chandler:That's why I'm breaking up with breakfast. We had a good run, but I need to see other meals. Toast? We're done. Bacon? Don't call me anymore.

Rachel:You know what? I think Ross and Monica are from a completely different dimension. Like, that's not normal sibling behavior—that's alien-level weird.

Ross:When Monica gets angry, her voice reaches a frequency of approximately 4,000 hertz, which is well into the ultrasonic range. It's actually fascinating from a purely scientific standpoint.

Monica:What? It's not a big deal.

Ross:Not a big deal? Monica, you just said you...

Monica:Yes, I did. And I'd do it again.

Monica:I mean, I love my parents, but there's a difference between obligatory love and actual hatred.

Phoebe:Oh my God, she's like an unwanted shelter animal. Nobody wants her, she's got all these problems, and nobody knows what to do with her.

Phoebe:Kind of like my song 'Sticky Shoes.'

Phoebe:Oh my God, I just realized something. That voice actress who does all those cartoons? She's been doing my songs! And I never even knew she was making them sound so... deep.

Phoebe:Like, when she sang 'Smelly Cat,' I thought it was just supposed to be silly, but she made it sound like it was actually about something meaningful!

Joey:Baywatch is a masterpiece of television!

Eddie:No, no, no. It's not a masterpiece. It's just... it's just a show about people running on a beach.

Eddie:Baywatch is so shallow. All it is is half-naked women running on a beach.

Joey:Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Those women are trained professionals. They're saving lives.