The One Where Eddie Wont Go

Chandler:What are you doing here?

Eddie:I was just watching you sleep.

Eddie:Well, I like to watch people sleep. It's peaceful. It's like they're not annoying you for once.

Chandler:Eddie is such a bad roommate, I'd rather live with Hannibal Lecter. At least he'd have the decency to eat me instead of driving me crazy with his weird habits.

Eddie:I haven't been watching you. I've just been here every night, hiding better.

Eddie:I'm nice enough to hide. I don't want to bother you.

Chandler:Where did you hear that? On the radio? Did it come to you in a dream?

Chandler:Did you just travel here from 1987? Because that outfit is a time machine.

Joey:What don't I have?

Monica:Self-awareness.

Joey:I've been feeling quite perspicacious lately, you know? My vocabulary has become rather magnanimous.

Chandler:Perspicacious? Magnanimous? Who are you and what have you done with Joey?

Joey:I know, right? I've been expanding my lexicon. I'm a very erudite guy now.

Rachel:Joey, where are you getting all these words from?

Joey:Oh, this fancy toilet paper I bought. It's got a word of the day on every sheet.

Phoebe:See, the book says that people steal your wind, you know? Like, they take your power away. And so you have to, like, protect your wind at all times.

Ross:You know, I think the 'Wind-Keeper' book is actually a feminist metaphor. See, the wind represents the liberation of the female spirit, breaking free from societal constraints — much like in Tolkien's work where the elves represent an idealized, ethereal femininity.

Monica:Ross, it's a children's book about a magical wind keeper.

Ross:Exactly! And that's what makes it so profound!

Ross:It's like when you're trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Rachel:Ross, that is not helping your case.

Gunther:Can I interest you in a croissant? Or perhaps a Danish?

Phoebe:Oh, well that would be lovely, thank you.

Phoebe:You know, in my book 'How to Spot a Pervert in the Workplace,' Chapter 3 is all about this exact scenario.

Joey:Are you mad at me?

Agent:Mad? No, I'm not mad. But look at me.

Agent:Do I look mad to you?

Joey:No...

Agent:That's because I just had my Botox refreshed.

Agent:Listen, if you want to make it in this business with a dog act, you gotta focus on the fundamentals.

Agent:First thing's first: house-training. You can't go anywhere without nailing the house-training.

Agent:That's what separates the amateurs from the professionals.

Phoebe:Oh my God, this book is like, totally about Rachel. Like, every single chapter is describing her life. It's like the author followed her around or something.

Rachel:Phoebe, that's a self-help book. It's written for everyone.

Phoebe:No, no, no. See, it says here 'Chapter 3: Why You Can't Find Love When You're Only Thinking About Yourself.' That is SO you right now.

Rachel:You're so controlling! You plan every single moment of our time together.

Ross:I am not controlling. I'm organized. There's a difference. And frankly, if we don't plan ahead, we won't get good seats at the movie theater. Do you know what happens at 7 PM on a Friday? Everyone shows up. Everyone. The theater has a finite number of seats—

Rachel:Oh my God, here we go...

Ross:No, no, listen. If we don't buy tickets online in advance, we'll end up in the third row, craning our necks at an angle that will cause permanent cervical damage. Is that what you want? Because that's how people end up in neck braces, Rachel.

Monica:I am woman, hear me roar!

Rachel:Monica, that's from like the '80s.

Monica:So? It's still empowering!

Rachel:It's also still really embarrassing.

Monica:I'm down with the kids. I'm hip, I'm cool, I'm with it.

Monica:Who am I kidding? I just said 'with it.'

Rachel:How can I grow if you won't let me blow?

Ross:I... well... that's not... I mean, the thing is...

Rachel:I'm not going to apologize.

Rachel:I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I apologized!

Ross:Wait, you're telling me you keep a book by your bed just to... what, check which way the wind is blowing?

Rachel:It's not silly, Ross. It helps me sleep.

Ross:Rachel, I'm not blaming the book. I'm blaming literacy. If you couldn't read, none of this would be happening.

Ross:Oh no... there's a second envelope.

Joey:How was I supposed to know what he was saying? He had this crazy accent!

Chandler:Joey, he was from New Jersey.

Joey:Exactly!

Chandler:Joey, you're in debt. You need to stop buying things you don't need.

Joey:I know, I know. I'm cutting back.

Chandler:Really? Because I just saw a charge from 'The Wig Emporium.'

Joey:That was for a role!

Chandler:Joey, you bought seventeen wigs. What role requires seventeen wigs?

Joey:Your work is reprehensible and your modus operandi is unconscionable.

Chandler:Wow, Joey, you're using big words. Did you finally start reading that word-a-day toilet paper?

Joey:No!

Chandler:Because you're only getting like three words a day out of it.

Chandler:How much do you owe?

Joey:I owe Chromantic $12,000.

Chandler:Chromantic? What is that, a romantic restaurant for robots?

Eddie:This new goldfish is much feistier than the last one.

Chandler:That's because the last one was a cracker.

Chandler:What are you dehydrating?

Eddie:Oh, just a kidney... I mean, a tomato.

Gunther:You know, I understand what you're going through, Joey. I was an actor once too.

Joey:Really? What happened?

Gunther:I died. On stage. During a production of Macbeth. They say I gave the most convincing death scene anyone had ever seen.

Joey:That's... actually kind of amazing.

Gunther:Well, I was supposed to come back for the curtain call, but I had already made coffee plans.

Chandler:Out of the blue? Eddie, I've been dropping hints for months. I've been leaving eviction notices on your pillow. I hired a skywriter. There's a billboard on the highway!

Eddie:Well, I didn't see any of that.

Chandler:You didn't see the billboard?

Joey:It's pronounced 'Vin-chee,' not 'Vin-say.' Vin-chee.

Casting Director:It's actually 'Vin-say.'

Joey:No no, I'm pretty sure it's 'Vin-chee.' Like Hawaii Five-O.

Joey:I need to cross the budge to get to the other side.

Casting Director:It's 'bridge,' Joey. Bridge.

Joey:That's what I said. Budge.

Casting Director:No, sweetheart. Bridge. Br-idge.

Rachel:So Monica, you're like the wind-keeper in that book, right? You're keeping everything in balance.

Monica:I don't know what that means, but okay.

Rachel:Well, Chandler is like... he's the puppet.

Monica:My husband is not a puppet!

Rachel:A puppet that you control with love.

Rachel:Oh please, Monica, you won because you're built like a... like a... like a TREE! You have the reach of a sequoia!

Monica:That is not fair!

Rachel:Fair?! You could practically high-five someone in New Jersey from here!

Monica:You're like a rake in the wind.

Joey:Yeah, you might want to be careful with that. It's a 3-D Last Supper, and when you look at it from certain angles, it looks like... well, let's just say Jesus is very happy to see you.

Ross:Joey didn't get the audition? That's great!

Joey:Ross, that's not great. I didn't get the part.

Ross:I know, I know, but think about it — you didn't bomb the audition because you never went! It's perfect!

Joey:Oh hey, I picked up a little something today.

Chandler:What is it?

Joey:It's a statue of an eagle. Only cost me twelve hundred bucks.

Chandler:Twelve hundred dollars?!

Joey:Yeah, I know, it was a little pricey, but I couldn't resist. It was right there at the checkout.

Chandler:That's not behind Macy's. That's behind a Pottery Barn.

Eddie:I'll call it a 'chick bowl'... no wait, a 'chip chick'... a 'chicip'!

Eddie:Remember when we went to that baseball game and you caught that foul ball?

Chandler:That never happened.

Eddie:Sure it did! And then we went for hot dogs after!

Chandler:Oh my God!

Ross:Well, I mean, sure, Eddie thinks he's a astronaut and he keeps trying to launch himself off the balcony, but... there's something kind of sweet about a guy who dreams that big.

Eddie:Okay, you know what? You're right. I don't live here. I never have. I've just been coming over every day, eating your food, using your shower, sleeping on your couch... but fine. I'll accept that I don't live here.

Eddie:Actually, that's a relief. Do you know how much my rent would be?

Chandler:Well, Eddie, I guess this is it. You know, I really hope you find what you're looking for out there. And hey, maybe one day you'll come back, nice and dried out.

Joey:Wait, what happened to the foosball?

Chandler:Eddie dehydrated it into fruit.

Joey:Hey, what's wrong with my ceramic dog?

Chandler:Nothing, it's beautiful. Very lifelike. Except for one thing - it doesn't pee on the bathroom tiles.