The One Where Heckles Dies

Chandler:I mean, her nostrils are huge. You could land a helicopter in there.

Joey:A helicopter? Dude, you could land a whole squadron of fighter jets.

Chandler:I'm breaking up with her.

Chandler:My nostrils aren't that big! Okay, fine, they're huge. They're like two open car doors.

Monica:Wait, Joey, all women have an Adam's apple.

Joey:They do?

Monica:Yes! It's just smaller than men's.

Joey:Oh... I thought she was sick or something.

Joey:Women don't have Adam's apples? So what you're telling me is... they can all be spies?

Joey:Oh thank God, you guys were just messing with me!

Ross:We were on a break!

Rachel:What?! You slept with her?

Ross:Yes! But Rachel, we were on a break!

Monica:Oh my God, who was it?

Ross:Maureen Rasillo.

Chandler:Maureen Rasillo?! From high school?

Ross:It was one time!

Monica:Why?

Ross:Because... she said she wanted to.

Mr. Heckles:You people are making too much noise! You're disturbing my birds!

Monica:Mr. Heckles, you don't have any birds.

Mr. Heckles:Well, I could!

Mr. Heckles:I'm having a dinner party tonight.

Mr. Heckles:Well, I'm pretending to have a dinner party. I'm just talking to myself.

Mr. Heckles:Pass the salt, Mr. Heckles. Thank you, Mr. Heckles.

Monica:Oh my God, Janice is the worst!

Phoebe:Why? What's wrong with her?

Monica:That laugh! 'Oh. My. God.' And the way she says everything is so annoying.

Phoebe:Do the impression!

Monica:Oh. My. God. Could he BE any more stupid? Oh. My. God!

Joey:*in Janice's nasal voice* Oh. My. God.

Rachel:Oh my God, we won! We finally got him to back off!

Chandler:I know, I can't believe it. No more complaints, no more—

Monica:Wait, what's that smell?

Phoebe:Oh no.

Joey:Is that... coming from downstairs?

Ross:Oh my God. Mr. Heckles.

Joey:Wait, wait. Mr. Heckles died while he was sweeping?

Joey:That's it. I'm never sweeping again.

Joey:It's too dangerous.

Phoebe:Mr. Heckles? Mr. Heckles, if you're in here, knock once for yes.

Phoebe:Okay, Mr. Heckles, I'm sensing a very strong presence. I'm sensing... I'm sensing that you're dead.

Phoebe:And I'm sensing that you're upset about something. Is it the music? Is it the noise? Is it the fact that Monica and Rachel are walking around up there in their underwear?

Phoebe:Mr. Heckles, I'm gonna need you to stop with the knocking, okay? You're creeping everyone out. You gotta move on. There's a light, Mr. Heckles. Go into the light!

Phoebe:I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

Phoebe:Also, I don't believe in dinosaurs. I think they're a hoax made up by the government.

Phoebe:And I don't believe in Canada. It's just a giant snow globe.

Ross:You don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe:No, I don't believe in it.

Ross:You don't believe in evolution?

Phoebe:Well, not as a literal concept, okay? Because, I mean, you weren't there. You don't know.

Ross:I wasn't there when they took the pyramids, but... I'm pretty sure they're not just a lot of sand.

Ross:Gravity is not just a theory, it's a law.

Phoebe:Well, I don't believe in it.

Ross:You don't believe in it?

Phoebe:No. If it were real, wouldn't all the people in China just fall off?

Phoebe:I don't believe in gravity.

Monica:You don't believe in gravity?

Phoebe:No. I think things just fall down because there are people under the earth going 'push' really hard.

Chandler:Could I BE any more affected by gravity right now?

Lawyer:To Monica Geller and Rachel Green, I leave my entire collection of fine art and antiques, as well as my prized possessions. These items go to two women of taste, beauty, and the good sense to keep their stereo at a reasonable volume.

Let's talk money Immediate deflation - no money

Chandler:I'm not sure what's more depressing - that he lives like this, or that I'm pretty sure my apartment looks exactly like this.

Ross:See, these fossils prove that dinosaurs existed millions of years ago.

Phoebe:Ok, but like, how do we know the government didn't just bury them there to mess with us?

Ross:The government didn't bury dinosaur fossils, Phoebe.

Phoebe:That's exactly what they'd want you to think!

Joey:"9:30 AM - heard footsteps above my apartment. Concerned they might be human." "10:15 AM - yes, confirmed human." "2:00 PM - heard more footsteps. Possibly same human. Getting to know their schedule." "3:45 PM - human is definitely active. Have named him Steve."

Monica:You can't just move my things around! This apartment is a reflection of my taste and organization.

Rachel:Monica, it's not a museum. It's where we live. And honestly, your 'perfect' arrangement looks like a furniture catalog threw up in here.

Monica:Well, maybe if you had any sense of style, you'd understand—

Rachel:Oh, I understand perfectly. I understand that you need to control everything because you're terrified that if something's even slightly out of place, your entire world falls apart. News flash: it won't.

Ross:So you're saying aliens gave us opposable thumbs?

Phoebe:Well, yeah. I mean, how else would we have gotten them? It's not like we just evolved them naturally or something.

Ross:Actually, Phoebe, that's exactly how we got them. Through evolution over millions of years.

Phoebe:Oh sure, that's what they want you to think.

Phoebe:Oh, come on Ross. Evolution is just a theory.

Ross:It's a scientific theory, Phoebe. There's a difference.

Phoebe:Yeah, and you're a theory. A theory that no one asked for.

Chandler:Oh my God. Look at this picture of him in high school. He was a loner, he had no friends, nobody liked him.

Chandler:He used to sit in the cafeteria by himself... eating lunch alone... reading alone...

Chandler:I'm sorry, I'm looking at the wrong yearbook. This is mine.

Chandler:I was in the scale modelers' club in high school. Mr. Heckles was the faculty advisor.

Chandler:I was very lonely.

Chandler:Oh my God, I'm turning into my father.

Joey:What? No you're not.

Chandler:Yes I am. I'm getting older, I'm turning into him.

Joey:So what? My father was a dancer. It's not the worst thing.

Chandler:Your father was a Chippendales dancer, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, and he was great!

Chandler:Look at this. 'She chewed too loud.' 'She had a loud laugh.' 'She wore her hair up.' What is wrong with this guy?

Joey:Keep reading.

Chandler:'She wore her hair down.' 'She wore her hair half-up, half-down.'

Chandler:My life is like a train with no destination. I'm just riding through lonely stations.

Chandler:There's 'Desperation Station,' 'Regret Ridge,' and my personal favorite: 'Could I BE any more lost?'

Chandler:I'm afraid of dying alone.

Monica:You're not going to die alone.

Chandler:How do you know? What if I never find someone?

Joey:Hey, you'll find someone. You're a great guy.

Chandler:Yeah, but what if they use the word 'supposably'? I couldn't be with someone who says 'supposably' instead of 'supposedly.' I'd have to break up with them.

Chandler:So, are you guys doing anything for Thanksgiving?

Joey:Yeah, I'm going to my parents' place.

Chandler:Oh, that sounds nice. Maybe I could—

Joey:Yeah, no, that's not gonna work. My mom's already got the seating chart done, and she specifically said no extra people because last year my Uncle Frank got drunk and fell into the TV.

Chandler:Could I BE any more obsessive about grammar? Could I BE any more obsessive about grammar? Could I BE any more obsessive about grammar?

Chandler:Oh. My. God.

Chandler:So how's the baby?

Janice:Oh, he's fine.

Chandler:Why didn't you tell me on the phone?

Janice:Because I enjoyed hearing the pain in your voice.

Monica:You're allergic to shellfish? Since when?

Rachel:Since I ate that shrimp last week and my throat closed up.

Monica:Rachel, that was a lamp.

Phoebe:Well, I mean, nothing is certain, you know? Like, atoms? They're just, like, a mess of crap.

Phoebe:See, I don't believe in evolution. I think that man was just placed here, with all the other animals.

Ross:Okay, Phoebe, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to convince you that evolution is real.

Phoebe:Because you can't!

Ross:No, because I can't.

Chandler:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that 'science guys' were a protected class. We can't say anything bad about them? What if one of them kept me up all night talking about the Krebs cycle?

Rachel:Okay, so what happened was... I was doing my aerobics, right? And I was jumping around, and I kicked my leg up really high, and I accidentally hit the lamp!

Chandler:Rachel, you broke it like three days ago.

Rachel:No I didn't!

Chandler:Yes you did. I saw you. You threw a pillow at Monica and it knocked over the lamp.

Rachel:That was... a different lamp.

Phoebe:That's... nice.

Chandler:I need a thing. You know, a thing that defines me. Some people have a thing.

Monica:You have a thing.

Chandler:What? What is my thing?

Monica:I don't know. Your thing is... you're gonna end up alone, like that creepy old man in Washington Square Park who smells like hot dogs.

Chandler:Well, that's not a thing, that's just a lifestyle.

Chandler:I'm going to have snakes. Lots of snakes. My kids are going to come home from school, open their lunch boxes, and find a cobra.

Chandler:They'll be like, 'Dad, why is there a snake in my sandwich?' And I'll be like, 'Because I'm cool, that's why.'

Chandler:I know, I know. I'm commitment-phobic, I'm emotionally unavailable, I make inappropriate jokes at uncomfortable times...

Monica:So you're a man.

Chandler:I'm ready for commitment.

Chandler:Oh God, what have I done?

Monica:Oh, I love it! Thank you so much!

Sound effect:*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Chandler:I've really grown as a person. I'm going on a date with this amazing woman.

Chandler:But I'm worried she's going to think my shoes are stupid.

Phoebe:Well, I can sense his presence here. He's telling me he's very happy. He says you all treated him very well... except for you, Monica. He says you used to stomp around up there like an elephant in high heels.

Chandler:So, uh, how's the, uh... how's the weather been treating that big head of yours?

Chandler:I mean, you must need SPF 1000 just to get a sunburn. You could be a satellite.

Chandler:I bet you have to special order hats. Do they even make visors that big?

Chandler:Could you turn sideways? I want to see if you're one of those optical illusions or if your head is actually that large.

Chandler:I'm a great listener, I'm loyal, I'm funny, I'm... Oh God, I'm obsessed with you.