The One With The Screamer

Monica:My dad is at Flimbees.

Monica:I have no idea what Flimbees is. I can't remember the name of the place, so I just made up a word.

Monica:Guys, I need to hang up the phone.

Chandler:No, wait! I'm not done talking to Janice.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I wanted to tell Rachel about my new song.

Joey:Come on, Mon, just five more minutes!

Ross:You know what? This is ridiculous. Either we hang up the phone now, or we don't. There's no middle ground here.

Rachel:Ross, what are you talking about?

Ross:I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand. You're either with Monica on this, or you're against her. And if you're against her, you're against all of us.

Character:Who's number two?

Chandler:Whose Number Two? That's a great sewer worker game! You get a plunger, you get a badge, and you get to say 'I'm going down!' a lot.

Joey:Hey, can I borrow some of your cologne?

Chandler:I don't have cologne.

Joey:What? But I've been using your stuff for weeks!

Chandler:Joey, that's duck worm medicine.

Monica:Okay, I'm on hold with the phone company. This could take a while.

Chandler:No problem, I'll just get dressed.

Chandler:Why is my arm stuck in the pant leg?

Monica:Because you're putting them on backwards, Chandler.

Chandler:Well, that would explain the chafing.

Monica:Here, let me help you.

Joey:Can pets come to the theater?

Monica:No, Joey, pets can't come to the theater.

Joey:I know. I just wanted them to hear it from someone else.

Tommy:We're first! We're first!

Rachel:Um, Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.

Ross:Hey, great to meet you.

Tommy:Yeah, you too, man.

Rachel:So... nice weather we're having.

Ross:Yeah, really great. Very... weathery.

Tommy:Mm-hmm.

Rachel:Well, this is going great.

Ross:And break!

Ross:This is awkward.

Tommy:This is awkward.

Tommy:That's my seat!

Other Person:Oh, sorry, I didn't realize—

Tommy:Didn't realize?! DIDN'T REALIZE?! I've been coming to this theater for SEVEN YEARS! SEVEN YEARS! And you just waltz in here like you own the place?!

Other Person:It's just a seat, there are plenty of—

Tommy:JUST A SEAT?! You know what? That's it! I'm calling the manager! I'm calling the police! I'm calling the news! Everyone needs to know about this TRAVESTY!

Ross:That was amazing! You were almost as good as when you played Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet!

Joey:Ross, I was never in Romeo and Juliet.

Ross:I know.

Lauren:Oh my God, Monica! Hi! We went to high school together!

Monica:Oh wow, Lauren! How have you been?

Lauren:Good, good. Yeah, I've been great. Actually, you know who I ran into? Joey Tribbiani!

Monica:Oh really? That's nice.

Lauren:Yeah, we went out a few times. And let me tell you, Monica, the things that guy can do— I mean, we're talking hours. Hours! And then after, he just got up and left. Didn't even say goodbye. Just walked out the door like I wasn't even there.

Monica:Wow, that's... I'm sorry that happened.

Lauren:I mean, the stamina on that man is incredible, but his manners? Terrible.

Monica:How did you and Pete meet?

Pete:Well, I saw Monica at this restaurant, and I just knew I had to have her. So I bought her a drink, then dinner, then a apartment...

Monica:You just told everyone you paid for me! That's so embarrassing!

Monica:I'm breaking up with you!

Estelle:You have such a pretty face, and a great chest, and real talent.

Monica:Can I borrow it?

Rachel:Tommy's in the bathroom.

Rachel:He'll probably have another rage episode over the bathroom line.

Ross:Tommy may or may not scream.

Rachel:Oh, he's definitely going to scream.

Joey:Not the worst thing? That's the best review I've ever gotten!

Marshall:You know what? This is ridiculous! You people are philistines! You wouldn't know good theater if it—

Marshall:But seriously, does anyone want some cookies? I made them fresh this morning.

Marshall:You're all idiots! Complete and utter idiots! And there's also some brownies in the kitchen if anyone's interested!

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. Are those crab cakes?

Phoebe:We can't let those go to waste. That's a whole crab that died for nothing.

Monica:I've been on hold for three hours. THREE HOURS! This is ridiculous!

Monica:Well, I'm not just going to sit here and do nothing...

Kate:Critics are just failed actors. What do we do about it?

Joey:Well, the obvious solution is to become a critic.

Joey:You know what? Shakespeare said it best: 'Lord, what fools these mortals be!' And that's what those critics are—fools!

Kate:I gave up a soap opera role for this play.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, I gave up declawing cats.

Kate:That's not the same thing.

Joey:No, it's not. I was actually good at declawing cats.

Kate:You're smart, you're funny, you're attractive...

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. I knew about the attractive part.

Joey:The other stuff, I thought people were just being nice.

Joey:What is going on with you? One minute you're all over me, the next you're treating me like I'm invisible.

Kate:Welcome to dating an actress, Joey. We're a little... unpredictable.

Kate:Why can't I pick someone like you?

Joey:Wait, is that an insult?

Kate:No! You're sweet.

Joey:That still sounds backhanded.

Monica:I'm fine! I took vitamins.

Monica:Vitamins are basically sleep, right?

Monica:We stayed at Pete's with nothing happening.

Monica:Well, we made our own sex tape and watched it.

Monica:Joey, I'm so sorry I missed your play. I feel terrible.

Joey:It's okay, Mon.

Monica:No, really. Your call is very important to us. Please hold while we try to locate an usher.

Monica:You know, 'the night' is supposed to be romantic. Something special between two people.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I don't think that's what Joey means by 'the night.'

Joey:Oh! Oh! I got one! My brother died!

Monica:Joey, what are you talking about?

Joey:No, no, no - that's my 'the night' story! Isn't that great?

Chandler:That's... that's not romantic, Joey.

Waiter:This drink is from the woman at the bar.

Ross:Really? Which one?

Waiter:Actually, she just asked me to tell you it was a mistake. She thought you were someone else.

Monica:What time is it?

Phoebe:It's 2:47.

Monica:How do you know that?

Phoebe:I have a watch.

Monica:Does it work?

Phoebe:No.

Ross:He was banging his hands together.

Tommy:What are you drinking?

Rachel:It's hot coffee.

Tommy:Hot coffee?! HOT COFFEE?! Do you have any idea what you're doing to yourself?! This is ridiculous! And another thing — your hair looks terrible!

Joey:I'm so sorry I'm late! My dog and my parrot got into this huge fight at home.

Joey:I had to break it up, and then I had to take them both to the vet to make sure they were okay.

Joey:Hey, you wanna hold the chick?

Tommy:Oh, sure!

Tommy:What is this?! What are you doing here?! You think you're so cute with your little fuzzy body and your tiny little feet! Well, you're not! You're a bad chick! A bad, bad chick!

Joey:Hey, I gotta tell you something. This whole time we've been together, it's meant everything to me.

Joey:But I just found out my character in the play? He travels through time and gets abducted by aliens on planet Zorgon-5.

Joey:So... I guess this is goodbye. For now. And also for 200 years in the future. And also in an alternate dimension.

Phoebe:Wait, so you're telling me I've been calling a toll-free number for two days?

Chandler:Not exactly. You've been calling Utah the whole time.

Phoebe:All the big companies have 800 numbers.

Chandler:You're right. But you know what? The really big companies? They have 900 numbers.

Phoebe:Really?

Chandler:Yeah. And if you call them, they make money off of you instead of the other way around.

Chandler:In fact, the BIGGEST companies, like in Utah, they don't have any numbers at all. You just have to know where they are.

Monica:Immediately offers to give them the phone number to call back