The One With Rosss Thing

Joey:Chuck - a portmanteau of 'chick' and 'duck'

Joey:What about Dick?

Chandler:Dick? Joey, that's not a portmanteau, that's just a name!

Joey:I know, but it sounds funny.

Ross:I found a lump.

Joey:Hey, I find a lot of lumps in the shower. I just leave 'em alone.

Ross:Hey, check this out.

Chandler:Oh my God!

Joey:Dude, what is that?

Ross:What? It's nothing, it'll go away.

Joey:It's not a mole, it's a beauty mark. And it's right there.

Joey:Okay, it's like a raisin on a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Ross:It's not a pimple, it's a cyst.

Other character:What's the difference?

Ross:Well, a cyst is like a pimple's fancier cousin.

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross! What are you doing?

Ross:I'm just checking something.

Rachel:Checking what?

Ross:If I can see my... you know.

Rachel:Ross, that's like Groundhog Day. If you see your shadow, we get six more weeks of winter!

Chandler:98 hot saves? That's impressive. You know what, I could help you get to 99. I could set some fires, you could rescue me from them.

Chandler:I'm like a fireman - I go in, I come out, nobody gets hurt.

Vince:That's not funny. Fires are serious. My father died in a fire.

Phoebe:I'm playing the field, sowing my wild oats, living my best life!

Phoebe:You know, like a tumbleweed that's also a bird, but the bird is made of clouds, and the clouds are actually just my potential spreading across the universe like pollen mixed with stardust and yesterday's dreams.

Rachel:Do they know about each other?

Phoebe:Do they know about each other? What am I, like, running a wedding service out of my apartment?

Chandler:You should really see my doctor. He's great.

Ross:Why, what's wrong with your doctor?

Chandler:Nothing! He's excellent. Although, he did say I have three kidneys.

Chandler:I'm very lucky they were able to remove it.

Monica:Actually, I think most people are lucky they don't have a third nipple.

Joey:Hey, that's cool! Maybe they'll name it after you. You know, like, 'Ross-itis' or 'The Ross.' Doctors could be like, 'Whoa, check out that guy, he's got a bad case of The Ross!'

Joey:Yeah, yeah, like 'The Ross.' You know, like when a guy does something really stupid in front of his girlfriend, you call it doing a 'Ross.'

Joey:Like, 'Oh man, I totally did a Ross last night. I fell off the bed!'

Joey:So they're gonna name a disease after you? That's amazing! You'll be like, immortal! 'Ross-itis' or 'Geller's Syndrome'... people will study you in medical school!

Ross:Actually, that would be... pretty cool.

Phoebe:Oh, or he could be dying. That's worse than a breakup.

Phoebe:Actually, we don't need the fire department. We need a mechanic.

Phoebe:No, no, no, I can't see them right now. They always want to talk about their work, and I just... I can't handle all that firefighter talk.

Monica:Phoebe, what are you talking about? They're just coming to check the smoke detector.

Phoebe:I know, but one of them might recognize me, and then he'll want to... you know... and I'm just not in the mood to deal with that today.

Rachel:Wait, do you know one of the firemen?

Phoebe:No! I mean, maybe. I don't know. Can we just not do this right now?

Doctor:That's not a third nipple, that's a mole.

Chandler:We'll water your plants.

Joey:Yeah, we'll take great care of them.

Pete:Oh, that's very nice of you guys.

Chandler:Actually, I meant we'd literally urinate on them.

Phoebe:I don't want to play the field anymore. I worked in a field once. It was horrible. There were bugs everywhere, and my back hurt all day.

Rachel:Oh, I was calling you the sissy!

Chandler:

Doctor 1:Hmm, this is quite unusual.

Doctor 2:I've never seen anything like it.

Doctor 3:Fascinating.

Experienced Doctor:In thirty years of medical practice, I have absolutely no idea what this is.

Joey:Wow, this place is amazing! How much money do you have?

Pete:Well, I'm worth about 80 million dollars.

Joey:80 million dollars?! And this is the best TV you could get?

Chandler:Wow, this kitchen is amazing. Does everything talk to you?

Pete:Yeah, pretty much. The refrigerator gives recipe suggestions, the oven tells you jokes...

Chandler:That's incredible. What about the toaster?

Smart Toaster:Good morning, Chandler! I noticed you're a little pale. Would you like me to make your toast extra dark to help with your complexion?

Chandler:Okay, that's... that's enough technology for one day.

Pete:I can see all of you guys, by the way.

Pete:Monica, I love you.

Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross:Awww!

Joey:Hello, Mrs. Geller? Hi, it's Joey Tribbiani, Monica's friend. I was calling to talk to you about—

Pete's Mother:I think you have the wrong number.

Joey:No, no, no, I'm pretty sure this is right. Is this Mrs. Geller?

Pete's Mother:This is Mrs. Bhatnagar.

Joey:Oh! Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

Rachel:We could have a money-themed wedding with money salad.

Rachel:Okay, yeah, it would taste terrible, but the guests would love it.

Ross:You just can't rush into marriage. You need to take your time, really get to know the person.

Joey:Says the guy who's been married three times.

Phoebe:I'm choosing Jason because he's sensitive and caring, unlike Vince who only cares about his looks.

Phoebe:But yeah, I'm definitely going to miss Vince's incredibly hot body.

Rachel:Oh my God, Monica, your wedding is going to be amazing! I'm already picturing everything - the flowers, the dress, the cake...

Rachel:Wait. Why am I picturing a giant bouquet made of hundred dollar bills?

Rachel:Because that's what this is actually going to cost, isn't it?

Vince:Yeah, I'm a tough fireman. I don't cry, I don't show emotions. But when it comes to emotional pain, I journal about it. Every night I write in my diary about my feelings.

Phoebe:My herbal guy can totally help with that.

Ross:Phoebe, I don't think herbs are going to make my... growth taste better.

Rachel:You should totally get this dress. It's perfect for you.

Monica:Rachel, it's a wedding dress. I'm not getting married.

Rachel:So? Wear it to go clubbing! You'll look amazing!

Phoebe:His work is really beautiful. I mean, he uses a lot of charcoal, which is interesting because he's a firefighter. You know, you'd think he'd come home and want to get away from it all, but no, he just goes right into his studio and... you know, works with charcoal.

Phoebe:Okay, so I'm trying to decide between Frank Jr. and Mike. Let me break this down mathematically.

Phoebe:Frank Jr.: Pro - he's a nice guy, con - he's my student. That's a minus ten.

Phoebe:Mike: Pro - he's a lawyer, con - lawyers are soulless. That's a wash.

Phoebe:Frank Jr.: Pro - he has a nice butt. Plus fifteen.

Phoebe:Mike: Pro - he proposed to me. Plus... infinity?

Phoebe:Okay, carrying the one... the answer is Mike.

Ross:What's a kundus?

Guru Saj:Kundus? That's a 'what's up' with you!

Ross:What are you doing?

Guru Saj:I am treating the growth like an angry living creature that must be soothed.

Ross:That's not a medical procedure!

Guru Saj:You have no faith in ancient wisdom.

Guru Saj:The solution is love. Love is what will make it grow.

Guru Saj:But wait—oh no! My watch!

Guru Saj:The growth... it's been snagged off.

Pete:I want to conquer the world with you. I want to build an empire with you. I want to fight by your side.

Woman:Oh my God, yes! Yes, I'll marry you!

Pete:Wait, what? No, no. I'm talking about fighting in the UFC. I want you to be my cage fighting partner.

Pete:I want you there at my fights. I want to look into the crowd and see your beautiful face.

Pete:I want to smell your perfume mixed with the smell of blood and sweat in the arena.

Monica:That's so romantic... in a scary, weird way.

Monica:Oh yeah, Mom and Dad are gonna love that. 'Oh, Pete wants to be a violent fighter.' They're gonna be so proud.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you guys both showed up! Okay, um... Mike, this is David. David, this is Mike.

Mike:What's going on?

David:Yeah, Phoebe, what is this?

Phoebe:You know what? Mike, I think you should know that David cried during Beaches. And David, Mike doesn't recycle.

Phoebe:Dating both has been horrible.

Phoebe:Actually, it's been fun.

Fireman:You can't just leave a fire extinguisher in the middle of the hallway like that.

Jason:What? It's fine.

Fireman:No, it's not fine. It's a serious safety violation.

Guru Saj:The duck has an imbalance in its chakras. I will realign them with ancient healing techniques.

Chandler:Or we could take it to a vet?

Guru Saj:A vet? That is Western medicine. I have treated many animals with my spiritual methods.

Monica:How many animals have survived your treatments?

Guru Saj:That is not the correct question to ask.

Guru Saj:Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?