The One With The Free Porn

Monica:Oh my God, what is that?!

Chandler:I think it might be your flip-flop.

Monica:My flip-flop?!

Chandler:Well, you're always losing them in the shower.

Joey:So I didn't pay my cable bill, and now I get free porn. That's gotta be it.

Joey:You know what? I'm not paying my electric bill next month.

Joey:Maybe they'll send me a girl!

Joey:Hey, these girls have no clothes on!

Joey:It's like finding money in your pocket, except it's porn, and it's free!

Joey:And then you lose it... *sad face* ...gone forever.

Chandler:You turned off the TV? On purpose?

Chandler:Okay, new rule. No one is allowed to watch TV in this apartment unless they first sign a waiver saying they won't tell anyone about the free porn.

Chandler:And if you do watch it, you have to wear a hazmat suit so you don't contaminate the sacred porn-viewing area.

Chandler:Actually, you know what? We're going to need to put a plastic barrier around the TV. And everyone has to shower before entering.

Chandler:And we're going to need to filter the air. Special air. Porn air.

Chandler:We need to establish a comprehensive security protocol for the television and its contents. I propose we implement a multi-tiered access system with biometric verification and password-protected viewing restrictions.

Joey:Chandler, it's just a TV.

Chandler:Just a TV? Joey, we're talking about the safe-guarding of extremely valuable... educational material. This requires the utmost scientific rigor and formal documentation.

Joey:The sound's off, but the picture's still there, right?

Phoebe:I'm so tired of lugging this massage table around everywhere.

Monica:Well, you know what a job is without a table? Being a doctor.

Phoebe:We need to talk to you about something important.

Monica:Yeah, Joey, this is serious.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can this wait? You're blocking the TV.

Phoebe:Joey, we're trying to have a real conversation here.

Joey:I know, I know, but you're blocking my... my show.

Monica:Your show? Joey, we need to talk about—

Joey:Look, can you guys just move? Please? You're interfering with something very important.

Monica:I know how you feel, Ross. When I went through my divorce, I was devastated.

Monica:But you know what helped? Free porn.

Ross:"The Rachel" is not a hairstyle, it's a way of life.

Chandler:Please, God, make it stop.

Chandler:I have this fantasy where I fall in love with a foreign woman, and she doesn't speak English, and I have to teach her.

Ross:That's not a fantasy, that's how you met Janice.

Ross:So what made you want to help out with the Ukrainian orphanage?

Chandler:Well, you know, I wanted to make a difference in these kids' lives. Give them hope for the future.

Chandler:But I'm not gonna lie, the borscht was incredible.

Chandler:So she's waiting at the gate, she sees you coming down the terminal, and she just runs into your arms.

Ross:Yeah, and then we make love right there on the floor of the airport!

Chandler:On the floor of the airport? Ross, there are people there!

Ross:I know! That's what makes it hot!

Chandler:Okay, well now we're getting into some areas I'm not comfortable with.

Chandler:I'm having this fantasy where... okay, it's getting a little out of hand. Like, I'm thinking about things that are... really not appropriate for a coffee shop. And I'm realizing that maybe I've been watching too much... you know... and now my brain is just... it's ruined. I can't even have a normal conversation without my mind going to... yeah. I think porn has officially broken me.

Doctor:Have you ever had multiple births in your family?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, I had triplets.

Doctor:That's wonderful! Are they close?

Phoebe:Well, I got paid in full, so I'd say we're even.

Doctor:I'm hearing three heartbeats.

Phoebe:Oh my God, triplets! I'm gonna have triplets!

Phoebe:Wait, that's so crazy. Like, five minutes ago I thought I was dying, and now I'm gonna have three babies. That's like... that's the craziest thing that's ever happened to me.

Phoebe:It's going to be like Space Mountain.

Monica:What?

Phoebe:You know, it's dark, it's scary, and then suddenly you're outside and you're like 'Wow, that was cool!'

Doctor:Don't worry, I've delivered thousands of babies.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, I've been a mother for like, five minutes, and I've already delivered three. So I think I know what I'm doing.

Phoebe:And I'm totally using that comeback on Monica.

Phoebe:Okay, so you know how when you're eating a sandwich and you bite into it and there's a huge chunk of onion that you didn't expect?

Phoebe:Well, you're pregnant with triplets.

Frank Jr.:Triplets? Oh man, that's amazing! We could start a boy band!

Frank Jr.:I'm thinking... matching outfits, synchronized dancing, the whole thing. We'd be huge!

Frank:Yeah, well, at least you get to leave at the end of the day. I live with them. I live with three of them. Three! Do you know what that's like? It's like being outnumbered in your own home. I can't even go to the bathroom without someone asking me for something.

Alice:It'll be like my very own little sweatshop.

Monica:Wait, you're in college?

Frank:Yeah, I'm studying hard.

Monica:That's great! What are you majoring in?

Frank:Appliance repair. It's a specialized trade school.

Frank Jr.:I love refrigerators. I'm passionate about refrigerators. That's why I'm going into the business.

Frank Jr.:Having three kids is a different kind of dream.

Phoebe:Yeah, a dream where you're constantly broke and exhausted.

Ross:Emily! I brought you something special!

Emily:Oh... it's lovely, Ross.

Emily:I'm getting on the plane.

Ross:I love you.

Emily:Thank you.

Ross:You're welcome.

Joey:Oh yeah, I was in a porn parody of 'Good Will Hunting.' It was called 'Good Will Humping.'

Chandler:Well, there you go. He's not for you.

Rachel:So I'm going to test him. I'm going to show up at his door looking absolutely hideous.

Monica:Rachel, that's crazy.

Rachel:No, it's not! He said he doesn't care about looks. Well, we'll see about that.

Phoebe:What are you going to do, like, not shower?

Rachel:Worse. I'm going to wear Chandler's sweatpants and one of Monica's old shirts from high school.

Monica:Hey!

Phoebe:Yeah, so Frank Jr. is going to college. My parents are so excited. They think he's going to be a doctor or a lawyer or something.

Phoebe:But honestly, with our family? He'll probably end up doing something weird like selling his hair or living in a box.

Phoebe:So you work at a big important company. Can you get me some insider trading information?

Chandler:Uh, no, Phoebe, I can't do that. That's illegal.

Phoebe:Oh come on, nobody has to know.

Chandler:I could lose my job, go to prison...

Phoebe:So that's a no?

Chandler:That's a no. But I can get you a really good deal on office supplies!

Ross:I got to the airport and I thought about what you said, about how nothing's ever just with us. And I realized that you're right. So I got on the plane. And then I got off the plane.

Rachel:What?

Ross:I got off the plane.

Chandler:You should play hard to get.

Ross:Chandler, I live in an apartment. I can't play hard to get. I'm not hard to get, I'm hard to find.

Ross:Emily already lives far away.

Chandler:So go even further away. Problem solved!

Ross:Well, the jerk store called, and they're all out of you!

Joey:What?

Ross:Oh, wait, wait. What'd the extra line mean?

Joey:There is no extra line.

Ross:Oh. Oh! Oh, I know what I was gonna say. Yeah, well, I slept with your girlfriend!

Joey:Hey Ross, that comeback was almost as good as your last relationship!

Monica:We should turn off the porn.

Chandler:What? No! If we turn off the porn, how will the delivery guy know where to go?

Joey:Hey, I'm not turning it off! What if my kid someday asks me, 'Dad, did you ever watch porn?' I'm gonna be able to say, 'No, son, I did not.' And I'm gonna be able to look him right in the eye.

Joey:I'm telling you, man, every father should have a conversation with his son about free porn on the internet.

Chandler:Yeah, my dad never did that.

Joey:See? That's probably why you turned out so weird.

Chandler:Actually, he did. I was just trying to be polite.

Phoebe:See, the problem with most kitchen knives is that they're too sharp. You cut yourself, you bleed all over your food, it's a whole thing. So I invented this knife that's completely dull. You can't cut anything with it, but you also can't hurt yourself. It's perfect!

Chandler:That's just a spoon.

Phoebe:No, it's not!

Joey:So you're doing a knife demonstration?

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm really excited about it!

Joey:That's great. What could go wrong?

Phoebe:Oh, I don't know. I guess I could slip and stab someone.

Phoebe:And then I'd be on the news: 'Local Woman Stabs Man With Knife During Demonstration.'

Phoebe:So I'm thinking of starting my own business. I'll be a life coach.

Monica:Phoebe, what qualifications do you have to be a life coach?

Phoebe:Well, I've lived a life, haven't I? Plus, I'm starting a second business too.

Monica:What's the second business?

Phoebe:I'm going to teach dogs how to do my job so I can retire and let them be the life coaches.

Emily:There's someone else.

Ross:What? Who? Is he British?

Chandler:Or you know, never. That's also an option.

Ross:I put my fist through a wall.

Chandler:What? Why would you do that?

Ross:I was really angry.

Monica:At what?

Ross:Well, I was punching the wall, and it... it opened.

Chandler:The wall opened?

Ross:It was a door.

Joey:What did you do about Paolo?

Ross:I told him what I thought of him. I really let him have it.

Joey:You did?

Ross:Well, I mocked him. Repeatedly.

Joey:Hey, I'm not watching this for the story. I'm watching it for... romantic inspiration. You know, like a how-to guide.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're flying to London? Does this mean you're not coming to my audition tomorrow?

Ross:Joey, Emily is getting married tomorrow.

Joey:I know, but I'm gonna be there in spirit. Hey, when you get to the airport, grab me some of that English chocolate, yeah?

Phoebe:I'm thinking of combining my two jobs - massage taxi. You get a ride and a massage at the same time!

Monica:Phoebe, that's the worst idea I've ever heard. What if you're giving someone a massage and you hit a pothole? You could paralyze them!

Phoebe:I call it a 'Massataxi'!

Frank:I came up with that name.

Other character:You did?

Frank:Yeah, I was going to call it 'Central Purrk'.

Phoebe:No, no, no! It's not the same name, it's completely different. Frank Jr. is like... it's a whole new person. It's like if you named your kid 'Bob,' but then you named another kid 'Bob Jr.' — totally different Bobs! One Bob is the original, superior Bob. The other Bob is just trying to live in the first Bob's shadow. Frank Jr. has to forge his own identity, you know? He's probably way cooler than regular Frank. He's got that 'Jr.' mystique.

Monica:I knew it! I knew you two would end up together! I called this like two years ago!

Emily:Ross, I just wanted to call and tell you how much I love you, and how much I'm going to miss you while I'm away...

Joey:Hey, can someone get me some chocolate?

Emily:Who is that? Is someone there with you?

Emily:Hello, it's Emily. I'm calling to let you know I've arrived safely in London. The flight was lovely, and I'm settling in nicely at the flat. I do hope everything is well with you. Please ring me when you get a chance. Also, if Mrs. Geller from next door is listening to this message — and I suspect she is — I'd like to let you know that your garden fence is crooked and your petunias look absolutely dreadful. Cheerio!

Emily:Ross, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Ross:Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Chandler:I went to the bank today, and the teller didn't even take her clothes off. I was very disappointed.

Joey:No 'Nice apartment, bet the bedrooms are huge'? Nothing!

Chandler:Could the TV be any more broken?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Try it again.

Chandler:It's not working, Joe.

Joey:No, no, no, turn it off and turn it back on.

Chandler:That's not going to—

Joey:Just do it!

Chandler:Okay, okay.

Joey:YES! YES! Oh my God! Oh my God! It's back! It's all back!

Joey:I like the middle one best.

Joey:Don't worry, I won't tell the other two.