The One With Rachels New Dress

Phoebe:Your belly is like a drum. I can feel the baby kicking in there.

Phoebe:It's like bongo drums. Do do do do do!

Phoebe:I can't play guitar anymore because of my belly. So I'm just gonna use it as a drum instead.

Phoebe:Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

Phoebe:Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.

Monica:That's actually really impressive.

Phoebe:Thanks! I've only been doing it for like twenty minutes and I'm already really good at it.

Frank Jr. Jr.:Phoebe, I need to ask you a favor.

Phoebe:Oh! You want me to be a surrogate again!

Phoebe:Wait, wait. If you're Frank Senior, and he's Frank Junior, wouldn't he be Frank... the Third?

Frank Jr.:No, no, no. I'm the Junior.

Phoebe:Right, but you're not Senior, so...

Frank Jr.:I'll be Senior by then.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm so honored you want me to name the baby!

Phoebe:I have the perfect name: Cougar.

Ross:Well, he'll figure it out. I mean, he sees Carol and Susan together all the time. He knows that Carol is his mother and Susan is her... partner.

Ross:So when he sees a bra, he's not going to think it's some big mystery. He'll just think, 'Oh, that's Carol's bra. Or Susan's bra.'

Ross:We still have time for a little... you know.

Emily:Ross, that's very optimistic. For you.

Emily:Ben! What are you doing up?

Ben:I had a bad dream.

Emily:Well, you can sleep in our bed tonight.

Ross:Emily and Susan really hit it off.

Susan:Well, let's be honest, Ross. You don't like me.

Ross:That's not true.

Susan:Ross.

Ross:Okay, fine. I don't like you.

Phoebe:Exxon. That's a strong name for a corporation.

Chandler:Yeah, unless you're an Alaskan fisherman.

Joey:You know what? I got a great name for a baby boy: Hercules.

Joey:All the kids in school would be like, 'Hey, Hercules!' and then they'd be like, 'Yeah?'

Joey:You could be The Hulk!

Phoebe:The Hulk? I don't know... I'm not really a 'The' kind of girl.

Joey:You know what? I'm gonna go out there and sell myself. I'm a good-looking guy, I'm a talented actor, and I'm a genuinely nice person.

Joey:How could they not want me? Joey Tribbiani - he's not just an actor, he's a force of nature! He lights up every room he walks into. Women want him, men want to BE him!

Joey:And the best part? He works cheap!

Chandler:Could I BE any more... Chandler? I mean, what if I went by a different name? Like, what if I was 'Brad'? Brad Bing. No, that doesn't work. What about 'Steve'? Steve Bing. See, the thing is, I've tried to distance myself from the name Chandler my whole life, but it's like this weird, awkward thing that just... it's me. I'm Chandler Bing. That IS my name. That's who I am. And I can't escape it, even though it sounds like something from a Dickens novel written by someone who had a stroke.

Phoebe:You know what? Forget all that. I think you should be a superhero whose only power is that he can turn into a big pile of wet leaves.

Joey:Phoebe...

Phoebe:No, no, no, hear me out! And when he does, all the bad guys just jump in the pile because it's so fun!

Phoebe:I'm gonna use The Hulk on you!

Joey:No, no, no! I was seriously considering that for my kid!

Rachel:So which outfit do you think is better for my date?

Monica:Oh, you want me to choose? That's like asking me to pick a favorite child. Except your children are both ugly.

Monica:Rachel's idea of cooking is putting a potato in the microwave and calling it a meal.

Rachel:It's not just a potato, it's a *baked* potato. And I pair it with a Diet Coke for balance.

Monica:That's not balance, that's a cry for help.

Monica:You know, I think the problem is that Rachel doesn't really take cooking seriously.

Rachel:That's not true! I take it very seriously. I'm just not very good at it.

Ross:They're doing everything together. They went to a museum, they went shopping, they went to lunch...

Ross:They're talking about interior design! Emily's showing her fabric swatches!

Ross:Susan is laughing at her jokes. They're exchanging phone numbers!

Ross:Oh God, they're bonding. They're actually bonding!

Ross:She's always saying things like, 'Oh, Susan's so smart, Susan's so funny, Susan's so talented.' And I'm thinking, 'Yeah, well, Susan's not here anymore, Carol. Susan's gone!' But does she listen? No! It's 'Susan this' and 'Susan that.' I can't compete with Susan! Nobody can compete with Susan!

Ross:Emily and Susan at the gym together... they're on the StairMaster next to each other, and they're talking about me.

Ross:And then Emily says, 'You know, Susan, Ross is really—' and Susan interrupts her and says, 'I know, he's very—'

Ross:And then they're both on the StairMaster and they're both looking at me, and they're both—

Ross:It's like that scene in Jaws, you know? When all the women realize there's a shark in the water? That's what this is like. Except I'm the shark.

Joey:Personal Best? Dude, I gotta see that!

Ross:I just want to make sure we pick the right name for the baby.

Phoebe:Oh, I have some thoughts on that. 'Ross' is a terrible name for a baby.

Ross:What? That's my name!

Phoebe:Exactly. It sounds like a name someone made up when they ran out of real names. Like, 'We need a name... Ross! Done.'

Ross:I'm having an emotional crisis and you're upset about my name?

Phoebe:Your name is Ross!

Ross:I know my name is Ross.

Ross:Why does everyone else get to be happy? Monica has Chandler, Rachel has... well, she's working on it. Even Phoebe found someone. And me? I'm stuck being... being...

Chandler:What, like a superhero? 'Captain Dateless'?

Ross:Yeah, exactly. Except Captain Dateless actually has a cool name.

Ross:Actually, if you look at the comic book canon, Spider-Man's web fluid has a tensile strength of—

Ross:You know what? Forget it. I can't believe Rachel is dating Paolo.

Chandler:There are no famous Joeys.

Joey:Yeah, well, there was Joey Buttafuoco.

Phoebe:What about Chandler Joey? Or Joandler? Pheeandler? Wait, that's me.

Chandler:Could I BE any more qualified to be president?

Joey:Well, you'd have to actually run for office first.

Chandler:I've run from things my whole life. How is this different?

Joey:Okay, okay, okay. 'Chandler'? What kind of name is Chandler? It sounds like you should be working in a department store or something. 'Can I help you find some slacks?' No! It's a terrible name!

Chandler:It's not that bad.

Joey:Not that bad?! It's worse than bad! You know what your name sounds like? A candle maker. A guy who makes candles!

Chandler:Actually, that's what it means.

Joey:Exactly! Why would your parents name you after a job? That's insane! I mean, at least my name is cool. Joey Tribbiani — that's a name with style, with pizzazz!

Joey:Could you BE any more pathetic?

Chandler:I could try.

Joshua:What the—

Rachel:Oh, don't worry about them. They come every year around this time.

Joshua:Farm birds really kind of freak me out!

Joshua:Look, I know what you're all thinking. But it's not irrational! Birds are unpredictable. They have those beady little eyes, and they move so fast you can't see where they're going. Plus, have you ever really looked at their feet? They're like tiny alien claws!

Rachel:Well, they're birds, Joshua. They fly. It probably only takes them like, what, twenty minutes?

Rachel:The birds will just peck their way back out.

Joshua:That's not funny.

Rachel:He's like a nature documentary. 'And here we see the male bird in his natural habitat, nervously preening his feathers, unaware that the female is about to reject him.'

Carol:So what did you do today, Ben?

Ben:Nothing.

Carol:Did you play with your toys?

Ben:No.

Carol:Did you watch TV?

Ben:No.

Ross:Well, you must be dead.

Ross:Yeah, well, their marriage was a loving, committed relationship too.

Carol:Wait, I'm starting to think Susan might be right about Emily...

Carol:Oh my God, I've convinced myself.

Rachel:When I was a kid, a duck chased me. I couldn't have been more than seven. It was the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me.

Rachel:Was the fancy house a babe magnet growing up?

Joshua:Well, I didn't grow up in that house. My parents bought it after I was in college.

Joshua:But speaking of babe magnets, how many guys have you gone through since college?

Joshua's Mother:Well, we're back from France.

Joshua's Father:Dreadful place.

Joshua's Mother:Absolutely dreadful.

Rachel:I can also cook, clean, and do laundry!

Joshua's mother:I like her. She seems smart.

Joshua's father:Did my son buy you that outfit?

Rachel:Yes, he did.

Joshua's father:That must have cost a fortune. Where'd he get the money?

Joshua's father:Please tell me that's not the grocery money.

Rachel:Okay, so I was helping out at this really important photo shoot for a major fashion designer...

Rachel:And they needed someone to model the clothes, so I volunteered because, you know, it's fashion.

Rachel:But then the designer said my regular clothes weren't... fashion-forward enough, so they gave me this outfit to wear instead.

Rachel:It's actually very expensive. It's a limited edition piece that most people can't even pull off.

Rachel:Plus, I got paid! Well, I mean, I will get paid. Once the check clears. From the fashion people.

Rachel:Well, I think America is ready.

Joshua's father:You know, that's a very nice outfit. It would be a shame to waste it.

Joshua's father:Why don't you go seduce my son?

Joshua's Mother:Well, I can see you're not wearing much under that dress.

Chandler:Could I BE any more insulted? That's it. From now on, I'm going by my middle name. I'm Muriel now.

Joey:Muriel?

Chandler:That's right. Muriel Bing. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

Phoebe:So your name is just Chandler Chandler?

Chandler:I need a new first name. Something more masculine.

Joey:What about Clint?

Chandler:Clint? That's perfect! Clint Bing. I'm gonna be a whole new man.

Joey:No way! You can't pull off 'Chandler.' You gotta go with 'Gene.'

Chandler:Gene? Why Gene?

Joey:Because that's the only name you could pull off.

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm Chandler now!

Rachel:Her casual self-assessment after the wardrobe malfunction

Ross:Wait, so you're saying poetry is... gay?

Emily:No, Ross, not all poetry is gay.

Ross:But some of it is, right? Because that's what I'm hearing.

Susan:Oh my God, no. We just went to see a poem about nature.

Ross:Nature? That's very... suspicious.

Monica:She completely changed him. He used to be so funny and now he's just a... a sycophant!

Chandler:A sycophant?

Monica:Yes! Someone who changes who they are to please someone else.

Chandler:I know what a sycophant is. I just don't think that's the word you're looking for.

Monica:You're a sycophant!

Ross:I don't even know what that means.

Ross:But I'm not going to argue with the other two things you said.

Monica:Okay, so Ross has trust issues. And apparently they started when he was seven years old. So for the past... *counts on fingers* ...twenty-eight years, he's been living in Paranoid City. Population: Ross.

Rachel:Oh my God, this is so much fun!

Monica:You can't let Carol ruin your relationship with Emily. You have to be the better version of Ross.

Ross:Fine! You know what? I don't want your advice anymore. I don't want anybody's advice. From now on, I'm making all my own decisions. And I hope you're all happy when I'm miserable!

Chandler:We will be.

Chandler:I need help choosing a new name.

Joey:Well, let's see. You're short, you're stocky, you've got that funny hair... I'd say 'Barney.'

Chandler:I'm thinking Chad or Brad.

Joey:Hey, I'm not saying your name doesn't suck, but dude, you ARE a major problem.

Phoebe:Could you BE any more ashamed of your name?

Chandler:I mean, my parents named me after a city in Massachusetts, a biblical king, and my mother's maiden name. It's like they were trying to ruin my life.

Phoebe:Well, I'm changing my name to Chandler. From now on, I'm Chandler Bing.

Chandler:What? Why would you do that?

Phoebe:Because someone has to love your name, and apparently it's not going to be you.

Ross:Emily!

Monica:Emily!

Ross:Oh my God, hi!

Monica:Oh my God, hi!

Emily:Ross, I'm so glad you're okay. But when you kiss me hello, please don't use your tongue.