The One with the Fake Party

Cereal killer. / Cereal killer? / Hey, come on, I say more dumb things before 9 a.m... than most people say all day.

I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake. Oh, cake!

It's me. It's Phoebe. Listen, there's something in here I want to eat.

Yes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it. The baby wants bologna. The baby wants meat. I can't eat meat.

Joshua, give me a call sometime. Guys like you... never go out of style.

We went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs at the museum. / Without me?

I don't know how museums work in England, but here, you're not supposed to take stuff.

I got it from the gift shop. / They have really lax security there.

It's a joke. / Anyone for more tea? / No, just me then. / Hey, Ringo.

Every time Emily's around, you talk like her. Would you please cut it out? / I think you like it. / I think you can't resist me when I do it.

You want to eat me up like a cream 'pumpy.' / What? / All right, look, I don't know all the words.

Right. I've got to be off. I'll see you. Bye-bye, then. / Bye-bye, then.

When I'm with her, I'm fun! I do things like run off to Vermont... and you guys saw the doorknob.

Hey, that's what all my relationships are like. / Yes, but in Ross' case, they both know in two weeks that's it.

Maybe that's because soy burgers suck. / But I'm no obstetrician....

That's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too.

It's comfortable. You could really flash somebody in this.

Why not? / Well, because... we get a lot of... / They ruin it for everybody.

Congratulations. So do you love her?

What was that? / Just an anti-theft device. / Then what's this? / You need that too, because a thief could just tear this up.

That sucks. Nobody's ever thrown me a bon-voyage-Emily party.

As much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him...

Surprise! / No one's thrown me a surprise party before. / Well, it was all Ross' idea.

You're so sweet. / And I'm so surprised.

You didn't know?

Quick! He's looking. Say something funny. / Like what? / What's so funny? / I said, 'Like what?' / Now that's a thinker.

Care for a cherry? / No, thanks. / I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.

You okay? / You all right?

Actually, American surprise parties are very short. It's usually, 'Surprise!' Then, 'My God, I'm so surprised. Bye!'

Your sister told me that you used to dress up like old ladies... and host make-believe tea parties.

Did she tell you that when she was little... she was partially responsible for new legislation... regulating the strength of swing sets?

Then what are you going to put on top of that? / A little salami. / Oh, yeah. / What goes on top of the salami? / Pastrami. / You're a genius.

You changed? / I decided I needed my lucky dress. / Lucky means more cleavage? / It does for me.

This scene in Footloose- / Flashdance. / Yeah. With that plumber girl? / A welder.

Were you, like, in the movie?

Or you could use mistletoe. / It's not Christmas. / Spin-the-bottle. / He's not 11.

You can't leave yet. You have to stay. We've got the whole big thing planned. / What big thing? / Spin-the-bottle works like this: I spin the bottle.

Welcome to America.

Oh, my God! Two in a row! You gotta use your tongues now.

What are the odds? / That's enough!

Story of my life. / Story of my father's life.

The baby just kicked! / It's okay. It's okay. If it kicked once, it'll kick again! / Everybody just remember where they were sitting.

It was a bug.

You know why I'm never gonna eat meat? Because it's cold-blooded murder.

There's a Phoebe on my sandwich!

You know when you're dating someone... and you don't want to cheat unless it's with someone really hot? / Totally. / This is the same kind of deal.

If you're gonna do something wrong... do it right.

I'm trying to get Emily out of here, and you keep talking to her... being all interesting and making her laugh. I don't want you to be funny anymore.

From now on, I'm gonna be funny sometimes, and not funny others.

Six more months, three meals a day. I am going to eat, like, you know, millions of cows. / Mommy cows, daddy cows, baby cows / No. No, I will never eat baby cows. No veal! / Oh, but veal.

What if I even things out for you, meat-wise? / What? / I eat a lot of meat, right? But suppose, until the baby's born, I laid off it. / No extra animals would die. You'd be eating my animals.

There's no meat in beer, right?

Rachel is going to put on a skit.

Oh, my God! Have you lost your mind? / I am finally thinking clearly.

My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me. But for four years, this baby never missed.

Nice costume.

Give me an 'E'! Give me an 'M'! Give me an 'I'! Give me an 'L'! Give me a 'Y'! What do you get? Emily! Emily!

That's me as a cheerleader!

I loosened a tooth. It's no big deal. I have a dentist.

What do I do now? / I think you're done. / Time to take off the bra.

That was really great. But I gotta take off. / Take the bra off.

Rachel's my girlfriend.

This used to be my bedroom. A lot of memories in here. Lot of memories.

If these walls could talk, they'd say: 'Want to hear some memories?'

God! Forget it!

I don't wear suits to work. And I bought six of them from you.

But- / No 'but.' 'But' is never good. Let's leave it at 'l like you and you like me.' / Okay. However- / No, that's a fancy 'but.'

If it makes you feel any better, I made a fool of myself. / Helps a little.

Is there room on that step for a pathetic loser? / Have a seat.

And you're sitting here in a hallway... with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.

What photo album was it? / I don't know. It was you and a bunch of albino kids.

Oh, my God! Those weren't albino kids. That was computer camp!

You're a pathetic loser, right? / Oh, yeah. / Sit!

I love that 'but.'

Every time.

What do you got there? / Pastrami. / You know what goes good with that? / Corned beef. / I was going to say bologna. But that's better.

How about that smoked turkey? / Okay. / Oh, mama!

When is the baby due? / Six months.

If a cow died of natural causes, I could have one of those, right? / Not if I get there first.