The One With The Fake Party

Joey:So this guy is a cereal killer!

Chandler:A cereal killer?

Joey:Yeah, he kills cereal. He's a serial killer.

Joey:Sorry, I say stupid stuff before I've had my coffee.

Phoebe:Pregnancy is no piece of cake.

Phoebe:Did someone say cake? Oh my God, I need cake right now. What kind of cake? Do we have cake?

Phoebe:Hey, I'm in the bathroom and I'm really hungry. Can you get me something to eat?

Monica:Phoebe, you're in the bathroom. Why would you eat in there?

Phoebe:Because I'm hungry NOW!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm craving bologna. Me! I haven't eaten meat in like, ten years!

Phoebe:What if the baby wants me to eat meat? What if my baby is a meat-eater and I'm a vegetarian? We're gonna have to go to family counseling or something!

Rachel:Joshua, give me a call sometime. Guys like you... never go out of style.

Monica:You went to see Victorian doorknobs without me?

Ross:Well, Emily wanted to go and—

Monica:I can't believe you'd go to a Victorian doorknob exhibit without inviting me! I love doorknobs!

Chandler:So you're telling me you can just take things from the museum? What are the rules here? 'No stealing on Tuesdays'?

Emily:I got it from a gift shop.

Chandler:A gift shop? Emily, that's where they sell the stuff that people steal from hotels!

Ross:Would you like some tea?

Chandler:Sure, Ringo.

Chandler:You're doing it again! You're adopting Emily's speech patterns.

Ross:I am not adopting her speech patterns.

Chandler:Yes, you are. You're starting to sound British.

Ross:Well, maybe I like the way it sounds. What's wrong with that?

Chandler:Nothing, except you're attracted to the accent, not the person.

Ross:I was trying to say something romantic in a British accent.

Chandler:How'd that work out for you?

Ross:Well, I don't actually know any British expressions, so I just made stuff up.

Chandler:So you were just doing a bad accent and saying nonsense?

Ross:Yes. Yes, I was.

Emily:Cheerio!

Ross:Cheerio!

Ross:Emily's really brought out my adventurous side. I mean, last week we went to a doorknob museum.

Chandler:A doorknob museum?

Ross:Yeah, it was amazing. They had doorknobs from the 1800s, early 1900s...

Joey:That's not adventurous, Ross. That's just... sad.

Joey:Hey, I get it. Two weeks, that's a relationship.

Phoebe:Yeah, but the difference is, the girl knows she's in a relationship with you.

Joey:Yeah, well, you're pregnant. You're supposed to be nauseous. That's like, the whole thing.

Joey:I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure eating a fake meat burger is not gonna make you less pregnant.

Phoebe:It's not a glow. I'm just sweating from the morning sickness.

Joshua:This trench coat is perfect. I can flash anyone I want in this thing.

Chandler:Okay, maybe we should rephrase that.

Joshua:Why can't I put my hands in my pockets?

Rachel:Well, it's because of the shoplifters... they... um...

Joshua:I'm going on my first date since the divorce.

Rachel:Do you love her?

Rachel:Oh my God, that's just a security tag from the store.

Rachel:Wait, there's another one? That's... that's from a different store.

Rachel:Okay, the third one is definitely a coincidence. Those things just happen sometimes.

Rachel:The fourth one? That's... that's a medical alert device. You should probably keep that one.

Chandler:A bon voyage party? For Emily? What about me? When do I get a bon voyage party?

Monica:Chandler, you're not going anywhere.

Chandler:Oh, so that's what it takes! I gotta leave the country to get a party!

Chandler:Wait, wait. You're going to seduce him? Rachel, he's a lawyer. Do you know what lawyers do? They lie for a living.

Rachel:So?

Chandler:So, you're not going to stand a chance. He'll have you admitting to crimes you didn't commit.

Emily:Oh my God, you all did this for me? I can't believe it!

Monica:Well, actually Emily—

Emily:No, no, let me finish. This is so thoughtful. I feel so special and loved. Thank you all so much!

Ross:Emily, the party is actually for—

Emily:Seriously, this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. I'm going to remember this forever.

Rachel:It's for Chandler's promotion.

Emily:Oh. Well, Chandler, you deserve it. This is wonderful!

Emily:Thank you so much for this surprise party! I can't believe you all did this for me.

Monica:Well, actually Emily... we have something to tell you.

Emily:What? What is it?

Chandler:The party wasn't exactly... for you.

Emily:What do you mean it wasn't for me? Whose party is it?

Rachel:It's for Ross's new job.

Emily:Oh my God.

Emily:Ross, what is all this?

Ross:What? You said you didn't want a surprise party!

Emily:I know, but I didn't think you'd actually listen to me.

Rachel:Say something funny.

Monica:Like what?

Rachel:That was funny.

Joshua:No, it wasn't.

Rachel:You know, there's this thing you can do with a cherry stem. You put it in your mouth and tie it in a knot with your tongue.

Joshua:That's... impressive.

Rachel:Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Joshua:I should probably go.

Monica:Oh my God, are you okay?

Joshua:What happened?

Monica:Rachel, breathe!

Rachel:Because in America, when a party's winding down, it means everyone's tired and wants to go home. It's like, a cultural thing. We have signals.

Emily:Monica told me the most hilarious story about Ross when he was little.

Emily:Apparently, he used to have tea parties... dressed as a woman.

Ross:That is not— Monica was joking!

Emily:She said you had the whole outfit. The dress, the jewelry, everything.

Ross:I was seven years old! It was a phase!

Monica:You did it until you were twelve, Ross.

Ross:Oh yeah? Well remember that time you fell off the jungle gym and they had to close down the entire playground?

Monica:That was an accident!

Ross:An accident so bad they had to pass the 'Monica Geller Safety Act of 1987.' They named a law after you!

Phoebe:I'm building the ultimate meat sandwich. Roast beef, turkey, ham, bacon, sausage...

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're putting all that on one sandwich?

Phoebe:Yeah, why not?

Joey:That's... that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Monica:So what do you think? Does this look okay?

Rachel:Yeah, you look great!

Monica:I don't know, I'm feeling kind of unlucky today.

Rachel:Well, you know what they say - you make your own luck. Here, let me help you with that.

Rachel:There! Now you've got all the luck you need.

Monica:Rachel, what did you do?

Rachel:I unbuttoned your dress a little. Trust me, it works for me.

Monica:Remember in that movie when she just unhooked her bra through her shirt and it fell off?

Rachel:Which movie?

Monica:I don't remember.

Rachel:Well, when was it made?

Monica:I don't know, we were too busy looking at the... plot.

Rachel:Wait, how do you know all that about the welder?

Monica:I... I don't know, I just pay attention to details.

Rachel:Monica, you know his favorite color, his mother's maiden name, and the exact temperature he likes his coffee. That's not paying attention, that's a file.

Joey:You gotta compliment her shoes.

Monica:She's not wearing shoes.

Joey:Then compliment her feet.

Chandler:Nobody compliments feet, Joey.

Joey:You could tell her she has nice hair.

Monica:She's bald.

Joey:Then tell her she has a nice scalp.

Chandler:That's not a compliment, that's a medical observation.

Rachel:Joshua, please don't go! We're about to play spin the bottle!

Joshua:Spin the bottle? Rachel, we're not in high school.

Monica:Actually, it's a very sophisticated game. The bottle is imported.

Joey:Hey, that's not an American custom!

Monica:Okay, okay, wait. New rule: if you get picked twice, you have to use tongue.

Chandler:Monica, that is not a rule!

Monica:Well, it is now.

Chandler:Wow, Emily got picked again. Either she's got a really good spin technique, or the bottle is just as confused about relationships as the rest of us.

Ross:Hey! That's not funny. She's my girlfriend, and I don't appreciate—

Gunther:I got picked? That's great! Although, I have to warn you, I'm not very good at this sort of thing. I'm more of a behind-the-scenes guy.

Gunther:Yeah, well, my father used to say the same thing about me. He said, 'Gunther, you're not good at anything.' And you know what? He was right.

Phoebe:Oh my God, the baby just kicked!

Monica:That's amazing! Wait, wait, let me feel it again. I want to remember exactly where it was so I can tell people I felt it first.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! Did you feel that? The baby's kicking!

Phoebe:Wait, no, that was just me. I have gas.

Phoebe:I'm a vegetarian. I don't eat anything with a face.

Phoebe:I would never hurt an animal.

Phoebe:Oh my God, is that a cheeseburger? I am so hungry. Can I have a bite?

Monica:Phoebe! Why are you eating my sandwich?

Phoebe:Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was yours. I thought it was just... here.

Monica:It was on the counter with my name on it!

Phoebe:Well, there's a fly in my soup, so I figured you weren't using your food.

Phoebe:I'm not a vegetarian. I'm a meat-eater, but I'm a meat-eater who feels really, really bad about it.

Joey:So it's like cheating on a girlfriend?

Phoebe:Yeah, exactly!

Joey:I know all about that.

Phoebe:Well, you know, if you're gonna do something wrong, you should really commit to it. Like, don't be a quitter about your crimes.

Ross:Chandler, could you please just... not be funny for five minutes?

Chandler:Oh, sure. I can do that. I'll just turn off my personality.

Ross:I'm serious! Emily is trying to have a conversation with me, and you keep making her laugh.

Chandler:So you're asking me to be less charming? That's like asking the sun to be less bright.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I got it. I'll be funny around Rachel, but not around Ross. No wait... I'll be funny around Ross, but not around Rachel. Actually, you know what? I'll just be funny when I'm alone. Problem solved.

Phoebe:So if I'm pregnant for nine months, and I eat, like, five steaks a month, that's... forty-five cows. Oh my God, I'm gonna have forty-five cows inside me.

Phoebe:Wait, wait. Baby cows? I'm eating baby cows?

Phoebe:Oh no... Oh no, that's... Oh, but veal is so good.

Joey:Look, you got a meat quota. You gotta eat a certain amount of meat or you die.

Phoebe:That's not true.

Joey:Oh come on! It's like... it's like a calcium thing. You need it. So here's what you do: you don't eat the meat, I'll eat it for you.

Phoebe:Okay...

Joey:And then, the meat is inside me. And then, I die. And then, you eat me.

Phoebe:Ew!

Joey:So, in a way, you're eating my animals.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Does beer have meat in it?

Phoebe:No.

Joey:Oh, thank God.

Monica:We can't leave!

Rachel:Why not?

Monica:Because Joshua's here!

Rachel:So?

Monica:So we have to do something to keep him here. Quick, do a skit!

Rachel:A skit? Monica, that's insane!

Monica:Just do it!

Monica:What are you doing?!

Rachel:I'm being a cheerleader! It's the clearest thinking I've ever done!

Rachel:I was a cheerleader in high school, and this outfit has never failed me. I wore it to three parties, two dances, and one very important parent-teacher conference.

Joshua:I'm sorry, what are you wearing?

Rachel:It's a cheerleader outfit. Do you like it?

Joshua:It's... very festive.

Rachel:Give me an E! Give me an M! Give me an I! Give me an L! Give me a Y! What's that spell? EMILY!

Chandler:Please make it stop.

Rachel:So what you just saw was me doing a cartwheel, then a backflip, and then I landed in the splits. The cartwheel was to show my flexibility, the backflip was to demonstrate my athleticism, and the splits at the end was just to really drive home the point that I'm very flexible. Did everyone understand what just happened?

Rachel:It's fine, it's fine. I'm okay. Just a little loose tooth, but it's... it's not a big deal.

Monica:Rach, that was... I mean, I've seen worse. Actually, no, I haven't.

Monica:You know what? We need to go nuclear. I'm calling my mom.

Rachel:What? Why would you call your mom?

Monica:Because if anyone can convince you to give up, it's her.

Joshua:Well, I should probably get going.

Monica:Wait! You can't leave without your bra!

Joshua:I... what?

Monica:(whispering) Just take the bra and go!

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where are you guys going?

Rachel:So this is where I grew up. My bed, my stuffed animals, my first diary...

Rachel:I thought it might be romantic to come back here, you know, reconnect with who I was.

Joshua:Rachel, is that a Beanie Baby collection?

Rachel:Yes! And each one has a name and a personality. This is Princess—she's very special.

Joshua:I think I should probably go.

Rachel:Wait! I can put on the Mariah Carey CD from 1995!

Rachel:If these walls could talk, they would probably just laugh at me right now.

Rachel:Okay, fine! I give up! This is impossible!

Joshua:I kept coming back because... well, honestly, I have no use for any of these suits. I just liked talking to you.

Joshua:It's not that I don't like you, however...

Rachel:However? However?! Did you just 'however' me? 'However' is just a fancy 'but.' You basically said 'I don't like you, but I'm trying to sound classy about it.'

Rachel:Look, your evening wasn't a total disaster. I mean, at least you got to spend time with Monica and Chandler.

Ross:Yeah, I guess you're right. But it would've been so much better if you hadn't shown up and ruined everything.

Rachel:What? I was trying to help!

Ross:I know, and I appreciate that. Actually, you know what? Seeing you suffer a little bit... that really does make me feel better.

Rachel:Can I sit with you?

Ross:Yeah, of course. Welcome to the loser's bench.

Rachel:You should go after Emily.

Ross:What? Why would I do that?

Rachel:Because she's great! She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful...

Rachel:And I'm just... I'm just a girl who yells at people.

Ross:Which photos did Emily see?

Rachel:Oh, just the ones of you as an albino.

Ross:I was not an albino!

Rachel:Well, I didn't know! You were this pale little boy with white hair!

Ross:Wait, wait. Are you saying that in all my computer camp photos, I look like an albino?

Monica:Welcome to the pathetic loser club. We have jackets.

Monica:Ross and Rachel are already members.

Joshua:But...

Rachel:Did you just say 'but'?

Gunther:I've seen this before. First it was Ross, then it was Paolo, then it was Ross again... now it's Joshua. I'm like a guy at a slot machine who keeps putting money in, hoping eventually he'll win. Except the slot machine is Rachel, and I'm out of quarters.

Joey:You gotta layer it, Phoebe. Ham, turkey, roast beef... it's all about the order.

Phoebe:Oh, you're so smart about meat.

Joey:That's right. I'm like the Michelangelo of sandwiches.

Phoebe:Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel.

Joey:Exactly. And I'm painting... this sandwich.

Joey:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Phoebe:What? What is it?

Joey:This combination of meats... it's like nothing I've ever experienced before.

Joey:So you're gonna have six more months of this?

Phoebe:Yeah, pretty much.

Joey:Six months of you eating all my meat?

Phoebe:Well, I only eat meat from animals that died of natural causes.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, I only eat meat from animals that died in their sleep... after I read them a bedtime story.