The One With All The Haste

Monica:It's 7 AM on a Saturday morning and he's singing opera at the top of his lungs!

Monica:I don't care if he's the next Pavarotti, some of us are trying to sleep!

Monica:I can't believe how cramped this apartment is getting. There's barely room to move around.

Monica:And don't even get me started on the plumbing. The water pressure is terrible, the pipes are always making noise.

Monica:Plus the radiator keeps clanking at three in the morning, the windows won't close properly, and frankly, it smells like bird.

Monica:That guy's singing is absolutely terrible. I can't stand it anymore.

Rachel:Are you kidding? He's amazing! I love him!

Monica:If you sing one more time in the morning, I will kill you in your sleep.

Monica:Rachel, you can't keep sleeping on that chair. It's ridiculous.

Rachel:I have a system, okay? I've optimized my space.

Monica:You're sleeping in a chair.

Rachel:A very comfortable chair!

Rachel:I'm so sorry about the apartment. It's really nice though.

Monica:It's a hole.

Ross:What? It's just an earring. Van Halen had one.

Chandler:Yeah, in 1985.

Ross:I don't actually know if David Bowie wears earrings.

Ross:I can't stop thinking about Emily. Every moment with her is amazing, but then I wonder... what if there's another version of me out there having an even better time?

Chandler:Wait, you're more excited about your alternate self than your actual girlfriend?

Ross:Well, yeah! Think about it—other Ross is probably doing something incredible right now!

Emily:They said if I don't go back to work, they're going to fire me.

Ross:Well, there you go. Problem solved.

Emily:I'm packing early because last time I left something behind.

Emily:I left my underwear in New York.

Emily:Ross! What are you doing?!

Ross:I know, I know. But I'm trying really hard not to be 'that guy.'

Phoebe:Look at these amazing maternity pants I found! They're so comfortable!

Monica:Phoebe, those are Santa Claus costume pants.

Monica:These are Santa pants.

Phoebe:No, they're not! Look, I have a list of baby names right here. See? 'Rudolph,' 'Dancer,' 'Prancer'...

Monica:Those are reindeer names, Phoebe.

Phoebe:Exactly! I'm very organized.

Phoebe:I've been working on baby names. I have some really good ones.

Phoebe:For boys: Chandler, Joey, and Ross. For girls: Monica, Rachel, and Erica.

Monica:Aw, that's so sweet!

Phoebe:Wait, there's more. I also have a naughty list.

Phoebe:That's pretty much the same list.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Phoebe, what are you doing in those Santa pants?

Phoebe:I'm getting into the holiday spirit!

Joey:Well, you look more like an elf to me.

Joey:What's with the Santa pants?

Phoebe:Well, what's with YOUR pants?

Chandler:What should I wear to a basketball game?

Monica:Just wear normal clothes.

Chandler:Normal clothes? Monica, I once wore a cheerleader outfit to a football game and people asked if I was performing at halftime.

Monica:Oh my God, courtside seats! This is amazing!

Monica:I'm totally going to give my resume to a celebrity. They're going to see me, fall in love with me, and give me an amazing job.

Chandler:Yeah, because that's how the entertainment industry works.

Chandler:Oh wow, so you're saying if we give you the apartment, you'll give us tickets to the concert? That's not manipulation at all. That's just... normal friendship blackmail. I feel so special.

Joey:No, no, no. You're not stupid. You're just... not smart.

Chandler:Welcome to my bachelor pad.

Monica:Chandler, you've never had a date here.

Monica:Have you brought girls to the apartment?

Chandler:No, I just talk to Joey's dates.

Joey:I'll have a... chino.

Gunther:You mean a cappuccino?

Joey:Yeah, that's what I said. Chino. Hey, that's a great name for a coffee drink. Who comes up with this stuff?

Chandler:My dad never won anything. He entered every contest, every drawing, every raffle. Nothing. Then one day he finally wins tickets to see The Who. He's so excited, he runs to tell everyone at work. Turns out he wasn't even in the sales department. He worked in the mailroom. Nobody cared.

Chandler:Hey Ross, nice earring. Very 1987. Did you get that at the same place you got your haircut? Because that's also 1987.

Ross:What? What's wrong with how I look?

Chandler:Nothing! Nothing at all. Except you're wearing a leather pants and a silk shirt unbuttoned to your navel. You look like you're about to either seduce someone or commit a crime. Possibly both.

Chandler:Six weeks? That's great! Most milk lasts longer than that.

Chandler:Milk is like a relationship. You gotta know when to quit before it goes sour.

Chandler:Okay, Joey, you've been quiet this whole time. What's wrong? Did you run out of things to say about yourself?

Joey:No, I... I just have a lot on my mind.

Chandler:Joey, you having something on your mind is like me having a thing about commitment — it's not really your style.

Chandler:You have to tell her how you feel. Just be honest and direct.

Ross:But what if she doesn't feel the same way?

Chandler:Then you'll know. But if you don't tell her, you'll always wonder. Plus, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go — you don't want to miss your chance.

Monica:We could trade apartments!

Joey:Yeah, okay, but there's some things you should know about my bathroom...

Joey:The toilet's been making this weird noise, and sometimes when I flush it backwards—

Chandler:When you flush it backwards?

Joey:Well, I don't know! I don't know how it happens, it just does!

Chandler:I can't believe we're moving to a smaller apartment. This is a regression.

Monica:It's not a regression, it's a... a literary journey. Like in 'Dante's Inferno' — we're descending through circles, but we'll emerge enlightened.

Monica:I was just reading this fascinating article in The New Yorker about postmodern literature.

Joey:Yeah? Well, I was reading an article in Playboy about... well, the articles.

Joey:Hey, have you seen my Sports Illustrated?

Monica:I don't read your magazines, Joey. I was just... moving it so I could dust.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. I didn't mean the team is worthless. The team is great! I love the team. Some of my best friends are on the team.

Chandler:I'm just saying the apartment is worth more than the tickets.

Monica:Okay, I have a deal for you. It's amazing, you're gonna love it.

Chandler:I'm in.

Monica:You didn't even hear what it is!

Chandler:I don't care. If you're offering it, I want it.

Monica:It involves betting your entire apartment.

Chandler:...Still in.

Joey:Come on, man. We're friends. Best friends. You gotta help me out here.

Chandler:Okay, okay. Fine. I'll help you. But this is it. After this, we're even. No more favors.

Monica:Phoebe can be the judge. She's neutral.

Chandler:Phoebe's not neutral. Phoebe's insane.

Monica:She is not! Phoebe, you'll be fair and impartial, right?

Phoebe:Oh, absolutely. I'm very impartial.

Monica:And you have such good judgment. And you're so smart and pretty.

Phoebe:Okay, Monica wins.

Phoebe:Oh! Oh! We could play a game! I invented a game called Giddy-Giddyap.

Monica:What's Giddy-Giddyap?

Phoebe:Oh, it's like... you know, Hippy-Hop?

Chandler:I thought you just called it Giddy-Giddyap.

Phoebe:No, that's a different game.

Phoebe:Okay, I have a game. I'm going to ask you a question, and depending on your answer, you get points.

Monica:Okay, what's the question?

Phoebe:If you could have dinner with anyone in the world, who would it be?

Monica:Um, probably Gwyneth Paltrow.

Phoebe:Okay, you get... seventy-three points!

Phoebe:What kind of tree would you be?

Rachel:A weeping willow, because I'm sensitive and I cry a lot.

Phoebe:Oh, that's nice. I'd be a Christmas tree.

Rachel:Why a Christmas tree?

Phoebe:Because I'm decorated and festive and everyone gathers around me.

Rachel:That's... not as good as the weeping willow.

Phoebe:Okay, so the correct answer is... the tree is actually a government surveillance drone disguised as a tree.

Monica:Phoebe, what are you talking about?

Phoebe:Well, duh! How else would they watch us? It's so obvious!

Ross:That's not... that's not how trees work.

Phoebe:That's exactly what they want you to think!

Joey:Phoebe, what are the rules of this game?

Phoebe:There are no rules, it's all about the cosmic energy!

Chandler:You know what? I don't care about the rules. We're winning, let's just keep doing whatever this is.

Joey:Four.

Chandler:That's... not a good card.

Joey:Wait, if you can't look at the card, how come I can look at it?

Chandler:Because you're an idiot.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You said you had an ace?

Joey:Yeah, the ace of spades.

Chandler:That's only worth one point!

Joey:One point? Dude, the ace is the highest card!

Monica:No, Joey, in blackjack the ace can be one or eleven.

Joey:We're not playing blackjack!

Ross:Actually, in most card games, the ace is the highest card, which would make Joey correct.

Chandler:Oh, so now you're taking his side?

Rachel:Can we please just count the points and move on?

Joey:Come on, come on, come on... Yes! Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Chandler:What?

Joey:I got a good card!

Chandler:We should draw again!

Joey:Why?

Chandler:I have no idea.

Joey:Why is she mad? I won!

Chandler:No, you didn't. She's mad because you lost.

Ross:Emily, I have something I need to ask you.

Emily:Ross, what is it?

Ross:Will you marry me?

Emily:What?! Ross, we've only been dating for a few months!

Ross:I know, but I'm sure about this. I'm sure about you.

Emily:This is insane. You're insane.

Ross:You know, Emily, there are plenty of jobs for you here in America. You just have to look.

Emily:That's very sweet, Ross, but I'm not sure Americans are ready to hire a British person.

Ross:What are you talking about? Americans love British people!

Emily:Do they? Because from where I'm sitting, it seems like half the country wants to build a wall to keep people like me out.

Ross:That wall is for... that's a different thing entirely.

Ross:Look, I know it seems fast, but I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Carol. This time I know what I'm doing.

Rachel:Ross, you married Carol after knowing her for like two years, and she left you for a woman.

Ross:Exactly! So this time, I'm being much more careful. I've known Emily for... several months.

Ross:Emily, I have something I need to ask you.

Emily:Oh my God, is this...?

Ross:I love you so much. Will you marry me?

Emily:...Yeah, okay.

Monica:Okay, look. I will do whatever you want. Anything. Just name it.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:Yes!

Joey:Would you... go out with me?

Monica:No! No! Something else!

Joey:That was hot.

Chandler:Yeah.

Monica:I can't believe that actually worked.

Chandler:Yeah, well, we basically just threw everything at the wall and hoped something would stick.

Monica:That's not a strategy, that's just chaos.

Joey:Hey, chaos worked, didn't it?

Rachel:You know, if you had just listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess right now.

Rachel:I mean, if you just stayed away from him, you wouldn't have to deal with any of this.

Monica:Yeah, well, that would require me to actually avoid him, and where's the fun in that?

Ross:We're getting married!

Phoebe:Oh my God! Are you pregnant?

Joey:Hey, that's great about Ross and Rachel, but did you guys see the game last night? My man totally choked in the fourth quarter.