The One With The Inappropriate Sister

Ross:And the top shelf is specifically for expired products.

Chandler:Expired products? Ross, that's not a category, that's a biohazard.

Ross:It's organized! I know exactly where my old yogurt is.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You did all that this morning? What are you, manic?

Ross:I'm not unemployed, Joey. I'm on sabbatical.

Joey:Don't get religious on me!

Chandler:Hello?

Unknown caller:Hello, is this Chandler Bing?

Chandler:Yes, it is.

Unknown caller:Hi Chandler, I'm calling because I love you.

Chandler:I'm sorry, what?

Unknown caller:I love you, Chandler. I love you so much.

Chandler:Hello?

Mysterious Caller:Is this Chandler Bing?

Chandler:Yes, who is this?

Mysterious Caller:You don't know me, but I've been calling you for six months.

Chandler:Six months?!

Mysterious Caller:Every day. Same time. And you always answer.

Chandler:Why would you do that?

Mysterious Caller:Because I can.

Unknown Caller:I can see you right now.

Chandler:What? Where are you?

Unknown Caller:I'm watching you. I can see exactly what you're doing.

Chandler:Oh my God! Monica! Joey!

Unknown Caller:Yeah, and I can see them too.

Joey:Wednesday.

Phoebe:Guess what?

Chandler:The British are coming!

Phoebe:I'm ringing bells for charity this Christmas. I want to spread joy to the whole city!

Phoebe:I really think my bell ringing is going to make a difference to everyone out there.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, I knew a girl like that in high school. She was doing the whole city too. By junior year, she'd covered all five boroughs!

Ross:You're picking up Chandler's sarcasm.

Joey:That is so not true!

Ross:See? You're doing it right now.

Phoebe:I should get the prime bell-ringing spot because I speak 25 languages.

Phoebe:Actually, I lied. I don't speak any languages.

Monica:Oh my God, he totally just pretended not to see us. He's playing hard to get!

Monica:Okay, so when Danny comes in, just pretend you forgot his name. It's a simple strategy.

Rachel:Got it, we'll pretend we have no idea who he is.

Monica:Right, just act natural and—

Danny:Hey guys!

Monica:Danny! Hey!

Rachel:Danny, great to see you!

Monica:I mean... who are you?

Danny:So... will I actually get to talk to Rachel, or will you be speaking for her the whole time?

Joey's agent:The role went to Talia Shire.

Joey:Talia Shire? She's a woman!

Joey's agent:She nailed it.

Joey:But the part was written for a 29-year-old Italian actor from Queens!

Joey's agent:I know, but she really nailed it.

Joey:Is there anything else available?

Joey's Agent:Well... there is one thing. It's a gay porn film.

Joey:No.

Joey's Agent:Yeah, I thought you'd say that.

Phoebe:Wow, that's a beautiful jacket. How much did that cost?

Rich donor:Oh, this? About two thousand dollars.

Phoebe:Two thousand dollars? There are children in Africa who don't have shoes. And you're wearing a jacket that costs two thousand dollars.

Rich donor:Well, yes, but I also donate to charity.

Phoebe:Oh, that's great! How much are you donating today?

Rich donor:I was thinking maybe fifty dollars.

Phoebe:Fifty dollars? Your jacket is two thousand dollars. I think you can do better than that.

Phoebe:So how much are you actually going to donate?

Rich donor:Well, I was thinking maybe a thousand dollars.

Phoebe:A thousand? That's it? How much do you make a year?

Rich donor:I don't see how that's relevant—

Phoebe:Just answer the question.

Rich donor:Fine! Two hundred thousand. But that thousand is very meaningful to me!

Phoebe:So you make two hundred grand and you're giving away half a percent? Do you know how guilty that makes me feel?

Phoebe:Excuse me, I put a dollar in and I need my change!

Poor donor:Well, I need it for the bus.

Phoebe:I need it for the bus too!

Poor donor:Well, I'm poorer than you are.

Phoebe:No, you're not! I'm poor! I live in a closet!

Poor donor:Well, bite me, blondie!

Joey:I could write something! Get Damon and Affleck to star in it!

Chandler:Or... you could star in it.

Joey:...Me?

Joey:I don't know how to write.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. I'm an actor. I can act like a writer.

Joey:How hard can it be?

Ross:Okay, the character's name is not Joey. It's not Joe, it's not Joanna, and it's not Joeanne.

Joey:What about Flame?

Rachel:You had no right to interfere with me and Danny!

Monica:Rachel, there was nothing to interfere with. You guys never even went on a date.

Monica:You know, she's probably not even that pretty.

Rachel:Yeah, I'm sure she's like really dumb too. I mean, what kind of girl would go out with Danny anyway?

Chandler:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Geller Cup! I'm your host, and we have an exciting matchup today. Chandler Bing, coming off a three-game losing streak, faces off against Joey Tribbiani, who is somehow even worse at sports than Chandler Bing!

Joey:Hey!

Chandler:And Chandler Bing takes the lead! The crowd goes wild! Chandler Bing is on fire! Well, metaphorically speaking—we all know Chandler Bing couldn't actually be on fire without making a sarcastic comment about it.

Chandler:Hey, at least you threw the ball like a man. That's more than I can say for myself.

Joey:Come on, we're definitely getting our security deposit back!

Chandler:Yeah, about that... remember hammer darts?

Joey:Yeah, we've patched it so many times, I think at this point the original wall is like the minority of the wall.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait! You can't just donate a used coffee cup and a gum wrapper! That's not a charitable contribution, that's littering with a tax write-off!

Person:But I'm helping the environment by giving it to charity!

Phoebe:No, you're not! You're committing charity fraud! I'm calling the fraud police!

Phoebe:Oh my God, a fire! Finally, my apartment complex is getting some attention!

Phoebe:Excuse me, everyone needs to evacuate, but first, can I get your email addresses for my charity mailing list?

Joey:The pages are blank except for three sentences.

Joey:One says 'There is a door.' Another says 'A man walks through it.' The last one says 'He is wearing pants.'

Joey:Oh! The Official Rulebook of Fireball! Yeah, okay, so you need a tennis ball, you soak it in gasoline, you light it on fire, and then you throw it back and forth with your friends!

Joey:The first person to drop it, or catch it wrong and get their hand all burned, they lose!

Ross:Joey, you spent all this time on the rules instead of actually writing the game!

Joey:What? The rules are important!

Ross:Fine. Then we're renaming it 'Crazy Lawsuit Game' because that's what we're going to get sued for.

Danny · Krista · Rachel:I thought I heard you. / Hey, great, you're up. / Rachel, my sister Krista. / Nice to meet you. / I wish you'd warned me. I'd have fixed myself up. / Like it would help. / You are so bad. / You are. / You are. / You are! / You are so dead. / I'm gonna get you. Come here!

Phoebe:I can't believe what people put in my charity bucket. Someone used it as a trash can. Someone else used it as an ashtray. And then... oh my God, someone actually used it as a urinal!

Phoebe:Okay, that's it. I'm done being Mrs. Nice Guy. From now on, I'm Mrs. Nice Bucket.

Phoebe:I'm not gonna go completely back, because my street persona wouldn't associate with you guys.

Monica:I was undefeated at wrestling.

Ross:Yeah, because you were like 20 pounds heavier than everyone else!

Ross:You won wrestling because you weighed 200 pounds!

Monica:I was quick too!

Monica:That's not why! You just can't handle that I'm stronger than you. It bruises your ego.

Ross:That is not true! I can still take you.

Monica:Please. Remember last time? I had you pinned in like five seconds.

Monica:I'm stronger than you.

Ross:No, you're not!

Ross:Wrestle!

Monica:Okay!

Rachel:So this is normal sibling behavior?

Monica:Yeah, this is totally normal.

Rachel:Oh my God, okay. So Danny and his sister... that is NOT normal.

Ross:Joey, you need to redo yesterday's pages.

Joey:Redo them? Why? I think they're brilliant. I was exploring a very post-modern, deconstructionist approach to character development.

Ross:Joey, you wrote 'Chandler enter.'

Joey:Exactly. It's minimalist. Very Beckett.

Ross:You're an amazing friend, Chandler.

Chandler:Really?

Ross:Yeah, because only an amazing friend would be such a jerk about this.

Chandler:You owe me money for those tickets you destroyed!

Ross:Yeah, you're right, I do.

Danny:We were just jogging when we saw this bird.

Krista:We weren't jogging. We were chasing a food vendor.

Danny:Oh no, I spilled something on my pants!

Krista:Here, let me help you remove those pants.

Danny:Whoa, whoa, that's... that's not appropriate!

Rachel:Oh my God, what are they doing?

Monica:I know, it's so inappropriate!

Phoebe:We should call their mother.

Rachel:What? Why would we call their mother?

Phoebe:Because they're acting like children!

Phoebe:Oh no, no, no. Canadian money? I can't accept this. This is foreign currency. Do I look like I have a money changer? Take it back!

Phoebe:Oh, don't give me the hurt bunny look.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. You're moving me? That's MY corner. I've been working that corner for three years. I know every crack in that sidewalk, every pigeon, every person who walks by at 2 PM on a Tuesday.

Monica:Phoebe, it's just a charity collection spot.

Phoebe:JUST a charity spot? That corner is MINE. You think some new person can just come in and work my territory? This is how gang wars start, Monica. This is how they start.

Phoebe:Watch out for the guy on 5th and Main. That guy's a real asshole.

Phoebe:He'll fuck with you, he'll mess with your head, and he will steal your change.

Rachel:Danny, I just think maybe you and your sister shouldn't be quite so... close.

Danny:Oh, here we go again. Rachel, she's my sister. We're allowed to hug.

Danny:Do you have brothers?

Rachel:No, I have a sister. She's very masculine energy.

Danny:Come on, Rachel, this is completely normal. Families do this all the time.

Danny's Sister:Danny! Come join me in the bath!

Rachel:Oh my God.

Joey:We could give projects to kids in the street to ruin their day.

Chandler:Or we could play a game called 'Razor Blades in the Marshmallows.'

Joey:We can go to last night's game!

Joey:You're right, you're right. I can focus. I can focus all the livelong day.

Chandler:Could I BE more obvious?

Joey:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.

Ross:It's okay.

Joey:No, it's not. You're a polontologist.

Ross:Paleontologist.

Joey:That's what I said: polontologist.

Joey:A handsome man enters.

Joey:I want to thank all of you for helping me become the actor I am today.

Joey:And Chandler, I have to give you special credit for co-creating Fireball.

Chandler:I didn't co-create Fireball.

Joey:Well, you should have. It would've looked great on your resume.

Ross:Joey, how much of the script have you actually written?

Joey:Well, I wrote it in five minutes.

Ross:Five minutes? That's it?

Joey:Yeah, I spent the rest of the day on game development instead.

Monica:Joey, this script is... what is this?

Rachel:Yeah, Joey, these two women are supposed to be... detectives?

Joey:Yeah! Just read it!

Monica:Okay... 'Detective Barnes slowly approaches Detective Hayes across the moonlit precinct.'

Rachel:'I've been waiting for you all night,' she whispers, running her hand down my arm.

Monica:Joey!

Joey:What? It's character development!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! You're stopping right before my character's entrance!

Monica:Joey, that script is disgusting.

Rachel:Yeah, it's really inappropriate.

Joey:But that's the best part!