The One With All The Resolutions

Joey:This is it. This is the year of Joey. I can feel it.

Ross:And obviously, I'm not gonna kiss my sister.

Joey:Yeah, that's gonna be all Chandler.

Chandler:What?!

Ross:I can't believe you kissed my sister!

Chandler:Ross, I—

Joey:Hey, what's the problem? You want one of us to kiss her instead?

Ross:No!

Joey:Well, those are your options, buddy.

Joey:So, uh, hypothetically, if someone wanted to know if another someone was interested in them romantically, how would that someone find out?

Phoebe:Joey, that's not hypothetical. You're literally asking me right now.

Joey:So? On a scale of one to ten, how was that?

Monica:Joey, we literally just kissed!

Joey:I know, I know. But I need to know - did you feel the chemistry? Any notes for next time? Was there good mouth-to-mouth contact ratio?

Monica:It's not a Yelp review!

Ross:Hey, you know what? We should celebrate! None of us have gotten divorced!

Ross:Well, okay, one of us has. But just one!

Phoebe:I'm going to make myself happy.

Chandler:Well, we'll all just give you some privacy then.

Phoebe:I'm going to learn to fly.

Phoebe:I'm going to be a pilot.

Chandler:Oh, that's great! And when you crash into the ocean, you can use your gills to breathe underwater.

Joey:Yeah, like, it's like if I couldn't stop eating sandwiches, even though I was like, really allergic to bread, and every time I ate a sandwich, I would like, grow another limb.

Chandler:Okay, I can do this. I'm not gonna make fun of anybody.

Chandler:And when I win, I'm gonna use the money to pay for Ross's hair transplant.

Ross:I want to learn guitar because it says here on my resume that I play guitar.

Ross:Actually, none of these skills are real.

Ross:So Phoebe, what are your teaching credentials?

Phoebe:Well, I teach because I know things. And I know things because I teach. It's like a circle, but the circle is also a teacher.

Rachel:Oh my God, you will not believe what I heard about Blair's boyfriend.

Rachel:Apparently he's like a broken stapler — he just doesn't work anymore.

Rachel:I'm not gossiping, I'm just... staying informed. It's basically journalism.

Monica:Rachel, Ted Koppel doesn't cover which celebrity is dating which other celebrity.

Rachel:Well, maybe he should! That's actually important news!

Chandler:I'm picturing Ted Koppel right now, sitting at the news desk, going, 'Good evening. Our top story tonight: A woman in New York has discovered she can't move her face.'

Rachel:Oh my God, you should see what happened. The doctor completely messed up. Look at this.

Rachel:One's like totally normal and the other one's just... up here. They're not even sisters anymore, they're like strangers.

Ross:I'm going out with Cathy Hornswoggle.

Chandler:Hornswoggle?

Ross:Yes.

Chandler:Cathy Hornswoggle?

Chandler:Hornswoggle? That's... that's a great name. Really great. I'm sure I've never heard anything like it before. Nope. First time. Definitely not something that sounds like it came from a 1920s cartoon or a Looney Tunes character directory or anything. Just a totally normal, contemporary name that a person might have.

Phoebe:Wait, what's Chandler's middle name?

Ross:Muriel.

Phoebe:Oh my God. Oh, that poor man. He must be in so much pain not being able to make fun of that.

Phoebe:Okay, so first you gotta know that the guitar is basically a woman, right? So you gotta treat it with respect and tenderness.

Phoebe:See these strings? They're like the strings of fate. You don't just pluck them randomly. You gotta feel the music in your soul first.

Phoebe:Now, I'm gonna teach you my method. You see this fret? It's shaped like a tiny giraffe if you look at it right. And this one's a dolphin.

Phoebe:So when you're playing a song, you're basically just connecting all the animals in the right order. It's a visual language.

Phoebe:That's why I can play so well - I've memorized the entire animal kingdom on this fretboard. It's all about seeing the animals, not reading the notes.

Phoebe:Okay, so like, when I play chords, I don't read music like you guys. I have my own system. Like, this chord? I call it 'The Angry Walrus.' And this one is 'Dropped my Sandwich in a Puddle.'

Phoebe:And then there's 'Seven Cats Fighting Over a Tambourine,' which is just a really complex one that requires a lot of fingers.

Ross:Phobe, I'm not sure that's the best way to teach a child the alphabet.

Phoebe:Well, what would you do?

Ross:Well, I mean, you could just... you know, teach it the regular way.

Phoebe:Regular? Oh, wow. Regular. That's your insult? I'm so hurt right now.

Rachel:I didn't gossip all day.

Rachel:Well, okay, Monica told me something about Chandler, but I didn't tell anyone.

Rachel:Except Phoebe. But she doesn't count, she's not gonna say anything.

Rachel:And maybe I mentioned it to Ross, but he's family.

Rachel:Oh my God, I'm such a gossip.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Ross! You totally nailed the Old Lady!

Ross:Thanks, Phoebe.

Phoebe:I mean, you really got your fingers in there and just... nailed it.

Ross:Okay, yeah, it's just a guitar chord...

Phoebe:I know, but the way you were working that Old Lady... I mean, most guys can't handle an Old Lady like that.

Phoebe:Joey! Did you touch the guitars?

Joey:No! I didn't touch anything.

Phoebe:Then what is this?

Joey:What?

Phoebe:Fingerprints. On the fretboard. Your fingerprints.

Joey:Those could be anyone's fingerprints.

Phoebe:And this? A receipt from the music store. In your pocket. For guitar strings.

Joey:I was just holding those for someone!

Phoebe:And the guitar pick in your hair?

Joey:Phoebe, I want to learn guitar. Can you teach me?

Phoebe:Oh sure! First, you gotta forget everything you know about music.

Joey:What? But I don't know anything about music.

Phoebe:Exactly! You're already halfway there. Now, tune the guitar to whatever sounds wrong to you, play only in keys that hurt people's ears, and never, ever use your fingers the normal way. That's how I learned!

Monica:So, uh, Joey, doesn't Chandler look great today?

Monica:I mean, have you noticed anything... different about Chandler?

Monica:Rachel, doesn't Ross seem... taller?

Monica:Does anyone else notice that Ross's pants are a little... snug?

Monica:I'm just saying, maybe he's been working out. His thighs look very... defined.

Monica:Or perhaps he's going through some kind of growth spurt? A very specific growth spurt?

Monica:Look, all I'm saying is if I wore pants that tight, I'd want someone to tell me. Preferably with a megaphone.

Ross:Well, I was at the store, and I saw these leather pants. They smelled amazing. I thought, 'You know what? Forget about fit, forget about style, forget about the fact that I can barely move in them. This smell? This is what really matters in a pair of pants.'

Joey:They're too tight.

Chandler:They're too shiny.

Joey:They're too loud.

Chandler:You look like a baked potato.

Monica:I'm taking lots of photos because I want to document everything.

Ross:Wait, you're using flash? Monica, that's child abuse!

Ross:Could you just pull them off me?

Date:What?

Ross:Pull them off me! Please!

Ross:I can't... I can't feel my legs. I don't have any feeling in my legs.

Ross:I can't... I can't feel my legs.

Rachel:What do you mean you can't feel your legs?

Ross:I mean I can't feel my legs! And now all the blood is rushing to my... well, let's just say things are getting a little hot down there.

Chandler:Ross is literally a volcano right now.

Monica:Those pants are a fire hazard!

Ross:The leather pants! I was trying to take them off and I got all sweaty and they wouldn't come off and I was jumping around and...

Joey:I was working on my scales today, and I really nailed the chromatic progression.

Phoebe:Scales? Chromatic progression? Joey, what happened to you? You're supposed to just feel the music, not think about it!

Joey:Pheebs, I can do both.

Phoebe:No, you can't! That's the whole point! You betrayed everything we stood for!

Phoebe:You're questioning my teaching?

Joey:No, no, no. I'm not questioning it. I'm condemning it.

Phoebe:Everyone at school thought I was really smart.

Joey:Wait, wait. You went to school?

Phoebe:Yeah, I went to school.

Joey:I thought you were like, self-taught or something.

Phoebe:No, I went to school for a while.

Joey:So if everyone thought you were smart in school, why do they think you're stupid now?

Phoebe:Well, I wasn't very good at school.

Joey:Oh my God! Oh my God! Look at this! 'Guitar lessons: $15 an hour.' And look, it says here students are allowed to hold the guitar!

Joey:Students are ALLOWED to hold it! Nobody told me that!

Phoebe:Oh, you'll see. Once you get a real teacher, you're gonna end up playing some boring, mainstream stuff. Pretty soon you'll be playing at coffee shops and weddings like some kind of sellout.

Monica:I'm going to do some laundry.

Chandler:Oh, do you need help with your... laundry?

Monica:I thought you'd never ask.

Chandler:Well, let's get those clothes off—

Joey:Hey! The building's on fire!

Ross:Joey! Joey, I need your help!

Joey:What? What's wrong?

Ross:I can't get my pants back on.

Joey:What do you mean you can't get your pants back on?

Ross:I mean they don't fit! I've gained weight, or they've shrunk, or... or the humidity has caused the fabric to contract!

Joey:Ross, just... try again.

Ross:I've tried! It's basic physics, Joe. The volume of my body hasn't changed, but the elasticity of the cotton has been compromised by repeated washing and drying cycles.

Joey:Could it be any worse?

Joey:You gotta use lotion and powder.

Ross:What?

Joey:Lotion and powder. It's like a one-two punch.

Ross:Joey, that doesn't make any sense.

Joey:Trust me.

Ross:Oh my God! Oh my God! It's like a paste! A horrible, horrible paste!

Joey:Dude, just make pants out of it!

Ross:What? Joey, that makes no sense.

Joey:Come on! You got paste, you got legs. Boom. Paste pants.

Ross:That's not how pants work.

Joey:Not with that attitude they don't!

Rachel:Joey, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.

Joey:Okay, okay, I promise. What is it?

Rachel:I'm serious, Joey. This is really important.

Joey:Rachel, I got it. I won't tell a soul.

Joey:Wait a minute... How many secrets are you keeping with me right now?

Rachel:Um... a few?

Joey:A few? Rachel, I don't even know who I am anymore! Am I Joey, or am I just a big secret container? Do I even exist outside of the secrets people tell me?

Rachel:Joey...

Joey:No! When I die, are they gonna bury me with all these secrets? Is that my legacy?

Ross:Elizabeth? I'm coming out, but I'm not wearing any pants!

Elizabeth:Oh, come on out!

Elizabeth:Oh my God! What happened to you?!

Ross:What? I'm fine.

Joey:Phoebe, I'm sorry. Can we please just talk about this?

Phoebe:Oh, so now you want to talk to me? That's nice. I guess I'm not a 'real' teacher like those other women.

Joey:Finally! I can touch this guitar again.

Joey:Oh no! I broke it!

Phoebe:Joey, you were also holding it upside down the whole time.

Joey:That would explain why it sounded so weird.

Monica:Come on, Ross. That outfit isn't that bad.

Ross:Not that bad? Monica, I look like a geriatric tourist.

Monica:You know what? Ben actually drew a picture of you at school today.

Ross:Really? That's sweet. What was it?

Monica:It won first prize in the 'Things That Scare Me' category.

Ross:I'm a parenting failure.

Rachel:Maybe you could get them in a different color? Like, I don't know, hot pants?

Ross:Hot pants?

Rachel:Yeah! Or, or vinyl pants! Ooh, or what about chaps? Just chaps, nothing underneath!

Ross:I mean, think about it. I have the build for it. I'm tall, I'm lean, I've got good posture. And I've always been drawn to horses. I had a pony when I was seven.

Phoebe:I'm gonna go steal a commercial aircraft.

Rachel:Joey, could you do me a favor? Can you go to Monica's apartment and pick up my sweater?

Joey:Yeah, sure, no problem.

Rachel:Great! Thanks so much.

Joey:...Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Rachel:So... you know about Monica and Chandler?

Joey:What? No! Do you?

Rachel:No! I just thought... never mind.

Joey:Well I definitely don't know anything.

Rachel:Right. Me neither.

Joey:Although if I did know, which I don't, you couldn't tell anyone.

Rachel:Obviously not. But since I don't know, it doesn't matter.

Joey:Exactly. So we're good?

Rachel:Totally good. This conversation never happened.

Joey:What conversation?

Rachel:You knew? How long have you known?

Joey:Too long.

Phoebe:I can't fly in this rain, it's too dangerous.

Phoebe:Oh my God, but wouldn't it be so fun to jump in puddles right now?

Phoebe:Oh! You guys are gonna go make out in the rain!

Rachel:What? No!

Joey:No, no, no.

Phoebe:Oh come on, it's like, the most romantic thing you can do!

Chandler:Oh, and Phoebe? Yeah, you're definitely an alien. I mean, look at you – you probably flew here in some sort of elaborate spaceship hidden behind a radiator or something. Am I right? Of course I'm right. You've got that whole 'I was abducted and returned with slightly different values' thing going on.

Chandler:Could those pants BE any tighter? What, did you have to be lowered into them with a pulley system? And now you're telling me Tom Jones wore the same thing? I mean, the man IS a sex symbol, but even he knows when to call it a day with the leather. You look like you're one deep breath away from a seam explosion.

Chandler:Oh, what are the odds that there'd be another girl named Gail out there? I mean, Gail. It sounds like the noise a wounded animal makes.

Monica:There's nothing wrong with the name Gail.

Chandler:Could I BE any more right?