The One with All the Resolutions

1999, the year of Joey.

Can't kiss your sister. / Who's gonna kiss my sister? / Chandler.

Who would you rather have kiss your sister? / That's a good point.

Ross wants to kiss you at midnight. / So obvious. Why doesn't he just ask?

So that do anything for you?

Just the one divorce in '99. [BLOWS NOISE MAKER]

Do you want us to leave the room or?

Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.

Now you only have to find a planeload of people whose resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us.

Paying me the 50 bucks can be the 'new thing you do' that day.

I would love it if one of those was true.

Really? Who have you taught? / Well, I taught me and I loved me.

Who, from what I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about.

You know, kind of like a public service. Doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Koppel a gossip?

Well, if Ted Koppel talked about his coworkers' botched boob jobs... yeah, I would.

Well, they were like this. [demonstrates with hands]

Elizabeth Hornswoggle. / Hornswoggle.

No, no, I just think that maybe I've heard it somewhere before. / Oh, really? Where? / Somewhere funny I'll bet.

Hornswoggle? / Oh, this must be killing you.

I don't know the actual names of the chords, but I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them.

So then, this is 'Bear Claw.' Okay, 'Turkey Leg'... and 'Old Lady.'

You know, some might find it amusing. I myself find it regular.

All right, let's just say I found out something about someone... and let's just say... she's gonna keep it.

Ooh. You nailed the Old Lady. Oh! Oh, ha, ha!

Give me your hands. Strings. Pick.

Do you want to learn to play guitar? / Yes. / Then don't touch one!

Ross is wearing leather pants. Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants.

See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. Maybe there's something in that area?

I've never owned a really good-smelling pair of pants before.

You look like a freak. Yeah, awful. / Awful.

It's my New Year's resolution. / To blind my child?

My God, these pants. I'm burning up.

Oh, God. She wants to snuggle now? What, is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here.

[FARTING NOISE] / That was just the pants and the couch.

G-sharp? / G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords?

No, but you're questioning my method. / No, I'm not questioning it, Phoebe. I'm saying it's stupid.

Your other student was you!

And look. Ooh, there's a picture of him with a kid. Yeah, and the kid's got a guitar!

But don't come crying to me when everyone is sick and tired of hearing you play 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.'

Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? / You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big...

No, I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off. But they must have shrunk from the sweat or something. Or my legs expanded from the heat.

Oh. That is quite a situation.

And the lotion and the powder have made a paste.

Well, if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself paste pants and she won't know the difference.

I don't care, Rach. Look, I'm tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets and can't tell anyone.

Hey, can you turn the lights off? / No. Let's just leave the lights on.

Oh, my God. / I had a problem.

I can't talk to you. I don't have a fancy ad in the yellow pages.

[Guitar breaks] / Was the chord at least right before...? / No.

Ben drew a picture of you. You're a cowboy. / Because of the leather pants?

Ooh, you know, they had some... with fringe all down the sides.

I would make a good cowboy.

I'm gonna go to the airport. If I hang around there long enough... someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended.

Hey, Joe, would you mind going over into Chandler's bedroom... and getting that book back that he borrowed from me?

What's the thing you know? / You tell me what you know. / I can't tell you. / Then I can't.

Chandler and Monica? Oh, this is unbelievable. / How long have you known? / Too long. Oh, my God.

Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Ha, ha.

That's weird. I bet they're doing it.

Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so you can get back to your home planet.

And Ross. Phone call for you today. Tom Jones. He wants his pants back.

And Hornswoggle? What, are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?