The One With Rosss Sandwich

Character Unknown:What are you guys sitting on?

Chandler:"I'm on top of the world."

Joey:"Sitting on top of the world."

Phoebe:"Right back where we started from."

Character Unknown:Never mind.

Character Unknown:Is that... is that my underwear?

Character Unknown:These are mine!

Character Unknown:Well, I mean... th-they're not... I was just...

Joey:Because I'm disgusting!

Joey:Hey, those are nice!

Monica:Chandler, why is there a woman's razor in the bathroom?

Chandler:Oh, that? I'm, uh... I'm doing a scene. For acting class. I'm playing a woman.

Chandler:I shave with my left hand.

Monica:Why would you do that?

Chandler:Because she likes to watch.

Joey:Sex makes lying easier.

Monica:Oh yeah.

Chandler:The play title has evolved to 'Ugly Woman'

Chandler:All right. But you do it with me once.

Joey:You want to what?

Chandler:I know, I know. It's crazy. But I'm just saying, maybe it could work.

Joey:Chandler, no. Absolutely not.

Chandler:Yeah, okay. Story of my life. I suggest something, and everyone looks at me like I'm insane.

Joey:Guys, I have a question and I need you to be honest with me. Is it normal to wear the same underwear two days in a row?

Monica:No, Joey, it's not.

Joey:What if they're really comfortable?

Chandler:Joey, no.

Joey:What if I turn them inside out?

Phoebe:Oh, I took a Lamaze class once. Turns out it wasn't about breathing.

Phoebe:It's like giving birth, except the baby dies.

Rachel:Phoebe!

Phoebe:What? It's true! You study for months, you go through all this pain, and what do you have to show for it? Nothing! Well, a grade, but you can't love a grade.

Ross:Someone ate my sandwich!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! We should call the police!

Ross:My pathetic life reduced to one sandwich.

Ross:Okay, so I've written up a whole thing about knock-knock jokes. It's very important that you follow this exactly.

Ross:Knock knock.

Rachel:Who's there?

Ross:Interrupting cow.

Rachel:Interrupting cow w—

Ross:MOOOOO!

Chandler:Hey Ross, at this point why don't you just wear the sandwich? You're already treating it like a person.

Phoebe:Oh, I'd be like, 'Hey, yo, homie g, fo' shizzle my nizzle!'

Phoebe:And then I'd probably say something like, 'Word to your mother... literally, because your mom is great.'

Phoebe:I was on the street the other day, and I saw this guy, and he had the sweetest little orphans with him.

Chandler:Wait, what? Orphans? On the street?

Phoebe:Yeah, they were singing! It was so beautiful.

Chandler:Oh my God, Phoebe, those weren't orphans. That was a street performance. Those kids had parents somewhere probably wondering where they are.

Phoebe:Yeah, I'm tough. I once bit off a guy's thumb.

Phoebe:He had it coming though - he was trying to hitchhike, and I was just looking at his thumbs, and I thought, 'Well, mine are better.'

Rachel:I'm so sorry I'm late. I was at this thing, and then I had to go to this other thing, and then I was coming here, but I had to stop at this place.

Rachel:I was more focused on cheerleading in high school.

Teacher:So who can tell me the theme of this novel?

Rachel:Ooh! Is it a metaphor?

Phoebe:Well, I have to say, I've been analyzing the situation, and I've come to the conclusion that someone in this apartment has been stealing my things.

Rachel:Phoebe, that is insane! I would never steal from you!

Teacher:Do you have any questions?

Rachel:Yeah, um, do YOU have any questions?

Ross:I can't believe people are calling me 'Mental'. That's so cool!

Monica:Yeah, well, in high school they called you 'Wet Pants Geller'.

Monica:Oh my God, Ross! Is it true they called you 'Wet Pants Willy' in high school?

Ross:It was ONE time! I was nervous about the chemistry test and—

Chandler:You peed your pants over a chemistry test?

Ross:No! I was just... perspiring. Heavily. In that specific area.

Rachel:Oh honey, that's not better.

Ross:Okay, I'm gonna be tough. I'm gonna lay down the law.

Joey:Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?

Ross:Well, you can't keep borrowing my sweaters without asking!

Joey:Come on, man, they look better on me anyway.

Ross:That's it! I'm serious, Joey. No more sweaters!

Joey:Alright, alright, I'll ask first.

Ross:Thank you. See? I can be tough.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey! What is all this camera equipment doing in your apartment?

Joey:Oh, that? I'm making a movie.

Rachel:A movie? Joey, please tell me you're not making what I think you're making.

Joey:What? No! It's a legitimate short film. I'm the director!

Rachel:Since when are you a director?

Joey:Since I bought this camera! I'm very artistic.

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. I'm an actor.

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. I'm an actor... and I'm unemployed.

Joey:Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani. I'm an actor, I'm unemployed, and I live with my mom.

Chandler:Look, it's simple. In the academic world, we call this 'method acting.' You see, when you're playing a character, you have to become that character. So technically, you're not lying about your credentials—you're just... living the part.

Ross:It's called 'The Moistmaker'. She layers the turkey with a moist mixture, then she lets it sit overnight so all the flavors just... soak in.

Chandler:The Moistmaker? That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.

Ross:It's not gross, it's genius! The turkey is perfectly moist!

Ross:A simple mistake? A simple mistake?! You told me the results were negative! I've been telling Rachel we're having a boy!

Ross:And just to clarify, when you say 'simple,' do you mean simple like mixing up two file folders, or simple like accidentally performing major surgery on the wrong patient?

Ross:Because those seem like very different levels of simple to me.

Ross:MY SANDWICH?! MY SANDWICH?!

Ross:I wrote my name on it with a Sharpie!

Ross:It was a Thanksgiving leftover sandwich!

Ross:The only one in the world!

Ross:MY SANDWICH!

Phoebe:Oh, Jane Eyre! So it's about this girl Jane who works on a spaceship, right? And Mr. Rochester is like, the alien captain guy. And the whole thing with the crazy wife in the attic—that's actually a alien experiment gone wrong. They're like, testing her to see if she's strong enough to be the commander's bride on Planet... Eyre. Which is obviously a moon of Jupiter.

Rachel:Wait, so Jane Eyre is a feminist book? I thought it was just about this woman who falls in love with a guy with a crazy wife in the attic.

Phoebe:Yeah, that's because Jane Eyre is actually a robot.

Rachel:Oh my God, that makes so much sense! No real woman would put up with that!

Ross:I don't care. I don't care about anything.

Phoebe:I'm really sorry I misled you, Rachel. I feel terrible.

Rachel:It's okay, Phoebe. What happened?

Phoebe:Well, I told you that you reminded me of my high school English teacher, but that's not the whole story.

Rachel:What do you mean?

Phoebe:You remind me of her, but specifically of the time she got her head stuck in the pencil sharpener.

Chandler:Okay, Joey, I'm going to help you with this photo situation. See, the key is presentation. Frame it right and no one will notice anything.

Joey:Really? You think so?

Chandler:Sure. Just tell people it's 'artistic.' Or better yet, say it's a 'study in light and shadow.' That way when they see your butt, they'll think it's intentional.

Joey:My butt?! Chandler!

Chandler:What? I'm helping! See, now instead of people thinking 'Why is Joey showing me this?' they'll think 'Wow, what a bold artistic choice.'

Chandler:No, no, no, what you meant to say is you're not very good at reading, but you're working on it.

Joey:That makes me sound like I'm retarded!

Chandler:Well, you said it.

Joey:I slept with Monica.

Monica:Well, don't everybody thank me at once.

Monica:I was just holding onto them for safekeeping!

Monica:Besides, a girl can dream, can't she?

Joey:She came onto me! I was just sitting there, minding my own business, and she threw herself at me!

Joey:I said, 'Monica, no!' But she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Joey:I'm the victim here!

Monica:I'm disgusting. I'm a disgusting, sloppy person. I leave things everywhere, I don't organize my closet, I eat right out of the container. I'm gross, I'm a slob, and I'm not gonna change.

Rachel:Monica, that's Joey's thing.

Monica:I know! But he makes it sound so appealing!

Joey:You want some? I'm happy to share.

Joey:Fair warning though, I've already licked all the good pieces.

Phoebe:We could give them a test!

Monica:A test? Oh, that's a great idea! We could have multiple choice, short answer, and essay questions. We could grade on a curve, have a comprehensive final exam, and keep detailed records of their progress!

Phoebe:Or... we could just see if they know their ABCs.