The One With Chandlers Work Laugh

Rachel:Joey, you can't just say it like that!

Joey:What? What did I say?

Rachel:You know what you said!

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Monica and Chandler are... *ahem*... engaging in sexual relations.

Rachel:That's not better, Joey!

Rachel:Joey, do you know anything about Monica and Chandler?

Joey:What? No, I don't know anything.

Rachel:Come on, you must know something.

Joey:I'm telling you, I know nothing.

Rachel:Joey...

Joey:Okay, fine! Chandler's thing is... bigger than mine.

Ross:Weddings are great! They're so happy and full of love and—

Ross:Oh God, it's Carol.

Ross:This scone is so dense!

Ross:It's like a brick! A delicious brick, but still!

Ross:You know what? I'm done. I'm done with scones. I'm done with baked goods. I'm done with everything!

Phoebe:You know, in my old life, when I got that angry, I would just hit somebody with a shovel.

Phoebe:You can't just hold onto stuff like that. You gotta let it go. I mean, look at me. I'm not even mad that my mother abandoned me when I was a baby.

Phoebe:Though I was really upset about it for a while. But then I realized, holding onto that anger was just eating me up inside.

Phoebe:Besides, it's not like she knew I was gonna be born. I mean, she probably suspected it, but still.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? That's a scone!

Doug:Hey there, buddy! How's it going? You look great tonight!

Doug:Who's the pretty lady? What's she doing with you?

Chandler:I know, right?

Classic fake law firm name pun

Monica:Why are you laughing so hard? That wasn't even funny.

Chandler:I know, but Doug told it at work, and everyone was laughing, so I just...

Monica:Wait, you have a work laugh?

Chandler:Yes! It's different from my real laugh.

Monica:That's insane.

Chandler:Everyone has a work laugh!

Monica:So I'm at this office party, right? And I'm trying to be funny like the guys. So I lean over to my coworker and I say, 'Hey, you know what they call a prostitute who's out of business? Restructured!'

Coworker:...

Monica:What? What? Come on, that's funny!

Chandler:Doug never talks outside of work except at the strip club.

Chandler:I mean, the strip... church. Strip church.

Monica:What happened to my tennis racket?

Chandler:Joey was playing with it.

Monica:Playing with it? Chandler, look at it!

Chandler:Well, in Joey's defense, he does have very strong hands.

Rachel:I lent Joey my racket and I'm never going to see it again.

Rachel:I mean, it's Joey. He still owes me twenty dollars from 1997.

Monica:Do you have something you want to talk about?

Rachel:Well, even if I did, you know I wouldn't tell you.

Phoebe:So you see, the problem is that you're both living in denial. The duck thinks he's superior because he can swim, and the rooster, well, you have this need to crow about everything.

Phoebe:But here's what I'm hearing: you're both just scared that nobody takes you seriously as waterfowl and poultry respectively.

Phoebe:Now, I want you both to look at each other and really try to understand where the other is coming from. Can you do that for me?

Joey:Come on, man! It's a romantic comedy. There's this guy, right? And he meets this girl. And they like each other. But then something bad happens. And then they get back together. It's gold, dude!

Ross:Joey, that's literally every movie ever made.

Joey:Exactly! That's why it's gonna be great!

Monica:I'm like a chef in the kitchen out there on the court. I marinate my opponents in fear, sear them with my forehand, and serve them up completely well-done.

Chandler:Monica, you're not Martina Navratilova.

Monica:I could be if I trained!

Chandler:You know what? Let him win. It's good for morale.

Monica:Let him win? I don't even know what that means.

Monica:You play to win. That's what playing is!

Monica:He can't even breathe, and she's popping pills.

Monica:Oh no! I totally meant to make that shot!

Chandler:Not if I see you first, Doug!

Monica:You never listen to me at work. You're always making jokes instead of focusing.

Chandler:Oh, so now you're threatening to withhold sex like a stereotypical wife?

Monica:I wasn't, but now that you mention it...

Joey:Where do you think Ross is?

Chandler:I don't know, but one time I got stuck in the trash chute for three hours.

Joey:What?

Chandler:Yeah, I was trying to take out the garbage and somehow I ended up in the basement. It was horrible.

Rachel:Oh, so you were 'out'? That's really specific, Ross. Did you go anywhere? Do anything? See anyone?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You were walking around the city alone? All night? Oh! You're looking for a woman!

Ross:No, I'm not!

Joey:Yes, you are! And did you find one?

Mystery Woman:Hi Ross, I found your scarf and wanted to return it.

Ross:Oh, thanks! Do I know you?

Janice:It's me, Janice! *Nah-uh-nah-uh-nah-uh* (laughs)

Ross:Oh my God, no!

Janice:I know what you're all thinking - 'Oh, Janice, Ross? Really?' But let me tell you something...

Chandler:Actually, I'm thinking about moving to Yemen.

Phoebe:Oh, no! Ross, no! No! If you keep doing this, your kids are going to be like, really messed up.

Rachel:Okay, I have something to confess. I've never admitted this to anyone.

Rachel:In tenth grade, I told everyone that Jessica Hartley didn't actually go to fat camp. She just got locked in the school cafeteria for three months.

Rachel:So I overheard Monica on the phone with Chandler, and he was calling her the most ridiculous pet name.

Phoebe:What was it?

Rachel:He kept calling her 'Mrs. Bing.'

Joey:That's kind of sweet actually.

Rachel:Yeah, except he said it in a baby voice while asking about her... digestive system.

Chandler:Rachel! That was—those are private conversations!

Monica:Oh, that? Um, that's just what I call Chandler because he has really big feet. Like, freakishly big. It's actually kind of a medical condition.

Chandler:What?! Monica!

Monica:What? You said you wanted me to cover for you!

Monica:Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! What? No! That's ridiculous!

Joey:Okay, so the duck found the treat under the cup in 3.2 seconds. The rooster? 4.8 seconds. Duck wins.

Chandler:Joey, those are crackers.

Joey:I know what I'm doing, Chandler. The duck showed superior reflexes and decision-making skills. That's a winner right there.

Chandler:Those are literally crackers on the floor.

Joey:Yes, and the duck navigated the cracker terrain flawlessly. The rooster got distracted by the... the shiny... pepperoni?

Chandler:There is no pepperoni.

Joey:Which is why the duck won. It didn't fall for the imaginary pepperoni trap. Best judge I've ever been.

Doug:We should all support President Clinton and her husband, Bill.

Doug:So, how do you like your coffee?

Chandler:I like it the way I like my women — hot, black, and preferably fair trade.

Monica:Okay, so Doug made a joke about coffee, right? And nobody laughed. Do you know why nobody laughed? Because it wasn't funny. See, a joke has to have a 'setup' and a 'punchline.' The setup is the part that makes you think one thing is going to happen, and then the punchline is when something different happens instead, and that's what makes it funny. Doug's joke didn't do that. It just... it just said coffee was bad. That's not a joke, that's just a statement. A statement is not inherently humorous.

Rachel:Monica, I know you weren't working late. I saw you at the movies with Chandler.

Monica:Rachel, I can explain—

Rachel:No. You know what? That's it. I'm done. I'm moving out.

Chandler:What? No, no, no—

Rachel:I'm serious. I'm going to go live with... with Phoebe.

Phoebe:Oh! Okay!

Rachel:Oh! Hi! I was just... I was coming over to, um... borrow a lamp. For reading. Yeah, I needed a lamp for reading and I thought, 'Monica has lamps,' so here I am.

Rachel:Oh my God, that's so great! Chandler pays you to clean? That's amazing!

Rachel:I mean, what a wonderful arrangement you two have worked out together.

Monica:I can't believe you fell for that! I totally had you going with that story about cleaning the apartment.

Rachel:Monica, what are you talking about? I knew you were lying the whole time.

Monica:No you didn't!

Rachel:Yes, I did. It was so obvious.

Monica:Well, I fooled Chandler then.

Chandler:You did not fool me.

Monica:I fooled someone!

Janice:Ross, you're like a beautiful song, but... I've heard it too many times. And now when it comes on the radio, I just... I change the station.

Janice:Ross, I need to be honest with you. You're a wonderful guy, but I've realized something. You're just too... whiny. Every time something doesn't go your way, it's the end of the world. I can't be with someone who complains all the time.

Ross:Whiny? I'm not whiny!

Ross:Wait, if Janice thinks I'm bad in bed... I mean, Janice has slept with a lot of guys. A lot of guys, Chandler.

Chandler:Yeah...

Ross:So if I'm bad compared to all those guys...

Chandler:Oh no.

Ross:I'm not bad. I'm the worst.

Janice:Ross, I'm leaving you!

Joey:Hey, how you doin'?

Janice:Oh, hello Joey!

Joey:Okay, so here's the rule. You cannot date a girl if you've already dated her best friend. That's the rule.

Joey:But what if they're not best friends? What if they're just friends?

Joey:What if you don't know them very well?

Joey:What if you've only met them once?

Joey:What if you've never actually met them, but you've seen them?

Joey:What if you've only heard them described in detail?

Ross:I lent you fifty bucks!

Joey:Yeah, and you said there were no strings attached.

Ross:There weren't! ...Until now.