The One With The Yeti

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is going on here?

Joey:You two need to stop that right now. There are rules in this apartment.

Joey:You're not gonna sit here and make out on my couch like a couple of teenagers.

Joey:If you're gonna do that, at least have the decency to go to a bedroom or something.

Joey:I mean, come on! Show some respect!

Joey:I went to the wrong audition.

Joey:Yeah, I showed up and they were looking for someone completely different. Like, they wanted this old guy, and I'm standing there like, 'Hi, I'm here for the role!' And they're like, 'We need someone who collects social security.'

Joey:Well, sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I said no making out in my apartment!

Joey:You know what? Forget it. I can see you're not listening to me.

Joey:I can hear that! I can hear that! Why haven't you stopped?!

Phoebe:Look at this! It's a Limoges box. My grandmother left it to me. Can you believe it? Me! With a family heirloom!

Phoebe:I went from living on the street with nothing to having fancy inherited items. I'm like a real person now!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is that?!

Monica:It's a fur coat!

Joey:Oh my God, it's so soft!

Joey:Ahhhh! Get it off me!

Joey:Wait... this is really soft.

Ross:Wait, where'd you get that coat? It's nice.

Phoebe:Thanks! It's completely cruelty-free. No animals were harmed.

Ross:Yeah, but what about the workers in the synthetic fabric factory in Southeast Asia working 14-hour days for 40 cents an hour?

Phoebe:...I didn't think about that.

Ross:So basically, you're just being cruel to people instead of animals.

Ross:Actually, I made all that up.

Ross:I'm just ready for a change, you know? Time to move on to a new chapter, embrace minimalism...

Monica:You can't afford the furniture payments.

Ross:...Yes.

Monica:She put her feet all over the couch.

Joey:She put her feet on the couch?

Monica:And she ate cookies in bed.

Joey:Cookies in bed?!

Phoebe:Oh, that happened to my ex-boyfriend Eric. He said another girl's name at his wedding, and that very night, his thing turned blue.

Monica:His thing turned blue?

Phoebe:Yeah, it was the voodoo. His new wife, she was Haitian.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You're throwing out the couch because Rachel sat on it?

Monica:We're not throwing it out, we're just—

Joey:That's like saying a girl has cooties! You can't use the couch now because Rachel cooties are on it!

Joey:I'm really perturbed about losing Ross. It's a travesty of monumental proportions.

Chandler:Okay, now I'm scared. Not about losing Ross — about whatever alien abducted Joey and replaced him with someone who uses the word 'perturbed.'

Joey:You gotta act cool, man. Just pretend you don't care.

Ross:I can't just act cool, Joey. I'm terrible at this stuff.

Joey:No, no, no. You're an actor. Well, I'm an actor. You know what I mean. Just use your acting skills!

Joey:Watch me. Hey Emily, how ya doin'?

Joey:See? Cool. I'm acting. I don't even like you that much.

Monica:A waffle iron under a bug bomb? Really? Because that's exactly where I keep my small appliances—right next to toxic chemicals. Why not throw it in with the rat poison while we're at it?

Monica:Okay, everyone stay calm. We need to approach this strategically.

Rachel:What do you mean 'strategically'? It's a bug!

Monica:Not just any bug. This is a full-scale invasion. Chandler, get the bug spray. NOW!

Chandler:Yes, ma'am!

Monica:Listen up, people. When I give the signal, I want a two-pronged attack. Joey, you come in from the left flank. Phoebe, cover the rear exit.

Rachel:Monica, it's literally the size of a pea.

Monica:Size is irrelevant, Rachel. It's the principle of the thing. Chandler, spray pattern: short bursts, three-second intervals. Do you understand?

Chandler:I understand, Colonel Monica.

Joey:Oh my God, Monica, you look just like Liza Minnelli!

Monica:Really? You think so?

Joey:Yeah! If Liza Minnelli was a crazy cat lady.

Ross:You know, I've been thinking about my commute, and it's actually not so bad. It gives me time to think, to reflect on life's bigger questions.

Ross:Plus, all that walking? That's basically a gym membership. I'm getting exercise, fresh air, and personal growth all at the same time.

Ross:Really, when you think about it, my commute isn't a burden — it's a gift. A beautiful gift that the universe is giving me every single day.

Chandler:Well, if time is a gift, and you're giving her space, maybe we should combine them scientifically and see if we can create some kind of time-space continuum that gets me away from my relationship problems.

Monica:He was huge! Like, really big.

Chandler:How big?

Monica:Like a bear. No, bigger than a bear. Like a Bigfoot.

Joey:Bigfoot? Monica, come on.

Monica:I'm telling you, he was like a mythical creature. Like a troll or something.

Rachel:A troll? In New York?

Monica:I don't know! He was terrifying! He could've been a dragon for all I know!

Rachel:I sprayed it with bug spray until it stopped moving. I think I killed it.

Gunther:We attacked our new neighbor Danny.

Rachel:We did not attack him! We just... we went over there and we told him what we thought of his stupid fence!

Gunther:You pushed him into the bushes.

Rachel:That was an accident!

Rachel:Wait, so you're saying the exterminator was just doing his job? He only gassed like five people!

Gunther:It was an accident. He felt terrible about it.

Rachel:Gunther, this is the third time this month! Last week he fogged the entire second floor. The week before, he cleared out a wedding reception.

Gunther:He's a good man, Rachel. He apologized each time.

Rachel:Apologized?! Gunther, people were hospitalized! And you always take his side!

Monica:I know we messed up. We should have told you sooner.

Danny:Okay.

Rachel:Wait, wait, wait. You can't just say 'okay' like that. If you really accepted our apology, you would have said it with more enthusiasm. The fact that you said it so coldly means you didn't actually accept it, which means we still need to apologize!

Monica:Danny was so rude to me today!

Rachel:Yeah, well, I fogged you too.

Phoebe:Okay, so Crematorium Chris said that if I sleep with him, he'll cremate my parents for free.

Monica:Phoebe, that's insane!

Phoebe:I know, right? It's like, either way I'm getting screwed... and someone's getting burned.

Phoebe:Destroying that coat is a crime against nature.

Rachel:Actually, Phoebe, it's a crime against fashion.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that wearing a dead animal had to make a fashion statement. I mean, I thought it was just tacky.

Phoebe:I mean, look at this. How can you wear the skin of an innocent creature? Don't you think that's wrong?

Rachel:Well, yeah, I guess...

Phoebe:I mean, it looks really good on you though.

Joey:So you're saying... rocks?

Ross:What is going on with you two?

Joey:We're not doing anything.

Ross:Yes, you are. You're acting weird.

Joey:No, we're not.

Ross:Joey, come on.

Joey:Fine! We're sleeping together, okay? There, you happy now?

Ross:You know, I've been thinking about it, and we really should be focusing on our careers and our futures instead of spending all our time at Central Perk.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, you're right. So basically, we need to go to Central Perk more often so people know where to find us.

Monica:Wait, you eat meat? I thought you were a vegetarian.

Phoebe:I am! I don't eat red meat.

Monica:But you just ordered a steak.

Phoebe:Yeah, but it's a cow. Cows are mean.

Phoebe:I love this coat! It's so soft and warm.

Phoebe:You know, it's better than my last boyfriend. At least this coat doesn't cheat on me and it actually keeps me warm at night.

Phoebe:I'd give the guy a 3 out of 10, but the coat? Solid 9.

Rachel:I'm sorry for judging you on your appearance.

Danny:Oh, that's okay. I don't judge people on their appearance. I mean, look at you - you're clearly just a natural, down-to-earth person who has no interest in shopping or designer labels whatsoever.

Rachel:They could be for charity!

Danny:Really?

Rachel:Okay, fine, it's clothes. But I'm going to wear them, and then I'm going to donate them!

Danny immediately doing the thing she just said she hates

Rachel:You can't just make snap judgments about people! It's unfair and it's shallow and it's exactly the kind of thing that I hate!

Joey:Hey, you want a sandwich? I'm gonna make a sandwich.

Rachel:Joey! Did you hear what I just said?

Joey:Yeah, yeah, no snap judgments, very deep. You want turkey or roast beef?

Phoebe:What? It's not real fur!

Monica:Phoebe, that's a dead animal.

Phoebe:It's a dead animal, but it's not real fur. There's a difference.

Chandler:No, there really isn't.

Phoebe:Well, I think it's fine. I mean, we eat chicken, right? Would you wear a chicken?

Ross:No.

Phoebe:Well, what if it was a really fancy chicken?

Monica:Oh wow, Danny's charm really shines through. I mean, he said 'yeah' and 'okay.' That's basically poetry.

Joey:I can't believe Ross is leaving! This is the worst day of my life!

Joey:I'm an actor.

Ross:Oh my God, he's alive! I was so worried about him. I mean, he hasn't moved in like three days.

Ross:But look at him now, just sitting there... beautiful son of a bitch.

Joey:No, no, no, Rachel's not here!

Rachel:*visible in background*

Joey:No, no, no, you can totally tell what someone's feeling just by looking at the back of their head. See? Right now I'm doing happy.

Joey:And now I'm doing sad. Now I'm doing confused. Now I'm doing sexy.

Phoebe:Oh, don't look at me like that! You know what? We're not even the same species. This is inter-species rivalry. It's not fair!

Phoebe:Well, minks are mean! They're mean little creatures. They have those beady little eyes and they're always looking for a way to bite you.

Phoebe:Plus, they probably wanted to be on TV anyway. I mean, they're minks! They had dreams of being in movies, you know? They probably resented being trapped in a lab when they could've been auditioning for fur coat commercials.