The One Where Ross Moves In

Chandler:You're not supposed to look at naked women!

Joey:Why not?

Chandler:Because it's wrong!

Joey:It's a pig.

Chandler:Oh. Well, that's different then.

Joey:Yeah, look at the knobs on her!

Chandler:Joey!

Monica:Wait, you didn't get him to sign anything?

Ross:No, he's my father. I trust him.

Monica:Oh my God, you're an idiot.

Chandler:I'm here for you, okay? Whatever you need, I'm gonna be there for you.

Chandler:But right now, you're really bringing down my vibe, so...

Ross:I mean, I'm not tied down to anything. I could move anywhere, do anything.

Chandler:So you're saying you have no gonads?

Ross:What? No! I said I have no roots!

Chandler:Right, right. No gonads.

Joey:Wait, did you say gonad?

Chandler:No, he said nomad.

Joey:Oh. What's a nomad?

Phoebe:So how much do building inspectors make?

Larry:Well, it depends on how many bribes you take.

Larry:Look, I'm not trying to bribe you or anything, but if you could just overlook this one little thing...

Phoebe:Wait, what? Did you just...?

Larry:No, no, no! I meant— that came out wrong. I was just saying—

Phoebe:I'm actually very clean. I shower like, once a week.

Monica:Phoebe, that's not clean.

Phoebe:Well, I also use a lot of perfume. And I sleep naked on top of my sheets, which I wash... occasionally.

Rachel:Phoebe, you're basically a health code violation waiting to happen.

Phoebe:Well, I've never gotten sick. That means my immune system is strong!

Phoebe:According to my book, you should always maintain proper ergonomic posture while sitting.

Larry:Phoebe, you're slouching.

Phoebe:I know, but I'm an exception to my own rules.

Phoebe:You saw the hat in the kitchen and knew she'd go in hatless to get it.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you should totally have your own detective show! Like, 'Law & Order: Special Phoebe Unit.'

Phoebe:You should write a detective show.

Larry:A detective show? Like what, 'Phoebe and Watson'?

Larry:So what do you do?

Phoebe:I'm a masseuse.

Larry:Oh, that's nice. Do you have any restaurant recommendations?

Phoebe:Well, I give a lot of rubdowns, so I know where all the sore spots are in the city.

Rachel:I don't go for recently divorced guys.

Monica:Yeah, you go for engaged ones.

Rachel:I was totally flirting with him! I mean, I touched his arm, I laughed at his jokes, I even did that thing where I tilt my head and look interested.

Rachel:He was eating it up! I could tell he was completely into me.

Rachel:Then he said, 'Well, it was nice meeting you,' and walked away.

Rachel:Turns out he was just being polite because I was standing between him and the snack table.

Chandler:Could she BE any more obvious?

Monica:Wait, he didn't invite us to his housewarming party? That is so rude!

Chandler:Well, maybe he's planning to warm up the house himself.

Monica:Oh please. The only thing Danny's warming up is his reputation as a jerk.

Rachel:So Danny's plan was to fail at something that would actually help him succeed.

Rachel:And now he's celebrating because it worked.

Rachel:Well, if he likes me, he'll wait. And if he doesn't like me, then I don't want him anyway.

Chandler:So... you want him to like you?

Rachel:No! I want him to wait!

Ross:We will, We will call you back

Chandler:Oh my God.

Joey:That was painful.

Chandler:I can't believe he said that.

Joey:We have to tell him.

Sexual innuendo about the badge's history

Phoebe:This has been really nice, Larry. I feel like we have a real connection.

Larry:I know. I've never felt this way before.

Phoebe:So... what happens now?

Larry:Well, I should probably tell you - I'm your waiter, and there's a table of eight who just sat down in my section.

Phoebe:Oh.

Larry:I'll be right back.

Joey:Okay, okay, fine! I was building a fort.

Chandler:A fort? Joey, you're thirty years old.

Joey:I know how old I am!

Chandler:What is that noise?

Ross:Oh, that's my new humidifier.

Chandler:Your humidifier sounds like it's humidifying a chainsaw. Could it BE any louder?

Chandler:I can hear that thing through college. It's like living next to a jet engine.

Joey:So don't listen to it.

Joey:Come on, Chandler, you gotta grow up. Be more mature.

Chandler:You're right, you're right. I'll be more responsible from now on.

Joey:That's great! Hey, you wanna build a fort out of couch cushions?

Phoebe:Oh my God, did you see? Churman's has vermin violations!

Phoebe:I guess it's not Churman's anymore... it's Verman's!

Rachel · Danny:It's a regatta gala. Do you sail? No, but I support it.

Joey:You gotta treat dating like a sport, y'know? You warm up, you get in the game, you score...

Rachel:Joey, I'm not a touchdown.

Ross:What does that mean?

Chandler:I don't know, but apparently it's worth a lot of money.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. You taped over my Baywatch tape?

Ross:I needed to tape the Discovery Channel special.

Joey:Ross! Do you understand what you've done? That tape is irreplaceable!

Ross:Joey, it's just a TV show. You can buy another copy.

Joey:It's not just a TV show! I was on that tape! Well, I mean... I was watching it... but still!

Chandler:Living with Ross is like an endurance test. I wake up, I think, 'Will today be the day he finally leaves me alone?' Spoiler alert: it's not.

Joey:Oh great! A health inspector closing restaurants? Finally, someone's looking out for us! You know what this means? Clean food! Joey Tribbiani eating clean food. That's like... that's like asking me to act in a Shakespeare play without saying 'how you doin'?' It ain't gonna happen, people!

Monica:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you flew to Paris, had dinner with him, and flew back the same night?

Rachel:Yes.

Monica:Rachel, that's like a 14-hour flight each way. When exactly did you sleep?

Rachel:Okay, fine. I made it up. Are you happy now?

Phoebe:Ladle!

Chandler:There's nothing in the listings.

Ross:What do you mean there's nothing? There's gotta be something.

Chandler:No, I'm telling you, there's nothing.

Ross:Well, keep looking! There's always something hidden in the back pages or... or online, or...

Chandler:Ross, I've looked everywhere.

Ross:Maybe there's a secret apartment. Like, behind a wall or something.

Chandler:Could this apartment BE any smaller? I mean, look at this—the kitchen and bathroom are basically the same room.

Chandler:But hey, think about it—you could be brushing your teeth and cooking breakfast at the same time. Really cuts down on multitasking!

Chandler:Plus, if you drop your toast, it's only three steps to the toilet. Very efficient.

Joey:Hey, I love what you've done with the place! This is really... something.

Ross:So what do you guys think? Should I take the apartment?

Chandler:Well, it's a great place, but there's one small problem.

Chandler:You live there.

Chandler:We feel terrible about what we did.

Joey:Yeah, we basically tricked you into taking that apartment.

Chandler:We're really sorry, Ross.

Ross:What? You guys manipulated me?

Joey:We knew you wouldn't take it otherwise.

Chandler:And we feel awful about it.

Joey:Hey, you know what? I've been thinking about your apartment situation, and you know what? I got an idea. What if we knock down that wall between your bedroom and your living room?

Ross:Joey, that's a load-bearing wall.

Joey:So? We'll get Chandler to help us. He's pretty strong.

Ross:No, Joey, if we knock down a load-bearing wall, the building will collapse.

Joey:Oh. Well... could we at least paint it a nice color?

Larry:So you're telling me the health inspector found nothing wrong?

Phoebe:That's right. He said it was the cleanest restaurant he'd ever seen. He actually ate here. Twice.

Phoebe:Can't you just be a person for five minutes? Not a health inspector, just a person?

Phoebe:Hey Larry, instead of inspecting me, why don't you inspect that guy over there? I'm pretty sure he's violating several health codes just by existing.

Chandler:Wait, you don't have a closet? What do you do with your clothes?

Ross:I keep them in a garment rack... and some boxes under the bed.

Chandler:Oh, that's fine. That's totally normal. I'm sure lots of people store their entire wardrobe under their bed like it's a dead body.

Chandler:He's a paleontologist.

Chandler:Well, I also have a son. He's very quiet, never gets in anyone's way.

Manager:That's fine.

Chandler:And I do a lot of heroin.

Manager:That was beautiful tap dancing.

Chandler:Thank you.

Manager:You know, I'm gonna give you a raise.

Chandler:Oh my God, really?

Manager:No, I'm just kidding. But I am gonna let you leave work early today.

Chandler:Well, that's nice, but I was kind of hoping for the raise.

Manager:Tell you what — if you tap dance for me every day, I'll consider it.

Chandler:Every day? I'm gonna have to rob a bank.

Chandler:Ross? Yeah, he's a vampire. He only comes out at night, he's afraid of crosses, and he has an irrational fear of garlic bread.

Joey:Wait, so Ross is a vampire who's afraid of garlic bread? That's like being a firefighter who's afraid of fire.

Chandler:Well, also he once told me he was bitten by a radioactive bat.

Joey:Oh my God, so Ross is a vampire firefighter who got bitten by a radioactive bat and he's afraid of garlic bread? No wonder he and Rachel didn't work out.

Rachel:I'm going to act like I don't care at all. Like he means nothing to me.

Rachel:*flips hair* 'Oh, hi. I didn't even notice you were here.'

Rachel:*yawns* 'You're leaving? Whatever.'

Monica:So, uh, how's the weather treating you?

Danny:It's... fine?

Monica:And you like... breathing? That's going well for you?

Danny:Why are you asking me this?

Monica:No reason! Do you enjoy having a face?

Danny:Monica, what is happening right now?

Monica:You know what? I'm done playing games. I'm just going to tell him how I feel.

Rachel:That's great, Mon. But what if he doesn't feel the same way?

Monica:Then I strike out. And you know what? That's okay. Because at least I stepped up to the plate.

Tom:So, uh, how about that weather we've been having?

Rachel:It's been... weather.

Tom:Yeah, yeah. Very... weathey. I mean, weathery.

Rachel:Mmhmm.

Tom:So do you, uh, like... pants?

Rachel:What?

Tom:Pants. You're wearing them. Are they... good pants?

Rachel:Wait, so Tom's been asking about my weekend plans, remembering details about my job, and he laughed at all my jokes at the party?

Monica:Yeah, he likes you.

Rachel:Or... he's working with you guys. This is a pity thing, right? You all got together and decided Rachel needs confidence so you hired this actor to pretend to like her?

Chandler:Rachel, we didn't hire an actor.

Rachel:How much did you pay him? Because if it's under fifty dollars, he's really committed to the bit.

Phoebe:He just... likes you.

Rachel:You know what? I'm calling him right now and I'm asking him directly if this is some elaborate scheme you guys cooked up to make me feel better about myself.

Rachel:I'm telling you, I totally scored with him last night!

Rachel:He was all over me. It was like I hit a home run or something.

Monica:Rachel, you were at his apartment for five minutes to pick up your jacket.

Rachel:Exactly! And he didn't even ask me to leave!

Ross:You guys lied to me?

Chandler:We can explain.

Ross:It's fine. I'm calm.

Chandler:What are you wearing?

Ross:I'm a knight! See, I have a sword and everything.

Chandler:You look like you're going to a Renaissance faire.

Ross:So? Knights wore armor! This is historically accurate!

Chandler:We're in a fort made of couch cushions.

Ross:That doesn't make me any less of a knight!

Chandler:Why are you wearing a big ridiculous hat?

Ross:I could ask you the same thing.