The One With All The Cheesecakes

Rachel:No thanks, I'm not really into sweets.

Chandler:Oh come on, just try a bite.

Rachel:Mmm... oh my God. Oh my God!

Chandler:What did I tell you?

Rachel:This is the best thing I've ever tasted in my entire life!

Rachel:Oh my God! This is stolen cheesecake?!

Chandler:It fell off a truck.

Rachel:A truck?! Chandler, we're eating stolen cheesecake!

Chandler:Because I already ate half of it.

Chandler:Look, it's not stealing if it's from a big conglomerate. It's like... taking back from the man, you know?

Joey:Chandler, that's a bakery.

Chandler:A small family bakery.

Joey:Exactly.

Rachel:I can't believe I stole that cheesecake. I'm a terrible person. How could I do this? This isn't who I am!

Chandler:Uh-huh. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Joey:Hey! My character on Days of Our Lives isn't brain-dead anymore!

Chandler:Oh thank God. For a second there I was worried about you.

Joey:No, no, my character! Dr. Drake Ramoray!

Phoebe:So you're going to dinner with Joey?

Rachel:Yeah, why?

Phoebe:Oh, nothing. It's just that last week he told me all about your dating life, and the week before that he told me about Monica's cleaning obsession.

Rachel:He what?

Phoebe:Yeah, you guys think you're so careful, but Joey tells me everything. We gossip about all of you.

Ross:Wait, you guys were just talking about me?

Phoebe:Yeah, we were saying how you're really smart and funny and... generous.

Ross:Oh. Well, thank you. You know, Phoebe, you're... you're really talented. Your songs are... they're very unique.

Phoebe:Thanks.

Ross:Yeah, well, you're not seven anymore, Monica.

Monica:You have to call him! You have to tell him that we want him at the wedding!

Ross:Monica, I can't just call him out of the blue.

Monica:Why not? What's the worst that could happen?

Ross:Well, there was that thing when we were kids...

Monica:What thing?

Ross:You know, that time with the... and then in the garage...

Monica:Oh my God. How bad was it?

Ross:Let's just say he's probably going to show up at our wedding and object.

Ross:Well, I mean, we all did weird things as kids.

Chandler:Yeah, I used to put on my mother's makeup and dance around the apartment.

Ross:I collected giraffes.

Chandler:That's... actually kind of normal.

Ross:Ceramic giraffes. Like, two hundred of them.

Phoebe:Wait, Joey left a note? What did it say?

Joey:It just says 'Can't make it. Big Daddy.'

Phoebe:Big Daddy? Who's Big Daddy?

Joey:That's me! That's my signature!

Ross:Hey, remember when you guys used to call me Big Daddy?

Joey:No.

Phoebe:Yeah, I don't think that ever happened.

Ross:Well, it should have. Big Daddy. That's a good nickname.

Phoebe:Joseph Francis Tribbiani!

Joey:What? What'd I do?

Joey:Look, there's a rule, okay? If a supermodel asks you out, you gotta go. It doesn't matter what you had planned.

Rachel:Oh, that's a good rule.

Joey:Look, I'm really sorry I canceled on you guys. Let me make it up to you—dinner's on me!

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah, I'll pay for my own meal.

Ross:Hey, you know what? People have been calling me 'The Rossatron' all week.

Chandler:No, they haven't.

Ross:Well, they will be. I'm working it into casual conversation. Like, 'Hey, the Rossatron needs another coffee,' or 'The Rossatron is going to the movies.'

Monica:Ross, that's not how nicknames work.

Joey:Wait, so are we using the nickname or not?

Chandler:I forgot what cheesecake tastes like.

Rachel:Oh, it's like... it's like nothing. It's like air.

Chandler:It tastes like air?

Rachel:Yeah, like really good air.

Rachel:It was just fine.

Rachel:The way that creamy filling just melts on your tongue, and the graham cracker crust shatters delicately between your teeth, releasing those buttery notes that dance across your palate...

Chandler:I'm sorry, I have to say something. That description was so sensual, I think I need a cigarette... and I don't even smoke anymore.

Rachel:We are not going to think about cheesecake. We are just going to sit here and have a normal conversation.

Chandler:OK, what do you want to talk about?

Rachel:I don't know... um... the big salad.

Chandler:The big salad? Rachel, that's not going to work.

Chandler:You know what? I say we just go to the source. We go to Chicago, we go to the bakery where they make it, and we just get a whole cheesecake.

Rachel:Chandler, that's insane.

Chandler:Is it? Is it really?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Mel Tormé died?

Ross:Yeah, that was like three years ago.

Joey:Oh my God! Why didn't anybody tell me?

Ross:It was on the news, Joey.

Joey:Well, I don't watch the news! I watch sports center. And occasionally, Cops.

Joey:Wait, what date is this paper from?

Ross:Three years ago.

Joey:Oh man! There's a sale at the Gap!

Monica:There is no excuse for not having enough seating!

Ross:Well, back when you were big, you took up two chairs anyway.

Ross:She has a very broad back.

Chandler:You mean wide?

Ross:No, broad.

Monica:Wait, Ross gets to bring someone? Who is he bringing?

Monica:What? How is that fair? I've been single for months!

Monica:Oh, so he just gets a plus-one because he's in a relationship for five minutes?

Monica:You know what, that's fine. That's FINE. I'm completely fine with this.

Monica:I'm not fine.

Ross:I can't cancel on Joan. She's a very important woman. We have plans.

Ross:You don't understand. Linguistics professors are wild. We're out till like 9, 9:30 sometimes.

Chandler:Is that another cheesecake?

Rachel:Well, technically it's not stealing if we're just borrowing it.

Chandler:That's the definition of stealing.

Rachel:No, no, we'll put it back before they even notice. Plus, they probably over-ordered anyway. We're actually helping them by reducing waste.

Chandler:That's... that's not how that works.

Rachel:And think about it — they're a big company, they can afford the loss. But we're just two struggling people who deserve a little happiness. Cheesecake is basically a food group. The real crime would be letting it go to waste. Are you really going to let that happen? Don't you care about the environment?

Chandler:Wait, are you actually concerned about the environment right now?

Rachel:I'm very concerned.

Phoebe:David? David? David?

David:Yes?

Phoebe:Oh my God, his name really is David!

Phoebe:Did you get a haircut?

David:No, I got them all cut.

David:It's Lenin. From certain angles.

Phoebe:I can't cancel on them. I never cancel on my friends. It's like, the one principle I have.

Phoebe:Well, except for that time I cancelled on Monica, and that time I cancelled on Rachel, and... okay, I cancel a lot. But I'm not canceling this time!

Monica:Pheebs, it's the love of your life.

Phoebe:Oh my God, what am I doing?! I'm canceling!

Phoebe:I have to stick to my principles. I can't compromise.

Monica:What if we did it this way instead?

Phoebe:Oh, okay!

Joey:What are you eating?

Rachel:It's tofu cake.

Joey:Tofu cake? That's disgusting!

Phoebe:I can't go, I have to be somewhere else.

Joey:What? Come on, Pheebs, you have to come!

Phoebe:I'm sorry, I made other plans.

Joey:Well, un-make them! Joey Tribbiani does not accept cancellations.

Monica:She's my cousin! We share the same blood!

Monica:The same blood runs through our veins!

Monica:We are connected by blood!

Ross:Okay, Monica, I think people get it.

Joey:Could I BE any more disappointed?

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. Before we eat, I think we should go around the table and share something really personal. Something we've never told anyone before.

Phoebe:Like, I'll start. When I was living on the street, I had an imaginary friend named Gluntz, and he was the only one who understood me.

Phoebe:Now come on, everyone. Don't you want to bond? This is important. This is what friendship is all about.

Phoebe:Oh, and we should probably do this slowly. You know, really take our time so we can fully process everyone's feelings.

Joey:She's like a scientist or something.

Phoebe:Really? What kind of scientist?

Joey:Well, she graduated high school.

Chandler:Okay, I have an impossible challenge for you. I want you to say something without moving your lips.

Rachel:mmph

Chandler:Oh wow, you did it!

Chandler:I'm gonna tell on you guys. You stole a cheesecake from the bakery and ate it in the hallway like a couple of common criminals!

Rachel:Chandler, it's not that big of a deal.

Chandler:Not that big of a deal? You two are like Bonnie and Clyde! Except instead of robbing banks, you're robbing delicious baked goods!

Rachel:You know what? Fine. You want the cheesecake? Take it. But I'm telling everyone that you said Monica's new haircut makes her look like a lesbian.

Monica:What?! I would never say that!

Rachel:I know. That's what makes it so believable.

Chandler:Okay, here are the rules. No double-dipping, no eating from the middle, and absolutely no touching the other person's piece.

Rachel:Got it.

Chandler:I'm serious, Rachel. This is serious cheesecake.

Rachel:I know, I know.

Chandler:We clear?

Rachel:Crystal clear.

Chandler:I'm taking my time with this cheesecake. I'm savoring every bite.

Chandler:Oh no! My piece! It dropped in the hallway!

Ross:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Aunt Millie, what are you doing?!

Aunt Millie:Oh honey, I'm so happy for you!

Ross:Yes, but why are you kissing me like that?

Monica:Oh, I'm gonna be so nice to her. I'm gonna be so nice, she's gonna wish she never met me.

Monica:What could I have possibly done?

Frannie:You slept with my husband!

Monica:That was before you were married to him!

David:Морская звезда светит в ночи, как твои глаза.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's so romantic! What did you say?

David:A starfish shines in the night like your eyes.

Phoebe:A... starfish?

David:Yes, well, in Russian the word for starfish is very poetic. I couldn't think of the word for star.

Joey:You could visit David in Russia!

Phoebe:I can't get a passport.

Joey:Why not?

Phoebe:Because I'm not a real person. My birth certificate is a letter from my mother.

Joey:Hey, I could do that! I'm great with science stuff.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! No, no, no, no, no!

Rachel:There has to be one piece that didn't touch the floor.

Rachel:Five-second rule! Five-second rule!

Rachel:This one's still good, this one's still good... Oh, come on!

Monica:Hey Ross, Aunt Frannie's here!

Aunt Frannie:Ross! Come give your Aunt Frannie a kiss!

Ross:Oh, uh, hey Aunt Frannie. How about a hug instead?

Aunt Frannie:Don't be silly!

Ross:No, no, no — we can just hug, right? Just a regular hug?

Aunt Frannie:I haven't seen you in years!

Ross:I know, and it's great to see you, but — oh God, no, not the lips! Why is it always on the lips?!