The One With The Holiday Armadillo

Phoebe:Yeah, I have my mom's skull in my apartment.

Other:Wait, what?!

Phoebe:Well, not her actual skull. It's a model. For her medical school classes.

Phoebe:Oh, we had this tradition where my mom would hang a skull on the Christmas tree. I thought it was so festive! Turns out it was actually my stepdad's skull. He wanted to be part of the holidays even after he died.

Phoebe:Oh, I love this skull! It's so dark and existential... plus it holds like a ton of candy.

Phoebe:I can teach Ben about death. I've been dead lots of times.

Ross:Phoebe, you haven't been dead.

Phoebe:Oh sure, lots of times. I was a doctor, I was a beggar woman, I was a sailor...

Ross:Those are past lives, not death.

Phoebe:Yeah, and I died in all of them.

Ross:You know what? Maybe Ben should learn about you first. Then death will seem less confusing.

Monica:Oh my God, someone's been here the whole time?

Chandler:Wait, how long have we been home?

Monica:About thirty minutes.

Chandler:Thirty minutes?! We could have been doing anything!

Monica:Bing is such a weird last name.

Chandler:Oh yeah, because Gellar is so normal!

Monica:What's wrong with Gellar?

Chandler:Nothing, nothing at all. GELLAR!

Monica:Why do you think Rachel enjoys living with Joey?

Chandler:Well, uh... he's... he's very... Joey.

Phoebe:I hate the word 'probably.' My mother said she was 'probably' coming back for me. She never did. My first boyfriend said he'd 'probably' call me. He didn't. My therapist said I'd 'probably' get over my childhood trauma. I'm still in therapy!

Phoebe:You have to take care of yourself. You know, eat right, exercise, get enough sleep. I mean, your body is like a temple.

Chandler:Hey, at least my last name isn't Buffay.

Monica:What did Phoebe get you?

Joey:A cookbook.

Monica:A cookbook? Joey, that's great!

Joey:Yeah! It's called '101 Ways to Cook a Man.'

Monica:Oh my God!

Monica:Okay, I'm sorry about the drum situation.

Monica:But not really, because other people are going to suffer, not me.

Hostess:It'll be about 45 minutes.

Chandler:45 minutes? Wow. Was it something I said?

Chandler:Because I made a joke earlier about the soup...

Chandler:Could you BE any more of a mobster right now?

Chandler:So, a table for two? How much would it cost me to move that up to, say, right now?

Hostess:Sir, I can't be bribed.

Chandler:What if I'm not very good at it?

Ross:What other holiday is coming up besides Christmas?

Ben:Well, logically, New Year's Day comes after Christmas.

Ross:So the Jews were being persecuted, and they only had enough oil to light the menorah for one day, but miraculously it burned for eight days.

Ben:Dad, how does Santa fit down the chimney?

Ross:Okay, okay, look. I know you're upset, but we need to talk about what happened at Thanksgiving in a way that doesn't involve yelling.

Ross:Because honestly, there's no reason to bring up the whole thing with the turkey and the—you know what? It doesn't matter. It's fine. We're fine.

Ross:No, no, no. Stop. I'm a paleontologist. I deal with facts and evidence and things that are millions of years old, so I think I can handle one small holiday disagreement.

Ross:We're not arguing! We're having a civilized discussion about how you might have, possibly, maybe gotten the facts slightly wrong. That's all.

Ben:If there's no Santa, that means I was bad.

Ross:No, no, no! Ben, Ben, Santa is real!

Ross:Santa is real. He's very real.

Ross:Why would you think that? Did someone tell you Santa wasn't real?

Ben:Will Santa bring me an ant farm?

Ross:Well, that depends. Where will it be kept?

Ben:At mom's apartment.

Ross:An ant farm! Yes! Santa will definitely bring you an ant farm!

Chandler:You were like, 'I will die alone with my cats if I don't see Music Man!'

Monica:I said I would be very upset.

Monica:Oh sure, go ahead and make fun of my cooking. At least when I mess up a dish, I don't have to call my cardiologist!

Joey:Okay Emma, repeat after me. Tequila!

Emma:Tequila!

Joey:Good! Tequila!

Emma:Tequila!

Chandler:I tried to bribe Joey with a coin. It didn't work.

Chandler:Apparently, he wanted something more valuable. Like an actual job.

Monica:Phoebe, the drums are too loud. Our neighbors are complaining.

Phoebe:Well, what do you want me to do? They're musical!

Monica:Maybe you could play something more subtle?

Phoebe:Okay, how about a bagpipe?

Monica:No, Phoebe, that's worse!

Phoebe:A jackhammer? A jet engine? A full fireworks display?

Monica:Those aren't instruments!

Phoebe:Not with that attitude.

Joey:Oh, my eye! Oh, God, my eye!

Joey:But it's rock and roll! You gotta throw the drumsticks in the air!

Joey:What, and just catch 'em like some kind of... some kind of wuss?

Phoebe:Joey, I got you another gift!

Joey:Pheebs, what is it this time?

Phoebe:It's a llama.

Joey:A llama? Phoebe, I can't have a llama in my apartment!

Phoebe:Well, it's better than the ostrich I was gonna get you.

Phoebe:Rachel, I'm so sorry about what happened. I feel terrible. I really do.

Phoebe:It's just that when I saw you talking to that guy, something came over me. I needed you to fail. So I did what I had to do.

Rachel:I actually think tarantulas are kind of cute.

Monica:Cute?!

Rachel:Yeah, they're fuzzy, they have little personalities...

Chandler:Rachel, a tarantula once bit my cousin.

Rachel:Oh my god, what happened?

Chandler:He's fine.

Rachel:Oh.

Chandler:No wait, he's dead. But it took like ten minutes.

Joey:There's a tarantula in here?!

Chandler:Yeah, it's in the terrarium.

Joey:Well get it out! Get it out! Get it out!

Joey:Is it on me? IS IT ON ME?!

Monica:No, Joey, it's still in the tank.

Joey:Don't let it crawl on me! I'm freaking out here!

Rachel:Wait, you were trying to sabotage me? Phoebe, that's insane.

Phoebe:Well, yeah, but it would've worked if you were afraid of something normal!

Rachel:Normal? Phoebe, I'm terrified of cotton balls.

Phoebe:See? That! That would've been perfect!

Rachel:Remember that time we all went to get those SuperBalls and we were bouncing them everywhere and it was so much fun?

Phoebe:Oh yeah, I only remember having to pay for the window.

Costume Shop Employee:These pants are too tight. Can I return them?

Ross:These are my pants.

Costume shop employee:I'm sorry, we don't have any Santa costumes available right now. It's too close to Christmas.

Costume shop employee:But we'll have tons of them right after Christmas when they're completely useless.

Ross:I'm going as an armadillo.

Chandler:An armadillo?

Ross:Yes. His name is Armando.

Monica:Ross, that's ridiculous.

Ross:No it's not! Armando is a very serious character. He's a lonely armadillo searching for love.

Ben:But you said you were the Holiday Armadillo.

Ben:If you're Santa, how can you be an Armadillo?

Ross:So the Holiday Armadillo comes from the North Pole, kind of like Santa, except he's an armadillo.

Ross:And he has all these magical powers, and he can fly, and he spreads Christmas cheer throughout the land.

Ross:But then we realized, well, what about Thanksgiving? So now he also covers Thanksgiving.

Ross:And then someone said, 'What about Easter?' So he covers Easter too.

Ross:And then Ben said, 'What about Mexico?' So now he has to fly all the way down to Mexico!

Ben:But armadillos have been around for millions of years. Why weren't they at the First Thanksgiving?

Ben:I want to wander in the desert.

Carol:Well, you're not going to wander very far in this weather. Why don't you wander into the living room and do your homework?

Ross:Ben, do you know what today is? It's the first day of Hanukkah!

Ben:Really? What's Hanukkah?

Ross:Well, it's a Jewish holiday where we light candles and celebrate for eight days. It's really special.

Ben:That sounds cool, Dad!

Chandler:HO HO HO! Merry Christmas, everybody!

Ross:Chandler, what are you doing?

Chandler:I'm Santa! Ben, I brought you presents!

Ben:Santa! Forget Hanukkah!

Chandler:What is that? Some kind of... armadillo in a Santa suit?

Chandler:No wait, that's me. I'm the armadillo.

Ross:I'm the Holiday Armadillo.

Chandler:You're a grown man.

Chandler:Could these hands BE any smaller?

Ross:He's five years old, Chandler.

Chandler:I know! It's like trying to shake hands with a Ken doll!

Carol:Wait, so Santa and an armadillo are having a kitchen talk? That's the most absurd thing I've ever heard.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. So I don't get to say 'Ho ho ho'?

Chandler:I don't get to sit in a big chair?

Chandler:I don't get to ask little children what they want for Christmas?

Chandler:This is the best day of my life!

Ben:Why does Santa have to leave?

Ross:Well, because after Christmas, Santa has to go back to the North Pole to start making toys for next Christmas.

Ben:But why can't he just stay here?

Ross:Because... because the reindeer get very tired, and they need to rest. Plus, Santa has to check his list twice to see who was naughty and who was nice.

Ross:Okay, so I'm thinking we get rid of the Santa thing, right? Because it's not scientifically accurate. I mean, one man, flying around the world in one night? The physics alone...

Ben:But Dad, I like Santa.

Ross:I know, buddy, but what if instead we tell you about the armadillo? Now that's a fascinating creature. They have this incredible outer shell made of bone and—

Ben:I like Santa better.

Ross:Fine! Fine, okay, I'll just... I'll light the menorah, say the blessings, maybe eat some latkes, and call it a day.

Ross:No elaborate historical reenactments. No educational slide shows. No homemade dreidels carved from reclaimed wood.

Ross:Just... Hanukkah. Regular Hanukkah. The way normal people do it.

Joey:Hey guys! I'm Superman!

Chandler:Joey, what are you doing?

Joey:I'm Superman! I came to save Christmas!

Ross:Joey, this is Hanukkah.

Joey:I know! Superman saves everyone!

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me we can't rebuild the wall because of the skylight?

Phoebe:But... but I always thought that skylight was a mistake.

Phoebe:Oh my God. We've had natural light this whole time and nobody told me?

Phoebe:My grandmother's spirit guides me. She tells me things all the time.

Rachel:Really? And when does she usually tell you these things?

Phoebe:Whenever I need to hear them.

Rachel:How convenient for your grandmother.

Rachel:Maybe your grandmother wants you to be happy and have a family.

Phoebe:How did you know that? Oh my God, are you psychic?

Rachel:So your grandmother is saying you should share your things?

Phoebe:Yeah, but I don't think she was talking about my stuff.

Rachel:You know, Phoebe, I think the problem with this chair is that it's just not very comfortable.

Phoebe:Oh, I know! We could put a cushion on it.

Rachel:Or we could just get a new chair. I mean, why sit around and take it lying down?

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. You're sitting down, not lying down.

Ben:So the Maccabees were like the Avengers of ancient Israel, right? They fought the evil empire... I mean, the Seleucids. And then there's the whole thing with the oil lamp that burned for eight days instead of one. That's basically like when Superman gets his powers from the sun, except Jewish and with more oil.

Ben:And that's why Superman is actually Moses!

Ross:Well, actually, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster, both Jewish writers, in 1938. But Moses predates the character by approximately 3,200 years.

Ben:Why is Santa kissing Aunt Monica?

Ben:Why does Santa kiss mommy?

Chandler:Well, I asked myself the same question.

Joey:Oh my God. It looks like a parade float died in here.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Is that a porcupine?

Chandler:It's an armadillo.

Joey:No, no, I'm pretty sure that's a porcupine.

Rachel:Joey, it's just a spider! Get out from under the table!