The One Where Theyre Up All Night

Ross:Well, technically, the comet has already started its trajectory toward Earth approximately 4.6 billion years ago when the solar system formed, so depending on your definition of 'starts,' we could argue it began its current orbital path around—

Rachel:Oh my God, Ross, we don't need a lecture!

Joey:Yeah man, just answer the question.

Ross:Fine, fine! I'll stop. I know I can be a bit... pedagogical.

Chandler:A bit? Ross, you turned a discussion about pizza into a lecture on the history of tomato cultivation.

Monica:And last week you corrected Joey's grammar three times in one sentence.

Ross:That's because he said 'between you and I'—

Rachel:See? You're doing it right now!

Ross:Okay, okay. I hear you. No more correcting. No more explaining. I'll just... sit here and not say anything.

Phoebe:Thank you.

Ross:You're welcome. By the way, 'thank you' is grammatically the correct response, not 'thanks.'

Everyone:ROSS!

Ross:I promise I'll stop being pedantic.

Ross:So... words are things we use to talk. You know what a word is, right? It's like a sound, but with meaning. Kind of like how a cup holds things, but with sounds instead.

Ross:Okay, I'm just gonna keep this simple and—actually, did you know that the word 'simple' comes from the Latin 'simplex,' meaning 'of one fold,' whereas complexity derives from 'complexus'—wait, no, I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Character:It's just a plane.

Ross:Well, actually, that's fascinating when you think about it. I mean, we're all just hurtling through space on a rock, and this plane is hurtling through the sky on... well, metal and jet fuel. Really, we're not that different.

Character:Can you see our apartment from a plane?

Character:No.

Character:Why did you say that so fast?

Chandler:You know what's crazy? When you think about infinite space, it really makes you wonder about your place in the universe.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, that's deep. Hey, is that girl checking me out?

Chandler:I'm freezing out here! This is ridiculous. We've been waiting for hours.

Monica:It'll be worth it, the comet only comes by every 75 years.

Chandler:Yeah, well maybe I won't be here in 75 years, but I'm pretty sure I won't make it through tonight. This is your fault!

Monica:My fault? How is this my fault?

Chandler:You didn't tell me to bring a jacket!

Chandler:I'm not cold.

Monica:Then why are you wearing my jacket?

Chandler:It's flattering.

Phoebe:Oh, you guys want to be alone? That's so sweet! I'll just sit here quietly.

Male Character:Actually, we'd really prefer if you—

Phoebe:Shh, I'm being invisible.

Female Character:You're literally sitting between us.

Phoebe:Psst... psst... is anyone going to help me?

Ross:There it is! There it is!

Character:What? Where?

Ross:The comet! The comet!

Character:Oh my God, that's not a comet. That's just a bug stuck in tar.

Joey:Two women!

Joey:Hey! What is this? A comet? No wait... Burger King comet!

Joey:Look! A comet!

Joey:It's the Haley-Bop!

Ross:Actually, it's Hale-Bopp.

Joey:That's what I said!

Ross:No, you said Haley-Bop, like the actress Haley—

Joey:Ross! We're about to be hit by a comet! Can we not do this right now?

Chandler:Which movie is which?

Monica:If you wake me up one more time, I will show you Armageddon.

Chandler:Look at this romance novel cover. There's a man with his shirt off, rippling muscles, holding a woman in a passionate embrace. Her dress is torn, her hair is flowing in the wind. His eyes are smoldering with desire...

Chandler:And she's looking up at him with complete surrender, like he's the only thing in the world that matters... *yawns and his head nods forward, eyes closing*

Chandler:I just want to read in the bedroom.

Monica:Well, I kicked you out last time, and I'm not afraid to do it again!

Phoebe:Oh my God, what is that sound? Is that... are those aliens? Oh God, it's aliens, isn't it? They're finally here to take me back.

Phoebe:Why is it still beeping? I unplugged it!

Phoebe:You know what? I don't even care anymore. Nothing matters anyway because we're all just gonna—

Alarm:*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

Phoebe:Oh, come ON! I'm trying to have an existential crisis here!

Joey:Why don't we just go back inside?

Ross:What? Joey, we're stuck on the roof!

Joey:No, I mean through the window we climbed out of.

Ross:You're right, you're right! The fire escape is the way out!

Ross:Help! Help! Somebody help me! I'm stuck! Help!

Chandler:I'm making warm milk.

Monica:In a colander?

Chandler:I can't believe how engaging this book is. It's all Oprah's fault.

Chandler:She picks it for her book club and suddenly everyone thinks it's good.

Monica:Wait, what? My sister dies in my book?

Chandler:No, no, that was a different book.

Monica:Oh my God, you spoiled it anyway!

Monica:Wait, you thought someone died in Winnie the Pooh?

Chandler:Well, Piglet looked pretty rough in that one chapter.

Rachel:Oh come on, Tag, you always laugh at my jokes.

Tag:I don't get it.

Rachel:Well, maybe if you didn't keep your phone in your back pocket, you'd have room for a sense of humor.

Rachel:I wrote this really serious work note, you know, very professional and demanding.

Rachel:But then I added a little heart at the end to soften it.

Rachel:Well, at least I don't answer my phone in the middle of a conversation and pretend I didn't hear you the first time.

Rachel:Remember when you did that at Central Perk? Everyone saw.

Chandler:Hey, nice work on the bra.

Monica:What? It's not undone!

Chandler:I know. That's why I'm complimenting my work.

Ross:It's just like skydiving, except you don't have a parachute, there's no plane, and the ground is very close.

Joey:That's not reassuring!

Joey:What if I smack my head on concrete?

Ross:You'll die.

Joey:Heads I jump, tails you jump.

Ross:Okay, flip it.

Joey:Oh no.

Ross:What?

Joey:It rolled under the fridge.

Phoebe:Oh my God, what do you want from me?! I replaced your batteries! I cleaned you! What else do you need?! Do you want me to adopt you?!

Rachel:Oh my God, is this your girlfriend?

Tag:No, that's my sister.

Rachel:Well, she's really pretty... for your sister.

Rachel:You know what? You're right. If you can text while walking, anything is possible.

Rachel:So you keep your phone in your pants pocket?

Tag:Yeah, it's convenient. Why?

Rachel:Tag, that's your butt.

Tag:I know where my pocket is.

Rachel:No, I mean... you're literally sitting on your phone all day. That's why it keeps cutting out.

Tag:It cuts out?

Rachel:Yes! Every time you sit down, you're crushing it.

Tag:Well, maybe people just have bad cell service.

Rachel:Tag, no. It's your butt.

Monica:Are you still awake?

Chandler:Well, if I wasn't awake, how would I be able to answer you?

Joey:I should've gotten the steak. No wait, the fish was good. Why do I always have to choose? From now on, I'm ordering both. Steak AND fish. That's my life philosophy now.

Phoebe:Oh, you know what? Screw you, smoke alarm! You think you're so smart with your little beeping? Well, you're not! You're just a stupid box on the ceiling that nobody likes!

Chandler:You fell asleep during sex.

Monica:I did not!

Chandler:You were snoring.

Monica:I don't snore!

Chandler:You were drooling on my chest.

Monica:I was not drooling!

Chandler:You called me 'Mom.'

Monica:That's a lie! I would never... okay, maybe I did, but I was clearly awake!

Chandler:If you don't get up right now, I'm going to make coffee.

Monica:I'm up! I'm up!

Rachel:I didn't put those contracts on your desk.

Tag:Oh really? Then how did you know they were on my desk?

Rachel:Oh my God, you're right. You're so smart. That's actually really hot.

Phoebe:It's not mine!

Fireman:Ma'am, it has your name on it.

Phoebe:I wrapped it in a blanket with my name on it specifically so people would know it's not Monica's!

Fireman:Ma'am, why did you pull the fire alarm?

Phoebe:I have the right to remain silent.

Fireman:This isn't a police matter, it's a fire safety issue.

Phoebe:I know my rights! Anything you say can and will be used against me in a court of law.

Fireman:There's a reset button.

Phoebe:Oh thank God!

Phoebe:Where is it?

Fireman:It's right here.

Phoebe:I'm pushing it and nothing's happening!

Fireman:You have to hold it down for ten seconds.

Phoebe:Oh... I only did five.

Joey:Get off me!

Ross:I'm trying! I'm trying!

Joey:You're crushing me!

Ross:I know, I know. I had a big lunch.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch the hand placement, man!

Ross:I'm trying! You're the one who suggested this shortcut!

Joey:My pants just ripped!

Ross:Oh God, please tell me you're wearing underwear.

Joey:Of course I'm wearing underwear!

Ross:Thank God.

Joey:Yeah... about that. I'm not anymore.

Joey:Ow! My ankle! I can't... wait, is that a quarter?

Chandler:We have seven minutes.

Monica:Seven minutes? That's barely enough time to clean the bathroom!

Chandler:I wasn't talking about cleaning.

Monica:Well, what else could you possibly do in seven minutes?