The One Where Rachel Tells...

Monica:I packed for you, but I couldn't find your Speedo.

Chandler:That's because I don't own a Speedo.

Monica:Well, that's what I figured.

Chandler:I don't own a Speedo. I have a regular, long bathing suit.

Monica:That's just what you call it.

Rachel:Wait, you guys... Joey's the only blood relative to the baby.

Joey:What? No I'm not!

Rachel:Yes you are. You're my half-brother.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's terrible! I mean, why would they do that? It's like the universe is conspiring against us, you know? It's all connected, like the chakras, and the energy, and... wait, am I doing that thing again where I talk like I'm in a soap opera?

Phoebe:I can keep secrets! I'm very good at keeping secrets.

Monica:Phoebe, you told everyone about my new apartment before I could tell them myself.

Phoebe:That was different! I thought it was public information.

Phoebe:I'm great at keeping secrets. I haven't told anyone that Monica is—

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Phoebe:What? I stopped myself. And I would never tell anybody that Ross—

Rachel:Phoebe!

Phoebe:I know, I know. See? I'm keeping it in.

Joey:Will you tell me the secrets later?

Phoebe:Well, you already know them, so I'm not really revealing anything.

Phoebe:We should follow our friends' relationship milestones.

Mike:Well, that's a very interesting perspective, Phoebe. However, I believe we should establish our own timeline based on mutual understanding and personal readiness, rather than succumbing to social pressure or external benchmarks.

Phoebe:Well, Mike, remember when you ate a sandwich over Monica's white couch and got mayo on it?

Mike:That was one time!

Phoebe:Exactly. One time was enough for Monica to revoke your key privileges.

Mike:I do wash the towels!

Phoebe:No, you don't.

Mike:You're right, I don't.

Phoebe:So what stuff do you have in the apartment?

Mike:Well, I've got my guitar, some books, my collection of vinyl records...

Phoebe:What about the most important thing?

Mike:My leftover lasagna in the fridge.

Joey:Hey, it's Joey Tribbiani in 4G. Yeah, I got an emergency here. My toilet's overflowing and there's water everywhere!

Joey:Yeah, yeah, it's bad. Oh, and hey, while you're coming up, could you grab me a sandwich? A turkey sandwich? Actually, make it roast beef.

Ross:Oh no, I forgot my museum pass! We can't go on the honeymoon without it!

Rachel:Ross, it's our honeymoon.

Ross:I know, and it's going to be so romantic. The Natural History Museum has a new wing on Paleolithic tools. We can't miss that!

Joey:I slept with Rachel!

Ross:Yeah, I know.

Joey:You know?!

Ross:Yeah, everyone knows.

Joey:You gotta be more shocked, man. Like this.

Ross:Oh my God!

Joey:You know what my problem is? I'm too good-looking. Women see me and they immediately think 'relationship,' not 'casual dating.' I mean, look at me. How could anyone just keep this as a fling?

Chandler:Could they BE any more in the way?

Monica:Aww, that's sweet. They're in love.

Chandler:Yeah, well, their love is blocking the line. I like my love orderly, with good lighting and comfortable seating.

Monica:Did you see that? They just got upgraded to first class! Why didn't we get upgraded?

Monica:We should go to the hotel and complain about something so we can get upgraded.

Chandler:But we're already married.

Monica:Okay, when he comes in, I want you to run up and kiss me like you mean it.

Monica:Not like you actually like me or anything, just... convincingly.

Chandler:I told you we should go around! But no, you all had to go through the middle like some kind of herd of confused cattle.

Ross:Chandler, we didn't know there was going to be a—

Chandler:A what? A disaster? A catastrophe? Because I predicted that! I literally said, 'This will end badly,' and you all looked at me like I was insane!

Monica:We get it, Chandler.

Chandler:Do you? Do you really? Because I'm not feeling the 'getting it.' I'm feeling a lot of not listening to Chandler, which is apparently the default setting for this group.

Chandler:So... are we even going to sit together?

Mike:You can trust me with your key.

Phoebe:Oh, I know I can. But I have to take it to this place... it's a key-shining place. They make your keys all shiny and new.

Mike:A key-shining place?

Phoebe:Yeah, it's in Brooklyn. You wouldn't know it.

Superintendent Treeger:Joey, why did you break down my door?

Joey:There was a gas emergency! I didn't have time to find my keys.

Superintendent Treeger:So you just smashed through the door?

Joey:I was panicking! You know how long it takes to find keys?

Treeger:Yeah, well, it's not the first time this has happened.

Phoebe:You know, you could've just used a key.

Monica:Oh my God, look at all this fruit!

Chandler:Monica, don't—

Monica:There's a pineapple! An actual pineapple!

Attendant:Can I help you find something?

Chandler:We're not supposed to be here, are we?

Attendant:Can I see your tickets, please?

Chandler:Oh, the tickets? Yeah, they're... they're in my other pants.

Attendant:Sir, you're wearing pants.

Chandler:Right, well these are my OTHER other pants. I have a lot of pants.

Attendant:I'm going to need to see some ID.

Chandler:ID? Sure! I'm... I'm actually the pilot. Captain... Chandler Bing. And this is my first-class seat right here. See? It has a massage chair. And caviar. And a... a hot tub.

Attendant:I'm so sorry, sir. Those tickets are counterfeit. You can't go in.

Chandler:Oh, well, thank you for the apology. That really means a lot. I feel so much better now that you've said sorry. In fact, I'm going to frame that apology and hang it in my apartment right next to my fake tickets.

Ross:It's like a seesaw, you know? Up and down, up and down...

Ross:Sometimes you're on top, sometimes I'm on top...

Ross:And sometimes we both just jump off and there's this moment where nobody's on the seesaw and it's just... there.

Rachel:Ross, we need to talk.

Ross:Oh my God, yes! Yes, I know what this is about. Rachel, I'm so glad you brought this up because I have been wanting to tell you how I feel.

Rachel:You do?

Ross:Yes! I'm in love with you. I have been for so long and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

Rachel:Ross... what are you talking about?

Ross:I know you're still in love with me.

Rachel:I'm married.

Rachel:I'm pregnant.

Ross:

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Only 97% effective? That's not good enough! I mean, what if I bought a parachute that was only 97% effective? I'd be very upset!

Ross:So why is it okay for condoms?

Ross:They don't put a warning on the box!

Rachel:Yes, they do. It says right on there: 'Ninety-seven percent effective.'

Ross:That's not a warning!

Ross:It says 'Some Assembly Required' on the box, but I've been working on this for three hours!

Ross:They need bigger warnings. Like, 'WARNING: This will destroy your will to live' or 'CAUTION: You will question every decision that led you here.'

Ross:And there should be a picture of a man crying. Just a grown man, tears streaming down his face, holding a mysterious Allen wrench.

Rachel:Can we please just move past the condom discussion?

Ross:Oh sure, yeah. I've actually forgotten all about them since they don't work anyway.

Rachel:You seem freaked out.

Ross:I'm not freaked out. I'm just... exercising my right as a consumer to express my dissatisfaction with a product or service.

Ross:I want to speak to a manager.

Ross:Actually, you know what? I want to speak to the manager's manager.

Ross:In fact, I want to speak to whoever runs this entire operation. I want the CEO. I want the president of the company on the phone right now!

Ross:Yes, hello, I'd like to speak to someone about a defective condom... No, I don't want to press 1 for English, I'm already speaking English!

Ross:Look, I don't have time for this menu system. This is urgent!

Ross:No, I will NOT hold. Do you have any idea what's at stake here?!

Joey:Mr. Treeger, please don't tell Monica and Chandler about the door.

Mr. Treeger:Why not?

Joey:Because they're gonna kill me! Look, what if we just don't say anything? It'll be like it never happened.

Mr. Treeger:The door's completely destroyed, Joey.

Joey:I know, I know. But think about it from the door's perspective. It's confused, it's scared... it's in a lot of pain.

Treeger:Yeah, I do yoga. You got a problem with that?

Treeger:It's for flexibility and inner peace, alright?

Ross:Oh my God! The door!

Joey:What? What's wrong with the door?

Ross:What's wrong with it?! It's completely destroyed!

Joey:So you think the landlord's gonna notice?

Ross:Rachel's pregnant.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rachel's pregnant?!

Monica:Joey, you knew that.

Joey:Yeah, but I didn't know that *you* knew that I knew that.

Ross:You knew about this the whole time, didn't you?

Joey:I may have heard some things.

Ross:I called the condom company to complain about a defective product instead of being there for Rachel.

Joey:Wait, so condoms don't work like 100% of the time?

Ross:No, they're about 97% effective.

Joey:Oh, so like the same odds as the box saying 'one size fits all'?

Joey:Why does it say 'Fragile' on the box? There's nothing fragile in there!

Phoebe:That's because it says 'Fragile,' not 'Handle with care.' Fragile means it breaks easily.

Joey:Wait, what? I've been throwing these boxes around for twenty minutes!

Joey:I was wrong. I accept that. Moving on.

Monica:No! No, we don't want the honeymoon suite! We don't want anything from you! We just want to go to our room, pack our bags, and get out of here!

Monica:Excuse me, but we booked this honeymoon suite first!

Other woman:Actually, we got married yesterday.

Other man:So technically, we're on our honeymoon right now.

Monica:Well, so are we!

Other woman:Yeah, but ours just started.

Monica:You're not the only ones on your honeymoon!

Monica:We need to think about our future. A house, investments, security.

Chandler:Yeah, we can't just wing it like some people.

Phoebe:You know what Mike and I do? We just look into each other's eyes and feel grateful for the moment.

Mike:Life's about connection, not things.

Monica:Right, but what about when you get older and—

Phoebe:As long as we have each other, that's enough.

Chandler:That's... that's really nice, actually.

Monica:So we're the materialistic ones now?

Monica:That's beautiful. I want that. I want someone to say that to me. But I also want a really nice apartment in Manhattan, and clothes, and I want to be able to go out to dinner whenever I want. So, you know, ideally I'd like both.

Joey:Hey Chandler, there's a gas leak in my apartment!

Chandler:Joey, that's just you.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. No, everything's fine. Why? Oh, that? That's just... that's just the radiator. Yeah, it does that. No, the ceiling's supposed to be like that. Look, I gotta go. Gotta go!

Nurse:Are you comfortable?

Rachel:Well, no. I mean, how comfortable can you be with a man you just met having his hands all over your... you know.

Rachel:Oh my God, this monitor is so cool! Do you think they sell these at Design Within Reach?

Rachel:And these IV stands? Very minimalist. Very now.

Ross:Rachel, I'm so sorry about what I said. I feel terrible.

Rachel:Ross, you can apologize, but you're going to have to do it from over there. I'm not exactly in a position to move right now.

Ross:Right, of course. I just wanted you to know—

Rachel:Actually, if you're going to keep talking, could you at least stand where I can see you? This angle is not doing you any favors.

Rachel:Ross, you need to stay still for the doctor!

Rachel:No, no, no — to the left. Your other left!

Rachel:Okay, good boy. Good boy. Now sit. Sit!

Rachel:Who's a good patient? Who's a good patient? You are!

Rachel:No treats until after the exam, Ross!

Ross:So we need to start thinking about the nursery, and daycare, and of course the wedding—

Rachel:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wedding?

Ross:I mean... for when we get married.

Rachel:Ross, we're not getting married.

Ross:Oh. Right. Yeah, I knew that.

Rachel:Wait, wait. Every time something goes wrong in your life, you propose to someone?

Ross:That's not true!

Rachel:You proposed to Emily, you proposed to Rachel, you proposed to Bonnie...

Ross:You can't handle single parenthood. You don't even know how to make a proper meal. You'd probably feed the baby takeout every night.

Rachel:That is not true! I'm perfectly capable of—

Ross:Rachel, last week you microwaved a salad.

Rachel:I don't need a man to take care of me. I'm completely independent.

Ross:Oh yeah? Name one thing you've done completely on your own.

Rachel:I... I got my own apartment!

Ross:Your father pays your rent.

Rachel:Well, I bought my own furniture!

Ross:Monica helped you pick it out and Chandler carried it up the stairs.

Rachel:Okay, fine. But I got myself this job!

Ross:You asked Monica's boss for it at Thanksgiving.

Rachel:Oh, so now you're attacking the way I eat? That's rich coming from you, Mr. I-Chew-Each-Bite-Forty-Times!

Ross:That's called proper digestion, Rachel.

Rachel:It's called being boring! By the time you finish one plate, I've already had dessert and moved on with my life!

Ross:Well, maybe if you grew up with Monica, you'd understand that if you don't eat fast, you don't eat.

Doctor's polite understatement about obvious inappropriate situation

Ross:I'm the father.

Ross:We're not together anymore.

Ross:Why won't you just admit that you need me?

Rachel:I don't need you, Ross. I can stand on my own two feet.

Ross:That's not what I meant.

Rachel:Well, during the exam, I was literally sitting down the whole time.

Ross:Look at that! That's our baby!

Rachel:I can't see it.

Ross:You told the doctor you had maternal bonding with the baby?

Rachel:Well, I didn't want him to think I was a bad mother!

Ross:So you lied to your doctor?

Rachel:I was hormonal, Ross! I panic-bonded!

Rachel:I lied! I'm not actually pregnant. I just wanted to see if you guys would still love me.

Rachel:And now I've failed as a mother before I even had a child. I'm the worst person alive.

Ross:Can you see it now?

Rachel:No, I still can't see it.

Ross:Look, there's the baby. See the head right there?

Rachel:Oh my God, I see it! Oh wait... that's it?

Phoebe:So the new lock is really secure? Because I was thinking about breaking in again for food.

Joey:We should show everyone the ultrasound picture.

Monica:I can't see it either.

Phoebe:No, no, no, it's right there. See? Right there by the window.

Monica:Where? I don't see it.

Phoebe:Right there! By the curtain!

Rachel:Oh my God, I lost it again.

Phoebe:You just looked at it!

Rachel:I know! I know where it was, and then I looked away for like two seconds...

Monica:My way of packing is very efficient. I have a system.

Monica:Wait, what day do we leave? Oh my God, oh my God! We're not ready! Nothing is packed! Why is nothing packed?!

Airline Agent:Ms. Bing?

Monica:It's actually Mrs. Bing now.

Chandler:Yeah, and she's not happy about it.

Chandler:See? Compromise works.

Monica:Oh yes, because taking your last name was such a small thing for me to give up.

Monica:Oh my God, thank God it was just my bracelet! I was so worried they were going to find something actually suspicious.

Security Guard:We need to warn you, making jokes about bombs is strictly prohibited.

Chandler:Well, that sucks. Because I've got a million of 'em.

Chandler:I wasn't making a bomb joke! I was talking about how my dating life is like a time bomb—it's going to explode at some point, and when it does, there will be collateral damage.

Monica:Chandler, that doesn't help.

Chandler:What? I'm just saying that I have the timing of a detonation, the precision of a professional demolitions expert, and I've been reading a lot about pressure points and weak structural integrity lately.

Security:What's your relationship to Chandler Bing?

Monica:Oh, well, we're married. But it's very new!

Monica:We always plan ahead. We have a plan for everything.

Security Officer:You have a plan?

Chandler:Well, not a good plan.

Monica:No, no, no! You're messing up my system! Everything has a place!

Security:Ma'am, we have to check your luggage.

Monica:But I color-coded everything! See? All the blues together, all the greens together. And my socks are rolled, not folded!

Security:I understand, but—

Monica:You don't understand! This is chaos! Pure chaos!

Chandler:Could I BE any more embarrassed? They found a speedo in my luggage!