The One Where Rachel Has A Baby (2)

Ross:How are you feeling?

Rachel:How am I feeling? Like someone's ripping out my internal organs through my pelvis with a claw hammer made of fire!

Janice:I'm pregnant!

Chandler:Oh. My. God.

Monica:Well, if you eat the gorilla, at least you can talk to it first and explain why you're eating it. With the dog, it just trusts you.

Joey:That's very nice, Mon, but I'm not asking what you would do. I'm asking what a *normal* person would do.

Chandler:I can't believe we're doing this.

Janice:Oh, come on, it'll be fun! Besides, you're the big spoon.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I feel more like a fork right now.

Ross:The baby's probably comfortable in there. It's warm, it's safe... maybe the baby just doesn't want to leave.

Rachel:Or maybe the baby just doesn't want to come out because you're going to be its father.

Rachel:Get me an epidural! Now!

Monica:Rachel, we're not at the hospital yet!

Rachel:I don't care! I need drugs!

Chandler:Well, I might have something in my apartment...

Joey:Yeah! We could all just smoke her out!

Monica:Joey, that is NOT helping!

Janice:Oh. My. God. I'm dilating faster than you!

Janice:I win! I win! My baby's coming first!

Patient/Guy:There was a man in my room last night. A doctor. I saw him clear as day.

Nurse:Honey, that's the pain medication talking.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you saying I'm a bad actor?

Joey:I've been on Days of Our Lives! I've won a Daytime Emmy... okay, I didn't win it, but I was in the room when someone won it!

Joey:Hey, I'm trying to help you out here, man. I'm sharing something personal.

Ross:What? What are you talking about?

Joey:I once dated a woman with a wooden leg. Her name was Gina. She was a dancer.

Ross:Joey, that's—

Joey:No wait, I'm not done. The point is, you gotta put yourself out there. You can't be picky about these things.

Ross:I'm not picky, I just... I don't think that's the same thing.

Joey:What else you got?

Rachel:I have a phobia of cotton balls.

Joey:Okay, so I'm reading this list of shocking revelations, right? And it starts off bad... then it gets worse... and worse... and THEN—

Joey:I find out that Rachel actually DID get off the plane!

Ross:Joey, this isn't helping. You've just described every guy in New York.

Joey:Yeah, I know what you mean. I hardly ever feel an instant connection with someone.

Doctor:Oh my God!

Rachel:What?! What is it?!

Doctor:I've never seen anything like this before.

Rachel:What?! Is the baby okay?!

Doctor:The baby is breech.

Ross:Breech? What does that mean?

Doctor:The buttocks are coming out first.

Ross:Oh, thank God! I thought you were going to say it had my mother's personality.

Rachel:Is there any way someone else can just... finish this for me?

Doctor:I'm afraid that's not how it works.

Rachel:What if we just... called Monica? She's good at everything!

Rachel:Thanks for the major ordeal of birth.

Nurse:Baby Girl Greene

Ross:Actually, it should be Greene-Geller. Or Geller-Greene. I'm not picky about the order, but my name does need to be in there.

Monica:Oh, he's so beautiful. Look at his little fingers. Look at his little toes.

Chandler:Yeah, he's perfect.

Monica:I can't believe he's ours.

Chandler:I know. Although, I gotta say, for something we made with no effort whatsoever, he's pretty great.

Monica:I mean, do you realize I was in labor for 19 hours?

Phoebe:Oh my God, is this real? Can I touch it? Oh wow, it's so soft. And warm! Is it supposed to be this warm? That's so weird.

Phoebe:Oh, what a beautiful baby! So precious and perfect. I could just... squeeze you to death!

Phoebe:But I won't. I won't do that.

Rachel:It's normal to cry after giving birth!

Rachel:I'm not crying because of hormones... I can't find my slippers.

Chandler:Wait, you're not actually naming her 'Baby Girl'?

Ross:We're going to name her Isabella.

Rachel:No. No, that's not her vibe at all.

Monica:Delilah? That's the woman who cut off Samson's hair and betrayed him to the Philistines. That's not a name, that's a cautionary tale.

Monica:I've had names picked out since I was 14.

Ross:Let me guess... Pizza? Nacho? Meatball?

Monica:We're naming her Emma.

Chandler:Emma? Really? That's the name of every other baby in New York right now.

Monica:Well, Emma Geller sounds nice, but Emma Bing sounds like a sound effect.

Janice:This is my son, Chandler Jr.

Other Character:He's beautiful, Janice.

Janice:I know! And he's already engaged. I've arranged a marriage with Monica and Chandler's baby. Isn't that wonderful?

Monica:Wait, what? We haven't even decided on a name yet!

Janice:Oh, it's all settled. I've had my lawyer draw up the prenup. The wedding will be at The Plaza in the fall of 2027.

Janice:What happens when Ross remarries?

Rachel:We'll just have to get divorced again.

Janice:My ex-husband's new girlfriend? She's nothing but a gold-digging tramp who couldn't tell a Hermès bag from a garbage bag!

Ross:Oh, wow. She's... she's beautiful. She has your eyes.

Janice:Thank you!

Ross:And... and she has your nose.

Rachel:Ross, you forgot the sodas.

Ross:I know, I know, I was talking to that nurse and I just...

Rachel:Yeah, well, one day you're gonna be performing surgery and someone's gonna sneeze and you're not gonna notice because you're too busy flirting with some cute anesthesiologist.

Monica:I can't decide who Emma looks like.

Ross:Well, she has your eyes.

Monica:Really?

Ross:No, those are Rachel's.

Monica:But she's only twenty-four!

Joey:Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That's not fair! How come she gets two?!

Rachel:I mean, come on, Ross. You're not even sure about us yet.

Ross:What? Of course I'm sure about us!

Rachel:Well, you know what? Your future wife—or whatever—is gonna hate me anyway.

Monica:So we're really doing this? We're going to try to have a baby?

Chandler:Yeah, I think so. I mean, unless you've changed your mind?

Monica:No, no, I haven't. It's just... remember when we found out we couldn't have kids naturally, and we got all romantic in the hospital? Well, turns out that was the most fertile I've been in years.