The One With Rachels Date

Phoebe:Oh! So like, if you understand something, you're really a sous-understand!

Phoebe:Pesto? That's the best-o!

Phoebe:That's the best-o!

Tim:Well, that's good-o!

Monica:Monica: 'All right, let's just cut to the chase. Okay? You're single, you're single.'

Monica:I didn't yell! I was just... expressing my feelings in a loud voice!

Tim:Monica, you threw a spatula.

Monica:That's the jar system! You yell, you put a dollar in the jar. I was simply... vigorously gesturing.

Chandler's boss:Uh, Chandler? I have a question about the computer system.

Chandler:Yes, sir?

Chandler's boss:How do I, uh... how do I access the internet from my office without the, uh, the main server logging it?

Chandler:Um... I'm sorry, sir. I can't help you with that.

Chandler's boss:Why not? You're in the computer department!

Chandler:Because I'm pretty sure that's not what the internet is for.

Chandler:I'm not a joker. I'm just a guy whose email got forwarded to the wrong person.

Joey:You don't like the food at Hard Rock Cafe. You like the Hard Rock Cafe.

Joey:Wait, my name's not Toby?

Chandler:No, Joey. Your name is Joey. It's always been Joey.

Joey:For five years?

Chandler:So I'm at the coffee shop, right? And the barista asks for my name. I say 'Chandler.' He writes down 'Chondor.' I don't correct him because I'm worried he'll spit in my coffee.

Chandler:Now every time I go there, I'm Chondor. My latte tastes fine, so I figure, what's the harm?

Chandler:Then last week, my credit card gets declined. Turns out someone's been charging things under the name Chondor. The cost to fix my identity: $500. The cost of a free latte: $6.

Chandler:So I've paid $500 to save myself from a potential spit latte. And you know what the beautiful part is? The barista probably would've spit in it anyway, and I would've deserved it.

Chandler:Look, Toby's not that bad. He's actually a pretty decent guy when you get to know him.

Monica:Chandler, you hate Toby.

Chandler:No I don't! I think Toby Muriel Bing is a perfectly fine name!

Joey:Wait, did you just say Muriel?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. What?

Chandler:Yeah.

Joey:You're... you're serious?

Chandler:Completely serious.

Joey:Oh my God!

Joey:Chandler Muriel Bing? That's the gayest name I've ever heard.

Chandler:Thank you.

Joey:I wasn't finished. And I mean that in the worst way possible.

Soap Opera Doctor:The brain has been successfully transplanted, but the body is rejecting it. We may need to consider another approach.

Soap Opera Doctor:Oh, and we'll need to locate the original body. It seems to have gone missing from the morgue.

Joey:So what happens next in your show?

Kash:Honestly? I have no idea. I don't even watch it.

Extra:Oh, congratulations, everyone. That was a great scene.

Actor:Thanks. Weren't you in that scene?

Extra:No.

Actor:Then why are you congratulating us?

Rachel:I don't watch soap operas.

Rachel:Wait, is that the guy who dated that actress from that thing? Because I heard he was actually married to someone else when they met, and then he had that whole scandal with the producer's daughter...

Rachel:Oh my God, you're that guy from the soap!

Actor:Yeah, that's me.

Rachel:I can't believe this!

Rachel:You know what? I'm just gonna say it — you are so incredibly attractive.

Actor:Well, thank you.

Rachel:No, I mean, like, I want to touch your face.

Rachel:Can I touch your face?

Actor:Um... okay?

Phoebe:So Tim and I went back to his place, and he said, 'I want to be your sous chef.' And I said, 'OK!' So he tied me up and left me in the kitchen for three hours.

Monica:He literally set someone on fire.

Monica:Oh my God, did you hear? The pastry chef's kitchen caught fire!

Monica:I mean... that's terrible. But also... *smiles darkly* ...kind of perfect.

Monica:It's not singed, it's highlighted.

Joey:A guy at the coffee shop today said you were the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

Rachel:Really? What did you say?

Joey:I said, 'Yeah, I know.'

Rachel:You know? Joey, he was talking about me!

Joey:I know, and I agreed with him.

Joey:I figured you wouldn't be seeing people.

Rachel:Kash doesn't count as people.

Bob:How's Toby doing?

Chandler:I'm not Toby.

Chandler:Well, mathematically, if Bob moves from the 6th floor to the 11th floor, that's a 5-floor increase. And if you divide his salary by the number of floors he's moving up, you get... a promotion.

Chandler:Well, there's always the classic solution: destroy the evidence.

Chandler:Could I BE any more serious?

Monica:Hi, I'm calling about Tim? You recommended him?

Chef:Tim? I don't know any Tim.

Monica:You told me he was the best chef you knew!

Chef:Oh that Tim! Yeah, that was a prank. My buddy and I were messing with people.

Phoebe:Tim is too sweet. Like, he follows me everywhere.

Phoebe:I went to the bathroom, he waited outside the door.

Phoebe:I went to get coffee, he was already there with my order.

Phoebe:He knows where I live, where I work, what time I wake up...

Phoebe:That's not sweet, that's a restraining order waiting to happen.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Tim, you need to back off! You're suffocating me! I can't breathe!

Monica:Wait, I have an idea. What if we just tell Tim that Chandler is moving in with him?

Monica:It's not the same thing! Firing someone is like breaking up with them. Dumping is just cruel.

Phoebe:Well, you have to do it eventually. It's like ripping off a band-aid.

Monica:No, no, no. You don't just dump someone because they're not working out. You have to have a real reason.

Phoebe:What about that girl you fired last month?

Monica:That was different! She was a total blond bitch stereotype who couldn't tell a spatula from a spoon!

Phoebe:Yeah, okay, you go first.

Phoebe:No wait, I'm going first!

Bob:I didn't get the promotion.

Chandler:Oh no, that's terrible! What happened?

Bob:They said I wasn't ready. Can you believe that?

Chandler:Well, maybe the floor was too difficult.

Rachel:I can't drink tonight, I'm on antibiotics.

Rachel:Actually, I'm allergic to alcohol. Just found out.

Rachel:No wait, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Three hours sober.

Rachel:Um, I'm pregnant. We're pregnant. He's pregnant too, it's a whole thing.

Rachel:How about we watch something in English?

Rachel:Is it weird for you that I'm going on a date?

Ross:Weird? No! No, of course not. Why would it be weird?

Ross:I think it's great! I think dating is... it's dull. It's really dull. Probably the dullest thing anyone could do.

Ross:So you have fun with your incredibly boring date.

Ross:I'm not bothered! I suggested we watch Bergman's 'The Seventh Seal' and suddenly I'm pretentious? That's like saying someone's a snob because they prefer fine wine to, I don't know, a juice box!

Joey:You're not worried about Rachel, you're worried about the baby.

Ross:Well, of course I'm worried about the baby. She's carrying my child. If anything happens to her, the baby could be in serious danger.

Rachel:He's taking me on the ferry.

Ross:The ferry? No, no, no. You can't go on the ferry.

Rachel:Why not?

Ross:Because ferries are death traps! They're always breaking down, capsizing, hitting things...

Chandler:Ross, ferries are one of the safest forms of transportation.

Ross:That's what they want you to think!

Ross:I'm telling you, the ferry is dangerous! Did you see that documentary?

Chandler:Ross, millions of people take the ferry every day. You're statistically safer on a ferry than you are driving to work.

Ross:Yeah, well, what about that one time it sank?

Chandler:That was like fifty years ago.

Ross:So? Danger doesn't have an expiration date! And what about terrorists? Or a rogue wave? Or what if a whale decides to attack?

Chandler:A whale? Ross, we're in New York, not Moby Dick.

Ross:You don't know what's in that water, Chandler! For all we know, there could be a giant squid down there just waiting to grab the ferry and pull it under!

Ross:Oh wow, a ferry? That's so dangerous! You'll need to sign a waiver, get life insurance, maybe say goodbye to your loved ones.

Joey:Not slutty enough!

Phoebe:You're a great guy, Tim, but I don't think we should see each other anymore.

Tim:Oh Phoebe, that's what I love about you. You're so honest. You know what? I'm going to write a song about this moment. It'll be our song. Our breakup song. I'll play it for you every day so you never forget me.

Tim:I have to go. There's an emergency at the restaurant.

Tim:But before I leave, I want you to know... you mean everything to me.

Tim:These moments we've shared... I'll never forget them.

Chandler:I get plenty of reading. I read books all the time.

Chandler:Car magazines, cereal boxes...

Ross:It's just... I miss him so much. Every other weekend isn't enough. I want to be there for all his moments, you know? First day of school, soccer games, everything.

Ross:And Carol gets him the rest of the time. She's his mother, I get that, but I'm his father. I should be there more.

Ross:You know what I love most about Sunday mornings? That perfect moment when the whole family is together, just lounging around in their pajamas, reading the paper. The kids are giggling, Rachel's making her special pancakes, and I'm just sitting there with my coffee, reading the science section.

Chandler:Is Rachel still the wife in your fantasy?

Ross:Well, she's... I mean, she's more like the wife and the maid.

Chandler:Fun? What kind of fun? Because I was thinking we could go see a movie or something.

Ross:Oh, there's a great Ukrainian film playing at the Angelika.

Chandler:No. No, no, no. I said fun, Ross. Not punishment.

Chandler:Bob, I finally got your name right!

Bob:Actually, it's Blob.

Chandler:Look, Bob, this is my fault. I should have spoken up for you.

Bob:No, no, no. I'm not going to let Toby protect you.

Chandler:Toby? Who's Toby?

Monica:I'm pregnant.

Phoebe:I'm pregnant.

Monica:Wait, what?

Phoebe:Yeah, what?

Monica:Yeah, chemistry is really important in a relationship.

Phoebe:Totally! If the chemistry isn't there, nothing else matters.

Phoebe:Oh, that's great! I'm sure this time will be different.

Rachel:Well, he spent the whole dinner talking about his ex-girlfriend, he ordered the cheapest thing on the menu and then asked me to split the bill, and when he walked me home he tried to kiss me goodnight but sneezed directly in my face instead.

Rachel quoting Kash:Kash: 'I hear those hemorrhoids are a bitch.'

Ross:Hey, I know how to cheer you up. Did you know Chandler's middle name is Muriel?

Rachel:Muriel? That's hilarious!

Ross:Right? A guy named Chandler Muriel Bing. It's ridiculous.

Ross:See? You're already feeling better! You ate 10 candy bars!

Rachel:Ross, I bought 20.

Bob:Hey Toby, I need your help destroying this office.

Chandler:Okay... but isn't that your office?

Bob:Not anymore!