The One with the Blind Dates

You remembered to put clothes on this morning.

Fifth day's a charm.

And when does she stop crying all night?

Hey! You're not naked.

She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.

when you walk in on a woman using a breast pump.. Yeah, that'll do it.

Well, actually it.. It's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!

Names?

We haven't tried that yet! Goody!

What is there, like, two bites in here?

I may not have kids. Someone's gotta carry on the family name.

I had this date last night. Yuck! But we should probably keep it down, she's still in the bedroom.

You know what the best part of it is? I get to do my plan laugh.

[Joey does evil laugh, woman emerges looking disheveled]

I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.

You want a job? Turn off Oprah and send out a resume.

Now that she eats solid food, she poops around the clock.

Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.

By 'massage' I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.

Come on, who loves puzzles? Well, Ross does.

I'm not allowed to know smart women? Joey? We met at the library. I went in to pee.

It's not Santa's plan. No, it's..

Yeah, you know, it's not that fun. No, I think we killed it.

Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your Uncle Chandler. Funny is all I have!

I don't do that. I'll try to stop.

I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.

I'm not working! There's not much to do around here!

Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.

I don't want to be drunk when I.. go home alone tonight.

Are you worried your date came, saw you and left?

Oh, good, because as of 4:00 this afternoon, I am not.

I know you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute.

Canoodling?

Well, I can't say hump or screw.. in front of the B-A-B-Y.

Well, what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?

I'm kind of funny-looking.

Well, I'm not.

Well, come on, Steve, let's not rule out nervous laughter.

I have a lot of medical problems.

I lost it to drugs.

It's really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money.

And I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.

I do like my hair.

Really?

I'm going to hunt you down and kill you.

You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.

All right, so he gets a little crazy when he's stoned. He's not stoned. Did he go out for a cigarette?

Oh, wait, that's the end of a different plan.

Emma was doing it.

You can't have S-E-X when you're taking care of a B-A-B-I-E.

Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.

We have a bet on how long it'll take before you give up and go home.

Well, that was weird. You were loud and I was fast.

You better hope we're pregnant.. because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel!

Don't touch my coat.

We were playing peekaboo. She loves it when I'm dramatic.

You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Your family name is Tribbiani.

You almost had me.

would you like to make love to me? Really, really not.

It doesn't work anyway.

What size is that?

Oh, so they owe me, like, three Phoebes.

We're geniuses.

Mexico!

Being stood up two nights in a row has left a crab cake sized hole in my heart.

I have such fat hands!

I hate my dick!