The One With The Blind Dates

Monica:Hey, good morning! Did you sleep well?

Rachel:Yeah, great! Why do you ask?

Monica:Well, you're not wearing any pants.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Rachel:Well, you know what they say — third time's a charm!

Rachel:Although, technically, this is the fifth time I'm wearing this outfit.

Monica:Of course you should stay! We want you here.

Monica:Although, you'll have to start paying rent, and my apartment's getting really crowded, and honestly the utilities bill is already insane...

Joey:Wow, you're wearing clothes!

Rachel:Yeah, well, I got dressed.

Joey:I know, but... you're wearing clothes.

Monica:He's sleeping because I gave him a little warm milk and rocked him gently.

Chandler:Oh, how adorable. A baby who needs constant attention and makes noise at 3 AM.

Ross · Chandler:when you walk in on a woman using a breast pump.. Yeah, that'll do it.

Ross:A breakup isn't like a divorce.

Chandler:Actually, it's—

Ross:I know what you're going to say. You're right, I'm sorry. You're always right. I'm an idiot. A complete idiot who knows nothing about relationships or anything else.

Ross:Come on, give me some names. You must know some girls.

Chandler:Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, there's... there's...

Chandler:You know what? I got nothing. I got nothing.

Monica:Try this strained plums baby food.

Chandler:Oh wow, strained plums! Yeah, that's exactly what I've always wanted. Finally, someone's made a food that tastes like it's already been digested.

Chandler:So Ross and Rachel are finally getting their act together?

Chandler:Wait, how much baby food is in one of these jars? This is like a thimble full of carrots. What is this, for ants?

Joey:Come on! You gotta name the kid Joey. Think about it — a little Joey running around the city, living out all my dreams. Plus, the kid gets my good looks, my charm, my acting talent — it's a win-win!

Ross:Joey, those are your dreams. The kid might want to be an accountant or something.

Joey:An accountant? Dude, why would you curse our child like that?

Joey:This date was a disaster. She talked the entire time, complained about everything, and then ordered the most expensive thing on the menu.

Chandler:So what'd you do?

Joey:I did what any gentleman would do. I sat there and suffered through it.

Monica:Please tell me you at least said goodbye.

Joey:I'm about to.

Bad Date:Joey? Are you coming back to the table?

Joey:Most excited about doing evil laugh

Joey:Mwahahaha!

Woman:What are you laughing about?

Joey:Oh, nothing, nothing...

Monica:We are cool! We're on the cutting edge of society.

Monica:In fact, I just bought tickets to see Cher.

Monica:Okay, so you need to be honest with him. Tell him how you really feel.

Monica:And then update your resume, because you're going to need a backup plan.

Rachel:Okay, so if Emma gets fussy, you can give her a bottle. And if she cries after eating, just pat her back gently. Oh, and she's been a little constipated lately, so don't be alarmed if her stool is hard and clay-like. Actually, it's more of a greenish-brown color today. And the texture is sort of like—

Chandler:Wait, Monica was reading obituaries? What was she doing, looking for baby care tips?

Monica:I was reading about people who died peacefully in their sleep.

Chandler:Oh my God, that's your idea of a parenting book?

Phoebe:By 'massage' I mean hold down so he wouldn't turn over and flash me.

Joey:She's got this thing where she just talks and talks about nothing. Just rambles on and on about her day, her thoughts, her feelings...

Joey:Wait a minute... She's perfect for Ross!

Phoebe:Wait, how do you know her?

Joey:I was at the library.

Phoebe:You go to the library?

Joey:Yeah, to pick up women. They love the Dewey Decimal System.

Joey:Mwahahaha! The plan is finally coming together!

Phoebe:What plan?

Joey:You know, THE plan!

Phoebe:I don't know what plan you're talking about.

Joey:Mwahahaha! Mwahahaha!

Phoebe:What are you doing?

Joey:I'm practicing my evil laugh.

Phoebe:Well, it's not working.

Joey:Yeah, I know.

Chandler:Could I BE any worse with children?

Monica:You can't keep doing this, Chandler. You need to stop.

Chandler:I'm not doing anything!

Chandler:Well, I wasn't. But now you've got me thinking about it.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I missed it! I missed the window!

Chandler:What? What window? We can get another window.

Monica:No, Chandler, my ovulation window! It's gone!

Monica:And I just realized... I also forgot to pay the electric bill and it's due TODAY!

Chandler:I was curious!

Ross:Well, I guess I'm buying him a drink.

Rachel:You know what? I'm going to have another drink. Because let's face it, by the end of the night I'm either going to be drunk or depressed, and drunk is more fun.

Ross:She didn't show up. I waited for two hours.

Waitress:At least she didn't show up with someone else.

Monica:I'm still ovulating.

Chandler:And I'm still not ready.

Chandler:I can't perform.

Monica:Could you BE any more dramatic?

Chandler:Did you just say 'making the beast with two backs'? What are we, pirates?

Monica:B-I-T-C-H!

Monica:A-S-S!

Monica:That spells baby!

Monica:You remember that bed-and-breakfast where the deer came through the window?

Chandler:I was not responsible for that! That deer just... appeared!

Rachel:You look really good today.

Steve:Oh, thanks. Yeah, well, I'm thinking of getting some work done. You know, just a little nip and tuck here and there.

Rachel:You must be really rich to be with me.

Ross:Well, actually, I'm not that rich.

Rachel:Oh. Well, you must be really good looking then.

Ross:I'm... I'm not that good looking either.

Rachel:So what is it then?

Ross:I have no idea.

Steve:I'm not funny.

Rachel:Well, at least you're self-aware.

Steve:I have a lot of medical problems.

Rachel:Come on, there has to be something positive about owning a restaurant.

Steve:Well, I guess the good news is I don't own it anymore.

Rachel:What happened?

Steve:I lost it to my addiction.

Rachel:Gambling?

Steve:Cooking.

Rachel:So what do you do?

Steve:I work at Bloomingdale's.

Rachel:Oh, that's nice. What do you do there?

Steve:I'm in charge of the men's department. I fold shirts.

Rachel:You fold shirts?

Steve:Yeah, all day long. Fold, fold, fold. It's a dream come true.

Chandler:I'm not a catch. I'm not even a good throw-in.

Rachel:What do you like about yourself?

Steve:Well, I guess my hair.

Rachel:Oh my God, Steve, you can't be serious. Have you looked in a mirror? Your hair looks like a dead animal that got into a fight with a blender.

Rachel:Phoebe, that guy you set me up with was a nightmare.

Phoebe:What? He seemed nice!

Rachel:Nice? He spent the whole dinner talking about his ex-girlfriend's bunions!

Phoebe:Oh my God, I'm so sorry!

Rachel:You know what? If you ever set me up with anyone again, I will kill you. I will actually murder you.

Rachel:I can't believe you set me up with Steve. He was a nightmare!

Phoebe:Oh, he's not that bad. He's just... misunderstood. And maybe a little socially awkward. Okay, fine, he's terrible, but I didn't know that when I set you up!

Phoebe:Well, he's going through a lot right now. His mother never hugged him, and his father was very critical, and he has this thing where he can't process emotions properly, so he acts out.

Rachel:Phoebe, he's using drugs right now.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, that explains it.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. Are we running from the law or are we going to Mexico for spring break? Because I have two completely different outfits planned.

Monica:Why are you playing peekaboo by yourself?

Chandler:I'm not by myself. Ben's here. He started it.

Joey:You can't just say certain words around children. You have to spell them out.

Joey:Like, 'Don't be a B-I-T-C-H' or 'Stop being such a D-I-C-K.'

Ross:You know, I've been stood up before, but at least those women had the decency to call. I mean, what kind of person just doesn't show up? And then you're left here, alone, eating free crab cakes, which is great, don't get me wrong, but it really makes you think about what you're doing wrong. I mean, is it something I said? Is it the way I dress? Because I can change. I'm very adaptable. And sexually, I'm very... I'm very open-minded. I mean, there are things I'm willing to try that most guys wouldn't even—

Waitress:Sir, I'm just here to refill your water.

Ross:Right, right, of course. But if you know anyone...

Ross:So what's this about a waiters' pool?

Waitress:Oh, we're betting on how long your marriage lasts.

Ross:What?!

Waitress:Yeah, I've got fifty bucks on six months.

Chandler:Look, it was fast, okay? I barely got my pants off.

Monica:Fast? Chandler, you weren't even in the room yet when it was over.

Chandler:Well, I was nervous!

Monica:You were in the hallway!

Monica:If you guys lost her, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna steal a baby.

Rachel:It's okay to cry. There's no shame in it.

Steve:I'm not crying!

Joey:Look, I didn't kidnap her, okay? I was doing performance art. You know, like Yoko Ono.

Monica:Joey, that's not performance art, that's kidnapping.

Joey:Well, maybe Yoko started the same way!

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you guys... you know, did the deed?

Chandler:Yes.

Joey:How'd you know? His hair!

Joey:Look at his hair! He's been very sexual!

Monica:Do you know how much those things cost?

Joey:I'm gonna tell Rachel you ate her cheesecake.

Monica:What do you want?

Joey:I want naming rights. When I have a kid, I get to name him.

Monica:No way.

Joey:Then Rachel finds out about the cheesecake.

Joey:I want to have kids so I can pass on the Tribbiani name.

Chandler:Joey, you're not even passing on your genes.

Joey:Okay, okay, I admit it. My plan didn't work.

Joey:But in my defense, it was a really good plan. It just... had one tiny flaw.

Joey:Actually, it had like... a lot of flaws. But who's counting?

Steve:So what do you say? Want to get coffee sometime?

Rachel:No.

Being rejected for sex Admitting impotence as final self-sabotage

Rachel:What do you think?

Ross:Um, where did you get this?

Rachel:Do you like it?

Ross:It's... it's very... What size is it?

Phoebe:Oh my God! I'm so sorry! I didn't know you guys were... I'll just go.

Monica:Phoebe, it's okay. We were just—

Phoebe:No, no, I get it. You guys are trying to make a baby. That's so sweet!

Rachel:Actually, we're just... we like doing this.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, either way, you're gonna have so many kids. Let's see... I've walked in on you guys like, what, seven times this month? So if you keep this up, you're gonna have like... forty-seven babies by next year.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! See? I told you guys my plan would work!

Joey:Where should I run?

Phoebe:Oh, um, well there's a really nice path behind the old hospital. But if you're wanted for murder, I'd suggest the subway tunnels.

Ross:My heart is like a baked potato... it used to be warm and satisfying, but now it's just cold and hard.

Waiter 1:I got twenty bucks says someone cries in the next five minutes.

Waiter 2:You're on.

Man:I just... I can't fit into my pants anymore. My thighs are huge. I used to be able to see my feet!

Waiter 1:Pay up.

Continuing breakdown: Escalating to most intimate self-hatred