The One Where Monica Sings

Look, can we talk about what happened here last night? Sure. Just give me a second to get all huffy and weird like you.

You believe that whoever did something last night did what they did or didn't do?

That's so funny. I told Monica we should put lights on our balcony...and she said, 'No, no. It's too cold. Nobody will go out there.' And I said: 'Maybe if we put some lights out there they will.'

...on your balcony, even though there were no lights!

You know when 'that's fine' sounds true? When someone yells it and spits.

Very funny! Ross is gay!

And then the other day on the subway, a woman 'accidentally' sat on my hand.

Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life.

Why did I get married?

On how far along he is in the sex-change process.

Stop it, you guys. Stop staring, you're freaking me out.

Your knuckles are kind of hairy too.

I'm a woman. Double standards!

Last time, this adorable old man got up there, forgot all the words, flipped out...and everyone booed him off the stage. It was so funny.

So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit there and pass judgment on others? While drinking. I'm there.

Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something so beautiful out of it.

Well, it was the end of the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper.

Well, there is a thin line between love and hate...and it turns out that line is a scarf.

Wow! Five months maternity leave, you're back for four days...kiss a co-worker and call in sick. They are lucky to have you.

You looking to meet somebody?

Holy Mother of God! Oh, my face! My face!

Damn it, woman!

...but that person was neither female nor wearing pants.

Single white male, divorced three times, two illegitimate children. The personal ad writes itself.

What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out.

...so they know you're the funny one. I swoop in with interesting conversation...so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding, sexy one.

We were wondering...if you're up for it, we only need six more people for a human pyramid.

Would you rather drown or be burned alive?

We still got it.

Is it a cold from standing on the balcony, or did a monkey bite you?

Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.

Hide! That's Ross! Hide! I lied and I'm not sick either! Just stay behind the curtain!

I used to be a rodeo clown.

So seriously, rodeo clown? One of the best, ma'am. One of the best.

I'm not here to judge.

Yeah, you're always singing: Yummy, yummy, yummy I've got love in my tummy

Right. So that's a firm no?

By drowning or...?

Bad day not to wear a bra.

I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, please.

It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.

You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn...or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine...by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his 'business partners.'

Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor-Victoria.

Did you hear that guy shouting, 'Look at those tips'? I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?

Also a good gift: underwear.

Good choice, Ross.

I could be your new mommy.

Curl my eyelashes. Yeah!

Who cares? They still love me.

You know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.

Because I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket. Do you not look there?

Hey, none of the sane ones wanted to come back with me!

Your eyebrows look weird.

So you'll just touch yourself for anything, then?