The One Where Monica Sings

Ross:We need to talk about what happened.

Chandler:Oh, we need to talk? Because I'm not defensive about anything. Why would I be defensive? I'm not being defensive!

Chandler:I know what you did, and I'm not going to tell you what I know until you tell me what you know that I know.

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. Rachel was kissing someone? On MY balcony?

Rachel:Ross, I can explain—

Ross:No, no, no. Do you know what this means? I was RIGHT about the lighting! I said that balcony had great natural light in the evening, and clearly other people agree with me! I mean, it's so romantic out there, isn't it? The way the sun hits at that angle? I've been saying that for years!

Chandler:Could you BE any more obsessed with this lighting? I mean, Ross, we're talking about a light bulb here, not a hostage situation.

Ross:I'm fine! I'm totally fine!

Chandler:And yet, you're saying it like you're not fine. Like, like you're a little bit angry. And maybe a tiny bit homicidal.

Ross:I'll kiss guys like Rachel is doing.

Chandler:So you're saying you're going to kiss Rachel?

Ross:So there's this girl at the coffee shop who always smiles at me when I order.

Chandler:That's great, man!

Ross:And yesterday, she touched my hand when she gave me my change.

Monica:Aw, that's a good sign!

Ross:I know, right? I'm thinking about asking her out. Or maybe she'll ask me first since she's clearly into me.

Phoebe:Ross, did it occur to you that maybe she just slipped?

Ross:I have all these opportunities with women!

Chandler:Oh yeah, you're so lucky. What a problem to have. I wish I had that many opportunities to be rejected.

Chandler:You know what, I gotta get outta here. Monica's gonna kill me.

Ross:What? Why?

Chandler:Because I just realized I'm married to the wrong woman.

Joey:Is it weird that I get my eyebrows waxed?

Monica:No, it depends on where you're getting them waxed.

Chandler:Yeah, if it's above the neck, you're fine.

Monica:Joey, your eyebrows are...

Joey:What? What about my eyebrows?

Chandler:Nothing, nothing.

Rachel:They're fine.

Phoebe:Really fine.

Ross:Yeah, great eyebrows.

Joey:Why is everyone staring at my face?

Phoebe:You know what, Joey? You should really start plucking your eyebrows. They're like two caterpillars having a meeting on your forehead.

Joey:What? No! My eyebrows are fine!

Phoebe:Fine for what, a Neanderthal convention?

Monica:What? I can dye my hair! That's different.

Chandler:How is that different? You just criticized me for plucking my eyebrows!

Monica:That's because you're a man!

Chandler:Oh, I see. So it's only okay if you do it. Got it.

Monica:Come on, Phoebe, karaoke is fun! You get up there, you sing your heart out, the crowd loves you...

Phoebe:Yeah, but what if they don't?

Monica:Well, then they boo you, and they throw things at you, and you cry a little... it's entertainment!

Phoebe:I'm not singing karaoke tonight.

Monica:Come on, Phoebe, it'll be fun!

Phoebe:No, but I will get drunk and judge everyone else's singing.

Rachel:I did something really stupid.

Phoebe:Oh no, you didn't have another baby!

Rachel:What? No!

Phoebe:Oh, thank God. For a second I thought you were going to say you kissed Joey again.

Rachel:Well, you were so busy trying to figure out what Ben was doing every second of the day, you didn't even notice when he kissed me.

Rachel:Well, you know, at first I really hated him. But then one day he brought me coffee, and I thought, 'Oh, maybe he's not so bad.' And then he made me laugh, and I thought, 'Okay, he's kind of sweet.' And before I knew it, I was kissing him!

Rachel:I guess what I'm saying is... it's like that whole thing about how you can change your perspective on someone if you just give them a chance.

Rachel:Or in Gavin's case, he literally gave me a gift, so...

Monica:Oh yeah, that's a great idea! Call in sick. Because you've never done that before. Remember last month when you called in sick so you could go shopping? And the month before that when you had a 'migraine' but somehow managed to go to that party at Central Perk?

Monica:I'm sure Gavin will totally believe you. It's not like you have a pattern or anything.

Chandler:Do you get a lot of guys in here?

Salon Worker:Oh, yeah. A lot of guys come in here.

Chandler:Really?

Salon Worker:Yeah, you know, if that's what you're into.

Chandler:I have a very high pain threshold.

Chandler:AAAAAHHHHH!

Chandler:I'm fine! I'm fine!

Chandler:Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Ross:I was on the subway, and someone sat on my hand.

Chandler:Oh no, what happened?

Ross:Well, let's just say it wasn't the hand-holding experience I was hoping for.

Chandler:Yeah, Ross, you're the most eligible man in New York! I mean, look at your track record: Carol left you for a woman, Emily left you at the altar, and Rachel... well, she left you too. You're like the perfect catch!

Chandler:Oh, so now you're making fun of my job? That's rich coming from a paleontologist. Do you know how many people actually care about dinosaurs?

Ross:A lot of people care about dinosaurs!

Chandler:Yeah, and they're all eight years old, Ross. Look, I can't... I can't handle this, okay? You know I use humor as a defense mechanism. When you turn it on me, it's like... it's like you're taking away my only weapon.

Ross:Well, you see, Chandler, women are attracted to men who are brilliant, brooding, and sexy.

Chandler:So you're saying there's no hope for me?

Ross:I'm not saying that. I'm just saying... I have all three of those things.

Chandler:Hey, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Chandler:Actually, forget that. How about this: If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.

Chandler:No wait, I've got it: Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

Chandler:Okay, okay, one more: Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you.

Ross:So, did you guys see that thing about the flooding in Europe? It's actually fascinating from a geographical standpoint. The way the water displacement affects the—

Ross:How many people do you think have to die before it becomes a disaster area?

Ross:That went great! Did you see how interested they were? Monica's definitely getting that guy's number. And Rachel, the way she flipped her hair? Classic move. Phoebe's mysterious vibe really worked. I'm telling you, they totally nailed it!

Gavin:Is it a cold from standing on the balcony, or did a monkey bite you?

Gavin:What is he doing in this photo?

Rachel:Oh, that's Ross trying to be funny. He's making a dinosaur joke.

Rachel:Okay, okay, I have a confession to make. I wasn't really sick.

Monica:What? Rachel!

Rachel:I know, I know, I'm sorry! I just needed a day off and—

Chandler:Wait, you lied about being sick?

Rachel:Yes! But it was just this once, I promise—

Ross:Rachel, that's not cool.

Rachel:You're right, you're right, I feel terrible. I'm so sorry, you guys. I'll never do it again.

Rachel:I was jumping like a bronco!

Gavin:You know, that reminds me of the time I was a rodeo clown in Amarillo. Lost my left ear to a particularly aggressive longhorn. That's why I always wear my hair a certain way.

Rachel:So you were really a rodeo clown?

Gavin:Yes. And I was damn good at it.

Mike:I'm not here to judge.

Phoebe:You have a really nice voice, Monica.

Monica:Oh, thank you!

Phoebe:Yeah, you should hear yourself when you're cooking. You sing the cutest little songs. Like, 'The cow goes moo, the dog goes woof, and Monica makes a really good goulash.'

Ross:I didn't hit on you. I was just making conversation.

Ross:Besides, I'm sure I would remember if I had hit on you, because you would have said yes.

Chandler:Hey, come on. You're not gonna die alone. I mean, you might die alone, but you won't be alone when it happens.

Phoebe:Oh honey, I can see your nipples from here. And I'm sitting in the back row!

Joey:I got my eyebrows done.

Joey:And I would appreciate it if you would all hold your comments and ridicule until the end of the day.

Joey:It's like... one eyebrow is like a beautiful sunset, and the other one is like a sunrise. They're both beautiful, but they're going in different directions.

Joey:Hey, I can help you with that. I used to do eyebrow grooming.

Chandler:Really? Where did you learn that?

Joey:Organized crime. I was very good at it.

Joey:Hey, my family's not in the mob. Well, my uncle Vinny... okay, yeah, a little bit. But that's it!

Chandler:Joey, your uncle is in the mob?

Joey:Hey, don't judge my family. And stop asking so many questions, Tootsie.

Monica:Did you hear that? They loved my singing!

Chandler:Monica, those weren't cheers of appreciation.

Monica:What do you mean? They were going crazy!

Chandler:Yeah, but not for your voice.

Monica:Thank you so much for encouraging me to sing. It really meant a lot.

Phoebe:Yeah, well, what you really needed was a muzzle.

Chandler:Wow, Ross, your dating radar is really working tonight. She wants to be Emma's mommy? That's great! Next time, try dating someone who wants to be YOUR mommy. I hear that's a thing.

Michelle:I could be your new mommy.

Chandler:Okay, we need to do something manly to make up for the eyebrow thing.

Joey:Yeah, you're right. How about we go get a facial?

Chandler:A facial? That's not manly!

Joey:No, no, it's very manly. Very European.

Monica:What? No it's not! I can see everything!

Monica:Oh my God, you're right! But look how much the audience loves it!

Ross:You don't have my phone number?

Michelle:No, but if we're meant to be together, you'll call me.

Ross:That's not how phones work.

Michelle:It's called destiny, Ross. The universe will guide your fingers to the numbers.

Rachel:Why didn't he call me?

Ross:Well, I may have told him you were dead.

Rachel:Ross, you keep bringing these crazy women to the apartment.

Ross:Well, yeah, because the sane ones won't date me.

Rachel:Monica, can I move in with you?

Monica:Of course! I'd love that!

Rachel:Really? You mean it?

Monica:Absolutely. But you're paying half the rent.

Chandler:So let me get this straight - every time you do karaoke, you pick a song that makes everyone want to leave the room?