The One With The Fertility Test

Rachel:Wait, so you didn't kiss her?

Ross:No, I didn't kiss her.

Rachel:And she didn't kiss you?

Ross:No.

Joey:I kissed her!

Ross:Charlie's a girl, right?

Monica:Why do you even care?

Phoebe:Yeah, why do you care?

Rachel:Because I want him to hook up with lots of women.

Monica:Well, they have their mouths.

Chandler:So you're saying your kids would be nerdy but somehow still have that Joey charm?

Joey:Yeah, exactly!

Chandler:That's actually the perfect combination. They'd get laid.

Ross:I'm totally fine with you and Charlie dating.

Ross:I mean, she's not even that attractive.

Joey:Ross...

Ross:What? I'm fine with it!

Joey:Yeah, Charlie and I have a really acrimonious relationship.

Chandler:Joey, acrimonious means bitter and hostile.

Joey:I know! It's great!

Ross:The word is 'acrimonious,' which means bitter or harsh in tone. It has nothing to do with what Joey just said.

Joey:Hey, if you're attracted to someone, you gotta act on it. Life's too short to wonder 'what if,' you know?

Joey:I mean, look at Ross. The guy's been in love with Rachel forever and what's he doing? Nothing! Just sitting around, pining away like some sad puppy.

Joey:That's not living, man. That's just existing. You gotta seize the moment!

Charlie:They're all professors, intellectuals. Paleontologists mostly.

Joey:Come on, we gotta get going! We're gonna be late!

Chandler:Joey, what are you talking about? We have plenty of time.

Joey:No no no, we need to be acrimonious! Move it!

Joey:Wait, am I using that word right?

Chandler:No.

Joey:But I'm getting closer, right?

Phoebe:I got these boots from this guy who said they belonged to Shania Twain.

Monica:Shania Twain isn't dead.

Phoebe:Well, they're from the late Shania Twain.

Monica:Phoebe, Shania Twain is alive.

Phoebe:Well, I overpaid for her.

Monica:She won't let me go hunting.

Phoebe:I know, it's wrong.

Monica:I don't even want to go hunting!

Phoebe:I know, but I don't want you to have the option.

Phoebe:Oh, you want options? You should try being a woman. Every month I have options. And let me tell you, none of them are good.

Monica:Phoebe, that's great, but I work for a large corporation.

Monica:I'm not going to the spa. I'm going hunting instead.

Monica:What? You said no spa, so I'm doing the other forbidden activity.

Monica:Chandler, what is all this mess?

Chandler:I was just trying to... you know... set the mood.

Monica:Set the mood? By destroying my apartment?

Chandler:Well, yeah. Isn't that romantic?

Monica:Actually, you know what? It kind of is. I'm turned on right now.

Monica:You can't have sex before the fertility tests.

Chandler:What? Why not?

Monica:Because you need to... save your swimmers.

Chandler:I hate medical terminology. Why can't doctors just say things normally? Like, instead of 'gastroenteritis,' why not just say 'angry tummy'?

Chandler:And 'myocardial infarction'? Come on, that's just a 'heart go boom-boom bad.' It's not that complicated.

Chandler:I went to the doctor and he said I had 'bilateral sinusitis.' I said, 'Doc, in English please? My nose holes are angry?'

Chandler:It's weird to masturbate in a doctor's office.

Monica:Says the guy who got caught doing it in the movie theater.

Monica:It was behind a Taco Bell.

Chandler:A Taco Bell? It was behind a KFC!

Monica:Chandler, it's okay. Everyone has embarrassing moments at the doctor's office.

Chandler:Monica, I don't think everyone has my embarrassing moment.

Monica:Well, when I was sixteen, I got my period in the middle of gym class.

Chandler:That's not the same thing.

Monica:No, wait—there's more. I was doing gymnastics. On the balance beam. In front of the entire class.

Monica:And that's when I realized I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe the whole time!

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me this story to us now, which means Rachel's going to tell people about the time you did that thing, and then someone's going to tell people about the time Rachel did that thing, and eventually everyone in New York is going to know that Monica Geller had toilet paper on her shoe.

Monica:Oh my God.

Chandler:Yeah, and the worst part? I'm going to be the one who has to listen to Rachel tell it.

Joey:My day was hectic too. I opened a door and made a face.

Charlie:I really want to see the Met.

Joey:Oh, the Mets? Great team! You should catch a game at Shea Stadium. Bring a glove, sit in the outfield, you might catch a home run!

Charlie:No, the museum. The Natural History Museum.

Joey:Oh, a museum. No, I don't go to museums. They're full of old stuff.

Receptionist:This gift certificate expired two years ago.

Rachel:Oh, well, I was supposed to use that with Phoebe, but... I kind of forgot about it.

Phoebe:Rachel can't see me right now.

Coworker:Why not?

Phoebe:Because I'm not supposed to be here. I'm invisible.

Coworker:You're literally standing right in front of me.

Phoebe:I need the money.

Phoebe:But it's evil, and I'm just using it for good.

Coworker:This place is great! We have everything we need here.

Phoebe:Yeah, but are they watching us? Do they have cameras in the bathroom?

Joey:Ross, can you help me with something?

Ross:Yeah, sure, what's up?

Joey:It's about Charlie. I want to, you know, seduce her with my intelligence.

Ross:Joey, that's... that's not going to work.

Joey:Why not? I'm very smart!

Ross:You just said 'seduce her with my intelligence.' That's not even a complete thought.

Joey:Hey Ross, how do I look smart? What should I wear?

Ross:Well, you could start by wearing clothes that actually match. And maybe lose the... what is that, a backwards baseball cap with a tuxedo?

Joey:What? This is my smart look!

Ross:Joey, you look like you got dressed in the dark at a thrift store during an earthquake.

Joey:What? I'm layering!

Joey:Hey, I got it! Call one of 'em the New York Baseball Team, and call the other one the New York Baseball Team Two.

Ross:Oh yeah, that's a great idea. I can see it now — thousands of baseball fans storming the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

Joey:Dude, how do you know all this stuff about her?

Ross:What? I don't know what you're talking about.

Joey:Come on, man. You know where she likes to eat, where she likes to go... You like her!

Ross:I do not like her.

Joey:Dude, you're totally into her.

Monica:Chandler, relax. Who would want to secretly videotape you?

Nurse:We need a semen sample. You can use the cup in the bathroom.

Chandler:A cup? Why don't you just give me a phone number and send me a bill like everyone else?

Chandler:We should leave. I just saw two people from my office walk in here, and if they find out why I'm here, I'll never hear the end of it.

Monica:Chandler, we're not leaving. We've been waiting three months for this appointment.

Chandler:Yeah, well, I'd rather wait three more months than have Janice find out I'm shooting blanks.

Janice:Oh. My. God. What is that?

Chandler:It's a specimen cup.

Janice:Well, it's a little small, isn't it?

Chandler:You know, Janice, I've been thinking... we should see other people. I need more... alone time. You know, to work on myself.

Janice:What do you mean, 'work on yourself'?

Chandler:Well, I really need to focus on my hand-eye coordination. A lot of repetitive motion. Very time-consuming.

Chandler:I really need a hand with this.

Janice:Oh my God, what's wrong with your hand?

Chandler:Nothing, I just need help.

Janice:Oh. My. God. I thought you were saying something was wrong with your... you know.

Phoebe:I'm from Sweden.

Rachel:Really? What's your name?

Phoebe:Ikea.

Rachel:Ikea? That's a furniture store.

Phoebe:It's a very common Swedish name!

Rachel:Okay, so if you're so Swedish, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe:Stockholm.

Rachel:Right. Okay, um... what's the largest city in Sweden?

Phoebe:Stockholm.

Rachel:Okay, and what language do they speak in Sweden?

Phoebe:Swedish.

Rachel:Right, okay... um... who's the king of Sweden?

Phoebe:I don't know.

Rachel:Neither do I!

Joey:I know a lot about art. I went to high school.

Joey:Okay, okay, I memorized it. The gastrocnemius, soleus, tibialis anterior—

Ross:Joey, that's impressive! What does gastrocnemius do?

Joey:Uh... it's... a thing. On the leg.

Ross:It's a muscle. The calf muscle, specifically.

Joey:Right, right. I knew that. I was just testing you.

Joey:Wait, what's a 'placebo'?

Joey:Oh! Is that the thing you take when you're not actually sick but you want to feel like you are?

Joey:Okay, so this painting is from the Renaissance period, and it's worth like, a million dollars.

Joey:The brushstrokes are so smooth, I just wanna touch it.

Ross:No! Joey, no! Do not touch the art!

Joey:Come on, just one little touch—

Ross:I will have you arrested! There are guards everywhere!

Joey:You're not the boss of me, Ross.

Ross:Actually, in a museum, I kind of am!

Chandler:Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for interrupting me. I was really enjoying that.

Chandler:He's probably just taking his time. You know, Sid doesn't get out much.

Janice:What do you mean he doesn't get out much? He's always doing something!

Chandler:Yeah, but his mom has him on such a tight leash. For him, going to get coffee is like a field trip.

Janice:And then he said it was Taco Bell!

Chandler:It was Taco Bell.

Janice:No, it was Taco Cabana.

Chandler:It was Taco Bell.

Phoebe:In Sweden, we don't believe in the concept of 'pain.' It's just weakness leaving the body... through the skin.

Phoebe:Also, in Sweden, we massage with our elbows. It's very traditional. Very painful. I mean, very healing.

Phoebe:And Swedish people, we're very into silence. So if you could just stop talking and let me make up more facts, that would be great.

Rachel:Why aren't you a good masseuse?

Phoebe:Well, I don't know. I guess I'm just not very good with my hands.

Phoebe:Actually, wait. I'm excellent with my hands. It's my brain that's the problem.

Phoebe:I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. My hair's like straw, my skin is pasty, and I dress like a homeless person.

Rachel:Phoebe, you're not—

Phoebe:But you know what? At least I'm not a spoiled, self-absorbed princess who thinks the world revolves around her perfect hair and designer clothes!

Rachel:Wait, you're not even Swedish?

Phoebe:No, I'm from New York.

Rachel:But you've been doing that accent for like three years!

Phoebe:I know, it's kind of my thing.

Rachel:Okay, but that's actually incredible. Like, how did you even keep that up? I'm so impressed right now.

Phoebe:I need the four-oh-wunk.

Phoebe:I quit! And this place is a scam! The hot stones aren't even hot, and I'm pretty sure that 'lavender' is just regular dirt!

Phoebe:But, um, if anyone from the spa is listening... I was just kidding. You guys are great. Really great. The stones are very hot. Possibly too hot. I love the dirt.

Ross:Joey went the WRONG WAY?

Ross:How do you go the wrong way at a MUSEUM?

Ross:It's not like there's a maze at the end!

Joey:Thanks for the art advice, man.

Ross:You're welcome. So how'd it go?

Joey:Great! I followed everything you said. Well, except when things didn't match up, so I just kind of... improvised.

Ross:You improvised? Joey, you can't improvise art!

Joey:Why not? It worked for me!

Chandler:Why is aggressive cleaning so attractive right now?

Chandler:I'm disturbed by how much I'm into this.

Chandler:So is it me or you?

Monica:It's both of us.

Chandler:What do you mean it's both of us?

Monica:I mean you have a problem and I have a problem.

Chandler:Well, the results came back, and it turns out my boys can't swim. They're more like... little Pottery Barn furniture. They look really good, but they don't actually do anything.

Phoebe:Hi, welcome to the spa! I'm Phrue, your Scottish massage therapist.

Phoebe:Och, just relax and let me work my magic, laddie.