The One with the Fertility Test

-I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. -I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too.

But surprise! I missed most of the party. Charlie's a girl, right?

-Why do you care so much? -Yes, Rachel. Why do you care so much?

Because Ross is the father of my child. You know, and I want him to hook up with lots of women.

I don't know. They seemed to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils.

And if the kids got her intelligence...and Joey's raw sexual magnetism...those nerds would get laid!

God, I forgot how hot she was. I'm gonna get some more coffee.

Her mind is totally acrimonious.

Guess that's not how she used it.

Those people who like someone and don't kiss them...those people are stupid. I hate those people.

They're all professors, intellectuals. Paleontologists mostly.

If we want to grab a bite before work, we'd better get acrimonious.

No? Am I getting close?

I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.

Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive. Oh, then I overpaid.

I can't eat veal. I can't wear fur. I can't go hunting. -Do you want to go hunting? -I would like to have the option.

She wants to go hunting too!

I don't care about any of that.

Well, I am going hunting.

Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience.

Until then, you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.

They're so clinical. This is a pee-pee, that's a hoo-hoo.

It's not okay to do it in a doctor's office...but it is okay to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?

And in my defense, it was a Wendy's.

I'm sure a doctor's office can't be worse...than on a class trip to the Hershey factory.

Oh, yeah! Rachel talks too!

I had a pretty hectic day at work too. Today I had to open a door and go:

The Mets suck, okay? You wanna see the Yankees.

Which one? They all suck. The museum. I don't think so.

-This has been torn up. -And taped back together.

She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink...about how awful these massage chains are. -Then why do you work here?

Because it's good money. But that doesn't change the fact...that this is an evil, bloodsucking corporate machine.

Well, I think this is a great place to work. Okay, are they listening?

Look, if you don't know what the word 'acrimonious' means, just don't use it.

Are you wearing two belts?

Hey, what do you know?

If they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the 'Muse,' you know? Short for 'museum' and avoid all the confusion.

Yeah, most days the place is packed with confused, angry baseball fans.

Jeez. Sounds like you should be going on this date.

Because, honey, and I mean this in the sweetest way possible...nobody's gonna wanna watch that.

I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk.

How great is this? We're probably fertile. Let's go home.

Oh, they gave you the kiddie size.

Please go. Just let me know if you need a hand.

I think it just fell off.

So, what's your name? It's a normal Swedish name. Ikea.

Hey, say, you'll know this. What's the capital of Sweden? Stockholm. Damn. I wish I knew if that was right.

No, no. My mouth says the words, my brain is thinking 'monster trucks.'

Last week on Days, I had to say: 'Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy.' Wow. What does that mean? No idea.

But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene...so I guess it means, 'You'll get eaten by a bear.'

Touch it. It's really bumpy. No, no, no. No ad-libbing. And, dude, you can't touch the paintings.

I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along.

I don't allow porn at home, so this is like a vacation for him.

It was a Wendy's!

And that's the Swedish national anthem. Thank you for asking.

Maybe it's because she's got such callousy fingers...from playing crummy guitar.

Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots...because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass.

Man, you can lie about Sweden!

And they give me benefits, like medical and dental and a four-oh-wunk.

If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.

No. No, we went to the left. Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey.

Some of the stuff wasn't where you said it would be, but I made it work.

It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.

Actually, it's both of us.

It means that my guys won't get off their Barcaloungers...and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones that do.

Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassie!