The One With The Pediatrician

Monica:Do you have to go to Tulsa for work?

Chandler:Yeah, I do. But I don't want to leave you.

Monica:So don't go.

Chandler:I have to. It's my job.

Monica:Well, what about us? What about this?

Chandler:What about this stupid thing?

Chandler:Yeah, nothing says 'I'm behind you 100 percent' like calling our marriage 'this stupid thing.'

Joey:The Jets game? The Jets game?! Chandler, how could you miss the Jets game?

Joey:You're the glue holding this group together.

Chandler:Really? Me?

Monica:No, I'm talking to someone else.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're moving out? Both of you?

Monica:Yes, we found a place in the suburbs.

Joey:Oh my God. Oh my God! When are you leaving?

Chandler:Next month.

Joey:Next month?! I call the apartment!

Rachel:Joey, you can't just call it.

Joey:Why not? I called it! I'm moving in! I get the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen—

Monica:Joey, there's a lease. There's an application process.

Joey:An application? Monica, I've been your neighbor for ten years. What do you need, references?

Rachel:Can I have caffeine while breastfeeding?

Doctor:Of course. I'm Dr. Wiener.

Ross:Rachel, you call the doctor for every little thing.

Rachel:Well, I like to be informed.

Ross:You don't need to call the doctor.

Rachel:Hi, yes, I'd like to make an appointment.

Chandler:Dr. Noonan? NOONAN?! That's the best name I've ever heard! I'm gonna request him for everything. Colonoscopy? I want Noonan. Root canal? Noonan. I don't even care what he does, I just wanna say, 'Thanks, Noonan!'

Joey:I'm ready for a serious relationship where looks don't matter.

Joey:She just has to be really, really hot.

Joey:Sandy Poopak? Hehehehe.

Phoebe:Oh yeah? Well I know a guy named Bidet Tron.

Chandler:You'll be okay while I'm gone for four days, right?

Monica:No.

Chandler:Monica, I haven't even finished the question.

Monica:Oh. Sorry. No.

Monica:208 days out of the year.

Chandler:Wow, someone's been doing their math.

Monica:I'll go to Tulsa with you.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:Yeah. This is growth for me. I usually hate change.

Chandler:I know.

Rachel:No, no, no, that is not what the book says! Yes, I have the book. No, I don't care what you went to school for!

Rachel:Well, maybe your school was wrong! Have you thought about that?

Rachel:You know what, I'm gonna get a second opinion. Actually, I'm gonna get a third opinion because I don't trust you!

Ross:Who were you just arguing with?

Rachel:My baby's pediatrician.

Ross:Rachel, you called the doctor at 3 in the morning?

Rachel:Well, I was worried!

Ross:It's 3 AM! That's completely inconsiderate.

Rachel:Oh please. His wife called me this morning and said the same thing.

Ross:What was wrong with Emma that required a 3am call?

Rachel:It was just hiccups.

Ross:Just hiccups? Do you know what time it is?

Rachel:Well, they were really bad hiccups!

Ross:You can't keep calling the doctor for every little thing.

Rachel:What? I have a legitimate concern!

Ross:Rachel, you called him yesterday because you thought you had a hangnail.

Rachel:It could have been serious!

Ross:Well, it got serious. The doctor fired us as patients.

Rachel:He what?

Ross:Yeah, he said we're his most high-maintenance patients ever. He actually used the word 'escalated.'

Ross:Actually, I think I might have measles too. And possibly mumps. Oh, and I'm pretty sure my spleen just fell out.

Rachel:Oh my God!

Ross:I'm kidding! I'm just messing with you.

Rachel:Wiener! Wiener!

Monica:Rachel!

Rachel:Oh no.

Joey:Phoebe, what are you wearing?

Phoebe:What? I think I look great!

Joey:You look like you got dressed in the dark at a thrift store.

Phoebe:Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were going for 'Joey's idea of fashion,' which is basically just whatever makes you look like you're trying too hard.

Phoebe:Mary Ellen was my best friend in high school. She was beautiful, smart, kind to animals... and a raging nymphomaniac.

Joey:What's your last name?

Mike:Hannigan.

Phoebe:Oh, Mike Hannigan. No! No, that ruins it! It was so much better when he was just Mike. Now he's a guy with a last name. He's a guy with a job, probably a social security number. It's too real, it's too much!

Phoebe:Oh no, oh no, oh no. I promised Joey a date with Mike and I don't know any Mikes!

Phoebe:Okay, let me look through my purse, maybe I have a Mike in here.

Phoebe:I've got a Brian, a David, a couple of Jons... no Mike.

Phoebe:I've got a harmonica, some gum, a half-eaten sandwich... still no Mike!

Monica:How do you find a good doctor?

Chandler:Well, you could try asking around.

Monica:I tried that. My last doctor told me to lose weight, and then he asked me out.

Rachel:That's horrible!

Monica:I know. And he had such good hands too.

Monica:Can you believe my doctor kept hitting on me during my exam?

Chandler:Yeah, mine too. But then I realized he was just checking my prostate.

Monica:I saw Dr. Gettleman's daughter the other day, and she said he was fine.

Chandler:Well, his daughter's face says otherwise.

Monica:He had a recurring nightmare about me eating him.

Phoebe:Mike!

Mike:Oh, uh... hi? Do I know you?

Phoebe:Okay, so you're pretending to be Mike. Really commit to it. Make me believe you're Mike.

Stranger:But I actually am Mike.

Phoebe:Oh my God, that's amazing! You're so good at this!

Mary Ellen:How do you two know each other?

Mike:You know, it's a long story.

Joey:We met in college.

Mike:High school.

Joey:Right, high school. We were roommates.

Mike:We lived three states apart.

Joey:Yeah, we visited each other every weekend.

Mike:I've never left New Jersey.

Mike:I'm a lawyer.

Joey:A lawyer? And you didn't think to call me? We go way back!

Monica:What? It's a real restaurant!

Chandler:I know, but you have to admit, it's a pretty accurate description of the job market right now.

Monica:'Cook' may be a stretch for this job. The actual job is just shoveling wood chips.

Chandler:That name is so cheesy.

Monica:Actually, there's a restaurant down the street literally called 'So Cheesy.'

Chandler:Oh! What about 'The Place Where We Make Pasta'?

Chandler:Well, this is great. A steakhouse, a barbecue place, and a Brazilian churrascaria. You know what? I'm keeping kosher.

Monica:Yes! Yes, absolutely! When do I start?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Monica, what about Tulsa?

Monica:What? Oh, right. Tulsa. Um... I'm not going to Tulsa.

Rachel:Wait a minute... you're alive?

Dr. Gettleman:Of course I'm alive.

Rachel:Oh my God. Ross lied to me!

Dr. Gettleman:Would you like a lollipop?

Adult Patient:Yes, please!

Joey:We had a huge falling out. Mike said something to me that I just... I couldn't get past it.

Joey:He said my haircut made me look like a lesbian.

Mary Ellen:Is your mom okay? She got hit by a car!

Joey:Yeah, she's fine. But you're interrupting my story!

Joey:He didn't recognize me! We went to high school together!

Joey:Oh, you know what? I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna play a little game with him. It's called 'Remember when we used to do this?' And then I punch him in the face.

Mary Ellen:How many sisters does Joey have?

Mike:Seven.

Joey:I have nine sisters.

Mike:Nine! That's what I said.

Mike:I did not hit your mother with a car.

Phoebe:You're smart, you're funny, you're kind, you're generous...

Phoebe:And you're a little loose.

Mary Ellen:I am not loose!

Mary Ellen:Okay, you know what? I'm leaving.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. I can prove I know things about you.

Mary Ellen:Oh yeah? Name one thing.

Joey:You're... a woman.

Monica:It's a little outside Tulsa.

Chandler:How far outside?

Monica:Manhattan.

Chandler:Oh, I'm gonna miss this.

Monica:So really, when you think about it, one day apart is basically the same as four days apart.

Chandler:Yes, that's exactly how math works.

Monica:A monkey? That's so cute! Monkeys are adorable!

Chandler:Monica, that's not—

Monica:I'm going to start doing that more often. Thank you!

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! You will not believe what I just found out about Ross!

Chandler:What?

Monica:He's in love with Rachel!

Phoebe:We know.

Joey:Yeah, Monica, we've known for like, years.

Ross:He's a brilliant diagnostician!

Joey:Yeah, well, he's a pediatrician, Ross. He just looks at kids and goes, 'Yep, that's a kid.'

Chandler:Yeah, and I'm sure you're his favorite patient. Right up until he has to give you a rectal exam and realizes you're just like all the other guys.

Ross:It's a wall hanging! It's a Navajo weaving!

Chandler:Really? Because there's still a tag on it that says 'Blanket'.

Mike:I'm a good person, Mary Ellen. I have a parole officer who can vouch for me.

Mike:I just told a joke about my parole officer and nobody laughed. Guess I'm better at breaking the law than breaking the ice.

Mike:Well, I figured if I'm gonna be miserable anyway, I might as well help you guys out. Plus, I gotta say, watching you try to act natural was actually pretty entertaining.

Mike:I can't prove I play piano without a piano.

Mary Ellen:So prove it anyway.

Mike:Without a piano? Fine. *begins elaborate air piano performance with exaggerated hand movements and sound effects* Dun-dun-dun-dun! *dramatic flourish* There. Rachmaninoff.

Phoebe:I play acoustic, folksy stuff.

Phoebe:Yeah, like heavy metal, but acoustic.

Woman:Wow, you're really good at finding Waldo. Does your son love those books?

Ross:Actually, I'm not that into them because of him. I've just always been really into them.

Ross:Hey buddy, it's me, Ross Jr.

Child:Mom, what's wrong with that man?

Mother:Nothing, honey.

Ross:I helped you carry your bags!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! There's a baby in the room!

Joey:You guys, come on! She's gonna see this!

Joey:Do you want her to think that's how people say goodbye?

Joey:You know what? I am mad at you! You left me here!

Chandler:Joey, I had to go to London for work.

Joey:Oh yeah? Well, you're... you're stupid! And your hair looks dumb! And that suitcase of yours is ugly and it smells!

Chandler:Did you just insult my suitcase?

Joey:Yeah! It's a stupid suitcase!

Chandler:Are you picking a fight to make leaving easier?

Joey:Yeah.

Monica:Well, actually, you're third.

Chandler:Third? What's third?

Monica:Old job, new job, you.

Joey:Chandler! I just wanted to say—

Monica:Bye!