The One with the Pediatrician

Well, I kind of have to, don't I? Because of this stupid thing.

There's nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh?

But we were gonna go see the Jets!

You can't go. I mean, you're the glue that holds this group together. - Really? - Not you.

I call their apartment! - No! No!

Yeah, just to be sure, I'm gonna call Dr. Wiener.

Every time? - Mm-hm.

I can see you dialing. I don't understand why... Shh, I'm on the phone! Dr. Wiener?

A person named 'Wiener.' God, that kills me.

And looks aren't as important as... - Nah, she's gotta be hot.

Poopack? Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah. All right. Well, that rules out Lana Titwyler.

No. I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?

That's fast math. We could use you in Tulsa.

You said that without gagging. - I know!

Well, excuse me? Oh, yeah? Well, up yours too!

Who the hell was that? - Dr. Wiener.

You know what? You sound just like his wife.

What was it? - Hiccups.

Well, not anymore I can't. He fired us!

You know, come to think of it, it does feel rubella-like.

Wiener! Wiener! Wiener! Wiener! Rachel! Great! Now he's gonna know it was me!

Oh, my God. Ooh. Great. Just the reaction I was hoping for.

I can't tell you how I know this, but she is not opposed to threesomes.

Damn it! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore?!

Why'd I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said? There's no guys in there!

How do you know the good ones... from the ones who'll push their penis against your knee?

I know what she's talking about.

Her, on the other hand, botched Botox.

That I was going to eat him.

Okay.

I am Mike. - Attaboy.

Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody's asked me that.

From school. - We met in college. I mean high school.

Mike, attorney at law! Ha, ha. Actually, I just gave up my practice. - What? That's the kind of thing you usually run by me. Ha, ha.

Slim Pickins. It's a barbecue joint.

They're looking for somebody to shovel mesquite.

Well, So Cheesy also has an opening.

So Cheesy? Whole Hog?

It's gonna be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa.

I'll take it!

He is alive!

Would you like a lollipop? - Do you even have to ask?

Mike hit my mom with a car.

Please, we're trying to have a conversation.

We pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. You remember that one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?

Six. - What are you doing? I said seven!

I didn't hit his mother with a car.

Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose. - Hey.

I'll stay if you can tell me my name.

But it's just a little outside of Tulsa. - Well, how far outside? - Manhattan?

I'm gonna miss this hand! - Ha, ha.

it's really just one day. - Um, well, if we can't make it one day, we got real problems, my friend.

That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.

Ross still sees his pediatrician!

Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer? - Mm.

Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your tushy?

That was not a security blanket. That was a wall hanging. - It didn't spend much time on the wall!

Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer.

Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.

Because I was told that I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl, which I did.

There isn't a piano here. - That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.

[Mike performs air piano]

But right now I'm working on a couple Iron Maiden covers.

Yeah, that's how I know.

Come on, Ross Jr. It's time to go in.

Hey, I helped you find Waldo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! Whoa, watch the tongue, people. We got a baby over here.

You know, you're nothing but a big leaver. A big leaver with a stupid suitcase.

Aw, dude, you see right through me!

It goes old job... new job... and you.

Can I talk now? - Okay, bye. - Joey! - He had to board.