The One With The Sharks

Phoebe:Could you zip me up?

Other Character:Of course.

Phoebe:You know, it's so sad. You go out on the street, and nobody just zips up your dress for you anymore. What happened to society?

Phoebe:I mean, my body's like a meat market. Guys come in, they look around, they poke the ribs, they move on to the next thing.

Phoebe:Yeah, you do.

Ross:Okay, so you're saying you've never been in a serious relationship?

Phoebe:That's right.

Ross:What about... what about that guy, um, the one with the—

Phoebe:Nope.

Ross:Okay, but surely there was... I mean, what about—

Phoebe:Nope.

Ross:Oh my God. You're actually right. You've never had a serious relationship.

Phoebe:I know.

Phoebe:You've been married three times?!

Phoebe:And I'm the one who wants to trade lives with you?!

Mike:Do you have a compact? I want to check how I look.

Phoebe:No, I don't.

Mike:Oh, well... you look great.

Monica:I'm not going to sit here and objectify women with you, Joey.

Joey:Come on, Mon, it's harmless.

Monica:No. I have principles.

Joey:Look at her! Look at her!

Monica:I'm not— Okay, fine, where? Oh my God, did you see the way she walked by?

Joey:I know!

Monica:That was incredible! And those shoes? Those shoes were amazing!

Rachel:Hey, guys.

Monica:Nothing! We weren't doing anything!

Monica:I don't know what Chandler does.

Rachel:What do you mean you don't know what he does?

Monica:I don't know! He has a job and he goes to an office, but I honestly have no idea what he does there.

Phoebe:Does he work with numbers?

Monica:Maybe? I tune out whenever he starts talking about it.

Joey:You should wear that black lace thing when Chandler comes over.

Monica:How did you know about that?

Joey:I didn't. I was just fishing.

Joey:Oh wow, she's hot.

Woman:Excuse me?

Joey:I said... uh... you're... a lot? A lot of... fun?

Joey:So, would you maybe want to grab coffee at one of those cool coffeehouses?

Hayley:Bless you.

Joey · Hayley:Did I--? Did I actually ask you? That's just where you were going. I figured I'd help you out.

Joey:I think I'm coming down with something. I've been sneezing all day.

Chandler:It's just a cold, man.

Joey:Just a cold? Chandler, I can feel it getting worse. My throat is closing up.

Monica:Have you tried some soup?

Joey:Soup won't help me now. I can barely breathe. This is it. This is how it ends.

Rachel:Oh my God, Joey, you're going to be fine.

Joey:No, I'm not. I'm dying. I'm actually dying right now.

Phoebe:He's gonna call. He's definitely gonna call. He'll probably call tomorrow. Or the next day. Or... maybe not for like a week. But then he'll call. And he'll be like, 'Hey Phoebe, it's Mike.' And I'll be like, 'Oh, Mike! Hi!' And he'll be like, 'Yeah, so... how have you been?' And I'll be like, 'Good! I've been good.' And then there'll be this long silence. And he'll be like, 'So... do you wanna get coffee or something?' And I'll be like, 'Sure, that sounds nice.' And then we'll go get coffee. And it'll be nice. But also kind of awkward.

Ross:Good guys are hard to find.

Rachel:Ross, you've dated like half of New York.

Ross:Yeah, well, none of them worked out!

Monica:Because you're not a good guy, Ross.

Ross:What? I'm a great guy!

Joey:Thank you so much for letting me have the last piece of cake.

Joey:So, you got any more cake at your place?

Joey:Oh my God, this painting is creepy.

Joey:Wait a minute... I know this place. I've been here before!

Joey:We did it on the couch, we did it in the kitchen, we did it in the bathroom...

Joey:But we never did it in the closet.

Joey:[looks confused at the closet]

Mike:Are you recruiting for a cult?

Ross:No, why would you say that?

Mike:You just have that cult-like appearance.

Ross:It's just my cheap haircut.

Ross:Wait, you're not the Mike Hanigan I was looking for.

Mike:There's more than one?

Ross:Yeah, I talked to like five of you guys before I found the right one.

Ross:I was just... I was just trying to say that um, that Rachel is a very... uh... a very well-thought-out young woman. And that, uh, her eyes are like two shimmering pools of... of gorgeous blue-green... ness.

Mike:Vikram? That's an unusual name.

Ross:Unusual? That's the unbelievable part? Not that I'm dating someone named Vikram, but that the name itself is unusual?

Chandler:I could go to the gym, or I could stay in and watch something educational...

Chandler:Nah, porn it is.

Monica:Chandler! What are you doing?

Chandler:What? I'm just watching TV. Regular TV. Very normal, regular television programming.

Monica:Uh-huh.

Chandler:It's a documentary. Very educational. About... sports.

Monica:You won't believe what I just walked in on. Chandler was in the living room with a shark documentary, and he was... he was really into it.

Rachel:What do you mean 'really into it'?

Monica:I mean he had candles lit, rose petals on the floor, and he kept saying 'Oh baby, show me those teeth.'

Rachel:No! Chandler has a shark fetish?

Monica:Apparently!

Rachel:Monica, do you remember your marriage vows?

Monica:Of course I do.

Rachel:Well, you promised to love, honor, and cherish Chandler. That means some things are acceptable in a marriage and some things aren't.

Monica:What are you saying?

Rachel:I'm saying there's a hierarchy. Like, him forgetting your birthday? Unacceptable. Him leaving the toilet seat up? Unacceptable. But him spending all your money on a stupid boat? Actually, that's still unacceptable.

Monica:He didn't buy a boat!

Rachel:I know, I'm just saying if he did, you'd have bigger problems than the toilet seat.

Rachel:So this guy, he has like the weirdest fantasies. I mean, he wants to do it on a dinosaur or something.

Monica:A dinosaur? Rachel, that's... wait. What does he do for a living?

Rachel:He's a paleontologist.

Monica:Oh my God. That's my brother!

Joey:I'm very memorable in bed. Women remember me.

Monica:Joey, how would you know that?

Joey:Well, you'd have to sleep with me to find out.

Joey:Look, I may have some bloated nights, okay? But I'm still better than most people!

Joey:No more beans for me.

Monica:Do you think sharks are sexy?

Joey:What? No! Why would I think sharks are sexy?

Monica:Well, you think Ariel is sexy.

Joey:Ariel's a mermaid, Monica. That's completely different.

Monica:She's half fish, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, but the top half is all woman!

Phoebe:If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend...I swear to Lucifer...a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Ross:So Vikram and I, we spent weeks perfecting kite design. We'd test them in the Himalayas at dawn.

Ross:And actually, that's where Vikram met Oprah. She was doing a spiritual retreat, and they dated for about six months.

Ross:He taught her everything about aerodynamics. She taught him about daytime television. It was a beautiful exchange.

Phoebe:I'm gonna be alone forever. I'm gonna end up being one of those people that, like, feeds pigeons in Washington Square Park, and wears a visor.

Phoebe:Actually, you know what? I'm gonna lead a walking tour. A walking tour of New York City... for sexy European women.

Mike:Ross, you've got to stop coming over here. You're here more than I am.

Ross:I know, but Monica lives here.

Mike:I know Monica lives here. I'm married to her.

Phoebe:Oh my God, yes! Vikram called me yesterday. He was so sweet. He said he misses me and wants to get back together.

Ross:Wait, what? He called you?

Phoebe:Yeah, he was like, 'Phoebe, I made a huge mistake letting you go.' And I was like, 'Vikram, you're so dreamy.'

Joey:You remember me?

Woman:Of course! You're that guy from that thing!

Joey:Yes! Finally, someone remembers me!

Phoebe:He had these really intense eyes, and Emma has the exact same eyes, and I just couldn't look at her without thinking of him.

Mike:Wait, wait, wait. So Vikram and Rachel... and he's also a glue sniffer?

Mike:That's not a relationship problem, that's a chemical dependency problem!

Mike:I don't have a substance abuse problem.

Phoebe:Really?

Mike:Well, I mean, I smell Magic Markers occasionally.

Phoebe:Mike, I love you, but I have to ask... do you ever worry that you use Magic Markers too much?

Mike:What? No, I don't think so.

Phoebe:Because I've noticed you're always smelling them, and I'm just concerned about your health.

Mike:Phoebe, I'm fine. It's not like I'm addicted or anything.

Phoebe:Okay, but just promise me you'll be careful. I don't want to lose you to the markers.

Phoebe:Vikram!

Monica:You know what time it is?

Chandler:What?

Monica:It's sex o'clock.

Chandler:Shouldn't that be on the hour?

Monica:Okay, so I got you some videos. I know how much you love sharks, so I also got some piranha documentaries, and some killer whale specials...

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica, I don't have a shark fetish.

Monica:Oh. Well, I've already rented them, so...

Monica:You don't want to watch shark videos? Fine! I can fill the tub with water and pretend to be a shark.

Monica:I'll even do the dorsal fin thing with my hand!

Monica:So let me get this straight - you have a thing for angry sharks?

Chandler:What? No! Monica, that's insane!

Monica:Then explain the website history, Chandler. Angry sharks. That's your thing.

Chandler:Those were just... educational documentaries!

Chandler:No, no, no, I was watching a very important documentary. It was called 'Lesbian Writers Workshop.'

Chandler:I really appreciate how understanding and supportive you've been.

Monica:Well, I've had three margaritas.

Ross:You know, Joey, I've been thinking about what we talked about. These meaningless relationships, they're not really fulfilling. You need something deeper, something real.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ross, that's great for you, but this is working out pretty well for me.

Joey:I mean, I'm happy! I'm meeting people, I'm having fun. Why would I want to change that?