The One With The Male Nanny

Chandler:Why are you screaming?

Monica:You bet your ass I am!

Monica:Jeffrey is so funny! He's got this incredible sense of humor. I haven't laughed this hard at work in years.

Chandler:Oh really? That's... that's great. Jeffrey sounds hilarious.

Monica:He really is! He had everyone in the break room cracking up today.

Chandler:Well, I mean, I can be funny too. I say funny things. People laugh at my jokes.

Monica:I know you're funny, Chandler.

Chandler:Right. Because I'm the funny one. That's kind of my thing.

Mike:Do you need both hands for holding hands?

Phoebe:Yeah, I do.

Mike:Phoebe, I know we haven't been dating that long, but I really see a future with you.

Phoebe:Oh... that's... wow.

Mike:I can tell by your expression that you're not quite ready to hear that yet.

Phoebe:No, no, I'm excited! I'm just showing my excited face.

Mike:I have something very special to show you.

Phoebe:What is it?

Mike:It's gum.

Phoebe:That's... gum?

Mike:Very special gum.

Phoebe:Oh! Wait, is that money in your pocket?

Mike:What? No, that's just—

Phoebe:How much is it? We could split it!

Phoebe:I'm gonna be honest with you, Mike. I'm still a little mad about the gum.

Mike:I know, that's why I'm giving you this key. It's to my apartment.

Phoebe:Oh. Well, I'm still gonna go with the money.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you guys! Exchanging keys is like, the ultimate symbol of trust and commitment. It means you're letting someone into your life, into your home, into your—

Phoebe:Wait. Wait, wait, wait. How do they even work? Like, how does this tiny piece of metal know which lock to open?

Nanny Candidate:So when you do the random drug testing, how much advance notice do I get?

Monica:...That's not how random testing works.

Nanny Candidate:Right, but I'm asking for a courtesy heads-up.

Rachel:The blond with no bra.

Ross:I didn't even notice her hair color.

Ross:Wow, Sandy has an impressive resume. Let me just meet this person...

Sandy:[Sandy enters - reveals he is a man]

Ross:Oh! Sandy's a... you're a guy.

David:Oh no, I left my luggage in the cab!

Phoebe:Well, we can worry about that later. Right now I just want to look at you.

David:There's an ancient Russian expression that says... 'You are a person of considerable merit and appeal.'

Phoebe:I mean, look at me. I'm not exactly...

Phoebe:You know what? No. I look good. I look really good.

Monica:Well, you could have just said yes.

Monica:Irresistible? David is irresistible? Monica chooses Chandler?

Monica:Well, I guess 'irresistible' is one word for it.

Phoebe:Oh wow, what a coincidence. Here I've been searching my whole life for irony, and there it is.

Monica:You have to tell David the truth. It's the right thing to do.

Phoebe:You're right, you're right. I wish I'd asked Joey.

Chandler:You know what? I'm funny. I'm a funny guy. I make people laugh all the time.

Chandler:Oh, shut up, door. What do you know about comedy anyway? You just stand there looking stupid.

Chandler:You know what I just realized? Oklahoma has a panhandle. But what about the other states? Like, why doesn't Texas have a body part? I mean, it's big enough. It could have... an arm. Or a leg.

Chandler:And Florida — Florida's already got the Keys. Why not give it some fingers? 'Hey, let's go to Florida, hang out on the fingers!'

Chandler:But then you get to the really weird ones. Like, what if Nebraska had... a butt? 'Welcome to Nebraska, home of the cornfield and our state butt!'

Chandler:And I'm not even going to tell you what I think Wyoming should have.

Chandler:You know what I hate? Words that are combinations of other words, like 'y'all'. It's lazy!

Chandler:And now everyone's doing it. 'Gonna', 'wanna', 'fricken'...

Chandler:Fricken! That's not even a real word!

Monica:He does this whole bit about Liza Minnelli, where he's like, pretending to be her, and he's doing all these crazy impressions and movements, and then suddenly he just stops and stares at you with this completely insane look on his face.

Monica:Were you there when Jeffrey did his bit about the fricken thing?

Chandler:Yeah, I was there. That was great. Really original. I wish I had thought of that.

Sandy:I'm really struggling with leaving my baby with a nanny. I feel so guilty.

Ross:Is the nanny hot?

Sandy:Skadandy? That was his name for me. I'll see you every day right in...

Sandy:I just want to make a meaningful connection with a child, you know? To really matter in someone's life.

Ross:Yeah, well, you could always just have kids of your own.

Ross:Well, uh, okay. The male equivalent of a Queen would be a King.

Rachel:A King?!

Ross:Yes!

Rachel:Ross, a Queen is a woman who rules a kingdom. A King is a man who rules a kingdom.

Ross:Oh. Oh! ...Right, well, that didn't come out right.

Sandy:I've been doing Monica's nails, helping Rachel with her skincare routine, and I even French-braided Phoebe's hair!

Ross:Wait, you know how to do all that?

Sandy:Of course! I'm great with kids.

Ross:Right, but... you know about makeup and hair and nails and... all of that?

Sandy:Yeah, why? What's the problem?

Ross:No problem! I just... I didn't know you were into that kind of thing.

Sandy:Well, I'm a nanny. Part of taking care of kids is knowing this stuff.

Ross:Sure, sure. It's just... I don't know. It's weird.

Ross:Wait, so you... you know about fabric softener? And you actually care about thread count?

Sandy:Yeah, of course. Egyptian cotton is really the way to go.

Ross:But you're a guy. A straight guy. How is this possible? Did you hit your head? Are you feeling okay?

Chandler:Could you BE any more of an actor?

Joey:Yeah, well, if Chandler didn't have humor, he'd have nothing.

Chandler:Hey!

Joey:I'm just saying, what else you got?

Joey:Oh! A fireman came into the coffee shop the other day. Oh, oh! And he ordered a coffee. And it was huge! It was this big!

David:You're happy with Mike? That's... that's great.

David:No wait, it's not great. It's terrible.

David:Actually, you know what? It IS great. You deserve to be happy.

David:But not with him! With me!

David:I'm being selfish. I'm happy for you. Really.

David:No I'm not, I'm miserable.

Phoebe:Telling you was hard.

David:Well, you know, in Swedish culture, we have a concept called 'Janteloven' - it means you're not supposed to think you're better than anyone else. But I think what you're experiencing is the opposite - a kind of emotional vulnerability that transcends cultural boundaries.

David:In some countries, they greet each other with a kiss on the lips.

Phoebe:Oh! Which ones?

David:Uh, all of them.

Phoebe:Oh, okay!

Sandy:So I got down on one knee, and I said, 'Will you marry me?'

Ross:Oh my God, that's so romantic!

Rachel:Wait, what happened next?

Sandy:Well, she started crying...

Ross:Oh, hey, you know what? I just remembered I have to... feed my fish.

Rachel:Yeah, and I have to... wash my hair. All of it.

Ross:Right now?

Rachel:It's urgent.

Ross:Sandy has cried more than I have.

Ross:Sandy's making madeleines. Madeleines! Those are girl cookies.

Ross:A guy should eat cookies with chunks in them. Chocolate chips, nuts, maybe some pretzel pieces.

Ross:Sandy's too sensitive. She cries at everything.

Rachel:Ross, you're not exactly a rugged cowboy yourself. You cried during a commercial last week.

Phoebe:We can't keep kissing.

David:Why not? I have a theory. The key to understanding human behavior is recognizing that we are all, fundamentally, slaves to our biological impulses. Therefore, kissing is not a choice—it's a necessity. A physiological imperative.

Phoebe:That's not a theory, that's an excuse.

David:Is it? Or is it both?

Ross:So what does Sandy do all day with Ben?

Joey:Oh, uh, well, this morning they made sachets.

Ross:Sachets?

Joey:Yeah, little scented pouches. And then, uh, this afternoon they're gonna do some light vacuuming and maybe see some Christmas lights.

Ross:Christmas lights? It's not even Thanksgiving yet!

Joey:It's like when you have a really nice apartment...

Monica:No.

Rachel:Don't do it, Joey.

Joey:A penis model!

Monica:He's smart, he's funny, he's a paleontologist...

Monica:But a father?

Joey:A male nanny? What do you call that?

Joey:A manny!

Joey:A man nanny? What's next, a man nurse? A man... manicurist?

Joey:I mean, I'm okay with it, but I'm not changing any diapers.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. You were faking it? You were faking laughing at my jokes?

Chandler:Oh my God. OH MY GOD! You were faking it!

Chandler:How long? How long have you been faking it?

Chandler:Since we've been together?! SINCE WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER?!

Chandler:There once was a man from Peru, who dreamed of a girl he once knew. She had raven black hair, and a delicate flair, but he cried when he thought of her, boo hoo.

Monica:That's so funny, Joey!

Joey:Thanks, but I can't take credit for that. Chandler said it.

Chandler:Really?

Joey:Yeah. I just repeated it because I thought it was funny. I do that sometimes—I hear something good and I repeat it like I came up with it.

Phoebe:Oh, that's not my lipstick. We're just in a synchronized lipstick phase right now. It's like when couples start to look alike, except with cosmetics. It means we're connected on a deeper level.

David:You know what? I'm done with this!

Mike:Oh, so now you're just leaving?

David:Yes, and you know why? Because you pointed at me!

Mike:I pointed at you?

David:WITH YOUR FINGER!

David:Well, if you do go to Minsk, I'd recommend visiting the National Library. It's quite beautiful. And the Stalin Museum is fascinating from a historical perspective.

Ross:Joey, that's not 'Hot Cross Buns.' That's 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'

Joey:No way, man. I'm totally nailing this. Listen.

Joey:This is definitely 'Hot Cross Buns.'

Sandy:I'd like you to meet Mr. Wigglemunch and the Grumpus.

Sandy:Who wants to play with puppets?

Joey:Oh, me! Me! I love puppets!

Ross:

Sandy:Ross, you'll be the grumpy puppet!

Ross:Why do I have to be the grumpy one?

Sandy:Because you're perfect for it!

Ross:She's not a real person! She's a fictional character created by P.L. Travers!

Monica:Ross, what's wrong with Mary Poppins?

Ross:What's wrong with her? She's practically perfect in every way! That's psychologically unrealistic. Nobody's that perfect. It's Gary Poppins!

Chandler:My new email address is ChandellerBing@tulsa-sucks-and-jeffreys-a-jerk.com

Rachel:Sandy, I'm going to have to let you go.

Sandy:But why? What did I do wrong?

Rachel:It's not you, it's just... you're like SpongeBob SquarePants.

Sandy:I don't understand.

Rachel:Everyone loves SpongeBob, but nobody wants to actually work with him.

Rachel:This is your fault! Why did you have to be so charming?

Ross:Me? I didn't do anything!

Rachel:Exactly! You just stood there being all... you, and now Sandy likes us better than everyone else!

Ross:I wasn't athletic as a kid.

Chandler:Really? What changed?

Ross:Well, I can still do it if I want to.

Ross:I was just exploring the geomorphology of the dinosaurs' natural habitat!

Ross:It was a very educational experience.

Ross:Why can't men wear tank tops? Why is that not socially acceptable? I have very nice arms!

Sandy:It's all right. Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.

Sandy · Emma:And what's the one kind of boat that can never ever sink? What kind? A friend ship!

Sandy:Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crumbly!

Joey:That's... that's amazing! How do you come up with this stuff?

Sandy:It's just a silly joke, Joey.

Joey:Silly? SILLY?! Sandy, you should be charging for this. Do you know how much Yale costs? You could be doing this full-time. You're basically running an educational institution here.