The One with the Male Nanny

Monica enthusiastically screaming about loving her new job after being told she's screaming

Monica declaring Jeffrey 'without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met' in front of Chandler

Phoebe needing both hands to hold Mike's hand

If you were bigger you'd hit me

Mike offering gum instead of a key, then finding five dollars

To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars

These little things open doors!

Do you guys do random drug testing? That's cool. But if you do, I'm gonna need three days' notice.

She was blond?

And she's a little mannish

Damn it. All right, I'll call the cab company. We can call them later. Can you just stand there for a moment?

There's an old Russian expression... Roughly translated, that means: 'This thing that I'm looking at: Wow.'

You should see me when... Actually, no, I look pretty good.

Well, that would've been your window.

Really? Chandler?

Yeah. You know, and given my lifelong search for irony... you can imagine how happy I am!

I knew I should've had this conversation with Joey.

What do you know? You're a door. You just like knock-knock jokes. Save it for inside.

Hey, yeah, I'm from the waistband of Wyoming. But when I was 7, we headed over to the crotch.

You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken could be fricken. Waiter? Waiter, excuse me, I'll have the fricken!

Well, he did this bit... it was Liza Minnelli locked in our freezer eating a raw chicken.

No, but it sounds fricken funny.

Are you gay?

Skadandy? That was his name for me. I'll see you every day right in...

Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.

What kind of a job is that for a man? A nanny? I mean, it's like if a woman wanted to be... Yes? King?

I used some of my homemade lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream... Plus, it keeps the hands young.

You gotta be at least bi.

Thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.

Without that, you just got 'lame with women'!

Fire trucks!

But only with me. No, that's not fair. Who cares. Leave him. I don't mean that. Yes, I do. I'm sorry.

Well, just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival, either.

In Minsk, it's two on each cheek... and one on the lips. Well, if that's what they do in Minsk.

I can't hear it again! You know, I can't tell it again! And I'm fine never having heard it.

Do you realize that man has cried in our apartment three times? I haven't cried that many times since I moved in!

What kind of a guy makes delicate French cookies? They're not even butch, manly cookies with... You know, with chunks!

I gotta tell you, Ross, it's not like you just came in from branding cattle.

But it's nice. And nice is good. And good is not bad. Ergo, we should keep kissing.

Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny? I think that's great! Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes madeleines?

Really? Guys do that? That's weird. That's like a woman wanting to be... What? What's the end of that sentence?

A penis model!

Being a good father?

You got a man who's a nanny? You got a 'manny'?

You know, I don't mind a male nanny... but I do draw the line at male wet nurse.

So those were pity laughs? Pity laughs?!

There once was a man named Chandler whose wife made him die inside.

Hey! I made up that joke and told it to you. Not knowing when to shut up. Yep, that's my thing.

We just happen to wear the same shade.

Don't point your finger at me! Why? What are you gonna do about it?

Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.

Really? Sounded like 'Three Blind Mice'. 'Three Blind Mice' goes like this.

Who wants to be Mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?

I want to be Mr. Wigglemunch!

Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus!

I'm sorry I'm the only one who isn't in love with Gary Poppins out there.

So if your maître d' friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes... tell him to e-mail me at www-dot-ha-ha-not-so-much-dot-com!

Here goes. I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo.

Oh, damn you, Geller!

I play squash!

Playing and learning.

And when it's summer and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?!

It's all right. Crying is good. It lets the boo-hoos out.

And what's the one kind of boat that can never ever sink? What kind? A friend ship!

Wow! You blow my mind! I gotta go. How much do I owe you? Twenty bucks. It's like the cheapest college ever!