Dee Gives Birth

Mac:Look what Charlie and I found. Look at this.

Dee:Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me. It reeks.

Mac:What is that?

Charlie:Dude, this is our mail.

Dee:I threw it in there. You turkeys never open it, so I just started throwing it in the sewer.

Dee:Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it and then yell at me. Besides, I certainly never expected you guys to be rooting around in the sewer.

We always go in the sewer.

We hang out in the sewer.

Why?

There's stuff down there.

Charlie:Don't knock the sewer till you've tried the sewer. You find shit down there.

But how are you so clean?

Charlie:We take our clothes off so we don't get dirty.

Charlie:Big stuff. Rings, coins, nudity. That's part of the fun.

Mac:The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked looking for rings and coins?

Charlie:You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.

Dee:My water just broke! I'm having a baby.

Dee:There's a baby inside of me running out of water. Look out!

Mac:You hit 120! 120!

Dennis:I almost stewed my drawers. She was screaming in my ear. Probably screwed my transmission up.

Dennis:There's no guy?

Mac:There's no guy.

Dee:It's complicated.

Dennis:There's gotta be a guy.

Mac:We'll go get the guy.

Dennis:We'll get the dad.

Dee:Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay? I got it from here. We can take it from here. Right, Michael?

Dennis:The brunt of the responsibility of this kid is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything. Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.

Dennis:Look what this kid has ruined already. He's ruined my transmission.

Charlie:He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.

Charlie:Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there and eaten the egg. There could be so many dads.

Mac:No, sperm doesn't eat the egg.

Charlie:It doesn't eat the egg and grow strong and become a baby?

Charlie:Well, mostly because we're all on this side. You're over there. Just 'cause you guys made it to one side before me? You didn't make it to this side on time.

Dennis:You are standing on top of a rolling chair. You're gonna go flying through that window, for God sakes. Get down.

Dee:I have a very specific birth plan and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax but I can't get this goddamn TV to do anything.

Dennis:Have the baby first. Have the stupid baby. Then go flying through all the windows you like.

Dennis:God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me. Yeah. God, what an irritating thing babies are.

Mac:How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer? A party with no beer.

Charlie:We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.

Cricket:Oh! Hey! Party! Party! All right! Hey!

Mac:Who invited Cricket? I did, because I figured it's a wild card. That's a stone you can leave unturned.

Bill:It's good to get away from the wife and kids for a little bit- let the hair down.

Mac:So you're still with your wife after all that shit with Dee?

Dennis:You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you?

Bill:For what?

Dennis:Just keeping a log of the party. We like to do that. A funny conversation pops up, you wanna remember it.

Dennis:I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em. The three of us just don't use 'em. How about you?

Bill:That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.

You had a vasectomy?

Bill:Yep.

You just winked when you said that.

Did you have a vasectomy or not?

Bill:No. But that's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.

Dennis:If you do not get my sister her stories and a new room as soon as possible then I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds!

Nurse:You know what? I don't have time for this. I ain't going to jail over you. I will beat your ass and think nothing of it. I'm not doing this with you today. I'm not! I'm not!

Dennis:You left the hospital?

Dee:Yeah. I was kind of hungry. Mostly I was just getting bored.

Dee:Why is there a strange man in my room?

Dennis:They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never gonna use the room.

Dee:I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.

Dennis:I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up.

Dee:Do not scream in the man's face.

Dennis:I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine whether he's alive or not.

Dee:Why would they put a dead old man with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?

Dee:This was not part of my birth plan. This was not part of my birth plan, sir.

Mac:What's the deal here, bud?

Soldier:Well, no, she contacted me for a while usually when she was drunk.

Mac:Drunken late-night booty calls?

Soldier:No. She usually just yells at me calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.

Soldier:Sometimes she tricks me.

Mac:She tricks you?

Mac:She tricks you how?

Soldier:To give her sex. She's a very manipulative person.

Soldier:Are you guys mad at me?

Mac:No, man, we're not mad. Pull it together, because you're a soldier and you should be tougher.

This is the guy that's defending our country?

Well, he's definitely a candidate.

Mac:What are your bridge friends doing here?

Frank:You gotta give it the illusion of a party. It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.

Mac:Are you high on blow?

Frank:Whatever Duncan gave me.

Mac:You don't even know what you're high on?

Mac:What is L'il Kev doing here?

Charlie:You gotta throw out a big net to catch the fish that she was banging.

Dennis:Are you sure we're not taking this Weekend at Bernie's thing too far? I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous. The sunglasses lighten the mood. Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp.

Dennis:Without the sunglasses Weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark. Yeah. Strange movie. Strange tale.

What's our plan here? Are we just gonna throw him in the trash or find a laundry chute Fire him down that?

Please don't put me in the trash.

Nurse:Oh! Oh, are you alive? Oh, my goodness. What is going on here? What are you doing with Mr. Craig?

Mr. Craig:They're trying to put me in the trash.

Dee:Oh! It doesn't feel good. This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.

Nurse:Get your narrow ass back in that waiting room before I knock you in there. You have done enough today. Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing up folk and talking about Thor.

Frank:I used to have some jean shorts like that too. I slept in them shits, man. Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things. But you can't wear 'em every day and expect for 'em to hold up. That was some nice-ass denim too. I miss them shorts. But you gotta take 'em off every now and then. You gotta take 'em off, son.

Charlie:Why are you having sex with her?

Rex:Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk or a workout turkey. And after a while, I just kind of cave in.

Mac:She's just berating these guys into having sex with her.

Charlie:Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.

Mac:She's getting way more action than us.

Charlie:She's stuck on her curse words. 'Jerk' and 'turkey' are all that she's using.

Mac:Kids spend all their time on the Internet. 'Hi. Who are you? There's your penis and there's your butt.' You gotta learn from some books. You don't want 'em reading too many books. You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

Charlie:If it's a nerd, I'm gonna bash his head in. Nerds get nowhere in life. Oh, my God. Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now. Right after this we should probably bash nerds. I gotta get it out of my system.

Mac:We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid. We are men who can be great dads. We have great opinions.

Charlie:And that's all that parenting is - pretending you know what you're talking about and then jamming it down a kid's throat.

Mac:Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be the father of this child.

Mac:Dude, we did a complete 180.

Dennis:I did this Weekend at Bernie's operation earlier that would have blown you guys' minds - it was very effective. Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it. And I never reference the Nordic gods.

Dennis:Then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady because she was pissing me off. It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it. And I never reference the Nordic gods.

Maybe instead of doing a My Two Dads type thing we could fold in another dad and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation.

That's what it is.

I like that.

An equally effective movie.

Frank:I couldn't decide who the dad was, so I brought everybody.

Dennis:You didn't try and decide who the dad was. You just got high.

Frank:Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.

Bill:If this kid is mine, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

Duncan:Oh, he got zooted, man. He took an eight-ball to the dome.

Dennis:We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor. Thor said it.

Frank:The who?

Dennis:Thor.

Frank:Who Thor?

Dennis:Is that your Greek God reference?

Dennis:He's a Nordic God.

Charlie:Carmen? What are you doing here?

Carmen:I'm here to get my baby.

Charlie:What?

Carmen:Oh, yeah.

Charlie:The tranny's the dad. Yeah!

Dee:No. I was their surrogate. We used her sperm and a donor egg and then they just kind of - right up there and -

Carmen:We had a difficult time finding a surrogate, but Dee was a miracle to us.

Dennis:Dee, you tricked us?

Dee:How did I trick you?

Dennis:We were getting all pumped up about being this baby's dad. We were all keyed up for nothing.

Mac:We were gonna impose our will on the kid. We had a Three Men and a Baby thing going on.

Frank:So, what I'm confused on is the mother is the father and the father is black And the baby's not black, so -

Dennis:It's all been explained.

Frank:Yeah.

Dennis:I'll talk you through it later.

Dee:What is your obsession with the sewer these days?

Charlie:You find great stuff down there.

Dee:Like what?

Charlie:Like sewage.

Mac:Ha-ha! Good one, Dee. She's back, baby. She's back.

Frank:Supposing it's storming and a guy loses his ring And it goes into the gutter?

Mac:You gotta come up with something else, Frank. You can't keep using the same -

Duncan:Like, give me some crack. You know what I'm sayin', dawg?