Lil Sebastian

This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show. Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin. One of them has to perform open-heart surgery. The other one has to receive open-heart surgery. We call it Open-Heart Surgery.

How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet. Already interested. Take the wheels off. Get 'em off of there. Turn the jet into an apartment building. People could live inside their own private jet.

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus

Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

I got it. What are you amazing at? I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time. Creating spectacles. ...spectacles.

Entertainment 7Twenty... 'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients. That is unbelievable!

Yay! Li'I Sebastian! He died last night. No.

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, 'All right. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

For Li'I Sebastian, I imagine it was good fresh oats, a trough of water, and a willing sexual partner. Or non-willing. He was a horse, so I think they had to do it either way.

Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.

She drew a kiss monster on the note.

We just like to work in the same place, and then we talk and hold hands. Yuck, that's somehow worse.

We need to send that glorious beast into the great beyond with a display that rivals the Super Bowl half-time show. Also, the budget is $600.

It's just a list of facts. What? Okay, mine says, 'You have a cute butt.'

That's weird. Must be a typo. Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, 'You have a cube butt.' 'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube.

Cube butt, cube butt.

The other option was shoulder cancer. Really? No.

Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.

What was that tone? What? Oh, nothing. I'm very sad about this.

Jean-Ralphio is a clown. This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club. First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value.

Li'I Sebastian died? That's terrible. Yeah, well, he was old, and he had a lot of ailments. Like tendonitis? I don't know. I don't have his chart in front of me.

How long have you been sleeping with Ben? What? How long have you been sleeping with Ben? That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would... I... I've never had sex with anyone anywhere.

Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise. And how... How do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm. Check and mate.

Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night. Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss. Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue.

Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open. Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very... special relationship...

In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly. Horses don't fly. That's why I'm telling him, 'learn to fly.'

You're a champion little horse And you're dead You're the champion of death

Which one floats your penis? They're all black. Maybe to the layman, Jerry. Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani.

Is tendonitis symptomatic of something larger? Really, that's the question you wanted to ask me? I'm just very worried.

I won the MacArthur Genius Grant. Yeah. Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.

Coconut just took a dump on the stage. We gotta clean that up. Code red. Coconut just took a dump onstage.

Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears. You nasty.

I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret. Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video? He was a horse. Yeah.

What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind? This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly

I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed.

No, they were out. So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid. It's kind of the same thing. Huh? Oh! We planned that! Wow, wow!

Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.

You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you. But I'll support you either way.

Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.

An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.

I did do 10,000 push-ups last week. Oh, really. That might have something to do with it.

I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set. That doesn't add up. You don't add up.

Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole? Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.

I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's. I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.

Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl? I don't know, maybe 'cause we're... Flush with cash

We may not have any clients yet, but we're about to blow up. First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish.